The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

brummytom

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

A terrible joke at the best of times, but stealing it from Mrs Brown's Boys? Jesus

1ZRed

brummytom wrote: »

A terrible joke at the best of times, but stealing it from Mrs Brown's Boys? Jesus

Bad enough you knew where it came from as well

mad m

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

chughes

I had a really weird dream last night.

I dreamt that the ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.....

Seaneh

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office.

He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying.

Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy.
"
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy Dylan Glamorous Turquoise his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.

peckerhead

Heard about the Irish exorcism?

It's where you call in the Devil to get the priest out of the child.

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge
heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all
the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart
opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just
thinking of my own funeral, "I'm a gynaecologist."

The Priest fainted!

Loafing Oaf

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy?

Would you like to buy a lollipop?

Curly Judge

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to

charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .

You're NOT my flight instructor?'

admiralofthefleet

These wind farms you see everywhere are ridiculous. As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans

gstack166

Did you hear about the magic Cow?

It went down the road, & turned into a field.

casio4

What did the magic tractor do?
It turned into a field

StormWarrior

Two cats, an English cat and a French cat, were having a race to see who could swim across the channel the fastest. The English cat was called One Two Three Cat and the French cat was called Un Deux Trois Cat. The English cat won. Why?







Because Un Dois Trois cat sank.

Capt'n Midnight

One-one was a horse.
One-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
One-two won one too.

Curly Judge

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

---

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40

---

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

---

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

---

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears
streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel !!!

---

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital...
one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy tikka!

---

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

---

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

---

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”


In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”


The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….


My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.


The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”


In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”


The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….


My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.


The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

--Kaiser--

I always cry after sex....mace will do that to you

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered .. . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
Submitted by RN no name,


AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .. '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....



1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.’

EoghanIRL

^^ where did you find these

EoghanIRL

EoghanIRL wrote: »

^^ where did you find these

My old man (he's nearly 80) and a few friends pass them amongst themselves and I get copied in as well, sometimes the same joke goes around several times!*

*unfortunately, that's not a joke, it actually happens.

corblimey

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.
As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

Capt'n Midnight

Q. Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

A. Because proper tea is theft.





Q: Is it true that Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov from Moscow won a car in a lottery?
A: In principle yes, but:
1. it wasn't Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov but Aleksander Aleksandrovich Aleksandrov;
2. he is not from Moscow but from Odessa;
3. it was not a car but a bicycle;
4. he didn't win it, but it was stolen from him.




What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Most certainly Russian! Only Russians can run about barefooted and bare assed, without a roof over their heads, where there is only one apple for two and nevertheless cry out that they are in paradise!



What's the real ratio between the Pound, the Rouble and the Dollar?
A pound of Roubles is worth a Dollar.


What's the difference between socialism and capitalism?
Under capitalism one person exploits another person, and under socialism - the opposite.




When Nixon visited the USSR, Brezhnev showed him a Soviet phone of the latest technology in which it was possible to call Hell. Nixon called the Devil. The conversation cost only 27 Kopecks.
Upon returning to America, Nixon told everyone about the Soviet marvel. But as it turned out such a phone had been invented in America a long time ago. Nixon again called Hell, but this time the conversation cost 12 thousand dollars!
Nixon, understandedly upset, cried, 'But in the USSR a phone call to Hell costs only 27 kopecks!'
'Yes sir, but there it was a local call.'





A man was sent to Siberia's Gulag.

The KGB guard interrogates him

"Vassili Ivanovich, you have been sentenced to twenty years penal labour. Why is this?"

"Comrade Commissar, I stood in Red Square and shouted 'General Secretary Brezhnev is an idiot' and I was given a five year sentence for defamation"

"But your sentence is twenty years?"

"and fifteen years for revealing a state secret"






A Czech catches a golden fish, known in Russian fairy tales for fulfiling wishes to her benefactors. The fish says:
"If you release me, I will fulfil you three wishes."
So he does and the fish asks again: "So, man, what are your wishes?"
The fisherman thinks a lot and then says:
"I wish the Chinese army to invade our country and leave."
The fish replies:
"OK, strange, but it may be. What is your second wish?"
"I wish the Chinese army to invade our country and leave again."
The fish replies:
"OK. And your last wish? Think carefuly..."
"I wish the Chinese army to invade our country and leave."
"OK. Your wishes are granted. But may I know, why do you want this?"
"They will cross the Soviet Union for six times."




An American astronaut reports from space, just before landing on the Moon surface:
"Houston, we have a problem. Russians were here and they have painted whole Moon red!"
Houston replies:
"OK, boys. This is a critical event, but we have anticipated this. Open the container n.Z32. It contains white paint and detailed description of the Coca Cola logo. You know, what to do."



An American is talking to a Pole, and asks him, "What if your country was attacked by
Germany and Russia at the same time? Who would you fight first?"

Without hesitation, the Pole replies, "We would fight the Germans, then the Russians".

American : Why?

Pole : Business before pleasure.



Two guys are sittign in a bar, one of them asks: "What do you think about the government, comrade ? The other warily replies: "I guess I think the same thing as you".
The first guy pulls out his badge: "Sorry, but now I have to arrest you".




One night Stalin's ghost appears to Putin. Stalin says " Shoot all the democrats and paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
Putin:" why blue"
Stalin: "HA! I knew you wouldn't ask about the first one.



Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.




A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop across the road!"



Comrade Stalin misplaced his beloved pipe and asked Lavrenti Beria to find it.
However, as he discovers it in his pocket the very next day, he calls Beria to report the pipe has been found.
"Too late, Yossif Vissarionovich! I had twenty-five suspects. Twenty-four have already admitted stealing the pipe!"
"I see... All but one? Then continue the investigation!"



Soviet worker comes home and finds his wife in bed with a lover.
'Masha! Here you are engaged in nonsense again, when the shop down three blocks is actually selling sausages!"



CIA decides to plant a high-quality spy into Russian heartland.
According to legend, the guy is supposed to be simple kolkhoznik, so he has received years of tutelage from best Russian experts CIA has to offer.
At the end of his extensive course, he has learned to speak perfect Russian without any accent (including wide vocabulary of curses), use foot wraps, brew moonshine, harvest grain with a sickle, use samovar etc.
So, as he is given a perfect set of false documents and dropped from a parachute into a rural area someplace around Stalingrad at night, he hides his parachute into forest and starts off towards the nearest village in the morning.

Halfway to the village, he meets an old babushka and greets her, asking for directions. "The village is that way, comrade Spy," says the babushka.
"How could you see past my false identity?!" asks completely astonished intelligence officer.
"Easily enough, son", answers the woman. "See, we don't normally have Negroes around here".




A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."
"This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."



Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.
"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."




A Czech goes into the police station and tells the desk sergeant "Two Swiss soldiers have just stolen my Russian watch". The sergeant says "You mean two Russian soldiers have stolen your Swiss watch !". The Czech says "You said that: I didn't".




At a school in Nijny-Novgorod the teacher asks the children to give a sentence containing a dependent clause. Young Ivan comes up with "Our cat has just had a litter of kittens, all of which are good communists". The teacher is delighted and tells Ivan to remember that for when the Education Commissar visits in a fortnight's time, but during that visit Ivan says "Our cat has just had a litter of kittens, all of which are good western capitalists". The teacher, horrified, says "But a fortnight ago they were communists !". "True", replied Ivan, "but their eyes are open now."




A Czech was asked if he considered the Russiians his friends or his brothers, and immediately replied "Brothers". When asked why, he said "Because we choose our friends".




A Russian tourist arrives to the border at Narva, Estonia.
Border guard notices he has left a few fields blank on the admission form, takes a pen and asks:
"Occupation?"
"Nah, just a visit..."



At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"



What's a Soviet string quartet?

The Moscow orchestra returned from a US tour.




In East Germany there was a farmer who managed to save enough money to purchase a Trabant of his own. He made the journey to the local distributor of automobiles and waited his turn in queue.
When he reached the counter the official told him, "Ok, you can come back to pick up your new car," the official ran his finger down a list, "you can pick up your car 5 years from tomorrow."
The farmer asked, "Morning or afternoon?" The official replied, "What do you care, it's 5 years from now?"
The farmer replied, "Well the plumber is coming that afternoon."

Eggonyerface

Curly Judge wrote: »

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

---

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40

---

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

---

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

---

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears
streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel !!!

---

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital...
one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy tikka!

---

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

---

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

---

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth

You cant beat a good set of topical jokes

Capt'n Midnight

Radio Yerevan was asked: "What will be the results of the next elections?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Nobody can tell.Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR."


Radio Yerevan was asked: "Is it true that in the Soviet Union no one lacks a stereo system?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "In principle, yes, you hear the same from all sides."


Radio Yerevan was asked: "Would it be possible to bring Socialism to the Sahara?"
"Yes," replied Radio Yerevan, "But after the first five year plan, we'll have to import sand."


Radio Yerevan was asked: "Is it true that half of the members of the Central Committee are idiots?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Rubbish. Half of the central committee are not idiots."

Radio Yerevan was asked: "What is the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "An optimist learns English – a pessimist Chinese."


Radio Yerevan was asked: "Is it true that the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky committed suicide?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, it is true, and even the record of his very last words is preserved: ´Don't shoot, comrades.´"


Q: Why do we have to carry the ID booklet to the grocery to be given the baloney quota ?
A: So you can keep the quota of salami in it until you get home.



Radio Yerevan was asked: "Is there censorship of the press and radio in the Soviet Union?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "In principle no, but it is unfortunately not possible to go into this question in any detail at the present time."



"Dear Radio Yerevan, I don't know what's the matter with me. I don't love the Party any more. I feel nothing at all for Comrade Brezhnev or any of the other leaders of the Party. What should I do?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Please send us your name and address."



Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can Communism also be in the USA?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes. But who would give us our wheat then?"




Q: Is it true that in Romania...
A: (barging in) Yes, it is.

castletownman

For the day that's in it

The irony of the Irish rugby fans singing the Fields of Athenry. Sure the Protestants don't even know that there was a Famine.

A Primal Nut

Was in the Middle East there for a holiday...shame the weather was quite bad. And that's the thing about the Middle East...if its not Sunni, it's Shi'ite.

Capt'n Midnight

I always thought it strange that Spiderman's alter ego works as a journalist.

Shouldn't he be a web designer ?

--Kaiser--

Loving those Russian jokes Cap'n, keep em coming

notreve

man puts in long hard day at the office after doing overtime, he's exhausted as he heads for home
meanwhile his wife is hot and bothered and frisky and slides speedily down along the stair bannister just as hubby opens the front door, reaches the bottom, opens her arms wide and excitedly yelps,,, " suuper pussy"
man replies,,, "I'll have the soup"...

Capt'n Midnight

Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”


How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?


There is knock on door. Man ask “Who is?” Voice say “Is potato man. I giving potato to hungry.” Man rejoice. “Oh! Wonderful news! I must be dreaming!” He open door. Another Man there. “Just Kidding! Is secret police!”


Two Latvian look at clouds. One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.



Man is wait bread line. Wait until starve. Is very funny, yes!


Man in field is search potato. See one and happy. Turn out actually is rock. Is very starving so eat anyway.



Old Latvian proverb say “Is better to have potato and lose than never have potato.”
Of course is silly. No Latvian have potato in first place.



Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?

Anwsering: I have no seen chicken since I very young. Soldier come and burn farm. Where you see chicken? I am so very hungry.



Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo.


Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.



Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.


Three men are in ship. One Latvian, one Russian, one Lithuanian. Lithuanian take out one bottle wodka. Russian kill Lithuanian, then drink wodka. Then Latvian wait until Russian drink self to sleep, then kill. Is end.



Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.



Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.



What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?



Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!



Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma.
Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato.



Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is say, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”



Latvian is capture by cannibals. Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your death.” Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!” But oops! Is forgot how use!






“Why did Latvian throw clock out window?”
“Is no appointments anymore. Only endure till death”.






Questioning: What you get when you cross Lativian and potato?
Anwsering: Is cruel joke. Please stop.




A man with dog, potato, and son’s corpse must cross river. Boat only hold two things. If man leave corpse or potato with dog, the dog eat. Is very sad. Also, not good boat.



Latvian boy say father “Father I is learn to read!” Father say “How I am having so wonderful news? Boy with reading get good job, make money for us to buy many potato!” Then boy die in night from cholera. All are sad.



Latvian pirate walk in bar. Have steering wheel in pants. Bartender ask “Why is steering wheel in pants?” Latvian pirate no anwser. Also, not really pirate. Just man, delirious from malnutrition.



Two Latvian man walk into bar. "You like hear joke" one say? Other man nod. "My children well feed". Both very much laughter. Then stop laugh.


Knock knock.
Who is?
Potato.
Potato who?….There is no potato. Is cruel joke.

Capt'n Midnight

One time I have potato. Is so long I have no potato, is feel strange. I vomit potato. Is ok, is not real potato, only small rock that look like potato. I break tooth also.



Latvian peasant girl skips through village road and is run down by local commisar.
Father is saddened, as had been promised fine mule from family in next village for her hand
"Oh Comrade Commissar, who will pick our potato now?";
Kindly Commissar give him 4 extra potato for loss of girl
That night father executed by Secret Police for hoarding potato



One day Latvian man see farmer eating a dirt. He say "why you eat dirt" and farmer say is no more potato. Then a gust of wind and they both feel very cold.



Why did the potato cross the road?
Is metaphor. Potato is hope. Road is suicide.

Wossack

Two Latvian look at clouds. One see potato. Other see impossible dream.

Is same cloud.

ArtyM

1 Irish man reads post on AH about Latvian farmers etc
Puts down computer, locates potato, throws potato at computer.

donegal_man

ArtyM wrote: »

1 Irish man reads post on AH about Latvian farmers etc
Puts down computer, locates potato, throws potatoes at computer.

Other Irish man finds rock that looks like potato and also joins with throwing

Capt'n Midnight

ArtyM wrote: »

1 Irish man reads post on AH about Latvian farmers etc

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman ?

None.

--Kaiser--

Paddy goes into a a department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"

The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"

And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

Ihatecuddles-old

I don't get the potato clock one? Never mind

What's 6 inches long and starts with a P?


A shìt

Panthro

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I don't get the potato clock one? Never mind

What's 6 inches long and starts with a P?


A shìt

Get up at eight o clock..get a potato clock..

Markcheese

Just found this thread... Not funny ... In fact a total joke....

Ihatecuddles-old

Markcheese wrote: »

Just found this thread... Not funny ... In fact a total joke....

You seem a little cheesed off...

W.Shakes-Beer

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

You seem a little cheesed off...

How mature...

Lelantos

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

No! The other end....Woman

chughes

Panthro wrote: »

Get up at eight o clock..get a potato clock..

If you're explaining, you're losing

10fathoms

Old mother went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own.

There was an ole man from Ghent
Whos d**k was incredibly bent,
To save him the trouble, he stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

fasttalkerchat

W.Shakes-Beer wrote: »

How mature...

Just let it brie.

JayConlon91

two teddy bears sittin at a picnic, one says to the other would you like another piece of cake?? the other teddy replies "no thanks im stuffed"

Lionel Messy

Gas jokes lads. Good thread.

Curly Judge

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived the bastards."

AngryHippie

This one is feckin class cos it happened:

Farmer comes back to his yard after checking out the far paddocks one day, finds a van load of tinkers wandering around the sheds in the yard. Goes straight into the house and gets the shot gun, walks out carrying it broken over his arm. Marches straight over to the tinkers and strikes up a friendly conversation with them. After a minute or two, the main man of the light fingered brigade address the elephant in the room and says:
Traveller one:"do you do a bi' a shootin boss"
Farmer: " I try and do a bit a few times a week to keep me eye in"
Traveller: "what do you shoot with that yoke boss"
Farmer: " Mostly crows, but now and again I blow the ****e out of a frog"

Needless to say, a hiace backed very gingerly out of the yard, and never darkened the door again