The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Curly Judge

Seamus was the most prominent businessman in town and, among other things, owned the only grocery store.
He was aghast when a local girl informed him she was carrying his child.
He didn't want to marry her but he didn't want to end up on the wrong end of a paternity suit either and so he did a deal with her whereby he would provide her and her son with groceries and provisions until he reached the age of 18.
Every week she called to the shop and collected the bag of goods and when the son became big enough he was sent down to collect the ever growing bag.
His little bit of pleasure now a distant memory, Seamus grew to resent more and more the weekly visit and the loss of money it represented.
One weekend the, by now, strapping young man arrived with the bag as usual.
"Any harm to ask you what age you are?" Seamus enquired.
"I'll be 18 tomorrow", the young man answered.
"Well, take this bag home to your mother and tell her that this is the last consignment of groceries she'll be getting from me. And watch the look on her face"
The puzzled youngster related the story verbatim to his mother. After thinking about it for a while she said, "You go back down to Seamus and tell him that you're not his son at all, and watch the look on his face".


Shure,maybe it never hppened at all?

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight ......”

A man takes a blond lady out to dinner for the first time.

Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have
had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose.

May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard
across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night
and it said

Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed.

kennyboy9563

I needed a pair of heavy duty trousers for work so I went into an army surplus shop and asked if they had any camouflage trousers. The bloke said he did and went off to get me a pair. After five minutes waiting,he came back and said "sorry, I can't see them anywhere"

IK09

kennyboy9563 wrote: »

I needed a pair of heavy duty trousers for work so I went into an army surplus shop and asked if they had any camouflage trousers. The bloke said he did and went off to get me a pair. After five minutes waiting,he came back and said "sorry, I can't see them anywhere"

I just got sick in my mouth

kennyboy9563

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Gordon and I played rugby for Leinster. .. ...'

Peanut Butter Jelly

kennyboy9563 wrote: »

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Gordon and I played rugby for Leinster. .. ...'

i think the order's a bit messed up there buddy.

Chocoholic84

How did the electrician react when he lost his job?

He was shocked.



What happened to the postman who didn't do his job properly?

He got the sack.



What happened to the firefighter who didn't do his job properly?

He was fired.




Sorry ......

kennyboy9563

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

i think the order's a bit messed up there buddy.

how so ?

tfitzgerald

Some excellent jokes in the last few pages

HondaSami

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Czarcasm

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

How did the electrician react when he lost his job?

He was shocked.



What happened to the postman who didn't do his job properly?

He got the sack.



What happened to the firefighter who didn't do his job properly?

He was fired.




Sorry ......

I love jokes where I don't have to think to get it

Strawberry Fields

My doctor told me I was extremely sick today.

I only asked him to add another finger during the prostate examination

ctrl-alt-delete

Markcheese wrote: »

Just found this thread... Not funny ... In fact a total joke....

If you didn't give edam about it why post here?

tunedout

2 men are on a boat, and 1 fella turns to the other fella and says "you fool , we've to p*ss in the boat now"

Fulton Crown

There was a young lady from Rhyll

Who made people exceedingly ill

When they heard of her habits ..

Involving white rabbits

And a bird with a flexible bill......

kennyboy9563

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"its like talking to a f...ing brick wall."

--Kaiser--

tunedout wrote: »

2 men are on a boat, and 1 fella turns to the other fella and says "you fool , we've to p*ss in the boat now"

Hmmmmm, maybe you mean this joke?

Two guys were on lake fishing One of the guys gets a nibble and reels in his line. He caught a bottle. He uncorks the bottle and out come a genie. He grants him one wish, so the guy thinks and thinks. Finally he says "I wish this whole lake were beer!" Poof!!! The lake turns to beer. The other guy looks at him and said: "You idiot, now we have to piss in the boat!"

karma_

Descartes walks into his local pub.

'Barkeeper, one pint of my usual please.' He says.

'René, we have some very fine new imports, would you care to try one?' Replies the barman.

'I think not.' Replies Descartes before disappearing into a puff of smoke.

--Kaiser--

There was this magnificent mathematical horse. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry, but when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.

The moral of this story is that you shouldn't put Descartes before the horse.

mccarthy37

Cecil and Basil two gay lovers were taking a stroll by the riverbank when suddenly Basil lost his footing and fell in. In his panic he screamed "throw me a bouy throw me a bouy

Cecil standing by the river felt so proud of his friend saying. " Oh good old Basil game ball to the last"

kfallon

Police in England are searching for a Northern Transvestite, sources say he had a Wigan address.....

Banjo String

My 19yr old son won £21 million on the lottery recently. I was so happy for him but when I rang to congratulate him he didn't want anything to do with me. :eek:






His foster parents must have raised him to be a right miserable bastard !!

nootroc

chughes wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

What do you call a Corkman that goes to 2 masses a day?

Biafran

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating an Englishman
sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think
your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us.

Look at me ... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian
blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

mydogjack

I've had funnier toothaches- no offence 'old chap'

admiralofthefleet

So what if there's horse meat in Findus meals. Prince Charles has been eating horse for years now!

EoghanIRL

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Mr. Nice

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

So what if there's horse meat in Findus meals. Prince Charles has been eating horse for years now!

The funniest thing about this is the fact that somebody actually thanked it

Pottler

Mr. Nice wrote: »

The funniest thing about this is the fact that somebody actually thanked it

Yeah, the dopey thankers.

CleanBurning

I was working in Tesco last night when the girl I recently started dating bumped into me. While I was re-arranging all the washing powder in aisle 7, she stormed over and said "you lying ****, you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" I said "I told you I was part of the Ariel display team"

Galway K9

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?




If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Smidge

Mick is doing some roofing work for Joe.
He nears the top of the ladder and gets dizzy and starts shaking.
He calls down to Joe and says,
"I think I'll have to go home, I've come over all dizzy and sick".
Joe says to him,
"Have you got vertigo?"
Mick says "Nah, I only live around the corner"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

A duck walks into a bakery.

"Got any bread?"
"Yes."
"Got any -- what?"
"I said yes. we do."
"Sh1t. I'm in the wrong joke."

Smidge

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

A duck walks into a bakery.

"Got any bread?"
"Yes."
"Got any -- what?"
"I said yes. we do."
"Sh1t. I'm in the wrong joke."

Was he looking for grapes??

Canard

Smidge wrote: »

Was he looking for grapes??

then he waddled away, til the very next day bom bom bom bom bap a dom

Smidge

Patchy~ wrote: »

then he waddled away, til the very next day bom bom bom bom bap a dom

By any chance, do you have a "life" going spare??

I could do with getting one:o:D

Smidge

John was thinking that his new girlfriend may be the "one" but having had a rummage around in her knicker drawer and found a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided that if she couldn't hold down a job she wasn't the woman for him.

Curly Judge

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my five year old son…...” Bob replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.


“ I only wish it was that,” continued Bob “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”


“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.


“It’s not,” said Bob. "The little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

branie

Why do elephants have big ears?

Noddy hasn't paid the ransom yet

Curly Judge

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”


Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!


Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all known germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday.

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".


In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side; my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Axe Rake

How do you stop a girl from choking?

Back up a few inches

kennyboy9563

Bob Geldof has been asked if he will apply for the vacant Pop's position. He said, "nah,having one Rats-singer as the Pope is enough"

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best -

Right at the end of the programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest £60 and £100 per game is common.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile (it was probably West Ham United or Queen's Park Rangers) to be told "That will be 10 Quid Mate".
"What!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile said ............ "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't - And a brass band in the Interval!"

***************************************************************************************
As the pips sounded on the hour John Humphries could be heard in the background in stitches.



=====================================================================
THE AGONY OF DYSLEXIA
After Daylight Saving ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
" You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back !"

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something - then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's
civil spirit and I credit that approach, for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make
that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

--Kaiser--

I would have thanked that except for the jibe at Obama (presumably about Medicare? Like it's a bad thing)

stefan idiot jones

Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his Dad what a cnut is ? His father hits the roof "where did you hear that word" ? Johnny replies that he overheard it in the school yard. He says to his Dad that he is sorry but he doesn't know what the word meant. His father tells him to follow him upstairs to explain. His father leads him into the bedroom where Johnnys mother is asleep after working a night shift. Johnnys Dad pulls back the sheets and while pointing to the Mothers pubic area says " see that Johnny, that is a fanny. The rest of it is a cnut".

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

Sean d'Olier.


And a Frenchman wearign sandals?

Phillipe..... Flop.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something - then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's
civil spirit and I credit that approach, for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make
that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the politicians method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

Banjo String

My gay friend (not you, the dyslexic one) always looks forward to the 14th of February. He thinks its called Vaseline day!