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Hilarious court transcripts

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  • 05-12-2010 9:56am
    #1
    take everything
    Registered Users Posts: 9,806 ✭✭✭


    Copied these from another site.
    They made me laugh so thought i'd share.
    Apparently, they're real transcripts.


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ______________________________ ______

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right t?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

    Can I get a new attorney?

    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    ______________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________ ________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No .

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


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