The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MadsL

rolliepoley wrote: »

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

And Mick, the head of Beamish says "Don't listen to Paddy, sure his name is Ivan and he was born in India."

komodosp

Heard this a long time ago, I might have even posted in these fora before, but it's still my favourite.

Two Australians were high up on a scaffolding on a building site, when one felt the urge to urinate
"Bloddy hell, I gotta piss, but I can't be arsed climbin' all the way down to the portaloo!"
His colleague replied
"Naah don't bother mate, just walk out to the end of that plank and piss off the soide! Oi'll stand on this end of the plank to weigh it down".
So the builder walked out over the edge of a scaffolding on a plank of wood while his friend stood on the other end to keep it balanced on the side of the scaffolding.

Just then the lunch bell rang and the friend, forgetting that he was weighing down the plank walked off and the builder urinating off the side of the scaffolding plummeted to his death.

A few months later, three men of varying nationality were sitting in a bar discussing how much their countrymen chased women.

"I say", said the Englishman, "we English have been known to miss a game of footy for a bird"

"Zat is nossing!", said the Frenchman, "we French chase ze women wiss zest, and give zem ze gifts of love!"

"That's nothin'", said the Australian, "I was walkin' down the street a couple of months ago, with two gorgeous sheilas, when this bloke comes fallin' out of the sky with his dick in his hand shouting ....

CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNT!!!

MadsL

Judge: You have been found guilty of murdering your wife with a hammer.
Man in gallery: BASTARD!
Judge: You have been found guilty of murdering your mother in law with a hammer.
Man in gallery: BASTARD!
Judge: Silence in Court!!
Man in gallery: Sorry your honour but he's my neighbour and everytime I called over to see if I could borrow a hammer he told me he didn't have one!

gramar

EoghanIRL wrote: »

What do you call a man with a shovel through his head ?


An ambulance

I thought it was Doug.

--Kaiser--

gramar wrote: »

I thought it was Doug.

What do you call a man with no shovel in his head?

Dougless
:pac:

corktina

man with two shovels in his head goes to A&E and the surgeon muses, "which will we take out first?" "take your pick" says Paddy...confusing isn't it!

gramar

corktina wrote: »

man with two shovels in his head goes to A&E and the surgeon muses, "which will we take out first?" "take your pick" says Paddy...confusing isn't it!

Paddy also told him to be careful and not to do a hatchet job and for forks sake don't give him a rake of stitches.

longhalloween

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

What do you call a man with no shovel in his head?

Dougless
:pac:

Douglas?

What do you all a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

5live

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

What do you call a girl with both legs the same length?

Noeleen.

corktina

ok so.....what do you call a deer with no eyes?



no idea...

Capt'n Midnight

what do you call a dead dear with no eyes ?



still no idea

Lol2013

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Darn!", but a bad skydiver goes "Darn!" *WHACK!*

Mr. CooL ICE

Stevie Wonder was playing a show in Japan. After playing a few songs, he then asked the audience for requests.

One man stood up and shouted "play a jazz chord!".

Stevie thought it was strange, but keyed a single, complex chord on piano and asked "is that what you wanted"

"No, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie then decided to expand on this, so played a short but very strange, meandering piece of music with a few jazz chords.

"No no no, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie then starts getting pissed off. He starts playing every single conceivable jazz pattern he can think of without any regard for whether people like it or not. He played it in the most jazzed up manner possible in the hopes that this fan would finally be happy.

"No, no, nonono. Nooo! Play a jazz chord" A jazz chooord!"

Stevie had enough: "God fcuking dammit, I have played every single bit of jazz I know!!! If you're not happy, then why don't you get up and play???"

Up steps the japanese man. He walks up to the microphone and softly sings "A jazz chord, to shay, I ruv yoooo"

irish_goat

MadsL wrote: »

And Mick, the head of Beamish says "Don't listen to Paddy, sure his name is Ivan and he was born in India."

"Don't listen to Mick, sure his name is Jean-François and he was born in Belgium."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heineken_International :rolleyes:

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..





To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.





So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.





They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

Comrade Zed

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings, Walt disnae.

Slattsy

Deleted User wrote: »

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..





To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.





So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.





They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

Funny & true !

--Kaiser--

LordChessington wrote: »

Stevie Wonder was playing a show in Japan. After playing a few songs, he then asked the audience for requests.

One man stood up and shouted "play a jazz chord!".

Stevie thought it was strange, but keyed a single, complex chord on piano and asked "is that what you wanted"

"No, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie then decided to expand on this, so played a short but very strange, meandering piece of music with a few jazz chords.

"No no no, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie then starts getting pissed off. He starts playing every single conceivable jazz pattern he can think of without any regard for whether people like it or not. He played it in the most jazzed up manner possible in the hopes that this fan would finally be happy.

"No, no, nonono. Nooo! Play a jazz chord" A jazz chooord!"

Stevie had enough: "God fcuking dammit, I have played every single bit of jazz I know!!! If you're not happy, then why don't you get up and play???"

Up steps the japanese man. He walks up to the microphone and softly sings "A jazz chord, to shay, I ruv yoooo"

I got a ticket for Stevie Wonder in Dublin a good bit back but the gig never happened.
He couldn't see the Point

EoghanIRL

Why can't Madeleine McCann play ps3?





I have an xbox.

rolliepoley

A man walks into a bar and puts a bunny on the bar; the bunny starts hopping around leaving bunny pellets on the bar. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that rabbit!"

A drunk comes in the bar, looks at the pellets and says, "What's these?" The bartender says, "They're brain vitamins." The drunk pops a few in his mouth and says, "They taste like ***e!" The bartender says, "See, they're working already!"

rolliepoley

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. “Oh my goodness,” the pretty young thing exclaimed, “I’m at the wrong house.” “Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her. “But you’re forty years too late.”

rolliepoley

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.” The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.” “I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband,I’m sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery.”

Wailin

A grumpy aul fella heads up to bed one stormy night, puts on his PJ's and climbs into bed next to the missus. The wind is howling outside and the rain is pelting off the window.

Just as he's dozing off someone starts hammering on the door wildly and jolts old Paddy upright in bed. "Who the fcuk could that be at this time in that weather eh?" he grumbles to the wife, Mary. He goes to lie back down when the thumping begins again.

Paddy flings back the covers and heads down the stairs grumbling away to himself. "You better have a good reason for this!" he shouts at the end of the stairs. "Any chance of a push?" comes a voice from outside the door. "Fcuk off!" shouts Paddy furiously, storms back up the stairs and climbs into bed.

"Who was it?" asks Mary sleepily. "Some eejit asking for a push" replies Paddy, "can you believe that?"

"Oh Paddy help the man for God's sake", says Mary sitting up in bed, "that could be you out there in that horrible weather looking for help." Not known for his good nature, Paddy is about to tell Mary where to go when he begins to feel a bit guilty. "Goddammit" he mumbles, climbing out of bed again. He puts on his raincoat over his PJ's, gathers his boots and tramps down the stairs, grumbling away to himself again.

He puts on his boots and opens the door, stumbling back from the ferocity of the wind and rain. "HEY" he shouts into the swirling rain and darkness, "HEY, ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

"YES!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Do you still want that push?" hollers Paddy.

"YES PLEASE!" comes the reply from the stormy night.

"WHERE ARE YOU?" yells Paddy, "I CAN'T SEE YOU!"

"OVER HERE ON THE SWING!" comes the gleeful reply!

M5

I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she has started to eat her dinner from a tectonic plate

Curly Judge

MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES


A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband
was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.

Curly Judge

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.
It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

--Kaiser--

Anyone else skip to the punch line for long jokes? Can usually guess the rest of it

Flibbles

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Anyone else skip to the punch line for long jokes? Can usually guess the rest of it

Yep. I also shoot straight to the money shot watching porn, and right to the end of the murder mystery films.

coolhull

I usually read maybe first two lines, then go to the punchline. The rest is often just padding.

Anyone

Friend of mine asked "Whats a whale weight?"

I replied "Its a twack for twains"

M5

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

Allyall

M5 wrote: »

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

Allyall

Allyall wrote: »

Dolby noise reduction system removed the hisssssss from tapes.

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

M5

Allyall wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

Dolby noise reduction system removed the hisssssss from tapes.

Never that funny when you have to explain it

rolliepoley

One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

To all those who have commiserated and sent their sympathies, the family of the late Ray Dolby would like to say: THX.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Brady?

-- Here!

Huntley?

-- Here!

Hindley?

-- Here!

Saville?

-- Here!




(Pedophile resgister)

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'
One Irish passenger yelled,
'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

EoghanIRL

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.

Mr Tibbs

If women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they do headace and sex all at the one time.

coolhull

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

If women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they do headace and sex all at the one time.

FYP

Mouth of the South

Fella walks into a bar and sees three big, big girls with red hair and rosy cheeks sitting at the bar downing points.
"Three big girls from Scotland , I'd say" he says to them
"No, Wales" they reply
"Sorry, three whales from Scotland then" he says back.

Mouth of the South

Fella walks into a bar and sees three big, big girls with red hair and rosy cheeks sitting at the bar downing points.
"Three big girls from Scotland , I'd say" he says to them
"No, Wales" they reply
"Sorry, three whales from Scotland then" he says back.

jonnyfingers

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Hagar the Nice.

Are you insured for sex,seriously,take a look at these companies.

Sex with your wife. Legal and General.

Phone sex. Direct Line

Having an affair. Go Compare.

Looking up doggy sites. Sheilas Wheels.

Sex resulting in pregnancy. General Accident.

Sex with a transvestite. Confused.com.
:rolleyes:

jimgoose

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Are you insured for sex,seriously,take a look at these companies...

Sex with Julie Andrews - NoNonsense.
Sex with a Swiss Miss - Zurich PLC.
Sex with a nympho - Fully-comprehensive.
Sex with an accountant - 123.ie
Sex with a slapper - easyquote.ie
Sex with an Eskimo - chill.ie
B&D, with anal - Norwich Union!
Bashing the Bishop - Windscreen cover.
Dogging - Third-Party Only.

Mr Tibbs

The new parish priest wasn't very sure of himself with the housekeeper. So after a week of sexual frustration he gets out of bed one night and srrips off bollock naked and walks down the hall to the housekeepers bedroom. He opens the door and says Well Mary what do you think and she says Oh father you have balls like a cannon

Hagar the Nice.

Sad news,just before Elvis died he bought a mouse,it died last nite.....

Caught in a trap.:(

TheChosenOne

A man is sitting in the toilet at night, door closed. Suddenly, the power goes out and the toilet light goes off.

The man starts screaming, "Aaaa, help, what's going on?!"

Wife replies: "The power went out".

Man: "Oh, I thought my eyes burst".

Hagar the Nice.

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa at a nursing home in Hamrun. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. "I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."