The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Feelgood

Not exactly a joke, but possibly the funniest thing I have read in the last few years, especially if you remember the old Ladybird books :D:D

Ladybird - The Policeman

BengaLover

Ok its more of a one liner.
Those LAdybird books eh, werent they great.. i just read the policeman one, brilliant!

Feelgood

BengaLover wrote: »

Ok its more of a one liner.
Those LAdybird books eh, werent they great.. i just read the policeman one, brilliant!

Benga, I have no idea what you are talking about.

You do know there is a link on my post to an old Ladybird book right?

Johro

Galway K9 wrote: »

What was that?

That's what I thought.

seanbmc

kickoutthejams wrote: »

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to cook?
The wheelchair.

Haha, excellent.

LionelNashe

Condi wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I don't get it?

Poor Uncle Tom

Example of psycological imagery imitating real life......

The main entrance to most every chapel is through the back door.....:p

yesno1234

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

JohnnyBananas

amacca wrote: »

sure its been posted already but if not


A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Old McDonald was dyslexic.
I E I O E

(oh shut up, it's funny).

JohnnyBananas

DarkJager wrote: »

A woman is on a beach one day when she sees Gary Glitter.

She turns to him and says "Excuse me but you're in my son".

Gary Glitter's get's home one evening and is confronted by his girlfriend.

Girlfriend: "What's all this in the papers about you being a paedophile???"

Gary: "Paedophile, that's a big word for a 12 year old"

JohnnyBananas

chin_grin wrote: »

Heard a different version of that joke (similar punchline).

What does Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson have in common?

One was the first man on the moon, the other (used to) f*ck little boys.

I heard this as:

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Snowman?

A Snowman's made of snow and Michael Jackson fcuks kids.

godscop

2 queer cowboys ........ yup yip :eek:

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know God was an engineer ?


Who else would put a toxic wastepipe through a recreational area.

Jagera

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, & that it's okay he know the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick knack Patty whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Mr. Presentable

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her dig the garden........

JerryHandbag

Japanese guy goes into a bank to change his money at foreign exchange. Hands in his lot, gets 1000 yen back. Goes in the following week, gives in same amount of money but only gets 900 yen back.

He says to the teller "Why I get less yen today?"

Teller says "Fluctuations"

Japanese guy roars out "Ya well FLUCK YOU EUROPEANS!!"

chillywilly

Suddenly there was a tap on the window....................That's a funny place for a tap!

Loopy

Secretary says to her boss, can I use your dictaphone?
No he says, you can use your finger like everyone else.

karma_

Two <insert desired nationality> are flying an RAF mission over Berlin during WW2. The Flak is getting fairly bad and the 2 lads begin to get worried, so the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "Lets do a 360 and get the fúck outta here!"

yuloni

This post has been deleted.

Rick Deckard

Condi wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Lad jumps out of his tanning bed when he hears a knock at the door.
Throwing on clothes he opens the door,

Chinese binman: Where yo bin?

Lad: On holidays in Spain.

Chinese binman: NO, WERE YO WEELIE BIN?!?

Lad: Ok, I use a tanning bed, now FúCK OFF!

mixed up

What do women have in common with public toilets?

There all dirty except the disabled ones

Poor Uncle Tom

How do we know God is impotent?

We're still waiting for the second coming...

bodhrandude

Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Highlander?

The Stones go "Hey you get off, of my cloud."
Whilst the Highlander bawls "McCloud get aff of that yew!"

RichieC

CorkMan wrote: »

*knock knock*

Occupant: Who's there?

Person: Barack Obama, you own a medium sized business yet have not paid your increased taxes. I'm fleecing you of everything you have, and you best be out of town before dawn.

Occupant: OKilly Doke. *slams door in face and runs up stairs*

*Obama chases*

Obama: Mam I know you are in the toilet, Please Open It.

Occupant: I am going for a crap.

Obama: OK Mam.

*occupant escapes out through the roof*

*Obama makes loves to her 70 year old husband when he comes home*

two questions.

What drugs are you on?

and

Can I have some?

Skerries

Whats better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Ice Cream!!!

Skerries

My girlfriend is an internet porn-star

she'll kill me when she finds out

NeedaNewName

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . .

. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.


The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.


Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires had had a marvellous dinner but it was time to head back home.



As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.
They listened as the alligator sang:

Are you ready?








Are you sure?








Here it comes....










"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

The Davestator

Skerries wrote: »

Whats better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Ice Cream!!!

Whats better than winning gold in the paralympics?

Having arms and legs.

bodhrandude

Why do women have two holes

So you can carry them home like a six pack

Joe10000

What's the story with the spoiler things above ????

MitchKoobski

Heard multiple versions of this one, heres the latest.

Man is at the Superbowl and looking around for his seat, when he spots an old man sitting on his own, 5 rows from the front with an empty seat next to him! He can't believe that someone would be missing out on such a great seat, so he walks over and asks
Man: "Wow! How did you get such great seats like this?"
The old man smiles and offers him the seat and replies
Old man: "Well a while back my wife and I were such big fans we decided we'd make the superbowl this year. Us two and the families as well!"
Man: "And where is your wife now?"
The old man got a sad look on his face.
Old man: "Well she passed away just a short while ago, so I said I'd go anyway and not waste the tickets!"
Man: "Ah I see. But where are your family?"
Old man:

"Oh they're at the funeral."

MitchKoobski

Joe10000 wrote: »

What's the story with the spoiler things above ????

Spoiler tag generally helps prevent you reading the punchline before the set-up?

one-angry-dwarf

I bought 2 litres of Tip-ex the other day.

Big mistake.

Fozzydog3

Two soviet soldiers are out on the streets enforcing the curfew.

they see a civilian walking the streets on his own , so one soldier aims his rifle and shoots the civilian

the other soldier asks "why did you shoot him? the curfew isnt on yet."

the first soldier goes "ah hes my next door neighbour he'd never make it on time"

DalkeyRose

What's the difference between an egg & a w*nk?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a w*nk!

Gibs

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

I Love Cheese

Frankie Boyles joke about Richard Hammond, even if I think of it, it still brings a smile to my face:D

Bog

one-angry-dwarf wrote: »

I bought 2 litres of Tip-ex the other day.

Big mistake.

If you'd stolen it would you have been sent to a correctional facility?

cullen5998

What do you call a witch on a beach?

Spoiler :

A sandwitch

Agonist

cullen5998 wrote: »

What do you call a witch on a beach?

Spoiler :

A sandwitch

No need to bring a picnic to the beach. Just eat the sand which is there

admiralofthefleet

what do you call a lesbian on top of a lesbian


a cunt acting the bollox

Dolph Starbeam

I got a new step ladder last week

My real ladder left when i was a child

Rick Deckard

MOG7 wrote: »

I got a new step ladder last week

My real ladder left when i was a child

only heard this the other day as;

got a new step ladder last week, but it's not my real ladder, so can't tell me what to do!



(yours is funnier)

Logfire

One blonde shouts across a river to another blonde "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

Second blonde replies "You are already on the other side!"

Best joke I ever heard???


Fianna Fail!!

briscotti

:rolleyes:

briscotti

does this rag smell like chloroform to you?















:pac:

strobe

Why are the other numbers afraid of 7?

Because he is a convicted rapist.

Rawhead

Black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head,

Barman says "where did you get that thing?"
















Parrot says "back in Africa, we got millions of them"