The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Kettleson

A duck waddles into a Spar shop and a takes a loaf of bread to the counter.

The shop assistant says "€3 please".

The duck says "WTF €3!, You can stick that on my bill!"

bonzodog2

Kettleson wrote: »

A duck waddles into a Spar shop and a takes a loaf of bread to the counter.

The shop assistant says "€3 please".

The duck says "WTF €3!, You can stick that on my bill!"

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is "Do you have a condom?" and Donald says "No".

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.

The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and Donald says, "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"

Kettleson

Duck walks into the Job Centre and asks for a job.

Jobs assistant goes "WTF! A talking duck! I can get you a job on TV, I'll be your manager, we'll be rich!".

Duck says "Will you stop taking the piss, I'm a plasterer FFS!"

Clandestine

My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local pedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight."

I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia."

Lawless2k12

My penis used to be in The Guinness Book of World Records..... until the librarian threw me out.

tayto lover

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of 10,000 euro for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

ADonoghue

The bloke who told his Wife that he was " in to black underwear " she didn't wash his underpants for three weeks

Ihatecuddles-old

I was out walking yesterday and someone threw shampoo at me...

Hey, at least it wasn't real poo!

Witchie

Medical fact: a woman drinking two glasses of wine can lead to a stroke.

Let her finish the bottle and she might suck it too.

IK09

Curly Judge wrote: »

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
'

soo....maannnyyy....clichés

Banjo String

I'm going to a good Friday, fancy dress house party tomorrow night.

My mate is going as a rastafarian and has asked me to do his hair.


I'm dreading it.

NukaCola

To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

or

A higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says "Your kind isn't welcome here." The higgs boson says "But without me you can't have mass!"

DB Cooper 23

What's got 2 legs and one eye?

Half a chair and half a cow's head

whomitconcerns

urbanledge wrote: »

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
3!
The left ear,
the right ear
and the final front ear

You'll find thats 4.. :P

His left ear
His right ear
Scotty the engine ear
and his final front ear

SpiderHead

Ask me if I'm an orange.

Are you an Orange ?

No

Capt'n Midnight

Orange you sad because no one asked ?

Clandestine

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the fcuk was that? Stop the car, son."

Kettleson

A social worker stopped a man in the street and says

"Excuse me do you have the time?"

The man replies "No I haven't got a watch".

The social worker replies..."Ah not to worry, but it was good to talk about it".

tayto lover

Kettleson wrote: »

A social worker stopped a man in the street and says

"Excuse me do you have the time?"

The man replies "No I haven't got a watch".

The social worker replies..."Ah not to worry, but it was good to talk about it".

???

Kettleson

tayto lover wrote: »

???

OK, I'll try another...:p

Did you hear about the man whose cat used to eat coins and things?

He always had plenty money in the kitty.

rolliepoley

What did the constipated senior citizen say?













































I'm getting too old for this sh1t.

A fella called fish

Kettleson wrote: »

A social worker stopped a man in the street and says

"Excuse me do you have the time?"

The man replies "No I haven't got a watch".

The social worker replies..."Ah not to worry, but it was good to talk about it".

That was the best joke you've ever heard....?

Aphex

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I was out walking yesterday and someone threw shampoo at me...

Hey, at least it wasn't real poo!

How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene!

Chabals Beard

An American tourist is lost in rural Kerry. He sees a local staggering along the road. He stops and asks "Is this the road to Lixnaw?" to which the Kerryman replies "It is, but you are going the wrong way"

Lawless2k12

A pikey was showing off his new horse to his friends in a car park. All happy and proud with his latest purchase he was striding around with his head held high.

One of his mates asks "Is it male or female?"

The proud owner replies "I'm fairly sure tis a she 'cos I heard someone passin' me by say 'look at the smelly cnut on that horse'"

Lawless2k12

Lawless2k12 wrote: »

A pikey was showing off his new horse to his friends in a car park. All happy and proud with his latest purchase he was striding around with his head held high.

One of his mates asks "Is it male or female?"

The proud owner replies "I'm fairly sure tis a she 'cos I heard someone passin' me by say 'look at the smelly cnut on that horse'"

Naughty!

TheUsual

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look my friend, you've obviously got the wrong address. Please go away", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!".
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the guy back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong address! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same Japanese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong address! Who do you want to give these to ?"

The Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says :

"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

whiskeyman

When every I see the above joke, I always remember this one:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Capt'n Midnight

From reddit so it must be true

You know those robotic vacuum cleaners ?


A friend of mine had a roomba that she absolutely loved until one day when her dog pooped on the carpet. That little robot unknowingly ran over the poop and then covered her entire living room with it. That was the last of the roomba

Curly Judge

A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking
Around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy. '

'And here I am.'

---

First time I have ever seen a Blonde Man Joke !

onionhead

I've started a band called 1000 megabytes.......we've yet to get a gig.

I'l get my coat

rolliepoley

Teacher "How did you know your cat was dead, Johny ?"
Johnny "He did not move when I pissed in his ear."
Teacher "You WHAT ?"
Johnny " You know miss, I leant over and went 'Psst' in his ear."

Lawless2k12

LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES

A teacher asks her class if anyone could put the word "Contagious" in a sentence for her.

Mary at the front says "My Daddy had a cold and my Mammy said it's contagious"

Teacher: "Very good Mary! Anyone else?"

Steven: "My brother said yawning is contagious"

Teacher: "Well I suppose you're right. Well done. Any others?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up and the teacher picks him next.

Johnny: "My Mammy was out painting the house the other day and my Daddy said she was stupid for painting the house with a two inch brush because it would take the cuntages..."

Duiske

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in many years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a deep gash on his forehead, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.














Apparently she stood him up.

.

chughes

Cliff Richard had just done a successful tour of Japan and his final Japanese gig was in Tokyo.

The final concert was going really well so as a sign of appreciation Cliff asked the audience if there was any song they would like him to sing.

As one they all shouted back "ITCHY FANNY, ITCHY FANNY...."

Cliff was a bit shocked by this request but kept his composure. "It's not a song I know and I don't usually sing about things like that", he said.

But the crowd insisted, "ITCHY FANNY, ITCHY FANNY..." they cried.

Cliff was a bit dubious but out of respect for his audience he thought he better accede to their wish.

"OK" he said, "you'll have to help me, how does it go?".

And the crowd sang "ITCHY FANNY how we don't talk anymore....."

wesleysniper38

Forgive me if this one was told before:


Doctor Doctor, I cant pronounce my F's or my T's.




Well you can't say fairer than that.

Love2love

Said by my 5 year old cousin with a stammer:

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots??

Here Precious2

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?




.....Orange you glad you got rid of that banana.

wexie

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roars towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?".
The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man.

"Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.....

Now give me back my dog.

RayCon

Not the best joke Ive ever heard ..... but anyway ...

wellboy76

What does a Polish man give his new bride that is long and hard?

His surname

Allyall

What sits at the bottom of the sea and throws things?











A Lobster.

Capt'n Midnight

Why is the sand wet ?

Because the seaweed.

ricero

Stevie wonder got a cheese grater for xmas. Heard it was the best book he ever read;-)

hefferboi

ricero wrote: »

Stevie wonder got a cheese grater for xmas. Heard it was the best book he ever read;-)

Very violent though.

Doctor doctor,
there's a steering wheel in my pants!

Whats it doing there?

Its driving me nuts!

fred funk }{

When asked in the 80's if he would ever play a concert in Dublin, Stevie Wonder said he wouldn't because he couldn't see The Point.

chughes

fred funk }{ wrote: »

When asked in the 80's if he would ever play a concert in Dublin, Stevie Wonder said he wouldn't because he couldn't see The Point.

For once in my life I actually get a Stevie Wonder joke.

Allyall

chughes wrote: »

For once in my life I actually get a Stevie Wonder joke.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vxVyaYuGYE

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

A man lost his dog, so he put an ad in the paper. And the ad said, “Here, boy!”

rolliepoley

Doctor: And when did you first notice that you were suffering from acute diarrhea.

Patient: It was yesterday, when I was removing my bicycle clips.