Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder

Rosiestar

I am female, 38, and diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. I also have major depression for over 20 years and suffer from paranoia which is well controlled now with medication. I really think these boards could do with a forum for people with this illness as it really is much more common than one would think its just not talked about as much as more 'mainstream' illnesses. So please if you have issues with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective disorder feel free to express yourself here. You are not alone.

Bill2673

Hi Rosie, hope you doing well. Its an issue thats affected my family quite a bit. Don't have anything immediate to say about it beyond that. Its a bit of a taboo subject. I think most people really don't know what schizophrenia is at all, and I've rarely if ever heard it discussed at a social level. Its a very tough condition to cope with.

flyswatter

20 year old male here who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia a while back.

Struggled with it for a good while throughout my teens, was very paranoid, thinking things people said without any relevance to me were about me and so on.

It all came to a head a few years ago when I was admitted to hospital. Was pretty depressed at this time and felt that news events from the papers and TV were being directed at me.

I'm probably one of the lucky ones though in that I'm making a good recovery. My medication has been reduced gradually and I can now challenge and dismiss thoughts and voices that I would believe emphatically before.

Glad there is a thread here on this topic. I haven't seen any before and we need more awareness on this as well as all areas of mental health.

LegacyUser

flyswatter wrote: »

20 year old male here who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia a while back.

My medication has been reduced gradually and I can now challenge and dismiss thoughts and voices that I would believe emphatically before.

glad to hear your doing well
but are the voices you hear, do they sound like its coming from outside if you were sitting in your house kind of way? or that the things which YOU think of, is like something which ia voice which sounds familiar to you, in the sence that if someone you know or have met were to say something this is what they would say, rather than actually LITERALLY hearing the voices in your head?

LegacyUser

or in other words is it different to your reading voice which you hear in you head while you read if you know what I mean.

flyswatter

Well I must say that not all schizophrenics hear voices and I don't hear too many these days as I'm receiving good medicinal treatment.

Sometimes you would hear something in your head and perceive it to be heard outside as if really hearing something. Or it can feel like your thoughts are being controlled by other people and critical thoughts are entering you from other peoples minds.

I have to say for me it's less auditory hallucinations and more delusions.
For example, someone saying something and I immediately perceive it to be about me. I can imagine people being aggressive towards me before I give them a second look. These happen quite a lot actually but it used to bother me a lot more than it does now. Now I can dismiss it quickly.

Then again I have to say "Am I physically hearing those voices I perceive to be threatening in the first place?" I'm pretty sure they are but then again that could be part of the illness in the first place.

Rosiestar

hi flyswatter and thanks for responding to this thread!

Just a bit about my own experience I myself didnt 'hear' voices but I did have a constant running commentary going on in my head from an unknown source mostly but sometimes the voices of people who know me and they were always derogatory, running me down, insulting me and so on.

When this goes on for a long time you do become paranoid to an extent so going out even to the shop became a major challenge the feeling that I was being watched and that people could read my thoughts etc. Now thanks to Geodon (medication) I dont suffer near so bad with these 'delusions' and basically have to deal with the severe depression that tends to accompany this illness unfortunately.

flyswatter

Hi Rosiestar,

I haven't heard that many voices in the past. Sometimes it's hard to tell though.

Your experiences about the running commentary from other people sounds very familiar. In the past I would avoid going places, any place really in which I felt 'threatened'.

seensensee

I have a good friend who was diagnosed as schizophrenic but that diagnosis did'nt appear to be appropriate since the only symptoms were that he was occasionally hearing voices. We blame it on an over active "heschl's gyrus".
http://answers.google.com/answers/main?cmd=threadview&id=180871

He feels much better understanding that the voices are coming from his sub conscious rather than "out there".

Rosiestar

hi seenseensee I have to say much of what you state went way over my head! the basic bread and butter of it is I hear people running me down, being derogaroty, being basically awful towards me as a person. I have to believe Im a good person, have done no~one any harm yet I am, in my mind maybe, being persecuted relentlessley to the point I can take no more.

seensensee

Hi Rosiestar, there seems to be a similarity in what you say and what my friend experienced, that is that the voices generally had a slightly negative tone. Sometimes he thought that there were people who could "beam in" and communicate telepathically which was a disturbing situation for him.

The link in previous post goes someway in explaining how research has shown that an area of the brain known as Heschl's Gyrus becomes active in those people who hear voices. That part of the brain normally becomes active when listening to real sound.

Roughly speaking a person who hears voices is most likely to actually be hearing the sound of part of what goes on in their own sub-conscious mind.
It's a very complicated subject and I'm not qualified to explain but it's an area worth investigating.

My friend was taking some heavy medication but gave it up after reading "The power of now" he's come to except that the voices are just another "monkey on his back" and has learned to live with it. the bottom line is that he does'nt feel like he's crazy or schizophrenic anymore. He really swears by that book.

Katy89

I'm very happy rosie, you opened this thread. I was always thinking of doing it, bit didn't had the guts in the end.

I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and as often, depression goes along with it more or less.
10 years ago I fell the first time into a heavy psychosis which almost cost my live. fortunately I got professional help at the end.

since then the schisoaffective disorder is part of my life. it comes to it's very hightimes when I'm under pressure and this is when I'm in a work situation and I get the feeling people/bosses are picking on me as I don't fulfill the expectations.
then my life around me changes and I can turn on the radio/tv and all is related to me, I go on the streets and people are looking at me and knowing what I feel. One part of me (my feelings) are telling me I'm a choosen person here on this world with whom an experiment is done which is to see how much mentally/emotional torture a human being can take and what happens to this person under this torture. when I was under this first psychosis 10 years ago it was completely real. Nowadays there is this part which feels like that and the other part, the understanding, which tells me it's my illness.
I never experienced that medication really helps. if I'm in this stressful situations, the only help is then to get out of the situation.
but it ruins my life as I always have to run away from work/relationships.

it's good to know there are others out there who have the same. I don't know anymore how to handle this condition, I'm at a dead end at the moment and can't do much anymore. There's no way out. I tried to fight against the illness and I reached a lot in my life but it always comes back and destroys everything again.

Rosiestar

Hi Katy I know exactly what you mean when you call this illness torture. It really has devastated my life also in so far as that I can no longer work anymore. I had to give up working in 2003 after a very serious suicide attempt and I've been leading a pretty isolated life ever since. For me its the paranoia thats the worst, the most overwhelming, it becomes part and parcel of ones self affecting everything I do or plan to do. All we can hope for is more research into treatments for this cursed disease. Take care Katy.

Rosiestar

I see that Im the last respondant to this post be that good or bad lest we know all I know is that Im doing well be that against most appreciation lest be that in my head regardless, I shall continue regardless doing good what I know to be good and in the best interest of the greater good best what ever the hell is me and the rest of me and to hell with the rest of the shiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Rosiestar

Just wanted to come back and say.



Amen.

Decatur84

Hi Schizophrenia.com is a great site for everything concerning schizophrenia. Hope that helps

nesf

Recently rediagnosed as schizophrenic not bipolar. Don't hear voices, just have paranoid delusions, think people are talking about me etc. Quite insidious stuff really. One psychotic break so far, been doing pretty poorly since then, a lot of negative and cognitive symptoms holding me down that I thought was depression. I'm hoping that the new diagnosis and a change in focus in medication will reap dividends. We'll see.

Odysseus

nesf wrote: »

Recently rediagnosed as schizophrenic not bipolar. Don't hear voices, just have paranoid delusions, think people are talking about me etc. Quite insidious stuff really. One psychotic break so far, been doing pretty poorly since then, a lot of negative and cognitive symptoms holding me down that I thought was depression. I'm hoping that the new diagnosis and a change in focus in medication will reap dividends. We'll see.

I always found your posts very articulate Nesf, sorry to hear things haven't being the best. I hope the new direction in treatment works out well for you. Since you started posting on the topic it has been very striking the lenghts that you are prepared to go to in order to address you situation, if the treatment matchs up to your desire to be well, you will get excellent results.

flyswatter

Well I'm fully off meds now and it shows.

Everything's clearer now and I can remember everything as the meds really slow your brain down.

However, I was looking forward to tomorrow and tonight I've realised how chronic I actually was. I had a lot of symptoms. Hearing voices inside and hearing peoples thoughts outside as if they were being amplified. Paranoia and ideas of reference referring to evil.

I'm taking the day off to gather myself and let off some steam. The psych team deserve the blame and I've realised very much so for putting me on up to 45mgs of medication combos. It was nearly disastrous.

Hopefully I'll calm down and I'll be able to carry on as normal soon.

flyswatter

Hey guys,

Just an update from me.

As you may know, I've been completely off medication for over a month now I reckon.

My psychiatrist was really impressed with my progress and kept cutting down it down until I was on none at all. I've been on the following meds over the years.

First dose: Risperidone (Low enough dose at first, calmed the paranoid thoughts and kept my mind from racing, was increased when it wasn't working and was soon taken off it cos' it wasn't for me.

Second dose: Zyprexa, Lexapro. 20mg (maximum recommended dose) of Zyprexa and 20mg of Lexapro.

Third dose: Zyprexa, Lexapro and Fentazin (an old antipsychotic). I was that chronic at the time, the doctor thought I needed another medication.

Fourth dose: Following a particularly tough period of psychosis, my new psychiatrist, the old one retired, took me off the Fentazin, I was weaned off the Lexapro before and at this stage I was completely off it. Any antipsychotic these days is really powerful, but different ones suit different people. Clozapine is apparently the best of all and can completely clear up psychosis but if a person has a certain white blood cell type they cannot take it as it is dangerous. A blood test is run to check beforehand.

Zyprexa is lethal for weight gain, I should have challenged the doctor really and tried something else. I exercised a decent amount but it makes you crave lots of food and worst of all, sugary, fatty foods. I put on several stone.

I was shocked but still not surprised that psychosis is the third worst form of disability in existence, behind Dementia, but ahead of Blindness! :eek:

I had almost the full range of mental illnesses. Hearing voices, racing thoughts, disturbing paranoid obsessive thoughts, depression, anxiety, OCD.

In school, for 6 or so years, I would hear screams almost constantly every second. It varied depending on my self esteem. But I had very low self esteem and cared deeply about what people thought of me.

I remember talking to a musician online. We had some great chats about music. I started avoiding her when I saw her email address. It sounded Japanese. She was of Asian origin. I thought she was part of an Asian mafia organization and they were coming to Ireland to kill me!

Cutting down on the meds, I have never been fitter and happier. Psychosis affects how you interact with the world. Everything is more enjoyable now. I always liked music to calm down and enjoy but it seems to be 100 times better now. You just interact with the world and notice things so much better. 99% of the population are neurotic and the only place you will find a high concentration of psychotic people is a psych hospital. I underperformed in my Leaving Cert cos of my mental state but my last school where I did it were fantastic and made some unbelievable efforts to help me.

To be honest, I will leave this up for a while and then start deleting my posts as I have links in my sig and as Boards is so popular these days I am very traceable. I want only the friends I have trusted for years and family members to know. It's really not good to tell someone you just met about this. There is feck all stigma about depression and anxiety here now, but still some about Schizophrenia and in America it is unbelievable how ignorant they can be about it. A hell of a lot of them think people like us are out to harm people. There is a huge distinction between a psychopath and a psychotic person.

I will always help out here and in PI though but I'm going to be more vague!

I think I'm one of the success stories. I wish the very best to nesf and all those with the constant struggle they are facing.

Hope that helps some people out there about how schizophrenia affects people!

flyswatter

This is in AH now if you want to read it.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056222358

The OP is the same but I answer a lot of questions!

Katy89

hi flyswatter,

that's great to hear that you are completely out of medication.

I would be really interested how you did this/how it came to the situation that you don't need them anymore. did something major change in your life?

flyswatter

Katy89 wrote: »

hi flyswatter,

that's great to hear that you are completely out of medication.

I would be really interested how you did this/how it came to the situation that you don't need them anymore. did something major change in your life?

Hi Katy,

A combination of tenacity and wanting to do the things I always wanted to do, hard work and exercise.

I'd recommend reading the After Hours thread if you haven't already. You'll get a better idea of how I made the change.

EyeOnTheBall

I am recently diagnosed with schizophrenia and am currently taking Zyprexa. I also found that there is so little out there about this disease. YouTube has plenty of flaky 're-enactment' scenarios about the illness and endless jargon from psychologists. It also has acres of film about the unfortunate little girl called Jani in America who appeared on the Oprah show (this girl suffers from an extremely severe case of schizophrenia).
Apart from that, there is so few recordings or writings from people who suffer with this disease. Outside of the musician Daniel Johnston, it pretty much doesn't filter into the mainstream whatsoever. This must change. I am on a mission to find as much info on the net and bring it all together on a blog to help sufferers. I will be back when i set it up!

Click link to go to Daniel Johnston and his brilliant portrayal of his disease:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_RbSAwMa3U&feature=fvst

sam34

while the film "a beautiful mind" uses a fair share of poetic licence, the book is v accurate. there's a lot of economic theory in the book which I skipped ( way too complicated for me) but the descriptions of John nash's behaviour and symptoms by those who worked with him, lived with him and those that treated him are bang on. the interviews with him himself as well are very poignant and interesting. well worth a read.

LegacyUser

Sam, or anyone else who might know, are negative symptoms always associated with schizophrenia or can they be part of psychotic depression or bipolar?

I understand that it's a considered a degenerative disease. After a series of progressively worse deteriorations into psychosis how likely is it that a person can recover? I suppose I mean in terms of having a social life, a job and a partner.

My sympathies to anyone who's gone through this.

flyswatter

Hopeless optimist wrote: »

Sam, or anyone else who might know, are negative symptoms always associated with schizophrenia or can they be part of psychotic depression or bipolar?

I understand that it's a considered a degenerative disease. After a series of progressively worse deteriorations into psychosis how likely is it that a person can recover? I suppose I mean in terms of having a social life, a job and a partner.

My sympathies to anyone who's gone through this.

Definitely negative systems associated with most mental illnesses. Lack of motivation and enjoying stuff you used to a lot less for me. Forgetting stuff too when on the meds.

Yeah, it can be very degenerative indeed. It's different from anxiety and depression in that it can totally affect how you interact with the world, how you enjoy things, notice things, a lot of things really.

I always tried to be sociable as I could even when I was isolated a lot but I usually always made an effort to socialise when I could, especially when the medication was lowered over time.

I have no problem now with life really, I hope to get a job pretty soon and and do the other things you mentioned.

limra

they want it to be a museum but its too close to real life, it doesn't seem real, like they really care, it seems like about something else, they want it to be a circus but i just want peace, whenever im stopping it seems like theyre starting again
im crazy there is only me and flo, they dont exist, there is no history
if you have an idea of that beforehand, you are a fool of fools, good luck to you
i talk poetically but my situation is sad
i watch my moods bounce along, i watch death rise and fall like the tides
never flooding
i watch the sky and the clouds and the spheres of colored light and the numinous part in my heart hears you,
why are we so different, we bounce along everything seems like a blessing and a song
yet so hard another person is to dance with
no body like you,
soon ill be dead, ill be dead if i live the truth, and did i even want to be alive?
life is being given to me, and i understand its beauty the Yomo speaks through it all
all of us we are her, great mother, in all, all this story, with its intricate meanings at every turn and nuance, the angels, the demons in synchronicity in woven celestial lore, a koan of nowness, an aloha stanza, a momentary rising sense of home
i offer the commonplace beauty in a life
before i go and dwell a while in it reflecting, there is solace there
i find i can't leave anymore, in the woods, they just take me...
oh home, oh world, oh captors, fools of babylon, yet even we speak blindly
intuition is the language of the struggle, peace, love like abstract paintings
like collages of the rain
i am in the oily river, breaking up the blocks
i wash at the lake,
i am married first to you flo and secondly to this land
for we both did come of the trees, oh it is different being living fruit
as all is alive, and speaking truth
nourishment of the soul
i have a poem, of it here, for those who would hear, and like missing teeth
the rings of life are lit
shining from the center that old sun
horizon, smoking another spliff

they say you're trapped and surrounded
and what do you do, you fly through distinctions
and the secrets of the Goddess, secrets, only from you personally
they would never understand, the ice, the warning, the dreaming band, would i die?
i follow so many, i am attached in so many ways, who i seem to be vanishes in astrology
who they are comes again, false dharma, everywhere, life spilling from, the river
at the edge of eternity
they'd followed us here even its true, shamans are we are, so life is here, as well, just as well, what mechanism this is, i know not, and we flee from all that we can, yet there is no rest, it must be something divine, the divine mysteries, the reasons to all of the whys,
wise
they say you're trapped, you're surrounded, everywhere you go you are already speaking
your thoughts are outside everything has fallen into the street, we read it like so many scrambled eggs, innocent like the first break of the dawn
i write poetry but really im dying, im killing myself but really they're just cruel
oh chi of life flow as ye will, and swing back into, perhaps it is their way,
the calendar, they were saying something, the holidays has some strange meaning, they've chosen me for all this,
but of course, they are naught but the spirits loving and empty, across the battlefield of life, the sprouts, the spirit trees, the old bits of beautiful things, charred and mixed together
none of it means anything to me, i would die if i didn't tell you, i understand it all came back to them, it was tao speaking, it is the universe alive, and they say to look there, but everywhere i looked and only then did it come but not from everywhere or anywhere,
the cats in the rain, the ghosts leaving coming and going, the truth of the meditation, the zazen, the death of all teachers, the death of all illusion, no it followed none of their protocol, wayless, meaningless, bound to be betrayed, endless in its scope, like the only truly dead stone


is this all it is? just art? just notions? just insane devotion and bad vision, just lack of perception, just lack of words?
at a point it means something, created and creating, no it was the voice destroying my life, was it God? every way there was death and destruction, no path made any remote sense, all along they had no conception, and were offended at our rage

death seemed to be coming closer, it would have to come, these are foolish dreams, life is too simple to be surrounded by idiots


may as well not understand just be totally free, even try to understand who cares, its all ****ing, its all infinity, every single thing is full every thing is the whole thing, there was no more us or me then, i didn't care about the coincidences, the alignments, the fakeness
i didn't care life or death, or the story, i took it purely and returned home, cows


i dont care about germany or russia, i don't care about bush
i care about the trees because i care about my peace
and i think there comes a time for everyone where you realize they are messing specifically with you,
when you realize, everyone is being kept seperated for some reason, and fake ones are going in their place
this is the extent of the system and what it does you figure, not even as covert but just to stay alive, but we also do things, that is why we have always been here, even without meeting one another usually, still we know
its like the connections between ancient cultures who were so similar yet had no contact, or supposedly so, maybe contact in an unseen way, which 'they' dont want to be known as true or real, but it happens,
sometimes we must wipe the slate clean



i just sense a lack of discipline and whoever is nourishing this is a great fool, yet perhaps it is the mother of all, old ways ring true, druids come and go, transforming themselves into the mushrooms,

if i must die let me die
ive been inconsiderate, though ive tried
im stumbled though ive come far
almost makes you think this schizophrenia thing is real, which is some comfort at a point
a skeptic vantage point of divine and humoristic love, some kind of point system based in the biblical nemorium,

to the spirits all of them, a shaman would say
and good things, the universe would come through her then
none would see, none would know, the bones scattered across many worlds
idiots around, and demons all futile and annoying in their banter
all resonating with the eternal source
all dancing in the foolishness of sense
that ugly aoinre! i'll wagon the days with a lamp of gentle cares
and set forth chanting then with you
isn't that all the dance all this wanti way,
as it lives here, and here,
what is it, what does the soul say, something opening
AWOLO!




why are we living at such an immature level and pretending that its real? why have we disallowed ourselves to say collectively **** it, this is bull****, why do we insist so thoroughly, and wallow in such stupidity and ultimate self destruction, away from our interests and the things that have true virtues? why are we still distinguishing between gods and religions when everything is part of the sacred oneness of the experience of life, and nothing even need be pronounced or disputed, because we can't live here, we think we must change but we just have to grow and we've learned to make a good home, but a good home around the home, community and not just among humans but also all life welcoming and vibing with spirit in a pure aloha sense. im right where they all thought i would be and theres nothing i can do really except die, life itself is bhakti, everything is love, love is something true something real, something personal, yet shared, the fairies understand and we are them and they are us, the ancient magic which makes it all alive, let it flow first it is in the seed, and in our hands, this lesson is true and it is no secret, sow many seeds, even wildly if you must, the sun the wind the earth and the rain appreciate the help and will sort out the proper happening, all is right in the sequence of events,
all is one,




but oh the bonnie hills of scottlands and i say bonnie just by chance, shaman of the song, you're forgetting, the waning moon
only magic the way out of this
by the great light and virtue of this moon of moons,
may we find deliverance from the doom of stranger loons
false friends and traps of runes
made to sway and make us boobs
may it return to them who send, and be nothing to
us others in the end,
may grace come true and truth be known
joy run free to all that be, and wanti be shown




the chance that these are just innoculous vibrations is slim to nil, theyre coming from something, they are like small whales, almost frightening diisturbing, reaching out, speaking, singing, symbolizing.

all hands were on deck, we thanked the whales for their contribution to the shamanic story
then meditated and continued yogic practices.





Within the church, we have been identified as Satan (Kernunnos), yet our hearts are full of love, we were called to this life path for a reason though, damnit!

i might gain the enlightenment from any fallen leaf or blade of grass, from any breathe or awkward pause, everything becomes alive with meaningless meaning purposeless purpose, you begin to channel beings from elsewhere because there is only emptiness and thus the river is made, into what? the whole creation is taken in, to the enlightenment, where it has always dwelled, shades of thought and being,

this is my last incarnation.

(bows)




but think how would you feel if there was some strange foreign missionary religion hurling itself at you in egotistical ways through windows and all around you outside, dictating shamanism kingship and sly and the family stone? using evil symbols and living in the ignorance of the people, what does it mean, is god some strange miracle where the truth is coming through fully, it has come it erupts it is spontaneous and knowing, to heal oneself from this, from being forced too much too soon, and thrown off course, because of it

why do they appear so quietly, what is it all about? are people actually living here by choice?
it seems like a bizarre cult, everything fixed and generic, hard to understand anything outside of that, but the plants know a bit, mostly theres rose mary and pines you notice, and the wheat, but too much patriarchy and the stories of everyone, and the pictures, maybe it is, just heritage and the people who live here, thats what life is really like here, something about it makes sense in an odd familiar way, its like coming down after a really long time, feeling some kind of ground there, some kind of truth to this, i hadn't conceptions of this kind of thing in so long, something about the trees, the leaves, the pink flowers, the fan.

the lack of explanation, the simulation of ritualistic occult death, all of it had to do with the goddess, they were strange and ancient symbolic practices, from another culture, but nonetheless they resonated deeply with me, and changed my perceptions in a way spoken world had not, spoken world was more and more polluted and less and less was that quiet little guy who said those really deep things.

it was some strange trip that cleared up partly, how much had been done, without realizing it, i look back at that which the fool who came before me and now surrounds me, whom it seems at times i must slay and yet, the peace in me overflows and everything is love, have i even been born? stranger and stranger it all seems, and perhaps it is wrong, perhaps there is nothing i can do, i submit to the tao, submit to true love, no limits, break free from wierd limitations, and 'kick it' old school.




theyre just trying to use us to cut down trees, but they can't, because we care and we have heart, because the fairies and animals and every plant and God and the Goddess are one with us, their divisions and manipulations are false and old fashioned, we will not entertain their trickery, real love, real life, real situations are our truth, we speak out and we care, we're not perfect but we understand each other well enough, we don't hurt anyone, all beings are equal, life is precious, through life the paths we weave are vibrations from the parts of our soul which is still drifting out there, if we can unite all of it, then we are free from incarnation and reincarnation, there is samadhi, timelessness, bliss, realization
the parts of our soul are everywhere, under every rock, in every tree and birdsong, every passing face, but we can't run up and take people faces, because we see our center is very different from what we normally think, actually our center is deep at the center of all, thats why we exist in so many worlds, from wanti to this one, and experience them all in some degree through our feelings

when a soul comes together everything benefits and the whole universe, tao, chi runs smoother through it, existence is more beautiful for all, because one means so much, really one is the whole thing, so the great mother knows first each individual even individual atoms, the way, the nurturing the guidance, this is true, she is all things, and her wisdom is the source of all, she is the kaballah and the road of the wild reeds, she is the path trodden by the wheelless ones, and the simple tree, which has the glow

union with our identity as her in her, we are restored, but she is not any physical sign, but an allness, an expansiveness, she is the very sky, the sky of the sky, and the earth of the earth, dig, like butterflies of beauty
wafting toasty swirl
your refrigerator waters haiku
drip drop
cabbage soup

we end it with vibrations of love and joy for the trees peace among all nature, calmness, lightheartedness and nondoing among the warriors, and coolness among the zen priests and priestesses of the modern day who enlighten someway, somehow.

YOMO YAVEYETTA!

nesf

I hate having schizophrenia. It has robbed me of so much.

tommylimerick

i did a personality test on line
am on zyprexa at the moment
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flyswatter

nesf wrote: »

I hate having schizophrenia. It has robbed me of so much.

Feel free to send me a PM or even better arrange an MSN/IRC conversation or something and we can discuss stuff quicker.

Remember, you are a stronger person than most people for carrying on.

limra

so i've noticed, with schizophrenia its always like you're being told either your brain is slowly disintegrating, being locked away and restrained and expiremented on by mad scientists, or your being heralded as some kind of intrepid genius savant type or demigod and going around with extremely powerful magics doing things like saving the world, healing cancer, bringing about world peace and befriending bunny rabbit sages, and i was going to say, that its important to take the middle route, but actually now that i think about it who cares, that actually does seem to be the way it is, and i feel like i do take the middle route, all of it heals itself though, its like some kind of divine spiritual lesson in the end, maybe the middle road is no different from the high or low roads, because if you take a high road youll have to take a low road eventually and if you take a low road the time comes when you'll have to take a high road. I guess schizophrenia is just gnosticism in the end, if the psychiatrist and psychologists are just wierd kinds of priests and gatekeepers, and people on places like this site are kind of like archons and the hospitals and strange manic journeys that sometimes take us here and there, those are just the shamanic journeys through other realms where we do our work in growing as people and learning about the world in the old ways, which are not so often taught in traditional straight forward manners anymore. And all of it happens in humble enough of a way as to seem pretty much normal to everyone else, and still translate to some degree to the modern world, i think we are probably the last bastions of the real magical world which are continously scattered and randomly appearing in every world, but especially Earth and our job is different and subtle and non linear, we work together we with universe spirit and others in the unconscious to keep protect and make the universe a better place through our adventures trails and tribulations. And psychedelic music is our guide and shining light through the tunnels of heaven hell earth, and even all the way back to the first primordial ground Wanti, in within buddhist realms of nirvana and suffering with messages and good vibes and just good rockingness to keep everything good, bearable and meaningful in the end. Thats cool, i think thats been on the tips of our tongues for a long time, and glad to finally be able to express it now! I don't think its an illness but a way of life, we are wounded healers, and we do suffer but its all for a reason for a greater good none of it is in vain, all of it serves a purpose I believe before we were born all of us chose this path in our prior incarnation or when we had no spiritual form because we knew it would be essential to the world, nature, and all beings though it defies logic that it is so, which is really the amazing genius of it.

euser1984

Hi,
After seeing this page I thought I might post a link to my quite disturbing story. Just wondering what people think - the person I wrote about has been diagnosed ADHD and depression. Schizophrenia has never been considered. I wrote this story to give to his psychologist. I think it may be more to do with is shadow.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056282795

sam34

euser1984 wrote: »

Hi,
After seeing this page I thought I might post a link to my quite disturbing story. Just wondering what people think - the person I wrote about has been diagnosed ADHD and depression. Schizophrenia has never been considered. I wrote this story to give to his psychologist. I think it may be more to do with is shadow.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056282795

hi there. just a modnote to say noone here is qualified to make a comment/ suggestion about diagnoses.

nesf

Bleh first day I'm feeling human in about 2 months. Really, genuinely, felt like I was relapsing back into an episode 2 days ago, yet today feeling good and stable.

Am a very happy camper.

Rosiestar

Nesf Im so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, can I ask what medication you are taking? I have been on all or most of the antipsychotics including Clozaril and am now on Geodon which I am trying so hard to get off but it ridiculously hard to do so. I have cut down from 160mg to 40mg now but to stop it altogether I suffer extreme insomnia and often wonder if I'll ever be able to be free of it altogether. And then again the other thing is if I do get of this last antipsychotic will the symptoms especially the paranoia return with a vengence oh God I couldnt handle that again, Ive been doing so well this last while in that respect. Although I do have treatment resistant depression also as well as treatment resistant schizophrenia, all I can do is live in hope I really have had my fill of taking medication not to mention how hard it is to lose those last few pounds gained with Clozaril and Zyprexa and the resulting underactive thyroid gland from taking Lithium so just a warning for anyone taking Lithium be very careful as it can really damage your thyroid gland leading to a whole host of other problems.

I really empathasis with anyone with this extremely debilitating illness and wish everyone a good day.

nesf

Rosiestar wrote: »

Nesf Im so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, can I ask what medication you are taking? I have been on all or most of the antipsychotics including Clozaril and am now on Geodon which I am trying so hard to get off but it ridiculously hard to do so. I have cut down from 160mg to 40mg now but to stop it altogether I suffer extreme insomnia and often wonder if I'll ever be able to be free of it altogether. And then again the other thing is if I do get of this last antipsychotic will the symptoms especially the paranoia return with a vengence oh God I couldnt handle that again, Ive been doing so well this last while in that respect. Although I do have treatment resistant depression also as well as treatment resistant schizophrenia, all I can do is live in hope I really have had my fill of taking medication not to mention how hard it is to lose those last few pounds gained with Clozaril and Zyprexa and the resulting underactive thyroid gland from taking Lithium so just a warning for anyone taking Lithium be very careful as it can really damage your thyroid gland leading to a whole host of other problems.

I really empathasis with anyone with this extremely debilitating illness and wish everyone a good day.

I'm on 400mg Solian and 1500mg Trileptal at the moment so not too much.

limra

i feel like this is paradise lost, i might have lost my good friend, because i was texting her while i was crazy and she might have been offended, its happened before though and it has sucked but later im always okay and it seems to be chill, its very sad i miss our discussions, she was pretty much my best friend, only real physical friend who was always there pretty much
i just dont understand the world sometimes... i dont know why everyone is going..

flyswatter

Rosiestar wrote: »

Nesf Im so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, can I ask what medication you are taking? I have been on all or most of the antipsychotics including Clozaril and am now on Geodon which I am trying so hard to get off but it ridiculously hard to do so. I have cut down from 160mg to 40mg now but to stop it altogether I suffer extreme insomnia and often wonder if I'll ever be able to be free of it altogether. And then again the other thing is if I do get of this last antipsychotic will the symptoms especially the paranoia return with a vengence oh God I couldnt handle that again, Ive been doing so well this last while in that respect. Although I do have treatment resistant depression also as well as treatment resistant schizophrenia, all I can do is live in hope I really have had my fill of taking medication not to mention how hard it is to lose those last few pounds gained with Clozaril and Zyprexa and the resulting underactive thyroid gland from taking Lithium so just a warning for anyone taking Lithium be very careful as it can really damage your thyroid gland leading to a whole host of other problems.

I really empathasis with anyone with this extremely debilitating illness and wish everyone a good day.

A solid sleep pattern is really important, for anyone really. At the moment I'm dealing with post-psychotic depression.

http://www.bestschizophreniatreatment.com/depression-5-natural-ways-to-defeat-post-psychotic-depression-in-addition-to-anti-psychotic-medicine/

I'm finding it hard to deal with things that happened in the past and struggling with motivation, ruminating on the past etc. Not being in college isn't helping because that gave me something to do and keep my mind off things. So I just have to keep myself occupied, exercise, eat well, all those things mentioned above really. The odd critical voice is slipping in but it's mainly depression.

You said there that you have treatment resistant depression and schizophrenia, just interested to know what you mean by this? Are you getting therapy in conjunction with medication? I believe that therapy is just as vital as medication, it's a very serious illness but it's how you challenge those thoughts and the mindset. There are support groups for psychotic people in St. Patricks Hospital and organizations like Grow and Shine where you will meet people who have the same illness.

Best of luck! Keep going.

nesf

So the Solian didn't work out too well for me, left me deadened and uninterested in things (though I stress that this is it's reaction with me and not something that people should take as being generally representative of people's reaction to the drug!). Down to 200mg now, feeling much better, was on 600mg for a few months and did very poorly on it.

Going into hospital Monday for an extended observation/treatment stay. Not looking forward to it at all but am at a loss as to what other option I have so am not fighting against it.

Trying to be positive and optimistic but it's very hard at the moment. Far too many years of treatments not working combined with the declining trend of my mental health over the past 5 years especially. I made some initial dramatic improvements once I was put on a mood stabiliser, but have been steadily deteriorating in other respects of my mental health since then.

nesf

So in hospital. It's nice enough. Confined to the ward for the moment which is kinda annoying but I've got a laptop and mobile broadband so life isn't too bad with the internet to distract me from the confinement. Would hate to be in here without distractions!

euser1984

What are you experiencing that you have had to go into hospital?

nesf

euser1984 wrote: »

What are you experiencing that you have had to go into hospital?

Chronic mental health problems, quite withdrawn from life, low level psychosis and such. Mostly in for observation so my psychiatrist can get a much better idea of what's wrong with me.

euser1984

I'm just wondering what experiences one would have in a low level psychosis?

nesf

euser1984 wrote: »

I'm just wondering what experiences one would have in a low level psychosis?

I get paranoid about people but don't act on my paranoia, I'm able to manage it. It's still bloody uncomfortable and nasty though.

I know that's not a great answer, but not feeling up to a detailed explanation right now. I'd just add that paranoia can be subtle, it isn't always "The CIA are controlling my thoughts!!!1!111!"

Happyzebra

Hi. Was wondering what would be the best way to support someone with schizoaffective disorder?

Also is psychotherapy/counselling helpful? I did read somewhere that it is not recommended for people with such a diagnoses and was wondering if any of you had ever gone that route?

Reason I ask is that a realtive of mine was diagnosd with schizoffective and has been on meds for years and is only just getting by. There has been no attempt from his phsycharist to deal with what led up to his first episode. I know he has things in past that needs to be addressed but it seems that once his symptoms are under control his doc is happy but surely helping him rebuild his life and helping him deal with the past should be on the agenda also?

Thanks

sam34

Happyzebra wrote: »

Hi. Was wondering what would be the best way to support someone with schizoaffective disorder?

Also is psychotherapy/counselling helpful? I did read somewhere that it is not recommended for people with such a diagnoses and was wondering if any of you had ever gone that route?

Reason I ask is that a realtive of mine was diagnosd with schizoffective and has been on meds for years and is only just getting by. There has been no attempt from his phsycharist to deal with what led up to his first episode. I know he has things in past that needs to be addressed but it seems that once his symptoms are under control his doc is happy but surely helping him rebuild his life and helping him deal with the past should be on the agenda also?

Thanks

sorry but we can't offer opinions on the treatment plan for your relative. he should discuss it with his treating team if he wishes to get a new or additional treatment form.

nesf

Hospital is going well. I'm finding St. Patrick's to be quite a nice hospital.

Paranoia is lessening a bit, concentration is still poor, so it motivation and enjoyment of things. But, eh, that's why I'm here etc.

nesf

Starting a psychosis recovery program on Monday. Might post some stuff from it up on here.

nesf

Looks like I don't have Schizoaffective (whoohoo!) but dear God the akathasia from the meds is driving me a bit mad!

Katy89

nesf wrote: »

Starting a psychosis recovery program on Monday. Might post some stuff from it up on here.

would be really interesting what this programme involves..thanks for keeping updated.