The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Unregistered.

Vito Corleone wrote: »

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

fasttalkerchat

similar, maybe better joke: i walk into a bar and sit down and order a drink. Im hangin out and this guy walks in with this duffle bag and sits next me. He gets his drink and puts the bag on the bar. He opens the bag and a little man comes out, looks around, goes back into the bag and pulls out a little piano (proportionate to his size). I say "whats the deal with this little guy?" The guy next to me pulls out a genie lamp and tells me that i have on wish to be granted, but speak clearly because he's got bad hearing. So I humor him and wish for a million bucks, all the sudden the bar is full of ducks, ducks everywhere. so i look to the guy and say whats the deal i wished for a million bucks, the guy looks back to me and says "yea, you think I wished for a nine inch pianist?"

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches', which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert."
"Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Manchester and still wearing all this shít?"

DipStick McSwindler

This post has been deleted.

EoghanIRL

It's so windy today that a knacker would fall off his sister .

kfallon

I was at the swimming pool yesterday and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed......he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fucking fell in!!!

gammygils

Two priests having a pee & one spots a nicotine patch on the other one's willy.
''Does that work?'' he asks

''Yeah! I'm down to two pulls a day!!''

fasttalkerchat

What's the rules here? I saw someone got a red card.

Peregrine

fasttalkerchat wrote: »

What's the rules here? I saw someone got a red card.

AH charter still applies I think

gammygils

fasttalkerchat wrote: »

What's the rules here? I saw someone got a red card.

The kn***er word was used

That's a no no

Barry Barry

gammygils wrote: »

The kn***er word was used

That's a no no

Can we use 'member of the travelling community' ?

fasttalkerchat

That's the thing, the incest part is much more offensive than a joke about a traveller but incest jokes were allowed elsewhere. Kinda spoils the thread. If people don't like the joke just don't thank it and scroll down.

fasttalkerchat

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

AH charter still applies I think

AH Charter:

No racism or immigrant bashing.
Sexism is not tolerated.

Rules out all blonde and Paddy Irishman jokes... there's even a rule banning us from having this conversation:

No questioning moderator actions on thread.

loremolis

gammygils wrote: »

The kn***er word was used

That's a no no

If it's so offensive then why hasn't it been deleted?

tfitzgerald

I thought it was the N word that could not be used. I was sure the kn word was ok.

Back to BAU, Jokes!!!!!



A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?''
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
And what's worse .. you're now singing it to yourself .....

Czarcasm

^^

It's a long one but it's good!



That's what the blonde said too!

EoghanIRL

fasttalkerchat wrote: »

What's the rules here? I saw someone got a red card.

Charter rules , no racism etc...

Jokes Please...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Windsor he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches.."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

leahyl

Not the best I ever heard but funny enough:

I guess I'm just a softie----but these romantic stories always get to me.

A couple was out shopping on Christmas Eve and town was packed.

As the wife walked along the street she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said,

"Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Nodster

The other day, a man went to the Dentist's to have a tooth pulled.
He pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No bloody way mate, I hate needles", the bloke said.
So the Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"Can't do the gas thing either, dont like the thought of having the mask on"!
The Dentist then asks him if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", I'm fine with pills" he says.
The Dentist says, "Here's a Viagra tablet then".
The bloke says in amazement, "Christ, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it`ll give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth"

Ghandee

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen" she tutted. "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen" I said. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

StormWarrior

What's green and melts in your mouth?




A dead leper's c*ck.

TheChevron

"Please select your ring tone" said the woman as I walked into the anal bleaching clinic.

Strawberry Fields

I walked into the bathroom and caught my mate using my toothbrush.

"What the fcuk!" I yelled. "How would you like it if I did that in your house?"

"You wouldn't need to," he replied. "My house has toilet roll."

TheUsual

A tortoise is walking down an alley late at night in New York City. Suddenly a gang of snails mug him leaving him unconscious.

The police arrive and ask the tortoise what happened and would he be able to identify his attackers.
He says, sorry no, it's a blur, it all happened so fast.

Lon.C

TheUsual wrote: »

A tortoise is walking down an alley late at night in New York City. Suddenly a gang of snails mug him leaving him unconscious.

The police arrive and ask the tortoise what happened and would he be able to identify his attackers.
He says, sorry no, it's a blur, it all happened so fast.

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the tortoises' back?

Yeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

daisybelle2008

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second ...guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "what about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

livinsane

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once... I'll give it a try.."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a ifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright.

And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"


"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"


"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy.

StormWarrior

Just saw the last ever episode of Dora - she explored a white Transit van.





"I'm not looking forward to the funeral tomorrow," my wife said.

"Oh ****ing hell," I moaned, "I'd forgotten about that. Do I have to go? I hardly bloody knew the girl."

"Neither did I, Dave!" she shouted. "But, stillborn or not, she was still our daughter!"


Even though our daughter died five years ago, my wife still gets upset whenever I say her name.

Especially during sex


I'm considering taking over a country and putting all the Smelly , lazy , racist , ignorant , pot bellied people in it so there all in one place ...


**** it, someone's beat me to it ...!

How long has France been there ?

Eircom_Sucks

how do you circumcise a priest ????????

kick the altar boy in the jaw

---

what does INRI stand or on jesus's cross ???

IM Nailed Right In

---

why did cadburys make white chocolate ?????

so black kids can get dirty too

Ghandee

It was like music to my arse when i heard there was a cure for dyslexia.

dilallio

A girl goes to confession:

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a
bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son
of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her
clothes)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into
my you know where."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know
what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES
FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Brian_Zeluz

The new Limerick Football manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new Full forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the
Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA player who
he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Limerick.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum
to tell her about his first game in the Championship.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I’m so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You’re sorry????.....

....It’s your fault we moved to Limerick in the first place!!!!"

J Cheever Loophole

Apologies if this is already on this thread - I was going through old e-mails and discovered this one that had been sent to me;


In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'


'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not
lie.'


'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'



When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'


Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

beertons

Rang Wongs last night for a crispy duck. They weren't impressed.

--Kaiser--

beertons wrote: »

Rang Wongs last night for a crispy duck. They weren't impressed.

???

admiralofthefleet

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

???

wongs burnt down

something went wong in the kitchen

beertons

Big fire in Dublin yesterday, it was the chinese.

Capt'n Midnight

I need help setting up my new TV. I couldn't figure out how to get any channels, so I set it to auto-tune and it's been showing random episodes of Glee ever since.

hollster2

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS




A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.



What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?
If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t.

livinsane

The Beatles song, "Love Me Do" was written by John Lennon after he'd had a really good haircut.

Strawberry Fields

When my mate and I walked into an 'anything goes' club in Amsterdam, we couldn't believe our eyes:

I said, "I'm so ****ing horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."

"Yeah, me too" he smiled.

"**** off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Ghandee

Heard the one about the carrot who died during the Christmas holidays(sad face )?

There was a big turnip at the funeral.

I'm ready for bed.:pac:

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.








'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.







'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For fúcks sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten past three in the fúcking morning !!!'

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.








'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.







'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For fúcks sake, you stupid prick . It's ten past three in the fúcking morning !!!'

StinkyMunkey

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?


A fridge don't fart when you take the meat out.

Strawberry Fields

My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.

Every time I take them down there's a fcuking protest.