Boyfriend called me Pysco after romantic surprise

Wibbs

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think that's the main point.

The OP's problem is not what she did, it's that she misjudged the strength of the guy's feelings towards her.

I think that's the obvious point, but for me the main point as others have pointed out is that she seems currently incapable of perceiving how others might feel. As pickarooney said "From the outset it's all about how you like this and and that and that's the way it's going to be. Any deviation from your world-view you simply consider wrong". That IMH is the main point and the point which will cause the most friction in this or any other relationship the OP will have. That kinda thinking leads to all sorts of crap no one needs.

Wolfe Tone

ztoical wrote: »

I think your confused over who Mary Whitehouse was and what she was aganist. I haven't seen anyone on the thread being disgusted with the OP wanting to dress as a sexy santa for her OH, in fact several posters have admitted doing the same or something along the same lines for their OHs. No one is saying the OP was wrong for wanting to do something sexy/rommantic, the main issue people have is how she gained access to the property. As has been said several times she should have asked the flatmate to borrow the key or for them to let her in rather then just assuming she was free to take the key and let herself in.

I would flip at my flatmate if he gave away a key to some girl I knew for just a few weeks. Its my house, I would like to be in charge of who comes and goes.

reprazant

pickarooney wrote: »

"we were getting ready for bed"... this sounds really out of whack with a 'relationship' that's a couple of weeks old. I think you may have got a bit carried away as to what exactly the two of you mean to one another after a very short time. Kiss this one goodnight and try get a better sense of pacing the next time.

What exactly does that mean?

Because they were sleeping together after a few weeks, he obviously thought of her as nothing but a shag and nothing more? Is that what you mean?

Nice and judgemental there.

prinz

reprazant wrote: »

What exactly does that mean?
Because they were sleeping together after a few weeks, he obviously thought of her as nothing but a shag and nothing more? Is that what you mean?Nice and judgemental there.

I think what pickarooney was referring to was more the suitability of the vocabulary, it doesn't fit with the picture of a young couple, early in a relationship, that's all.

Tbh '"getting ready for bed" just sounds to me like something my parents would say, so I can see how it would strike someone as an unusual turn of phrase in he circumstances.

Wompa1

prinz wrote: »

I think what pickarooney was referring to was more the suitability of the vocabulary, it doesn't fit with the picture of a young couple, early in a relationship, that's all.

Tbh '"getting ready for bed" just sounds to me like something my parents would say, so I can see how it would strike someone as an unusual turn of phrase in he circumstances.

Yeah that's how I interpreted to. Like she was already settled in and comfortable in a relationship that probably couldn't even have been considered a relationship at that point. It takes more than a few weeks to know..in my opinion anyway

Corkblowin

I agree with reprazant, theres an undertone through some of the comments that she shouldn't have been in that sort of a relationship after 'a few weeks'. This is projecting your own world view onto the OP, which is exactly what shes been guilty of. For some relationships it happens quicker than others.

You could forgive the 'breaking in' bit eventually, the sexy santa was a great idea, but not accepting his point of view, saying she'd like it, and asking 'should she dump him!' suggests that she has made no effort to look at things from any perspective other than her own.

HellFireClub

pickarooney wrote: »

"we were getting ready for bed"... this sounds really out of whack with a 'relationship' that's a couple of weeks old. I think you may have got a bit carried away as to what exactly the two of you mean to one another after a very short time. Kiss this one goodnight and try get a better sense of pacing the next time.

This whole drama is really all about you, even from the way you describe it yourself; there's no real consideration whatsoever for anyone else in this story. Your whole approach is of someone whose hare-brained plan was thwarted by an unappreciative man, there's no self-awareness or recognition that you might have done something wrong or that he might have seen things differently. From the outset it's all about how you like this and and that and that's the way it's going to be. Any deviation from your world-view you simply consider wrong.

I think not only is this relationship dead in the water but you'll be looking at a long succession of failed romances if you don't start to seriously consider other people as opposed to them being bit-part players in your rose-tinted pscyhodramas.

This ties in very well with the previous point I was trying to make, which was that I get the strong impression that this in all probability is the latest of a string of misjudged actions and undertakings that have resulted in serious falling-outs with colleagues, friends and partners/potential partners.

You'd do well to learn from this OP and work out a way of being a lot more laid back, less hasty and headstrong, and diplomatic, not from your own perspective but from the perspective of others. I'd go as far to say that maybe you should run these kind of notions past someone else like a good friend for a while before you try something like this again and fully commit yourself to being bound by their wisdom with regard to your intentions, should you wish to surprise someone in this way again, because you don't sound like the type of person who takes on board feedback at all after the fact, which means you cannot be learning from your mistakes, and that's why I'd suggest a kind of "security layer" of another person who could possibly advise you better before the fact than afterwards...

HellFireClub

Corkblowin wrote: »

I agree with reprazant, theres an undertone through some of the comments that she shouldn't have been in that sort of a relationship after 'a few weeks'. This is projecting your own world view onto the OP, which is exactly what shes been guilty of. For some relationships it happens quicker than others.

You could forgive the 'breaking in' bit eventually, the sexy santa was a great idea, but not accepting his point of view, saying she'd like it, and asking 'should she dump him!' suggests that she has made no effort to look at things from any perspective other than her own.

I think there is an emerging consensus here that the issue was never the "sexy Santa" idea. If she had the foresight to give it another two weeks and package it up with a night away somewhere in a hotel after a romantic dinner, we'd probably never be discussing it on here, there wouldn't have been a problem.

It was the very underhand way the key was obtained, the lad could have come back home with his parents or his mates or a work colleague and walked in on top of her sprawled on the couch. First thing I'd be thinking if a girl did that to me would be, "ah here if I end up in a serious relationship with this one and we end up having a row, she thinks she can sneak in here into my living room and bring her issues into my living room and the first I'll know about it is when I walk in the door?!?!?".

Wibbs

HellFireClub wrote: »

First thing I'd be thinking if a girl did that to me would be, "ah here if I end up in a serious relationship with this one and we end up having a row, she thinks she can sneak in here into my living room and bring her issues into my living room and the first I'll know about it is when I walk in the door?!?!?".

This.

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

I think that's the obvious point, but for me the main point as others have pointed out is that she seems currently incapable of perceiving how others might feel. As pickarooney said "From the outset it's all about how you like this and and that and that's the way it's going to be. Any deviation from your world-view you simply consider wrong". That IMH is the main point and the point which will cause the most friction in this or any other relationship the OP will have. That kinda thinking leads to all sorts of crap no one needs.

I disagree with that. The OP was as insistent on her own POV as people who are arguing against he in this thread are insitent on theirs. You can equally say about them that 'any deviation from their world-view they consider wrong'.

Reality is, we all have a POV that we believe is right and defend (in a situation like this there is no right and wrong answer). That does not make us somehow 'bad' partners. Like it or not, the OP was treated horribly, truly horribly, and she didn't deserve to be treated in that way. Nor did she deserve a tenth of the criticism she received here. It seemed that people were telling her 'admit you are wrong or we will call you self-centred and ignorant'. When the truth is that there are as many men around with whom what she did would have been a big plus as there are those with whom it would have been a no-no.

Moomoo1

HellFireClub wrote: »

This ties in very well with the previous point I was trying to make, which was that I get the strong impression that this in all probability is the latest of a string of misjudged actions and undertakings that have resulted in serious falling-outs with colleagues, friends and partners/potential partners.

You'd do well to learn from this OP and work out a way of being a lot more laid back, less hasty and headstrong, and diplomatic, not from your own perspective but from the perspective of others. I'd go as far to say that maybe you should run these kind of notions past someone else like a good friend for a while before you try something like this again and fully commit yourself to being bound by their wisdom with regard to your intentions, should you wish to surprise someone in this way again, because you don't sound like the type of person who takes on board feedback at all after the fact, which means you cannot be learning from your mistakes, and that's why I'd suggest a kind of "security layer" of another person who could possibly advise you better before the fact than afterwards...

What she describes in post 1 was not a mistake. Any normal man would have acted _very_ differently. So on what basis do you say, on the evidence of her reaction to this non-mistake in the thread, that she cannot learn from her mistakes?

You just came up with a stinging character description of someone based on the fact that her actions in a 50-50 situations were A as opposed to B? Wow. I think that says a lot more about your ability to jump to conclusions than about the OP.

HellFireClub

Moomoo1 wrote: »

What she describes in post 1 was not a mistake. Any normal man would have acted _very_ differently. So on what basis do you say, on the evidence of her reaction to this non-mistake in the thread, that she cannot learn from her mistakes?

You just came up with a stinging character description of someone based on the fact that her actions in a 50-50 situations were A as opposed to B? Wow. I think that says a lot more about your ability to jump to conclusions than about the OP.

I obviously disagree. This is not a 50-50 situation. This is a high risk situation and an a highly intrusive situation.

Speaking as a guy, a girl who you've been seeing for a fortnight, which to my mind is a possibly 2-3 nights out for drinks yapping and maybe chatting on the phone during the week and getting to know someone, who then manages to manipulate your housemate into leaving a housekey in a jar on the kitchen counter, so that she can then take the key and use it for whatever end she chooses, in this case sneak her way into your house and pursue this completely premature fantasy, this is insane carry on!

If a guy did this, the Gardai would probably be called and everyone in PI would be calling him a FREAK! But when a girl does it under some completely pretensious and false sexual context, the guy is painted as being unreasonable for having an issue with her behaviour???

If the OP had even ran this by the housemate in question who she manipulated into leaving the key behind that she subsequently took out of the house, you'd nearly be inclined to make an allowance for extremely poor judgement... You'd have to ask why she chose to manipulate the housemate for the purpose of obtaining the key by stealth, rather than conferring with him/her to get access by agreement. The reason she didn't is obvious, because in the very back of her mind, she knew well she was stepping well over the boundaries, but like some women do, she reckoned the guy, being a guy, would just see a girl in high heels and a santy hat and throw caution to the wind and run with it. Fair play to this guy for having some conviction and integrity, something that guys often get slated for on this forum and other forums, for not having enough of.

You're talking about two people here who have been in contact a fortnight, I'm not going to rehash my previous opinions on here as to what motivated this, read my previous posts if you want to know what I think the issue is...

By the way, as a guy, I've met them all, I've met the nutters who turn up in your kitchen the next morning pretending to know your mother after you kissed them the previous night outside the nightclub, I've met the nutters who pretend that they've lost their phone in your sitting room, then as they are heading home, asking you to call their number so that their phone will ring and they can "find it", and then they have your number as a missed call in their phone, I've met the nutters who pretend that they have no credit so that they can use your mates phone to get your number...

Unfortunately not all people out there are happy, content and straightforward, there are people out there who are not able to keep things fair and polite and who will use all sorts of tricks to push themselves upon someone who they see as a partner/potential partner and I'm sure as many men do it as women in fairness, I'm speaking as a guy but in fairness to the other gender, I'm sure men are every bit as bad...

ManOfMystery

Whilst I'm fully aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I'm very surprised that some people in here think that what the OP did was absolutely fine, and her guy was out of line for reacting badly.

Let's remember - she is not his long-term girlfriend.

There is no-long standing relationship there, no trust earned, no deep intimate knowledge of each other. They have only been going out a few weeks and as the poster above puts it, based on a typical relationship that probably means they've met a few times for drinks, food, whatever.

For all he knows, she could have a criminal record or anything and hasn't disclosed this to him yet.

Her intentions may have been honourable .................... but unfortunately that's about as useful as a thief telling a judge he was only borrowing the money and planned to return it. Her boyfriend (if you can even call him that) has to form his own opinion on this whole incident, and I can fully understand why he lost the rag.

To those who think she was right, can I ask something. If you've ever been in a longterm relationship, at what point did you give your partner a key to let themselves into your place? At what point did you trust the person enough that you felt they could have access to your home? I bet it wasn't a few weeks into the relationship, and even if it was, the key didn't mean they could come and go freely whenever they chose.

For her to take they key of not just her partner's home but his flatmate, was totally out of line. I'd have reacted the same.

prinz

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Reality is, we all have a POV that we believe is right and defend (in a situation like this there is no right and wrong answer)..

Yes there is. It is not right to take something without permission and essentially break a number of laws in doing it. That's not 'right' no matter how you try to dress it up. So the "right" answer is obviously that the OP shouldn't have gone about it the way she did.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

What she describes in post 1 was not a mistake. Any normal man would have acted _very_ differently..

Wow. I think that's about all I can muster up right now, because you know all "normal" men just think with their crotch and nothing else seems to be the only rationale you could possibly base that comment on. Mind boggling.

Wagon

Hate to say this OP but i'd say let this one die because he isn't interested in you.

You see, any previous experience I have in relationships would be that you want to spend time with the other person. If i was going out with a girl for a few weeks and came home to that I'd have a grin you could hang your fúcking washing on :P I'd be delighted!!

On the other hand, if it was someone who i didn't really like very much then I might react differently. From where I'm sitting, it looks like your man wasn't that interested in you and might have been leading you on for a few handy shags. I can't think of any normal, straight male who would go mental at a girl who he liked for a nice little surprise and then throw her out of the house. It just doesn't make sense. And I'm guessing this isn't something you wouldn't have done if you weren't sure that he liked you as much as you did him. If that's the case, he lied.

Stick the key in his letterbox and then leave the stupid muppet to his own devices. Trust me, any lad who really liked a girl and came home to that wouldn't throw her out.

Fluorescence

Wagon wrote: »

Hate to say this OP but i'd say let this one die because he isn't interested in you.

You see, any previous experience I have in relationships would be that you want to spend time with the other person. If i was going out with a girl for a few weeks and came home to that I'd have a grin you could hang your fúcking washing on :P I'd be delighted!!

On the other hand, if it was someone who i didn't really like very much then I might react differently. From where I'm sitting, it looks like your man wasn't that interested in you and might have been leading you on for a few handy shags. I can't think of any normal, straight male who would go mental at a girl who he liked for a nice little surprise and then throw her out of the house. It just doesn't make sense. And I'm guessing this isn't something you wouldn't have done if you weren't sure that he liked you as much as you did him. If that's the case, he lied.

Stick the key in his letterbox and then leave the stupid muppet to his own devices. Trust me, any lad who really liked a girl and came home to that wouldn't throw her out.

Yeah, it was a brilliant surprise, except for the fact she took the spare key to do it. It's not like it was under a plant or a bin out the front garden; she had to actually borrow the key from the kitchen from her last visit to do this. If she had just asked the flatmate if it was ok or whatever then it would have been amazing. The fact is, she crossed a line from this guy's POV, so...

Surprise = great idea. Method of fulfilling surprise = ill considered at best.

HellFireClub

Wagon wrote: »

On the other hand, if it was someone who i didn't really like very much then I might react differently. From where I'm sitting, it looks like your man wasn't that interested in you and might have been leading you on for a few handy shags. I can't think of any normal, straight male who would go mental at a girl who he liked for a nice little surprise and then throw her out of the house. It just doesn't make sense. And I'm guessing this isn't something you wouldn't have done if you weren't sure that he liked you as much as you did him. If that's the case, he lied.

Stick the key in his letterbox and then leave the stupid muppet to his own devices. Trust me, any lad who really liked a girl and came home to that wouldn't throw her out.

So in your view someone who has some basic integrity as a guy and expects his personal space to continue to be his personal space after a fortnight of dating a girl, is basically gay?!?!? What you appear to be saying is that you yourself wouldn't have been able to have any issue with what she did, you'd actually have no choice whatsoever but to completely run with it because in your head, all these decisions get made in your trousers...

Oryx

As the op has not been back to this thread for a while and it is descending into debate between posters, Im closing the thread.