The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hootanany

It has reached China now where a Beijing MacDonalds is suspected of serving Quarter Pandas.

--Kaiser--

Deleted User wrote: »

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something - then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's
civil spirit and I credit that approach, for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make
that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the politicians method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

I still think it's funnier without any political agenda or commentary

kennyboy9563

what do you call an Irish fella who fits sliding windows ?

Patty O'Doors

mccarthy37

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who got divorced.
She went back to Peking and he went back to w*nking.

branie

Why do blondes drive Ford cars?
They can't spell BMW

The EU are having a conference about the horse meat saga, but did they come to an agreement?

Neigh!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Did you hear abotu the American Football player who went to jail?

He went in a tight end, but came out a wide receiver...

Vito Corleone

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though- he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do.

So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in- the newspaper, rowing, student government, and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done.

Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn't been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered.

Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but there's another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line- fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there's no punch line.

nootroc

Mistaken identity shooting. Has Oscar a leg to stand on?

--Kaiser--

nootroc wrote: »

Mistaken identity shooting. Has Oscar a leg to stand on?

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise,
Oscar Pistorius.

Capt'n Midnight

Dr Watson came home last night and saw five toes sticking out from under his bed..

Something was a foot.

Roger_007

Roses are red
Violets are cute
Enjoy your lasagne
But watch out for the bute.

Dj Grimreefer

Drunk joke straight off the top if me head...

So how cone midgets always seem to stroll under life's obstacles, I guess they drew the short straw

**** joke but it gave me a laugh

Anyone

"I can't come in to work." I told my boss over the phone. "I've been told to take it easy."

"Have you been to see a doctor?" he asked.

"No." I said. "I've been to see 'The Eagles'."

Theatre Seats

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"The ****ing balcony."

Death and Taxes

Deleted User wrote: »

Theatre Seats

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,


"The fúcking balcony."

No wonder your post count is so high, you post every joke twice!

WileyCoyote

WileyCoyote wrote: »

No wonder your post count is so high, you post every joke twice!

bloody mouse has an intermittent left button, press it once and it sends multiple actions.

dup deleted.

J Cheever Loophole

It seems that Oscar Pristorious shot his girlfriend with a starter pistol - police think it may be race related!!

passremarkable

nootroc wrote: »

Mistaken identity shooting. Has Oscar a leg to stand on?

dont blame him, he wasnt thinking straight, he was legless at the time

tayto lover

Deleted User wrote: »

bloody mouse has an intermittent left button, press it once and it sends multiple actions.

dup deleted.

I usually laugh more the second time anyway so no harm.

efb

“Roses are red.
Violets are glorious.
Never sneak up.
On Oscar Pistorius.”

efb

efb wrote: »

“Roses are red.
Violets are glorious.
Never sneak up.
On Oscar Pistorius.”

Roses are red
Violets are red
Everything's red
I thought she was a burglar

Lelantos

Ulysses1874 wrote: »

Roses are red
Violets are red
Everything's red
I thought she was a burglar[/Quote

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You have no legs, And now no girlfriend too.

Potential-Monke

I was sitting behind a woman on the bus the other day, and i tapped her on the shoulder and said "Sorry to bother you, but you seem to have semen on the back of your coat".
She said "Don't be silly, it's probably some yogurt or something".
I said "I doubt it, i don't usually ejaculate yogurt".

Potential-Monke

I was sitting behind a woman on the bus the other day, and i tapped her on the shoulder and said "Sorry to bother you, but you seem to have semen on the back of your coat".
She said "Don't be silly, it's probably just yogurt or something".
I said "I doubt it, i don't usually ejaculate yogurt".

loremolis

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I was sitting behind a woman on the bus the other day, and i tapped her on the shoulder and said "Sorry to bother you, but you seem to have semen on the back of your coat".
She said "Don't be silly, it's probably just yogurt or something".
I said "I doubt it, i don't usually ejaculate yogurt".

You don't "usually" ejaculate yogurt would suggest that you can and have done???

Ledger

Roses are mad,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cuz here comes me willy.

Latchy

Red Indian chief Sitting Bull was responsible for naming every new born in the tribe and one day , a young brave approached him and asked '' how do you think of a name for each baby ?''

''It's simple '' replied Sitting Bull .When I see snow gently falling I say '' you shall be called ''snow gently falling '' and when I see a hawk flying over I say '' you shall be called '' hawk flying over '' . Now tell me two dogs f***ing , why do you ask ?

cruiser178

I bought a valentines card 4 everyone at our local tourettes society
its the thought that cúnts.

Capt'n Midnight

I still ask if they have a copy of 'The Dandy' at the newsagent.

Knowing full well the answer will Beano.

Alkers

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

It seems that Oscar Pristorious shot his girlfriend with a starter pistol - police think it may be race related!!

Didn't you hear, they've found new evidence at the crime-scene putting him completely in the clear!?

Footprints :pac:

mccarthy37

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful sidekick are on a camping trip when both are awakened by the cold. with no means of heat Holmes decides on some detective work to occupy the minds.

Holmes: Tell me Watson what do you see.

Watson: I see the moon and I see the stars on this beautiful clear night.

Holmes: What do you deduct from that Watson.

Watson: Well Holmes on such a clear night our universe is a magnificent sight truly there is a God.

Holmes: No Watson you fool somebody has robbed our f*cking tent.

keano_afc

What's blue and full of Haribo? Kevin Webster's overalls.

branie

A man walks into to supermacs and asks for a burger.

"What would you like on it?" the girl behind the counter asks.

"€2 each way," the man replies.

Chocoholic84

A turkey goes to cross the road. The chicken runs up and says "Don't do it, you'll never hear the end of it!"

kfallon

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes”.

Paddy says “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

kfallon

If Kevin Webster is convicted of Sexual Abuse charges it will be the first time The Soap has dropped a prisoner.....

Strawberry Fields

My 13-year-old son came home from school today and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I replied, "What is it?"

He said, "There's a pretty girl in my class who keeps flirting with me. She has great tits and is dirty as hell, but she has a boyfriend. What would you do if you were in my situation?"

"About 4 years in prison." I replied

Capt'n Midnight

Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the university of East Anglia.

It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich.







After seeing the prices of sex changes privately, I decided to have a go at doing it myself.
My mates said I was mad and I'd never be able to do it.

But I pulled it off.





I know an old woman who swallowed a horse.
Actually we all do

McChubbin

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus so the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him,

'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies:

'If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!

Tesco treble club card points are now on offer for all petrol & burgers! The deal is called...........:
Only fuel and horses

Think I’ve just had 1 of them Tesco burgers cos when I had done I had a bit between my teeth

Yet more Tesco food scandal - Apparently they've found uniquorn in the veggie burgers.

Tesco are now favourites to sponsor both the Cheltenham Gold Cup and The Grand National

I was in Tesco this morning and they had White rum and Dark rum in the spirits section. I asked if Red rum was out of stock or was located in the meat section.
How do you like your burgers? Well done or rare?
I'll have one each way.
I prefer mine good to firm

Is it a coincidence hamburgers is an anagram of Shergars bum...???

I think someone is sending me death threats; I woke up this morning and found a Tesco burger on my pillow

Despite the recent news, Tesco’s say their sales of beef burgers remain stable

Two burgers please, easy on the dressage.

They taste even better with a bit of 'filly' on.

The company that supplies Tesco with its burgers has now foalded.

If you think their burgers are good, try the meatballs, they're the dogs b*ll*cks.

mccarthy37

A poor farmer working in a field digs up an urn gives it a look and throws it into the ditch.
Bang the urn breaks with a big puff of smoke and a Genie appears before the startled farmer.
For freeing me from my prison I will grant you 3 wishes what is your command
So being poor all his life his first wish was for one hundred million euro.
Your wish is my command but I must warn you the reason for my imprisonment was because I am a jinks. Whatever you wish for your worst enemy will receive double.
This tore the man apart as that hungry b*stard with seven hundred acres next door to him would be twice as rich oh jasus how he hated him. So he asked for time to think before his second wish and finally said O K for my second wish I want 12 beautiful virgins all for myself who will be ready for sex at my command.
Your wish is my command but remember your worst enemy will receive 24 even more beautiful virgins.
F*ck it I don't care about him.
Now before you grant me my final wish he says to the Genie I need some advice. What is it you need to know says the Genie.
I was wondering is there much of a problem having one ball removed.

Bassboxxx

I've just seen the screen play for Spielberg's new blockbuster....
It's a story about a paralympian who shoots his model girlfriend..

It's got Oscar written all over it.....:D




Made that myself...really quite proud of it...:)

Chocoholic84

Bog wrote: »

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.


Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake.

How 50 people actually read that is beyond me :eek:

Drakares

Deleted User wrote: »

Tesco

Stopped reading there.

Allyall

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

How 50 people actually read that is beyond me :eek:

Went back to see what it was.. I don't think i've ever seen a post that long..



To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

Capt'n Midnight

Allyall wrote: »

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

Enjoy the fine :pac:

--Kaiser--

Paddy is in a disco. He asks a girl "How bout a shag?" She replies "I'm on my menstrual cycle."
"Great" says Paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow you home!"

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex....

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy, you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you.'


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. *This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!

namloc1980

Don't feel too bad for Oscar Pistorius....today South African prisoner, tomorrow South African President!