The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

fasttalkerchat

Lads, please edit out your quotes!

Arpa

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

A variation on the old Groucho joke
"Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got into my pyjamas I'll never know"

There's something similar in another one of theri movies...

In a hotel, picks up the phone, "Hello Room Service? Bring me a room."

Only one I can think of right now is....

Guy on a business trip in London walks into an Irish bar for a pint. He sees two old fella's sitting down the other end of the bar and listens in on their conversation.

1st Old Fella - D'ya mind me asking where you're from?
2nd Fella - I'm from Dublin.
1st Fella - Jaysis...me too. What part?
2nd Fella - The Liberties
1st Fella - Feck off, really? Me too. What street?
2nd Fella - Carman Hall
1st Fella - Jaysis that's weird me too!
2nd Fella - Yeah that's weird. Where did you go to school?
1st Fella - Synge Street and yerself?
2nd Fella - Same here, Jesus it's a small world.
1st Fella - You're right there, what number on Carman Hall?
2nd Fella - 52.
1st Fella - No bleedin' way! Me too!

Guy at the other end of the bar, perplexed by this conversation turns to the bar man and asks, "What's the story with those guys?"

Bar man, nonchalantly shining a pint glass turns and says, "Ah don't mind them...they're the twins".

fasttalkerchat

Arpa wrote: »

Drunk twins joke

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Arpa

Couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Like you're version, premise is the same but the "O' Malley twins are drunk again", makes it funnier.

Cheers.

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

dttq

Well it's far from the funniest I've ever heard but I came across it recently and I like it, if simply for my attitude toward the RCC

(Q) How do you save a drowning priest?

(A) Throw him a boy

giles lynchwood

Two ould fellas were out walking on a country road in co cork when one said"do you see that bend,that's where Micheal Collins was killed",after a short pause the other ould fella replied "tis a bad bend allright"

newballsplease

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Brilliant

Read the first post

Culleeo

newballsplease wrote: »

Read the first post

Thinly veiled "I want to be a moderator" post.


I'll get my coat

Spoken in a loud voice. :pac:

A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.

THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE HEADS OF LETTUCE.

THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.

THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.

WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER,
'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.'

AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED,
'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'

THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.
LATER THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY,

'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION EARLIER.

WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'

'GREENBAY, WISCONSIN, SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.

'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY?' THE MANAGER ASKED.

THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP THERE.'

'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY.'
'NO SHÍT?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY?'

david75

Ye have to sing the punchline in this one.

So if you want to weigh a whale in a whale weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?
.
.
.
.
.
somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie

Cantona's Collars

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days..



I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

3rdDegree

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

"Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

Scram

3rdDegree wrote: »

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

"Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

Worst joke ever sorry but i did laugh a wee bit.

stoneill

At a large hotel, there are three couples having the afters of a wedding.
By pure chance the three grooms happen to meet at one of the bars, start congratulating each other
and slapping each other on the back. One of them then says it's going to be a great night, the sex will be
fantastic, all nodding in agreement.
Let's meet at breakfast and tell each other how we go on.
How are going to do that without letting the women know what's going on.
When you order toast, order the number of slices that equals how many times you had sex.
Deadly - great idea, see you in the morning.

Next morning, the first groom asks for breakfast, and four slices of toast. Not bad.
The second groom asks for five slices of toast. Well done.
The third groom asks for seven slices of toast, and could you make two of them brown please.

del1379

If you can make a woman laugh, your almost there but if your almost there and then she laughs thats a different thing

domkk

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?........................................

.............none!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahshahaha:):):)

branie

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch together

The priest says "when are you going to let go and have a little ham?"

The rabbi replies, "at your wedding, father"

Alkers

Stolen from facebook:

The Black Bra:

Three female friends were having lunch, 2 of them are unmarried (one is engaged, one is a mistress); and the other has been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . .
Here's how it all went.

The engaged lady:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask.
When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask
over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then it came to the married lady's story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettoes, and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Comer1

3rdDegree wrote: »

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

"Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

Funnier if it starts "A blond walks into a library..." And I think it needs to said out lout and not read.

Kind of a fail on here really.

branie

Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

Callan57

branie wrote: »

Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

I hope you're happy .... you just put me right off my Sunday roast :mad:

TheUsual

Callan57 wrote: »

I hope you're happy .... you just put me right off my Sunday roast :mad:

You said "roast".
Ha ha.

3rdDegree

Comer1 wrote: »

Funnier if it starts "A blond walks into a library..." And I think it needs to said out lout and not read.

Kind of a fail on here really.

Sure, it could have been funnier if it was "a blonde", but the fact is, it was guy. Don't you have any respect for the truth?

civis_liberalis

Arpa wrote: »

Couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Like you're version, premise is the same but the "O' Malley twins are drunk again", makes it funnier.

Cheers.

A punchline written by a yank if ever I saw one.

Capt'n Midnight

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

deisedude

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

Strawberry Fields

"Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again."
"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
"Don't," I replied, "I was the silly ****er who asked her to marry me."

mattjack

What goes zubb, zubb, zubb ?

A bee flying backwards .

Dolph Starbeam

I've entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. It's basically a win Loos situation.

PizzamanIRL

On the 21st everybody's gonna be making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

crx===

You know you masturbate too much when you drop your **** sock and your wife shouts from the other room "I hope that wasn't one of our good plates."

stoneill

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

livinsane

stoneill wrote: »

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

stoneill wrote: »

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

Twice in one day! Now that's bad luck!

I'd come out of the closet if my wardrobe wasn't so FABULOUS!

tayto lover

stoneill wrote: »

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

:(:(:(

Not a bit funny. I love that place.

yizorselves

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it its probably sh1t

giles lynchwood

A man had two goldfish that he named one and two,one day a friend asked him why he called them one and two to which he replied " if one die's I'll still have two".:)

RebelRed90

Whats worse than cardboard box?

Paper tits!

Curly Judge

A naive young farmer lived on the outskirts of Mullingar with his widowed mother.
A cow they reared on the farm turned out to be a vicious kicker and had to be got rid of.
They decided that the best thing to do would be to bring her to the mart in town and sell her off to some unsuspecting stranger.
Trade was very slow that day and the son - in desperation - ended up selling the cow to a farmer from the opposite side of the town.
When he told his mother she was mortified and advised him to stay out of Mullingar for a very long stretch until the the deception was forgotten, otherwise he would be in serious trouble.
Twelve years later - his poor mother now dead - the son plucked up the courage to head into town once more.
In the square he was looking into the calf ring when when he got a pronounced tap on the shoulder and turned around to see the farmer he had sold the kicker to standing in front of him.
"Do you remember selling me a kicking cow in this very town 12 years ago?", the farmer asked.
Shame faced, the son had to admit that he did indeed remember.
"Well", said the farmer, "that same cow killed my wife with a kick to the side of her head, shortly after I brought her home".
"Oh my God"! the younger farmer was devastated. "What can I say. I'm so sorry".
"That's all right", said the buyer. "I got married again a few years after and I was wondering if you had another cow like her for sale just now".

bmwguy

What do you call a Corkman going down in a lift?

Condescending

Strawberry Fields

Has anyone else's world ended yet?

Mayan hasn't

chughes

bmwguy wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman going down in a lift?

Condescending

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

Duck Soup

EoghanIRL

chughes wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

Hahaha

Czarcasm

chughes wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

Took me a minute- "asal"... :pac:



Knock knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Europe early!

kraggy

branie wrote: »

Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

Close, but no cigar.

corktina

Duck Soup wrote: »

classic Clement Freud....thx for posting!

Curly Judge

22nd Dec 2012

You'd notice the stretch in the evenings already!

Nodster

Good news for insomniacs -

no more sleeps 'til Christmas

Vito Corleone

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, looking into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!"

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."