The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long ****ing staircase!"
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low ****ing handrail thats killing me."

rolliepoley

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

rolliepoley

A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there. So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc.
I just got stoned with my pal the monkey.
Really said the croc, where is he I want some.
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said holy **** how much did you drink little buddy.

Curly Judge

Col. Rt. Honourable Wordington-Smythe was giving an account at the Explorer's Club in London of a particularly arduous trip he had completed with his wife Cynthia.

"Firstly we were hacking our way through the dense jungle of the Niger delta.
Every yard was hard fought and involved almost continuous use of our machetes.
The flies and the heat were almost unbearable and we had to spend hours each night pulling leaches off our bodies.
I didn't mind so much because I had been with the Chindits in Burma for part of the Second World War.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!".

Eventually they reached the edge of the jungle and entered a desert region where, after walking for days, their water ran out.
"The sun was beating down on our backs. Our tongues were swollen so we could hardly breath and our legs and knees began to pain us so that each step was agony.
I didn't mind so much because I had served with the Long Range Desert Group in North Africa for part of the war.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

After walking for what seemed an eternity they entered a savannah type region where they were suddenly surrounded by a tribe of savages.
"They lashed us across two giant logs and buggered us both repeatedly.
I didn't mind so much ...because I had been to Eton, but...it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

Busted Flat.

Curly Judge wrote: »

Col. Rt. Honourable Wordington-Smythe was giving an account at the Explorer's Club in London of a particularly arduous trip he had completed with his wife Cynthia.

"Firstly we were hacking our way through the dense jungle of the Niger delta.
Every yard was hard fought and involved almost continuous use of our machetes.
The flies and the heat were almost unbearable and we had to spend hours each night pulling leaches off our bodies.
I didn't mind so much because I had been with the Chindits in Burma for part of the Second World War.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!".

Eventually they reached the edge of the jungle and entered a desert region where, after walking for days, their water ran out.
"The sun was beating down on our backs. Our tongues were swollen so we could hardly breath and our legs and knees began to pain us so that each step was agony.
I didn't mind so much because I had served with the Long Range Desert Group in North Africa for part of the war.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

After walking for what seemed an eternity they entered a savannah type region where they were suddenly surrounded by a tribe of savages.
"They lashed us across two giant logs and buggered us both repeatedly.
I didn't mind so much ...because I had been to Eton, but...it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

Nice one.

rolliepoley

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Simon, I want you to take off my blouse!"

"Good.."

"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."

"Good..."

"Now can you take off my panties."

"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

nails1

This girl text me last night, she said come on over theres no one home, i went on over there was no home

--Kaiser--

nails1 wrote: »

This girl text me last night, she said come on over theres no one home, i went on over there was no home

Good ole Rodney Dangerfield


I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

WilyCoyote

Issac wrote: »

There was a young man from Rathmines
that made up limericks that were only two lines
.

He was caught giving head
To a chef that was dead
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme.

everlast75

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Few people know that unfortunately this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

mb1725

everlast75 wrote: »

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Few people know that unfortunately this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Send that to Brush Shiels!

tayto lover

One of the funniest men of all time --


Tommy Cooper One Liners

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said
What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said
'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing
towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the
road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.
'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The
Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do
something religious'. So I took up a collection.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for,
Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to
follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said:
'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't
worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We
don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is
Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked
again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she
said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house
that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said
'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't
find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the
cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'.
The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have
the one'.

He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I
should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said,
'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to
do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old
nephew, and I fell off. '

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other
one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I
said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My
dog's died.''

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said
to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.''

tayto lover

Forgot this one -

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

rolliepoley

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

jimgoose

A Russian, a German and an Irishman are sitting in a pub sipping ale. The conversation turns to the best drinks in the world.

"The best drink", says the Russian, "is of course Vodka. Everyone in Russia drinks vodka - it keeps us warm in the Russian cold. Vodka!"

"Scheisser!", exclaims the German. "Ze best drink in ze VORLD is of course Beer! EVERYBODY drinks beer! <strident> Beer Uber Alles!".

"Ye are, of course, both wrong." says Paddy. "The best drink in the known Universe is in fact Irish Whiskey."

"Explain, please?", bark the two boys.

"Well, take last Saturday night - the wife and meself drank a bottle of Jameson between us. Then the two of us got up the next morning and went to 8am Mass!"

"And what is so impressive about that?"

"We're Jewish!"

loremolis

tayto lover wrote: »

Forgot this one -

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

your not you're

loremolis

loremolis wrote: »

your not you're

It's a pun on both

Capt'n Midnight

My dyslexic mate has recently become a conspiracy theorist.

He's convinced that the world is run by the Build-A-Bear Group.

locum-motion

tayto lover wrote: »

...“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

loremolis wrote: »

your not you're

bluewolf wrote: »

It's a pun on both

Some jokes only work when spoken!

kfallon

If Michael Douglas really did say that giving oral sex gave him cancer then he's gone down a lot in my estimation....

Mariasofia

When I was younger I used to pray to God for a new bike. Then I realised that God doesn't work that way....




So I stole one and asked for forgiveness instead!

Mr Tibbs

A girl goes to the doctor and tells him that she has three fanny's, so the doctor tells her to remove her underwear and lie up on the couch. He gives her a thorough examination and goes over to his medical cabinet and comes back with a roll of duck tape telling her that he is going to tape up two of her fanny's. Will that cure me doc asks the girl. No says the doctor but it will stop you from being f*cked lelt right and centre.

Capt'n Midnight

It was the wife's birthday today, but the present I bought her only made her sad.

It was a hula hoop.

And it fits.

rolliepoley

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."


The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."


The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.


The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."


The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"


He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."


The man at the door says, "Come on in."


The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.


Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."


The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"


The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians ?

A drummer.




How do you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.




How do you know when if there's a drummer at the door?

The knocking speeds up.




Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

He had to break a window to get the drummer out!




What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?

Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.




How do you get a drummer to leave your house ?

Pay for the pizza!




How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.




What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.




Why are drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.





What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.




How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.




What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.




What's the difference between a government bond and a drummer ?

Government bonds will probably mature and earn money.




We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but then he lost one and became a conductor.



What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

You only have to punch the instructions into a drum machine once.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians ?

A drummer.




How do you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.




How do you know when if there's a drummer at the door?

The knocking speeds up.




Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

He had to break a window to get the drummer out!




What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?

Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.




How do you get a drummer to leave your house ?

Pay for the pizza!




How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.




What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.




Why are drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.





What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.




How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.




What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.




What's the difference between a government bond and a drummer ?

Government bonds will probably mature and earn money.




We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but then he lost one and became a conductor.



What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

You only have to punch the instructions into a drum machine once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

locum-motion

Deleted User wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

Ba-dum-tish!

what

Czarcasm

bluewolf wrote: »

what

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was riding the wife last night when she started complaining that I was hurting her so we changed position. Well I said how's that and she said that's grand it's in differerently

How does that work for you now bluey?

Terrible, I know

Mate of mine went to see the new Batman film before I could. We'd had a falling out so he turned around to me and said "You bastard, I'll get you for that, here's something you don't want to hear about the batman film. You know, Batman...." I shouted at him to stop, me hating spoilers more than death. I plugged my ears and started lalalaing. He tackled me, pinned me to the ground, leant to my ear and said:

































Batman was Bruce Wayne all along.

rolliepoley

A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband said "Put MYPENIS in."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...














"Error. Not long enough."

rolliepoley

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

rolliepoley

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Aidric

From the brilliant Police Squad:

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And...I'm a locksmith.

rolliepoley

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Mariasofia

My brother has taken really badly to being sent to jail tonight. He is refusing all food and drinks and is spitting and swearing at anyone who goes near him.



I am never playing monopoly with him again!

TheLastMohican

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. But first of all a test. They were lined up in the nude and a sensitive bell was attached to the tip of each knob. They were told that shortly a naked belly dancer would come whirling out. Any fellow to get a hard on would not be allowed to take his final vows as he hadn't reached the sublime level of piety/purity that was required. Well, she dances in front of the first one ...... no reaction. She went down the line and no reaction 'til she got to the last ..... his name was Fabio ...... bell went haywire and flew of the end of his knob, clattering on the patio. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent down to pick it up. Then, all the other bells started ringing.

iMac_Hunt

Repost from a few days ago. My bad.

mb1725

err.... http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=84953992&postcount=3980

FanadMan

A local paper is running a competition for the best pun. A guy submitted 10 entries hoping that one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in 10 did!

FanadMan

A blond In a Church......An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared

Bluestrike

Some people may find this joke offensive and i know it is AH but still...

My gay brother was recently diagnosed with AIDs
What a bummer

rolliepoley

500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat,
ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to
find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the
word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.
They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win
and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to
observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into
view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"
ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in
a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"

WilyCoyote

rolliepoley wrote: »

500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat,
ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to
find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the
word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.
They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win
and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to
observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into
view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"
ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in
a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

Busted Flat.

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

It was a cold night.

dickwod1

Two dyslexic heating engineers are working on a job
One turns to the other and says "Can you smell gas?"
The other one turns around and says back "Are you serious? I cant even smell me own name!"

Mr Tibbs

A farmer had his young nephew from Dublin staying with him for a few days to give him a break from the city and keep him out of trouble. He had a few neighbours over for dinner one evening when the young lad ran in saying Uncle Mick come quickly the bull is f*cking a cow. Very embarassed he took the lad outside and said to him not to use such crude language like that again in company. You should have been more polite and said the bull was surprising the cow and with that the young lad ran off up the yard. About an hour passed when he ran back in again saying Uncle Mick come quickly the bull is surprising the cows. Everybody laughed at the innocence of the lad when his uncle said no son that's not possible a bull can only surprise one cow at a time. Your wrong uncle all the cows are surprised because he's f*cking a horse.

Mr Tibbs

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

Fire burns but Frost also Burns

Hownowcow

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

The road less travelled by.

CarrickMcJoe

Woman pulls down her pants one day and suddenly her fanny starts whistling 'Danny Boy'. Totally shocked by this, she shows her shows her friend who urges her to go see her doctor.
She enters the surgery, goes straight behind the curtain and strips off, and the fanny starts into 'Danny Boy' as sweet as a blackbird.

"Now Doctor, what do you thiink that is ?" she asks.

Doctor replies "Sounds like some cvnt whistling"!