The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''
''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

Mr Tibbs

A waitress in a restaurant was geting wicked hassle from a smartarse playboy saying what he would like to do to her in a dark room. So she agrees to let him have his way and if he doesn't make her see lights and hear bells ring he owed her a thousand euro. No problem says yer man as he rips her knickers off and places her on a pinball machine.

Kettleson

I was walking past a mother and young child today on the beach and the kid was crying hysterically as the ballon he was holding had flown off into the clouds.

The mother was shouting at the child " If you liked it then you should have put a string on it, if you liked it then you should have put a string on it". She was even shaking her booty, but the child just wouldnt shut his gob.

True story. Not.

Capt'n Midnight

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.
"Everything alright officer?" I asked.
"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."
"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive you home."

livinsane

Kettleson wrote: »

I was walking past a mother and young child today on the beach and the kid was crying hysterically as the ballon he was holding had flown off into the clouds.

The mother was shouting at the child " If you liked it then you should have put a string on it, if you liked it then you should have put a string on it". She was even shaking her booty, but the child just wouldnt shut his gob.

True story. Not.

I have taken the liberty of re-writing this joke.

What did Beyonce say to her daughter when her balloon flew away?

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a string on it.

rolliepoley

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

tayto lover

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****e... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

tayto lover

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your arse' says the boyfriend.

rolliepoley

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

donegal_road

one of the better ones Ive heard lately.


A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
... Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

bnt

A great one I heard today:

Q: When you stop riding your bike, why does it fall over?
A: Because it's two-tired, of course.

Mr Tibbs

Dd you hear about the canibal policeman.
He got done for grilling his suspects

rolliepoley

A Firm Handshake

At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed.
"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Abe

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."



"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

branie

When does a woman like a man's company?

When he owns it

Mr Tibbs

A Muslim saw the face of Allah on a tub of margarine.
His neighbour from Tibet saw it too and said I cant believe its not Buddha.

branie

branie wrote: »

Why do blondes like Ford cars?

They can spell BMW

I mean can't

corktina

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

Lelantos

corktina wrote: »

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

What does a Cork dog say?
"Woof, woof boy"

corktina

ah that's better....

Shanotheslayer

corktina wrote: »

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

Put a Cork in it Tina :P

Mr Tibbs

corktina wrote: »

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

I always prefer somebody who can tell a joke than some joker who thinks he's smartarse

corktina

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I always prefer somebody who can tell a joke than some joker who thinks he's smartarse

I can't be a smartarse with this cork in it....

Mr Tibbs

corktina wrote: »

I can't be a smartarse with this cork in it....

Ah so your a joker after all, come on tell us a good one anyone I know from Cork are always witty.

corktina

Two scabs are blowing down the road and one ends up right in the path of a huge truck..."hmm" he thinks to himself ,"I'm a goner here!"

groovie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIIuR-HjFho

Kettleson

There was this drunken prostitute who fell asleep on the steps of the synagogue.

And in the morning she awoke with a heavy Jew on her.

branie

A blonde walks into a bar.

You'd think she'd notice, wouldn't you?

gramar

A fella rings into work to say he won't be in.
'What's wrong?' asks his boss
'I'm sick' he says.
'What sort of sick?'
'I'm in bed with me sister'

--Kaiser--

branie wrote: »

A blonde walks into a bar.

You'd think she'd notice, wouldn't you?

Two bats walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have heard it

Anyone

My girlfriend was complaining that I never do anything romantic anymore.

"That's not true" I said "In fact, I've booked a table for us tonight"


Never again though,it took 2 hours before she potted a red.

tayto lover

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved:
forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth.....
back and forth.....
in and out.....
in and out.....
Her heart was pounding faster,
Her face was getting flushed,
She started to grunt and groan,
Then she let out one almighty scream...
"I can’t park this f%$kin car....YOU DO IT!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

Mr Tibbs

Marry the right woman and you are complete.
Marry the wrong woman and you are finished.
But get caught with the wrong woman by the right woman you will truly be f*cked.

rolliepoley

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do some stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

tayto lover

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor..
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

gramar

Two Guards are called to the scene of a serious accident where the driver
has lost control of the car and has been launched through the windscreen
and is lying decapitated on the road. One Guard is taking notes of the scene
and the position of the body and asks the other 'how do you spell hard shoulder,
two words or does it have a hyphen in the middle?' The other fella walks over to
the head and nudges it a few yards to the left and says ...'why don't you put ditch'

Capt'n Midnight

After Watching the A-Team and seeing Mr-T make a machine gun out of a clothes prop a screwdriver and a rubber band,

Roy Hodgson has decided he wants him to be assistant England manager to see what he can do with 11 spanners.

gramar

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Mick all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Mick, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Mick stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage him, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the £280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Mick and said, "And Mick, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Mick silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Mick, there's £3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Mick just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Mick."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten q-q-q-quid o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

genuine leather

Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientist fed 100 men twelve pints of beer each and observed that all the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sence,became emotional,couldnt drive,couldnt think and refused to apologise when wrong.

The Princess Bride

2 crabs were sunbathing on a beach.

The girl crab suggested to her boyfriend crab that he go get them both an ice cream cone.
Having bought the cones, making his way back to the beach, he decided to eat his cone.
By the time he'd finished his,he realised that his girlfriend's cone had started to melt all the way down to his claw,so he licked it up and ended up eating hers too!

When he arrived back at the beach,she asks," where's my ice cream cone?"
"Well," he said,"I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too!"

She was furious and cried," You shellfish bastard!"

The Princess Bride

A Russian immigrant went to apply for a driver's licence.
He had to take an eye test.
The doctor showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read it?" asked the doctor.
"Read it?" the Russian replied, "I know that man!"

FanadMan

gramar wrote: »

...........
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Mick."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten q-q-q-quid o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

Must have been a miracle how Mick changed to Louie :P

--Kaiser--

msthe80s wrote: »

A Russian immigrant went to apply for a driver's licence.
He had to take an eye test.
The doctor showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read it?" asked the doctor.
"Read it?" the Russian replied, "I know that man!"

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

--Kaiser--

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

Western Russia used to be eastern Poland! :pac: :P

Mr Tibbs

John was an awful worrier all his life but lately his friends began to notice a big change in his attitude as he seemed real carefree no matter what he done.
So they asked him how come there is such a change and he told them that he didn't have to worry anymore as he had employed a professional worrier for 1000 euro a week.
How can you afford 1000 euro a week.
I'll be f'*cked if I know thats his problem.

rolliepoley

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

rolliepoley

Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.

Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

rolliepoley

Q: What is blue and doesn't fit?


























A: A dead epileptic.

bmwguy

Scientists have discovered that drinking only 2 glasses of wine increases the chances of a woman having a stroke by up to 50%. But if you let her finish the entire bottle there is a 50% chance of her sucking it too