The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Port Charlotte. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..


Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.


Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"


With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,


"How did you know that was what I wanted?"


The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Capt'n Midnight

My wife said she wanted to watch an adult movie or 2 after work tonight. That was an odd request I thought, and I brought some home with me. She hated them, she barely made it through the first movie.

"How to Secure A Stable Financial Retirement"

irish bloke

Santa and Mary Claus sitting watching telly when they hear tapping on the roof.

Mary says: "is that snow on the roof"
To which Santa replies: "no, that's rain dear"

Capt'n Midnight

Honda release car to rival the Kia Provo


it's called the "Red Honda Ulster"

padjo5

What do you call a dog with no hind legs, and balls of steel?

Sparky.

podgemonster

padjo5 wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no hind legs, and balls of steel?

Sparky.

What do you call a dog with no ears?

A Cúnt

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fúckin' cat!!!

EoghanIRL

Godsentme wrote: »

My grandfather died in a concentration camp too!!

A fella fell out of a gun tower on top of him and killed him stone dead!

I did nazi that comming , Anne frankly it wasn't funny either .

Whats brown,smelly and hides in the attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank!

dilallio

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I did nazi that comming , Anne frankly it wasn't funny either .

My brother went to see a play about Anne Frank, a good few years ago in New York. The play was unbelievably bad, and the director had cast his younger girlfriend in the main role.

Her acting was so bad, that in the middle of the play, when the German soldiers came into the house, someone in the audience started shouting:
"Lads, she's hiding upstairs in the attic".

admiralofthefleet

Last year I asked my mam what she wanted for mothers day, 'I wanna Dyson' she said.

So i killed her

rolliepoley

whats the smallest hotel in the world ?

A gee because you have to leave your bags outside.

rolliepoley

rolliepoley wrote: »

whats the smallest hotel in the world ?

A gee because you have to leave your bags outside.

get your coat

chughes

urbanledge wrote: »

get your coat

Why, has he pulled??

Curly Judge

An Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pakistani are on top of the
Eiffel Tower….

The American throws a load of money off the top.

"Why did you do that"? Ask the others.

"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it" says
the
American.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the
top, saying "We have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it"

The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says " Don't you dare!"

Kettleson

Guy walks into pub on his own.

New barman says "excuse me, hope you dont mind me asking, but do you have 2 anuses?"

"WTF are you talking about!?" says the guy.

"Oh sorry" says the bar man. "But everytime you come in here with your mates, my boss always says "Oh bollocks, here comes that bloke with the 2 arse holes".

Aphex

:rolleyes:


Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

Three baby boys were born within minutes of each other in a Dublin hospital. One baby was born to English parents, one to Indian parents and one to Irish parents. The baby boys were taken to the nursery, after which the doctor came out to the three fathers, who were waiting to see their sons.

"I'm very sorry," the doctor announced, "But we've had a mix up with the babies. They were born so soon after each other that we can't be sure whose baby is whose."

The Irish man stood up and said "Let me see the kids! I'll know my own son!"

So they allowed the Irish man to walk in, he looked at the three babies and picked up the Indian baby boy and walked out with him. The Indian man stopped him and said "I'm sorry sir, but there are three babies in there, and only one of them is obviously Asian, that is MY son!"

The Irish guy replied "Yeah, but one of the other two is English, and I'm not taking any chances."

Jon_459

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set of for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbour’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

Ando's Saggy Bottom

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said.

Aphex

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "No! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages!

Esel

Jon_459 wrote: »

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set of for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbour’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

What country did you hear this joke in? Because that's not exactly funny....

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?











One? [ in a German accent ]



That's the German sense of humour.

mydogjack

Actually it was funny, really funny.

And as for your joke, I've had funnier toothaches!

kev1.3s

I taught that was flicking hilarious.

johanna86

it doesn't matter...he can't hear you anyway!

Apanachi

Esel wrote: »

That's the German sense of humour.

As is getting worked up about a simple joke

What's your problem with the bit you highlighted?

ynul31f47k6b59

Esel wrote: »

That's the German sense of humour.

German sense of humour! THAT's the best joke I've ever heard.

TheLastMohican

shanna83 wrote: »

German sense of humour! THAT's the best joke I've ever heard.

Surely "the best lie I've heard", is what you meant?

FishHook

I recently bought a GPS system for my car. Bonnie Tyler does the voice for it. I am going to have to bring it back to the shop though. It keeps on telling me to turn around...and every now and then it falls apart!!

Kettleson

I'm just back from Cheltenham where I met a one-legged jockey who I hadn't seen for a while.

We were in the parade ring, so I asked him how he was getting on.

ericl

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

admiralofthefleet

White smoke from the Vatican, That can only mean one thing

They've finally finished burning all the laptops and hard drives.

Curly Judge

Ed met Linda on a singles cruise ship and fell instantly in love with her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a
fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very
much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair
to warn you,
I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

If there's anyone who can shelter a German from being prosecuted for human rights violations, it's someone from Argentina...

smash

The world economy explained with two cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut.


AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them's a horse

johnny_knoxvile

where do you take a Jewish kid with ADD?


Concentration camp.

tayto lover

Kettleson wrote: »

I'm just back from Cheltenham where I met a one-legged jockey who I hadn't seen for a while.

We were in the parade ring, so I asked him how he was getting on.

That one-legged jockey was actually Chinese.
His name is Tie-Won-Shu.

Capt'n Midnight

Very sad. David Bowie has been electrocuted whilst rewiring his apartment in Los Angeles.

The coroner reported that it was a tragic case of the man who failed to earth.

admiralofthefleet

tayto lover wrote: »

That one-legged jockey was actually Chinese.
His name is Tie-Won-Shu.

and his mate the chinese footballer; bang wan inn

e_e

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

Aphex

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Aphex

.

Chemical Burn

Religion and global warming

cherryghost

FishHook wrote: »

I recently bought a GPS system for my car. Bonnie Tyler does the voice for it. I am going to have to bring it back to the shop though. It keeps on telling me to turn around...and every now and then it falls apart!!

Sorry to quote but the funny part is her first single is 'Lost in France'

wexie

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and Productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to
the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time!
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

crockholm

2 Jewish boys, Schlomo & Ari are walking past a church,thet see a sign which proclaims " all converts to Catholicism get 50 dollars". Schlomo decides that this is something worth taking,just for a laugh and to make a little money, so in he goes while Ari waits outside.

About 5 minutes later Schlomo comes out and Ari goes up to him and asks "well? what happened in there?"

Schlomo said "ech,not much, I saw the priest,asked him could I convert and he had a saucer of water with him and he flicked the water on me and said "you're catholic now"

"And what about the 50 bucks?" asked Ari


"You Jews!!" replied Schlomo "All you care about is money"

mlumley

A mans has been having an affair with an Italian woman. One day she tells him she is pregnant, and asks what shall they do? He says, look, If I devorce her, she'll take all my money and I cant help you. How about you go back to Italy, and when the baby is born, I'll send you money every month.

Ok, she says, but how do I let you know when the baby is born?

He thinks for a minute and says. I know, when you give birth, send me a post card with, Spagetti on it , and I'll know the baby is born, and I'll send you money every month.

So, off she goes back home.

9 Months later, his wife picks up a post card from the door. Honney, You have just got a stange postcard from Italy. The husband grabs it, reads it the faints.

His wife picks it up and reads it. It said. Spagetti, Spagetti,Spagetti. Spagetti, Spagetti. Three with meat balls, Two without, send more sauce.

summerskin

I bought a new sat nav recently too, a Bon Jovi one. Fûcking thing just keeps telling me we're halfway there.

SUNGSAM

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

and his mate the chinese footballer; bang wan inn

And his mate that sits on the wall. Ray Ling...

Curly Judge

The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"

Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."