The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

namloc1980

namloc1980 wrote: »

Don't feel too bad for Oscar Pistorius....today South African prisoner, tomorrow South African President!

He might find it difficult to get his foot in that particular door! :pac:

mccarthy37

Two gay lovers were parked down a laneway making out in their car when there was a loud knock on the windscreen. What are you doing there said a cop and one of the lads said we are just necking officer. Well says the cop put your necks back in your trousers and f*ck off out of here.

.skid

Apparently Oscar Pistorius is on suicide watch...




At least they won't have to take his shoelaces.

the varg

Starting next month viagra will now only be sold under its generic name. Customers are requested to ask their pharmacist for mycoxafloppin.

ScummyMan

Dear Lonely hearts, Irritating male obsessed with religious wordplay sikhs similar.....

chughes

Deleted User wrote: »

He might find it difficult to get his foot in that particular door! :pac:

No problem to Oscar getting in the door. 4 well placed 9mm rounds and a cricket bat should do it for him.

Chocoholic84

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

Chemical Burn

Knock Knock?

Who's There?

Siobhán

Siobhán who?

Siobhán your knickers, your mother's coming

---

What's the difference between a junkie and Batman?

Batman can go into town without Robbin

---

What's the similarity between junkies and sperm?

They come in their droves and only one of them will work

---

Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was talking the piss out of the knickers

---

chrismon

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

chrismon

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Curly Judge

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
In Britain they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

J Cheever Loophole

It has been revealed that the judge in the Oscar Pistorious trial only agreed to bail after Pistorious agreed to wear an electronic tag on his ankle.

Capt'n Midnight

If the legs do no fit, you must acquit.

Dartz

Pfft.... defense doesn't have a leg to stand on...

buffalo909

Coriolanus wrote: »

You're right. People make jokes about the Holocaust too without realising how many people have been personally hurt by the treatment of the Jews.

Take my grandfather for example. He was treated absolutely horribly by the Nazies at Dachau...






















Passed over for promotion, again and again.

I don't like jokes about the holocaust, Anne Frankly, they're not funny.

buffalo909

How do you give a duck soul??


Put it in a frying pan until its Bill Withers.

Duck goes into a chemist and asks for some chap stick, chemist says "that'll be $2", duck says "just put it on my bill."

Zen65

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the university of East Anglia.

It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich.

Please forgive my pedantic response to this but that should have been "Japanese". The Chinese people have no problem with the letter "L", but they replace "R" with "L" in speech. Conversely the Japanese replace "L" with "R" in speech.

Z

frag420

Zen65 wrote: »

Please forgive my pedantic response to this but that should have been "Japanese". The Chinese people have no problem with the letter "L", but they replace "R" with "L" in speech. Conversely the Japanese replace "L" with "R" in speech.

Z

That's not funny!!

mccarthy37

True story.
Students of Norfolk University in Virginia were suspended for a chant they used at a football match.
We don't or smoke "Norfolk".

Capt'n Midnight

Zen65 wrote: »

Please forgive my pedantic response to this but that should have been "Japanese". The Chinese people have no problem with the letter "L", but they replace "R" with "L" in speech. Conversely the Japanese replace "L" with "R" in speech.

Z

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xECUrlnXCqk

:pac:

buffalo909

A farmer buys a stallion and lets him loose on the farm, the stallions walking around when he meets a cow, he asks the cow "what do you do around here?" Cow replies "the farmer milks me every morning and I just hang out in this field" Stallion goes on his way and meets a sheep and asks him the same question, sheep replies "the farmer shears me every now and again and sells my wool" Stallion goes on his way and bumps into a zebra, asking it the same question, zebra says ''I just hang out in this field and eat grass, why what do you do around here?" Stallion says "Get outta those fcuking pyjamas I'll show you what I do!!"

In Exile

Zen65 wrote: »

Please forgive my pedantic response to this but that should have been "Japanese". The Chinese people have no problem with the letter "L", but they replace "R" with "L" in speech. Conversely the Japanese replace "L" with "R" in speech.

Z

Was the "z" at the end of your message your signature or everybody else falling asleep at your story!!

Push Pop

There is no way Oscar Pistorius could have committed that crime because it was so dark.

He couldn't see two feet in front of him!!!!!

Anyway, the jury are stumped :eek::eek::eek:

Ok last one: Everyone knew the couple weren't getting on well but he just couldn't walk out on her!!!

p4ddyh1

buffalo909 wrote: »

I don't like jokes about the holocaust, Anne Frankly, they're not funny.

My grandfather died in a concentration camp








He fell out of his gun tower

podgemonster

p4ddyh1 wrote: »

My grandfather died in a concentration camp


He fell out of his gun tower

FFS stop with these Holocaust jokes they are NOT funny, my ancerstors were treated very badly by the Nazi's.




Passed over on Promotions numerous times!

everlast75

Q: What do you call a dog with no tongue?


A: Smellyballs....

Grandpa, what Is couple sex?(Funny one--cute and clean)
Make sure that you understand the question first....
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this was too funny not to forward. We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears
and keep the hearing aids tuned up. (Some of us anyway!) Enjoy! rr
--- What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

exador

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next **** could spell disaster.




I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge lastnight.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for a while, me andthe wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough….once she killed herself I startedto feel a lot better.
So I thought, "**** it"….soldier on.

admiralofthefleet

IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA...

Theres a joke in there somewhere, youll have to assemble it yourselves

Roger_007

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA...

Theres a joke in there somewhere, youll have to assemble it yourselves

Sh1t! That's the extra bit that's always left over!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'




PS: Some of the old duffers this was posted to are a bit deaf, that's why it's in caps!

Lelantos

dolanbaker wrote: »

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'




PS: Some of the old duffers this was posted to are a bit deaf, that's why it's in caps!

And repeated, just to make sure!

Lelantos

Lelantos wrote: »

And repeated, just to make sure!

It's like the civil service, everything in triplicate.


Not any more, I've dissed the dup!

major bill

Whats Blue and White and rarely seen at the top of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket!!!!



Dont know why but i find that joke to be a very good ice breaker, its so stupid ye have to laugh.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used."

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket ha nging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Edit: dup deleted! :P

Lincoln is doing well in theatres.

Historically this has not been the case.

mccarthy37

A Garda on horseback stops a kid on a bike who was out late. Writing a ticket he asked the kid did Santa give him the bike, the young fellow said yes, well said the Garda next year ask Santa for a light for your bike. The kid asked the Garda did Santa give you the horse, yes said the cop sarcastically why. Well said the kid next year tell Santa that the b*llox should be underneath the horse.

Capt'n Midnight

There are countless films without Dracula in them.

fasttalkerchat

mccarthy37 wrote: »

A Garda on horseback stops a kid on a bike who was out late. Writing a ticket he asked the kid did Santa give him the bike, the young fellow said yes, well said the Garda next year ask Santa for a light for your bike. The kid asked the Garda did Santa give you the horse, yes said the cop sarcastically why. Well said the kid next year tell Santa that the b*llox should be underneath the horse.

The only animal with 2 arseholes.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.


One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

" I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, now her vagina has completely closed up!!!

"Bummer mate"

"Good idea!!"

“Thanks mate!!"

mccarthy37

The Lone Ranger And his sidekick Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto jumps of his horse leans his head down to the ground and says Buffalo come. The Lone Ranger says that's amazing how do you know such things and Tonto says ear sticky.

admiralofthefleet

mccarthy37 wrote: »

The Lone Ranger And his sidekick Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto jumps of his horse leans his head down to the ground and says Buffalo come. The Lone Ranger says that's amazing how do you know such things and Tonto says ear sticky.

whats the closest thing to silver

the lone ranger's bollix

mccarthy37

A mouse comes across an Elephant in tears in the jungle one day and asks whats wrong Mr Elephant and the Elephant says that he has a thorn in his foot and he cant get it out. The Elephant asks the mouse if he lifts his foot would the mouse go under and remove the thorn.
No problem says the mouse but if I do this favour I want to have sex with you after. So the Elephant agrees laughing to himself lifts his foot and the mouse gets under and removes the thorn and then says what about our deal. The Elephant says of course hop up so the mouse gets up on him and starts banging away. The Elephant staggers with the laughter and stands on another thorn and leaves a roar out him and the mouse shouts suffer baby suffer.

chocksaway

What's the difference between BSE and PMS?

One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem

Capt'n Midnight

I had to sit down and tell my parents that I'd got my girlfriend into trouble.

"Don't you use condoms?" was the first thing they screamed at me.

"Of course I did." I snapped. "But one burst at the airport and they found the rest at the hospital."

Raymond, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

narddog

Tiger Woods is in Japan for a tournamemnt. The night before, he decides to head out and sample the Toyko nightlife.

He hooks up with a Japenese chick and brings her back to his room. Tiger is slightly the worse for wear as they turn the lights out and start at it.

Suddenly Tiger hears her groan and moan "Schimotus, schimotus". He keeps at it, while she keeps moaning "Schimotis, schimotis".

Next morning, hungover like a dog, Tiger heads to the course to tee it up. At the 1st hole, his head a mess, he mistakenly tees off towards the 2nd green.

Someone from the crowds shouts out "Schimotis". Tiger turns to his interpreter and asks, what the **** does "Schimotus" mean?

The interpreter replied "wrong hole".....

Godsentme

p4ddyh1 wrote: »

My grandfather died in a concentration camp
He fell out of his gun tower

My grandfather died in a concentration camp too!!

A fella fell out of a gun tower on top of him and killed him stone dead!

Banjo String

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much are the cocktails?
The Barman says,
"£4 a glass and £10 for a Pitcher"
Paddy replied
" i'll have a glass, forget about the photo!