The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Ali Babba

Did you hear about the Kerryman who thought Hertz Van Rental was a dutch artist and who thought Manuel Labour was the Spanish ambassador.

Who was the first traveller in the bible? Hosanna in the Hi Ace.
When was a motorbike first mentioned in the bible? You could hear the roar of Moses Triumph.

The first mention of elasticity in the bible? When Jesus tied his ass to the post and walked for forty days.

falan

thebullkf wrote: »

fook me.. BEST JOKES??????

I could never post my best jokes here. Too many people would take offence.:)

admiralofthefleet

My 15 year old daughter says she wants an Eye pad for Christmas because they're the 'must have gift'

Boots do them for a fiver. I'm so glad she doesn't want anything expensive this year.

jiltloop

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra.

What's the difference between rape and cheesy popcorn?

I don't like cheesy popcorn.

35x

Ali Babba wrote: »

Did you hear about the Kerryman who thought Hertz Van Rental was a dutch artist and who thought Manuel Labour was the Spanish ambassador.

Who was the first traveller in the bible? Hosanna in the Hi Ace.
When was a motorbike first mentioned in the bible? You could hear the roar of Moses Triumph.

The first mention of elasticity in the bible? When Jesus tied his ass to the post and walked for forty days.

First mention of athletics in Bible...
When Our lord cleared the Temple

First mention of medication in Bible...
When brought down the Tablets from the mountain (in Triumph!!!!!! )

I thought Manual Labour was a Spanish Obstetrician

Thomas_S_Hunterson

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse doesn't respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand english. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

Bjorn Bored.

whats the most confusing day of the year in tallaght?

fathers day.

whats the difference between aids and cancer?

visitors.

all i can think of this late hr.

policarp

A young boy wanders into a building site and the builders look after him until his mother is found. When his distraught mother finds him and brings him home, nothing will pacify the lad until he gets some building blocks.
She gets him the blocks and he plays away for hours. He builds a wall and his mother says "my son you've built a lovely wall" and the young lad says "no it's not, it's a gee hair off plumb."
When his mother hears this foul language she tells him to gather up all the blocks and go to bed.
"I will in my bollox", he says "that's a labourers job."

Gerard.C

Changing the title of the film Catcher In The Rye to Catch Her In Her Eye

Also Schindlers List to Schindlers Fist

ddef

Gerard.C wrote: »

Changing the title of the film Catcher In The Rye to Catch Her In Her Eye

Also Schindlers List to Schindlers Fist

Shaving Ryans Privates is a must too.

markfla

35x wrote: »

First mention of athletics in Bible...
When Our lord cleared the Temple

First mention of medication in Bible...
When brought down the Tablets from the mountain (in Triumph!!!!!! )

I thought Manual Labour was a Spanish Obstetrician

First mention of soccer in the bible.....
Jesus goes for the cross

Jaafa

What do you call a chav in a box?

Init

zeusnero

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde ... Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don' t tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

HornyDevil

Three bodies get taken in to the morgue one night, and each has a big grin on their faces.

The undertaker says to the policeman "Strange to have three at the same time, and all with such big grins".

The policeman replies "Well, the first one died having sex with his mistress. The second won the lottery and died of alcoholic poisoning. The third one is a little unusual; that's Paddy from Dublin, and he got struck by a bolt of lightning. The daft bugger thought he was having his picture taken".

superelliptic

yeah, but its better not to see the punchline as you move onto the next post, esp for short jokes.

jackiebaron

What do George Michael and wellington boots have in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs.

zeusnero

zeusnero wrote: »

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

I thought this was going to turn into the gocompare ad :pac:

superelliptic

EverEvolving wrote: »

Who is the smartest guy in the army?

General Knowledge

______________________________________________________


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

______________________________________________________

A monastery decided to start a fish and chip shop. When it opened, a customer comes in and asks one of the clerics: Are you the fish fryer? No, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

:pac: :pac: :pac:

Chipmonk - legend! :D:D

Lockstep

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

richymcdermott

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDEuLXLNGBo

Little Mickey

A nun was driving in the countryside in Co. Armagh when her car ran out of petrol.


She walked down a lane to a farm nearby and met the farmer who she asked for help. The farmer said that he has some petrol that he can give her but that he has no container to put it in.
He then realised that he has a chamber pot in the shed so he filled it with petrol and gave it to the nun.


The nun walked back to her car and began to fill it with the petrol from the chamber pot.
As she is filling it a large black Mercedes-Benz carrying Ian Paisley came along and pulled up beside to her.


Paisley let down the window and said to the nun

"Ma'am I have no time for your religon but I admire your faith"

ilovelamp2000

falan wrote: »

I could never post my best jokes here. Too many people would take offence.:)

They seem to get deleted anyway. No need.

Guill

A boy asks his Dad what's the difference between a fanny and a cnut.
The dad says 'come here i'll show you'.
The dad brings the boy up to the room where the mother is asleep.
Dad then whips of the covers to reveal his naked wife.
You see that? he says pointing between the mothers legs.
That's a fanny.
The rest of her's a Cnut.

Monkey_Pirate

How many Irish men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh don't worry Son, I'll just sit here in the dark... going blind...

A woman pregnant with triplets is shot three times in the stomach during a robbery. It's too risky to remove the bullets, but she makes a miraculous recovery and the three children grow up healthy.

One day her daughter comes running in clearly upset; "Mammy mammy I went for a pee and a bullet shot out!". The Mother calmly explains what happened.

The next day her other daughter comes running to her claiming the same problem. The mother explains again.

The day after that her son comes flying in; "MAM!! MAM!" The mother starts; "Its okay son, I can explain!"

He yells,

"NO MAM, I WAS HAVING A W*NK AND SHOT THE DOG!"

yuloni

This post has been deleted.

not yet

A man get a FINAL REMINDER from the sheriff, turns to his wife and says........

.thank god I want have to hear from them again.

--Kaiser--

I came home to my wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
And I said, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

gent9662

Soon after the Air France crash off the coast Brazil, three black women are on board a flight from Nigeria to America. Whilst over the sea it is suddenly announced that the plane is going to have to ditch into the Atlantic.

So the first black woman turns to the other two and say's "Hey girls, I'm not worried about ditching into the sea!, I have a big pair of luminous knickers, so when the plane goes down the rescue chopper will see my yellow luminous knickers and pick me up first".

The second lady laughs and says, "you have yellow luminous ones?, hell I have red and green luminous ones so I will be picked up first".

The third lady looks smug and says to the other two "I have no knickers on you silly b1tches, don't you know the first thing they look for is the black box!"

Lockstep

A kid goes up to her mam: "Mammy mammy, why am I called Petal?"
The mother replies "When I was pregnant with you, a petal landed on my stomach, I thought it was a sign so I named you after the petal"

Petal's brother runs up, "Mammy, mammy; why am I called Twig?"
"When I was pregnant with you, a twig landed on my stomach, I thought it was a sign so I named you after the twig"

Their sibling runs up " HURR DURR, HERPITY DURP"
"Shut up Fridge"

==========================================

Little Johnny runs into his room and sees his parents having sex, he screams and his dad just laughs and kicks him out of the room.
Later on the dad hears noises coming out of Johnny's room anf runs up to see Johnny having sex with his grandmother, The dad stands there with shock on his face until Johnny turns around and laughs "It's not so funny when it's your mam is it?"

Lamb_of_God

kickoutthejams wrote: »

A kid goes up to her mam: "Mammy mammy, why am I called Petal?"
The mother replies "When I was pregnant with you, a petal landed on my stomach, I thought it was a sign so I named you after the petal"

Petal's brother runs up, "Mammy, mammy; why am I called Twig?"
The mother replies "When I was pregnant with you, a twig landed on my stomach, I thought it was a sign so I named you after the twig"

Their sibling runs up " HURR DURR, HERPITY DURP"
The mother says "Shut up Fridge"

==========================================

Little Johnny runs into his room and sees his parents having sex, he screams and his dad just laughs and kicks him out of the room.
Later on the dad hears noises coming out of Johnny's room anf runs up to see Johnny having sex with his grandmother, The dad stands there with shock on his face until Johnny turns around and laughs "It's not so funny when it's your mam is it?"

FCUKIN LOL!!!!
HERPITY DEEEEEERRRRP!!:pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:

Pandoras Twist

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and then his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely

Lockstep

Pandoras Twist wrote: »

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and then his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely

An unexpected twist at the end.
Brilliant.

What's better than a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
What's better than a silver medal in the Special Olympics?
Crayons.
=========
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to cook?
The wheelchair.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Jordan and Peter Andre are still fighting each other over custody of Harvey - eventually one of them will lose and have to keep him.

I came up with that myself. I swear.

fred funk }{

My Girlfriend asked me the other day if I ever pissed in the shower, I told her I did sometimes by accident. "By accident" she said. I told her that when I was having a sh1t that sometimes I accidentally pissed too.

Capt'n Midnight

Tiffany Vast Liposuction wrote: »

I came up with that myself. I swear.

Guill

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

CrazyFish

I apologize in advance.

Why was Mr kiplings wife so mad with him ?

Because he brings home so many tarts.

saintsaltynuts

Man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor every time i sneeze i get this massive erection".Doctor replies "Have you taken anything for it?" Man replies"Yes Pepper!"

baldymac

you can put a man on the moon

but you cant put a man on susan boyle

Fluorescence

^ The best joke you ever heard? Really? :pac:

howsthehead

baby seal walks into a bar barman says what are you having,
baby seal says anything except a canadian club

Daniel S

Piste wrote: »

venison's deer, isn't it?



(works better spoken)

That's Rowan Atkinson's joke isn't it?

CorkMan

*knock knock*

Occupant: Who's there?

Person: Barack Obama, you own a medium sized business yet have not paid your increased taxes. I'm fleecing you of everything you have, and you best be out of town before dawn.

Occupant: OKilly Doke. *slams door in face and runs up stairs*

*Obama chases*

Obama: Mam I know you are in the toilet, Please Open It.

Occupant: I am going for a crap.

Obama: OK Mam.

*occupant escapes out through the roof*

*Obama makes loves to her 70 year old husband when he comes home*

Johro

CorkMan wrote: »

*knock knock*

Occupant: Who's there?

Person: Barack Obama, you own a medium sized business yet have not paid your increased taxes. I'm fleecing you of everything you have, and you best be out of town before dawn.

Occupant: OKilly Doke. *slams door in face and runs up stairs*

*Obama chases*

Obama: Mam I know you are in the toilet, Please Open It.

Occupant: I am going for a crap.

Obama: OK Mam.

*occupant escapes out through the roof*

*Obama makes loves to her 70 year old husband when he comes home*

Emm... wtf?

EverEvolving

I love self deprecating humour.
















Unfortunately, I'm no good at it.

sdanseo

There was once a fella from Dublin who was seeing a girl from down the country who was up working in the shmoke. One day, the Cailín decides to ask the fella down home to meet the parents. She also suggests that they should consumate their relationship, as until this stage they hadn't, as she was a traditional sort of girl.

So the fella packs up the car, and off they set. On the way, they pull in for petrol, and the guy goes in to pay. Next door is a pharmacy, and the fella decides he better pop in for some condoms, seeing as the first time was gonna be tonight.

On the shelf, there were many different brands, and being a young fella, and still a virgin, the fella wasn't really sure which one to choose. The pharmacist, noticing his confusion, offers his assistance and reccomends durex as the best brand.

"Cheers", says the fella, "it'll be my first time" he adds in a lowered voice. The he spots the larger packs, and says "should I maybe get a bigger pack?"
The pharmacists eyes widen at the prospect of a bigger sale and he says why yes, we do 3, 12's and super size packs of 24."
The fella says ah sure, he better go for the super size pack. "It's our first time, so we're bound to need a bit of practice. I might fúck it up first time or something".

So the couple arrive later on at the parents' house and soon they're sitting down to dinner. The fella greets the parents jovially, but after that as the night wore on, the fella is avoiding talking to the father, and as this becomes evident, the girl takes him aside.

"You seem very nervous about meeting my family", she says, "I never knew you to be nervous!"

The fella replies, "well yeah, but you never told me your father was a pharmacist!"

Galway K9

Johro wrote: »

Emm... wtf?

What was that?

Galway K9

What to knackers and cigarettes have in common?


1) They both smell
2) They both comes in packs of 10's and 20's
3) Thyre both banned in every pub in Ireland

fred funk }{

My wife phoned me up in work ask me for a double entendre. I went home and gave her one.

BengaLover

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench.
A streaker ran by, and one of the old ladies had a stroke.
The other could't quite reach.