The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

Girl: Babe I just gotta a tattoo of a sea shell on my thigh can you hear the ocean?
*Pulls his head to her thigh*
Guy: Nope, But I sure can smell the fish

tayto lover

One day at a golf club, a local man and a stranger were put together to play in a tournament. The man was talking about his life, what he did for a living and so on. He then asked the stranger:

"what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a trained assassin"

The stranger could see the doubt in the man's face, so pulled out a very well-kept rifle, fitted with a scope and a large magazine. He handed it to the man, and he aimed down the sight,

"wow! I can see my house from here! And oh look, there's my wife, and my neighbour.... and they're having sex... How much do you charge?"

"it's €1000 every time I pull the trigger"

"Right ok, I want you to shoot my wife in the face, and my neighbour in the penis".

After 5 minutes of aiming, the man finally complained.

"C'mon, I'm paying you two grand for this!"

"One sec.... Just trying to save you a thousand quid"

jamaamaj

One day i ate a packet of tayto,
No, never again, was in-bits for three days.
From here all in it's KING all the way.
This aint no joke.

Mr Tibbs

One day in Science class the teacher asks his students what organ in the human body expands ten time its original size when stimulated. Nobody answers so he asks kate what the answer is.
She stand up red as a berry and very insulted saying this is a disgraceful question you have a filthy mind sir I intend to tell my parents and they will see to it that you are sacked
Ignoring kates outburst he repeats the question when Jim answers, it is the Iris of the human eye sir. Very good Jim well done now Kate I have three things to say to you.
1Its clear you did not do your homework, 2 you have a very dirty mind and 3 I'm afraid you are going to end up a very disapointed woman.

Cheensbo

rolliepoley wrote: »

What about him ?

Busted Flat. wrote: »

It was a Triumph. Great bike.

Deleted User wrote: »

I always thought that Christ had a car, it says in the bible* that "he arrived in his triumph"

*somewhere....

Busted Flat. wrote: »

That was years later when he got older, he had the Glorious Triumph 750, first.

I believe the first time a bike was mentioned in the bible was when Christs Triumph was heard all over the land,


-He must have had some sort of race can on it.

gramar

Cheensbo wrote: »

I believe the first time a bike was mentioned in the bible was when Christs Triumph was heard all over the land,


-He must have had some sort of race can on it.

I think his triumph being heard all over the land refers to the big horn he had on his bike. Have ye ever tried peddaling with a big horn?

Eli Nich

It definitely isnt for me as I am not a male but the joke is as it is

Wanna hear a story about my penis?
Nevermind its tooo long

gramar

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

tayto lover

jamaamaj wrote: »

One day i ate a packet of tayto,
No, never again, was in-bits for three days.
From here all in it's KING all the way.
This aint no joke.

:mad::mad::mad::mad:

patmac

Issac wrote: »

There was an old woman that lived in a shoe,
she'd so many children her uterus fell out

rolliepoley wrote: »

How do you get 4 gay men to fit on a bar stool?






















Flip it upside down.

jamaamaj wrote: »

One day i ate a packet of tayto,
No, never again, was in-bits for three days.
From here all in it's KING all the way.
This aint no joke.

Eli Nich wrote: »

It definitely isnt for me as I am not a male but the joke is as it is

Wanna hear a story about my penis?
Nevermind its tooo long

We should start a thread titled 'The Worst Joke you ever heard'

gramar

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"

stefan idiot jones

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck,
She put them in a room together,
To see if they would.............

gramar

Mary had a big fat cock,
She was a tranny....

Slattsy

I think there should be a seperate thread called:
'Worst joke ye ever heard'

Can a Mod transfer 97% of this thread into the new thread please.

Thanks in advance

NeVeR

Why is the near impossible to solve a Redneck murder ?







The DNA is all the same and there’s no dental records !

--Kaiser--

Slattsy wrote: »

I think there should be a seperate thread called:
'Worst joke ye ever heard'

Can a Mod transfer 97% of this thread into the new thread please.

Thanks in advance

How about you transfer yourself to a new thread? Or preferably a new forum.
Thanks in advance

NeVeR

whats the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans?



a pair of jeans only has one fly on it!

Slattsy

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

How about you transfer yourself to a new thread? Or preferably a new forum.
Thanks is advance

I think it's yourself that should follow a new forum lad, i've noticed the amount of thanks you give some of these 'jokes' so clearly humour isnt your thing.

Lelantos

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

How about you transfer yourself to a new thread? Or preferably a new forum.
Thanks is advance

And who said Germans don't have a sense of humour
;-)

Mod

This is a HAPPY place. Laughing only allowed. Stop being mean to each other. I don't like it

Slattsy

I got a weird present last Christmas - a boomerang of all things. But i couldnt quite remember how to throw it.
Then suddenly, it came back to me.

tayto lover

A group of golfers spend weeks planning the perfect Golf trip to a hotel and golfcourse..
Two days before the group is to leave one wife puts her foot down and tells her husband he isn't going.
His friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later they get to the hotel only to find him sitting there with a pint.
"Jesus, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

dinneenp

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

And the best joke that I made up-
What's the difference between a sandwich and a panini sandwich?
About €2...

stefan idiot jones

What's pink, silver and red ?



A baby with forks in it's eyes.

corktina

NeVeR wrote: »

whats the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans?



a pair of jeans only has one fly on it!

what if the jeans are in Ethiopia OR what if an Ethiopian is wearing them OR a combination of the two.? I need to know

corktina

Each day as the schoolday is nearing it's end... the Teacher says that any kid who can answer a question right can go home a few minutes early.....

Little Johhny isn't too pleased with this as he never gets to answer a question, so he comes up with a plan..
.he takes a couple of his marbles and the steals the Teacher's whiteboard marker and colours them in, and then the next day when the teacher asks her question, he rolls them down the floor to the front off the class..

the teacher says "who's the joker with the black balls?"

"Lenny Henry, Miss, see you tomorrow"

Mr Tibbs

Remember to be kind to your children because they wil be the ones who will decide which home you will be going to.

--Kaiser--

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies:: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

wretcheddomain

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat c**t."

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Mod

This is a HAPPY place. Laughing only allowed. Stop being mean to each other. I don't like it

You've been reading that "Little Miss Sunshine" book again. :P

rolliepoley

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

rolliepoley

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

Hilly Bill

When I was a kid, mom would send me to the shop with 50p.
I could get, meat, milk, a comic, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans. Can't do that these days, ****in CCTV!!! .....

rolliepoley

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the ****ing drain is clogged again."

Capt'n Midnight

How do you drown a Hipster?

In the mainstream.






Obesity cases are on the rise according to new figures.

huge big ones.

rolliepoley

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

rolliepoley

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he ****s on you!!''

genuine leather

In an average day a man speaks 35,000 words and a women speaks 30,000.
Unfortunately, by the time i get home,i ve done my 35,000 and the missus hasnt even started on her 30,000.

stefan idiot jones

This guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting having a pint with a chimpanzee.
After a while the guy sparks up a conversation with him and asks him about the chimp.
The man goes on to say that the chimp gives the greatest blow jobs he has ever had but he has to sell the primate and asks the guy if he is interested ?
The guy asks how much is he selling the chimp for and is told two thousand euros.
He guy says he is interested but can he have a demonstration as it's a lot of money ?
The man obliges so the chimp and the guy dissappear to the toilets for quarter of an hour.
The guy comes out beaming and runs to the cashpoint and buys the chimp off the man.
After a few more pints, the guy takes the chimp home and shows off his new purchase to his wife.
She asks him 'what the hell am I supposed to do with this monkey' ?
The man replies 'teach it to cook, and fu@k off'.

666irishguy

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman get a job with National Geographic to go search for the source of the Amazon river. They are quickly outfitted and put on board an old propeller plane and flown to a rough airstrip in the Jungle next to the Amazon river. They decide to head up river and assume that surely they will find the source in no time. After about three weeks of searching, they are riddled with disease, hungry and dehydrated. They are close to death when through a clearing in the trees, one of them spots the smoke of a village. They head into the village to look for water but before they can communicate with anybody they are quickly surrounded at spear point by the fierce warriors that guard the village chief..

The warriors are about to skewer them, when the chief emerges from his hut and declares that they must be put before a village council. The three men are bound and led to the center of the village where the chief, his warriors and the elders have assembled. He quizzes the three explorers on what they are up to. They explain and the chief declares they are trespassing and have two choices. Be put to Death or endure Mambo and be set free.

He leans down and asks Paddy Scotsman what he wants 'I don't want to die, so I'll take Mambo and go free' says Paddy Scotsman. The chief turns around and says; 'Mambo for this guy'. Two warriors hold Paddy Scotsman down, pull down his trousers and shove a pineapple up his hole, then kick him in the arse and send him on his way. Next up is Paddy Irishman. 'I don't want to die either and anything is better than death, so I'll take the Mambo as well' says Paddy Irishman. The chief turns around and says; 'Mambo again'. Two warriors walk over, pull down Paddy Irishman's trousers and shove a Pineapple up his hole, kick him the arse and send him on his way. Finally it's Paddy Enlishman's turn. 'I will not subject my self to that indignity, death before dishonor, you'll have to to kill me, I chose death' declares Paddy Englishman. The chief turns around to his warriors points at Paddy Englishman and says; 'Death by Mambo'.

rolliepoley

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Wossack

last night this really fat woman got stuck in the doorway of the local italian restaurant

we couldnt get pasta

gosplan

What's orange and looks good on hipsters?

Fire.




What's the difference between rock guitar and jazz guitar?

A rock guitarist plays 3 chords to thousands of people.

Mr Tibbs

Enda Kenny died and went to hell. The devil was waiting there to greet him and said since you were a leader of your country I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in. Well Enda was surprised to hear there were different places in hell. The devil said of course there are what do you think I am.
So the two of them take a stroll and the devil opens a gate for Enda to see everybody standing waist deep in sh*t. No says Enda so on they go to the second gate to see everybody standing knee deep in sh*t. No says Enda thinking this is getting better. So to the third gate and the devil said this is your last choice your meant to suffer here you know. Well Enda was delighted to see everybody standing up to their shins in sh*t drinking tea and said to the devil I'll go in here. So in he goes and is given a cup of tea and sure the sh*t wasn't that deep he thought to himself I haven't done to bad here. As the devil was closing the gate he said right everybody tea break over back to standing on your heads.

Comer1

A guy is walking through the jungle when he enters a clearing and is surrounded by a group of very hostile looking natives bearing very pointy looking spears. "Oh God" he whispers "I'm fcuked."

Suddenly, the clouds open and a voice from Heaven says, "No you're not, pick up that big rock and kill the leader"

Our guy, quick as a flash, picks up the rock and beats the leader's brains in. He's standing there, over the leaders bloodied body, panting from his effort with the natives staring at him in shock.

"Now," says the voice from Heaven "now you're fcuked"

Mariasofia

How do you keep an idiot waiting around?



Ill tell you later

tayto lover

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did you do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

tayto lover

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

rolliepoley

My 6yo son was in the garden looking at a couple pf spiders, when he said dad, Is that a mummylongleg under that daddylongleg. I looked at him and said, No son there's only daddylonglegs. I was feeling rather impressed that he was asking such intelligent question. When I saw him stomp on the spIders yelling "THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT POOFTER **** GOING ON IN OUR GARDEN"

Capt'n Midnight

VULCANOLOGISTS. If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
Ken Turel, Glasgow


MCDONALDS. Double the amount of money your customers donate to children's charities by reducing the cost of your breakfast from £1.99 to £1.98.
Dave Saunders, Cricklewood


LADIES. A 'guide bat' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark.
G. Lineker, e-mail



BEFORE BRUSHING your teeth, eat something sweet, such as a piece of chocolate. That way you can be sure of getting good value for the toothpaste that you use.
John Twomey, Kilburn


SUDOKU LOVERS. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to http://sudoku.sourceforge.net/, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
T Wensleydale, Cheshire


ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
Sam McCrohan, Guildford


DRINK AS much as you like on Long haul flights and don't worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time difference will have taken care of that.
J. Walker, Hemel Hempstead


DON'T WASTE money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Fish Kid, e-mail



PUTTING your wife's perfume in the freezer for 2 hours, then drinking the separated alcohol makes explaining why you would do such a thing a whole lot easier.
Olly Sherman, e-mail



DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.
Christina Martin, e-mail



IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can 'feel' the question and stab you back the answers.
W. Walker, Norwich


TIGHT ARSED blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
David Bushell, e-mail


SHOPPERS. If what you wish to purchase is not in stock, inform the assistant that you've come all the way from Stanely on the No.2 bus. They will take pity on you and have your item materialize out of thin f***ing air.
Johnny, e-mail


MAKE YOUR own carrots by painting parsnips orange.
Der Schturmer, e-mail


JOURNALISTS for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you.
Douglas Castle, Beecormack


POTHOLERS. Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.
Ryan Lloyd, Rhyl



DIY ENTHUSIASTS. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals
J. O'Reilly, Stockport



SINGLE MEN. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh, e-mail


HOMEOWNERS. Put an ancient Egyptian type curse on all your property. then, if you are burgled and the police don't catch the culprit, you can rest assured they will die of a plague of boils or something.
P Nevitt, Springwell


DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.
Sergei Atkinsov, e-mail


WHEN REPLYING to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail