The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

eamonnq

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I took a shower this morning.
The only problem I had was getting it out the door of Woodies without being noticed.

Shoplifting, always hilarious.

Lol2013

WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL????

1) After keeping ur virginity for more than 25yrs and getting raped one week to ur wedding

2) Work hard for the whole month and go to ATM and be robbed.

3) You are sitting next to your crush in class. your chair makes a farting noise and you cant make the noise again to prove you didnt fart.

4) studying for 7yrs at University then stay at home for 10yrs unemployed.

5) During Ur first date, the drink U are drinking enters Ur windpipe and U start coughing non
stop…Red eye…

Allyall

Lol2013 wrote: »

WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL????

1) After keeping ur virginity for more than 25yrs and getting raped one week to ur wedding

2) Work hard for the whole month and go to ATM and be robbed.

3) You are sitting next to your crush in class. your chair makes a farting noise and you cant make the noise again to prove you didnt fart.

4) studying for 7yrs at University then stay at home for 10yrs unemployed.

6) During Ur first date, the drink U are drinking enters Ur windpipe and U start coughing non
stop…Red eye…

7) Reading the above.

_Whimsical_

There's no point trying to explain irony to a kleptomaniac...
They take everything literally.

--Kaiser--

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Domestic abuse, always hilarious

Not as funny as holocaust jokes though.

podgemonster

LittleNipper wrote: »

Not as funny as holocaust jokes though.

Holocost jokes are repulsive, anne frankly I won't stand for them!

Lol2013

Marketing 101

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party.You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich.Marry him!” – That’s Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can I marry you?” - That’s Brand Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband.- That’s Demand and Supply Gap

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and before you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. – That’s Barriers to Entry into New Markets

Capt'n Midnight

Last night, my wife made what passes in our relationship these days for a romantic meal.

It was just bangers and mash, but she didn't spit on it.






I saw this man smoking whist on duty and he was break dancing on company time.

I can remember when ESB workers took pride in their job.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for a clue.
The dad said, "Well, it's what mummy calls me sometimes."


The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it !


It's an arse hole!

frag420

Lol2013 wrote: »

WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL????

1) After keeping ur virginity for more than 25yrs and getting raped one week to ur wedding

2) Work hard for the whole month and go to ATM and be robbed.

3) You are sitting next to your crush in class. your chair makes a farting noise and you cant make the noise again to prove you didnt fart.

4) studying for 7yrs at University then stay at home for 10yrs unemployed.

5) During Ur first date, the drink U are drinking enters Ur windpipe and U start coughing non
stop…Red eye…

F*ck of Alanis!!

Slick50

Lol2013 wrote: »

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

If he worked for the ESRI it would have taken at least three "forecasts" to get that right.


Sadly that's not a joke!

Capt'n Midnight

If you laid all the worlds economists end to end they wouldn't even reach a conclusion.

Roger_007

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

If you laid all the worlds economists end to end they wouldn't even reach a conclusion.

If you laid all the women in Ireland end to end, you would one tired dude.:D

rolliepoley

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

rolliepoley

Bob Hope once remarked about the mini skirt, that if skirts got any shorter that girls would have two more cheeks to powder and another head of hair to comb!

rolliepoley

A guy asks the waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there`s nothing special, we just flat out tell 'them they're gonna die.

EoghanIRL

How do you tell if there is two elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

Capt'n Midnight

Early on in my military career, way back when I was a PFC, my Battalion would occasionally have “Fun Runs”. A Fun Run is just like running for several miles. Except that it’s fun. Because people that outrank you say so.

This is pretty much the Army equivalent to declaring “Our office is so much fun! On Friday we get to wear Hawaiian shirts!” It’s awesome if you happen to love Hawaiian shirts, but just kinda sucks if you have taste.

One of the features of the Fun Run was that afterward the Battalion would gather together and hold a pie auction. The point of the pie auction was that if you bought a pie, you could pick any soldier who was present, and hit them with the pie. So as you can imagine, an awful lot of repressed rage got transferred into pie kinetics after these runs. The important thing to know here is that by tradition, the first pie always got thrown at the Battalion Commander.

This whole exercise was to raise money for the Battalion Family Support Group. In theory, this was an organization that would help the families of deployed soldiers manage during the long separations that military life often inflicts. But in reality, FSG was more like a cross between the homeowners association from a sit-com, and a social club for unemployable wives of military officers. And when I say social club, imagine the kind that gets taken down a peg by a scrappy band of misfits in an 80’s comedy movie.

To sum this up: the Family Support Group was not very popular with most of the soldiers.

The night before one of these delightful Fun Runs, I received special instructions.

“Bring in a pie for the auction.”

I’m not sure how much the pay has gone up, but back in those days if a Private First Class had a child he automatically qualified for food stamps. So I didn’t have much money. And most of what I did have was generally earmarked for important things, like strippers and alcohol, and more strippers.

A pie doesn’t cost that much I guess. But it was the principle that bothered me. The Army has billions of dollars and I have barely any. And now they want me to buy stuff for them.

Now technically, it wasn’t an order. It would be against regulations for my supervisor to *order* me to spend my own money on the Family Support Group. It was just, technically, a suggestion. And it’s just peachy to make suggestions. And if soldiers choose not to follow the suggestions, well, someone has to be assigned to that toilet cleaning detail.

So that night, I went out and I bought a premade pie crust. And a tub of Cool Whip. And then I stopped by a Korean grocery store and purchased a whole, frozen squid. And sprinkles.

I got back to the barracks, and started the preparations for the morning. Which pretty much just means I started thawing the squid in a shower stall. My roommate was a bit surprised when he got back.

“Is that a squid in our shower?”
“Yep.”
“What’s it doing in there.”
“Thawing.”
“Goodnight.”

The next morning I packed it all in a cooler, and set out for the Fun Run. After about three miles of fun the Battalion gathered for the auction. I quickly assembled the secret weapon, and added it to the pie table. I then notified the auctioneer about my special pie. Of course she selected my pie for the first auction.

The bidding started fairly briskly, as many people wanted to hit our Commander with a pie. But soon enough bidding started to peter out, and that’s when the auctioneer let everyone in on the secret.
“This is a special pie.”
“What’s so special about it?” called someone in the crowd.
“It’s a squid pie.”
“I beg your pardon?” said the Commander
“I said it’s a squid pie sir.”
“There’s no such thing.”

So she reached in, pulled out a tentacle, and waved at the Commander with it.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” asked the Commander with, all things considered, a reasonable tone of voice.
“It’s a tentacle sir.”
“PIE DOESN’T HAVE TENTACLES!”
“Normally you’d be correct. But this is a squid pie sir.”

And the bidding immediately picked up again. My pie raised close to five hundred dollars, which was a new record for the pie auction. I didn’t get into any trouble because nobody wanted to look like a bad sport. And I got to watch my CO take a high velocity mollusk to the kisser, which is a good morning no matter what branch of the military you are in.


http://skippyslist.com/2007/07/09/cephalopod-surprise/

Daveysil15

Roger_007 wrote: »

If you laid all the women in Ireland end to end, you would one tired dude.:D

If you laid all the women in China end to end you'd be bolloxed.

EoghanIRL

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

EoghanIRL

Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because they would look funny with glove compartments.

rolliepoley

Here i am on a sunday afternoon sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

rolliepoley

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

yellowlabrador

Where do you weigh a pie




somewhere over the rainbow

rolliepoley

At a session with their marriage counselor, the wife snaps at her husband “That’s not true! I do so enjoy sex!” Then, turning to the counselor, she explains “But this animal expects it four or five times a year!”

rolliepoley

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
Reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
Have raised,

The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
Other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and Stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
Wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have Completed your assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and Exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

rolliepoley

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

That sounds just like my wife..........:mad:






















Hunnybunch,if by chance you happen to read this,I'm only joking,mwwwaaahhhhhhh.:rolleyes:

J Cheever Loophole

I am pie wrote: »

I would prefer to have a concrete slab smashed over the top of my head than hear or read this joke ever again.

Try and stand still - we'll see what arrangements we can make this end.

Hagar the Nice.

I was at Celtic Pk for the Stan Petrov charity match today and before the game had started I was desperate to check out the new Wi-Fi that was put in at the ground a few weeks ago,so I asked a lass sitting next to me if she knew the password,no luck,so I started typing in,I tried celtic1888, then celtic1967,then celticfc1888,then celtic125,then henrik6-2,then hailhail,then lennythelion,then henrik7,then I realised the game had ended.:mad:

Kippure

Getting marriage advice off a priest, is like getting driving lessons of a blind person.....pointless!

madness98

I was lucky enough to own a charming little book called 'The Male of a Cow'. It was filled with charming little jokes and rhyms, all stemming from Irish culture.

The title is from the joke in the book where Billy asks Paddy 'what the male of a cow is', and Paddy replies with 'Grass'.

My favourite little thing from this book wasn't a direct joke but a little rhyme:

Here lies Richard Burke,
A decent man entirely.
We bought this tombstone second hand,
his name isn't Burke its Riley.

madness98

I was lucky enough to own a charming little book called 'The Male of a Cow'. It was filled with charming little jokes and rhyms, all stemming from Irish culture.

The title is from the joke in the book where Billy asks Paddy 'what the male of a cow is', and Paddy replies with 'Grass'.

My favourite little thing from this book wasn't a direct joke but a little rhyme:

Here lies Richard Burke,
A decent man entirely.
We bought this tombstone second hand,
his name isn't Burke its Riley.

Wossack

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..."

donegal__road

.

Mouth of the South

An American Jew (AJ) and and a Chinese-American (CA) are sitting in a bar and get talking about their backgrounds.

AJ : Ye know, I gotta say I actually don't like you guys for what you done in the war. Ye know, for bombing Pearl Harbour and that and startin' the war.
CA : Waddya talkin' about? That was the Japanese, not the Chinese.
AJ: Ah Japanese, Chinese, same thing.
CA : Well I gotta say I don't like you Jews for what you did with the Titanic, sinking the ship and drowning all those people.
AJ : Waddya talkin' about? That was an iceberg.
CA : Ah iceberg, Goldberg, same thing.

eamonnq

donegal__road wrote: »

.

Where did you HEAR that one ??:P

rolliepoley

Apparently David Moyes has phoned the Police tonight..

He claims that he's been the victim of a Fellaini.

I am pie

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

Try and stand still - we'll see what arrangements we can make this end.

You´d be better off looking up the word "Joke" in the dictionary.

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it
and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ
hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.




However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last
of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-
lo and behold!- there sat Russ!




Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world
happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'







'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich
and she filed rape charges against me and,
at 89 years old, I was so proud
that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.


'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

bnt

Not exactly a joke, but a hilarious true story: Dogs In Elk. You should read the whole thing, but here's an extract:

Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1318 of 1332) Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.
...
Linda Hewitt - 02:30pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1336 of 1356)
Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come
pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If
anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some
money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.
...
Anne V - 02:44pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1339 of 1356)
I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says
a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no,
there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to
stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost
surrendered to the absurdity of it.

Lori Shiraishi - 02:49pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1340 of 1356)
"He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he can
fall down laughing in person?

Anne V - 02:50pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1341 of 1356)
Basically, yeah. That would be about it.

MadsL

bnt wrote: »

Not exactly a joke, but a hilarious true story: Dogs In Elk. You should read the whole thing, but here's an extract:

Lol, this happened in the state I live in. We have had plagues of moths, bees, scorpions so far, why not elk.

steddyeddy

"Before you go, can you toss another load into the washing machine," called my girlfriend.

"You kinky bitch" I thought, unzipping my flies.

rolliepoley

A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks "Are you the Fish Fryer?" To which the man replies, "No, I'm the Chip Monk".

bodhrandude

How did the Germans bomb Nice?

They poured hot tea all over the place.

EoghanIRL

bodhrandude wrote: »

How did the Germans bomb Nice?

They poured hot tea all over the place.

That must have made them führious.

EoghanIRL

What do you call a man with a shovel through his head ?
















An ambulance

rolliepoley

What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?


























Spitting out the wheelchairs.

rolliepoley

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".