Christmas Humour

The Hill Billy

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

patmac

Works better with Shay.

Dublin City Council ruled they can't have a nativity scene at the City Hall this year, It wasn't for any religous reasons.....They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

sue_1512

things u can only get away with saying at xmas

* tying the legs together keeps the insides moist
* smother butter all over the breasts
* if i don`t undo my trousers i`ll burst
* stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go
* do you think you will be able to handle all these people at once
* i didn`t expect everyone to come at the same time
* i`m so full i`ve ben gobbling nuts all morning
* its a little dry do u still want to eat it

patmac

sue_1512 wrote: »

things u can only get away with saying at xmas

* tying the legs together keeps the insides moist
* smother butter all over the breasts
* if i don`t undo my trousers i`ll burst
* stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go
* do you think you will be able to handle all these people at once
* i didn`t expect everyone to come at the same time
* i`m so full i`ve ben gobbling nuts all morning
* its a little dry do u still want to eat it

Good first post!