The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Aphex

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I knew it,I just knew someone would spot my mistook.:mad:

We are here for you bro

Hagar the Nice.

Ilik Urgee wrote: »

I thanked the bloody thing to show support!!!:eek::pac:

Think that's bad,I nearly got banned on another website cos there were loads of people going "So sorry for your loss mate. RIP"
Then when someone told them the joke they were like "You bar steward,if I knew where you lived I'd boot your balls."
Thankfully though,most folk saw the funny side of the story.
P.S. I live on the Copland Rd,Glasgow.

coolhull

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

.
P.S. I live on the Copland Rd,Glasgow.

What number is your house?
I don't want to shoot the wrong man!

IK09

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Sorry folks but I had a phone call early this morning that my best mate Gav died during the night so I'll be away from here for a few days,I can't believe big Gav is gone.
R.I.P. BIG GAV.

FFS, and for the last 20mins here was me thinking, poor BigGav's family, i wonder was it sudden, just goes to show you can go at anytime.

Nice one Hagar, nice one.

--Kaiser--

Bipolar Joe wrote: »

Don't get it.

Like many jokes in here, it was told badly. Here's a better way (this one probably works better spoken rather than written)

Just found out my mate has overdosed on indigestion medicine.
I can't believe it ... Gav is gone

Hagar the Nice.

coolhull wrote: »

What number is your house?
I don't want to shoot the wrong man!

1,690 Copland Rd.:)

rolliepoley

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

rolliepoley

Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
























A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.

Padkir

There was a male deciduous tree who started going out with a female coniferous tree. Everything was going ok but the female had a tendency to be a bit of worrier and go off the rails the odd time with this worry.

Anyway, one evening the deciduous tree came home a little late from work to find his girlfriend crying and screaming about him being out late and how he obviously didn't want to be with her.

He replied that he was only a little late, that he had been at work and she had nothing to worry about. To which she replied: "It's not your fault, but no matter what I do I know you're going to leave!"

rolliepoley

Murphy, O’Shea & Mullligan go for a job on a building site, but have been told beforehand that the foreman dislikes the Irish. Murphy suggest to the other two that they give English sounding names.O’Shea goes in first to the interview and the foreman asks him his name,O'Shea looks out window and sees a Woolworth store. My name is F W Woolworth, get out shouts the foreman. Mulligan goes in same question he looks out the window and sees a shoe shop, my name is Freeman Hardy Willis, get out shouts the foreman. Murphy is last in and the exasperated foreman asks what’s your name, Murphy has a good look out of the window and replies Ken, thank Christ for that says the foreman, Ken who? Tuckey Fried Chicken says Murphy.

rolliepoley

An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

oranbhoy67

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

1,690 Copland Rd.:)[/QUOTE


Zombie heights?

Hagar the Nice.

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died. After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport. "You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!" The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?" "Because I have ****e running up my neck!!"

Hagar the Nice.

oranbhoy67 wrote: »

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

1,690 Copland Rd.:)[/QUOTE


Zombie heights?

Zombies can't climb.:)
Psst,I was born green and I'll die green.

rolliepoley

Two Irishmen move from Dublin to London to make their fortune. When they get there they decide to split living costs. Paddy pays the rent and Seamus buys the food.

The first day in their new flat Paddy comes home after work and says to Seamus " I paid the landlord. Did ye get the food Seamus. Seamus replies "Sure I did Paddy. Its in the fridge." Dats great " says Paddy, "Oim starvin" So he opens the fridge and there's about 50 bottles of Guiness in there. Then he sees at the bottom corner just half a loaf of stale bread.

"Are we having some kind of house warmin tonight" says Paddy. " No, sure we're not" says Seamus.

"Then what's all the bread for"

Hagar the Nice.

Just rammed an ice lolly up my bum.

It was fab.:)

Hagar the Nice.

Paddy was lying in bed facing his wife, he looks into her eyes and says, "Looking at your face reminds me of the Lottery."
She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?"
He says "No, I wish you'd effin roll over!"

Kerry Gooner

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Just rammed an ice lolly up my bum.

It was fab.:)

You can't beat a chilly willy

rolliepoley

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Hagar the Nice.

Kerry Gooner wrote: »

You can't beat a chilly willy

True story (honest).
Remember the awful weather we had during January 2011,well it's 3 a.m. in the morning and I looks out the window to see if it was still snowing,wife is shuffling about and I said to her "It's snowing again Cathy," to which she replied,"I'm not bloody snoring."
Women,where would we be without them.:)

Hagar the Nice.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

One student ,Michael, said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

`What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

rolliepoley

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

M5

This enormous lassie came up to me at the bar last night, she said:

"You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently, but we used to go out years ago."

"Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix" I said.

"Because I'm the one?" she cooed.

"Nah" I replied, "I dodged a ****ing bullet."

TheChevron

ESPN Classic is shutting down today.

My thoughts are with all Liverpool fans at this difficult time.

--Kaiser--

TheChevron wrote: »

ESPN Classic is shutting down today.

My thoughts are with all Liverpool fans at this difficult time.

Another variation:

What do Man United fans watch? MUTV
What do Chelsea fans watch? Chelsea TV
What do Liverpool fans watch? The History Channel

Hitchens

Woman visits her doctor:

Woman - "doctor, this is a bit embarrassing for me, but my husband and I have started having anal sex and we're wondering can it do any harm?"

Doctor - "no, as long as you both enjoy it you'll be fine, just be careful not to get pregnant"!

Woman - "but doctor, a woman can't get pregnant from anal sex, can she?"

Doctor - "of course she can.............where do you think Man Utd supporters come from?"

:P

rolliepoley

It's so difficult to win at Anfield, even Liverpool can't win there.

:P

barone

there are footie threads

Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."

D_murph

A bloke went in to a sex shop and bought a blow up doll. He returned to the shop wanting a refund.
He told the shop manager, "It keeps going down on me".
The manager replied, "If I'd known that I would have charged you double price".

Capt'n Midnight

We call our four children Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha and Kawasaki.

They're quads.

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."

And where exactly are these women.;)

stefan idiot jones

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

And where exactly are these women.;)

The Galway Races.

Hagar the Nice.

So we've reached page 300 and still no sign of that ferocious warrior Gerard Butler,I always knew he was a big Jessie.


Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

The Galway Races.

Are they as lovely as Galway itself?

jarvis

What do you call a monkey terrorist?



A BABOOM!!!!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole Don'tlet him do that! she screamed, Its disgusting. Thats your opinion' i said. This is his second jar , he absolutely loves the stuff.

Hagar the Nice.

David Cameron the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Scotland. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
David, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks “is this a mental ward?”







"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

Hagar the Nice.

Dear all, I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Hagar the Nice.

Chap goes into the doctors and tells him "every time i sneeze Doc , i have an orgasm. Spunk my pants every time"
The doctor says "have you been taking anything for it ?"
He says "aye, pepper !"

Peregrine

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

Dartz

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

I got banned for moving the Bibles to 'Fiction'

Bannerman7

A Kerryman told his friend that he codded CIE ?

How says the friend.


I bought a return ticket &...................... I'm not going back:D

CobraClan

Did you hear their knocking the Rotunda Hospital down?
Cause its full of cracks!

Hagar the Nice.

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

You barsteward,my coffee is all over my morning paper.:(

Peregrine

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to fuck us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

You barsteward,my coffee is all over my morning paper.:(

Glad to be of service :cool:

WilyCoyote

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

David Cameron the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Scotland. ............................
.........................................................................................
........................................................................................
......................................"

Hagar the Nice - great joke. Here is the full unabridged version. Not trying to take the wind out of your sail but a bit of padding improves the ambience IMO.

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!


Aboon them a' ye tak your place,


Painch, tripe, or thairm:


Weel are ye wordy of a grace


As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.

Some cannae eat that want it:


But we hae meat and we can eat,


Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!


Thou need na start awa sae hasty,


Wi bickering brattle!


I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,


Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

jimgoose

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Hagar the Nice - great joke. Here is the full unabridged version. Not trying to take the wind out of your sail but a bit of padding improves the ambience IMO.

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!


Aboon them a' ye tak your place,


Painch, tripe, or thairm:


Weel are ye wordy of a grace


As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.

Some cannae eat that want it:


But we hae meat and we can eat,


Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!


Thou need na start awa sae hasty,


Wi bickering brattle!


I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,


Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

Oh Cheeses... :pac::pac::pac:

Hitchens

Murphy emigrated to Canada and he went for an interview for a job as a lumberjack:

Interviewer - "you say you have a lot of experience, where did you serve your time?"

Murphy - "in the Sahara Forest"

Interviewer - "you mean the Sahara Desert?"

Murphy - "well that's what they call it now!" :pac:

CobraClan

A Kerry man catches his son sniffing cocaine and says to him, if I catch you doing that again, I'll rub your f...ing nose in it!