Single women 'on the lookout for a man'

John400

Hi ladies, the title of this thread is self explanatory in itself.! Just a wondering from me.. i hear this phrase being bandied about from time to time that single women are always 'on the lookout for a man', be it at work or when out socially etc.

Do you think that this is generally true?

starlit

Yes. I'm one of them!

red_ice

are these women blind? Every second person around them is a man, be it in work, or socially.

I saw a bunch of men last night in town. They were just standing around talking to each other - not hard to spot them.

I think they should go seek help from their doctors. Theres also a 50/50 chance that hes a man also

spider guardian

they exist, but the best place to look for them is meatspace, ie not here. dammit, for all i know most the ladies posting here could be dudes with their c0cks hanging out. such is darpanet

starlit

red_ice wrote: »

are these women blind? Every second person around them is a man, be it in work, or socially.

I saw a bunch of men last night in town. They were just standing around talking to each other - not hard to spot them.

I think they should go seek help from their doctors. Theres also a 50/50 chance that hes a man also

OP is referring to men who are seen as 'boyfriend/husband' material thats what the term means when a woman is on an lookout for a man! Of course sure nearly everyone meets people men/women etc everyday or most day or most places they go to, its stating the obvious its different when it comes to dating meeting men that way.

red_ice

oh god lol, im such a doofus!

Heres me thinking she only saw girls walkin around lol :pac:

The_Minister

red_ice wrote: »

are these women blind? Every second person around them is a man, be it in work, or socially.

I saw a bunch of men last night in town. They were just standing around talking to each other - not hard to spot them.

I think they should go seek help from their doctors. Theres also a 50/50 chance that hes a man also

red_ice wrote: »

oh god lol, im such a doofus!

Heres me thinking she only saw girls walkin around lol :pac:

I honestly have no idea if you are being sarcastic or not.

Novella

John400 wrote: »

Hi ladies, the title of this thread is self explanatory in itself.! Just a wondering from me.. i hear this phrase being bandied about from time to time that single women are always 'on the lookout for a man', be it at work or when out socially etc.

Do you think that this is generally true?

I dunno about generally, but it certainly isn't true for me. When I was single, I was never on the look out for a man, like ever. I'm not even just saying that. I was perfectly happy single, didn't feel the need to find someone and I was never actively on the look out for a boyfriend. Maybe some women are, but I'm sure just as many aren't.

mikemac

I moved to Belfast on my own on a postgrad. Didn't know a soul so became a lodger with a lady in her early 30's.

She and her friends went on nights out "husband hunting"
I cringed everytime I heard it.

Lia_lia

No.

red_ice

The_Minister wrote: »

I honestly have no idea if you are being sarcastic or not.

im havin a laugh!

Nozebleed

snuggles285 wrote: »

Yes. I'm one of them!

can i ask a question..you dont have to answer of course..im just curious..have you ever asked a guy out on a date? honestly..

rainbow kirby

Not all single women are constantly on the lookout for a man, that's (a) over-generalising and (b) heteronormative.

Princess Peach

I really don't like being single, but I can't say that I'm actively seeking a man. If a guy starts chatting to me, I'll chat back and we'll see how it goes, but I'm never one to make the first move at all. So I would really like a boyfriend, but I'm not really doing much to find one, if you get me!

johnr1

No they're not, Im on the lookout for a woman and they very scarce on the ground - at least where I live....clearly the back end of the beyonds

Dimitri

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Not all single women are constantly on the lookout for a man, that's (a) over-generalising and (b) heteronormative.

Can you elaborate on point....simply because i don't know what it means.

Walls

Dimitri wrote: »

Can you elaborate on point....simply because i don't know what it means.

It means that it is assuming all people are heterosexual and therefore seeking members of the opposite sex. Not all women like men and therefore shouldn't be assumed to be attracted to men.

I remember not really wanting to be in a relationship a lot of the time, usually the most I would have wanted is interesting conversation. Sure, sometimes a person seeks a relationship, but a lot of the time they aren't. Same as men, surely.

John400

Princess Peach wrote: »

I really don't like being single, but I can't say that I'm actively seeking a man. If a guy starts chatting to me, I'll chat back and we'll see how it goes, but I'm never one to make the first move at all. So I would really like a boyfriend, but I'm not really doing much to find one, if you get me!

I get you. I do think that a lot of girls probably have the same attitude as you, they're happy enough being single and if they meet the right guy be it socially or at work then so be it.

Nothing wrong with that really.

I find it interesting when you say 'i'm never one to make the first move at all', i'd guess that generally a lot of girls would be like that anyway.

Discodog

Princess Peach wrote: »

I really don't like being single, but I can't say that I'm actively seeking a man. If a guy starts chatting to me, I'll chat back and we'll see how it goes, but I'm never one to make the first move at all. So I would really like a boyfriend, but I'm not really doing much to find one, if you get me!

You sound like the majority of single Irish women. I think that it is a shame that a girl might see a guy that attracts her but would not make the first move. Whatever happened to Women's Lib & equality ?. I would love it if a woman made the first move.

Feeona

Discodog wrote: »

You sound like the majority of single Irish women. I think that it is a shame that a girl might see a guy that attracts her but would not make the first move. Whatever happened to Women's Lib & equality ?. I would love it if a woman made the first move.

I've done the asking men out thing because I'm aware it takes courage to go up to someone to ask them out and it didn't seem fair to me that men were always expected to do it!

It didn't feel right to do it though. And I started wondering why it didn't feel right. I've been mulling over this for a while so bear with me! A man will usually approach a woman with a view to eventually having children with her (expanding his gene pool, sowing his seed, call it what you will). It's physically and emotionally demanding to carry a child and to give birth. A woman would want to be sure that the man she's carrying for will stick around and support her. If she initially instigated the relationship, she can't be one hundred percent sure he will want to support her through the pregnancy and thereafter.

Maybe I'm way off the mark, and other women don't feel the same. But this rings true for me.

Discodog, you probably weren't looking for in depth analysis , but maybe it has something to do with why men are expected to make the first move (socially speaking)

Maguined

How can anyone commit themselves to sticking around for any potential future children when you don't even know the person?

No one can make such a commitment at such an early stage, asking someone out is merely making a commitment that you are interested in that person and you want to get to know them better to see if that initial interest can lead anywhere.

Wolfe Tone

Feeona wrote: »

I've done the asking men out thing because I'm aware it takes courage to go up to someone to ask them out and it didn't seem fair to me that men were always expected to do it!

It didn't feel right to do it though. And I started wondering why it didn't feel right. I've been mulling over this for a while so bear with me! A man will usually approach a woman with a view to eventually having children with her (expanding his gene pool, sowing his seed, call it what you will). It's physically and emotionally demanding to carry a child and to give birth. A woman would want to be sure that the man she's carrying for will stick around and support her. If she initially instigated the relationship, she can't be one hundred percent sure he will want to support her through the pregnancy and thereafter.

Maybe I'm way off the mark, and other women don't feel the same. But this rings true for me.

Discodog, you probably weren't looking for in depth analysis , but maybe it has something to do with why men are expected to make the first move (socially speaking)

lol wut






Thats a bit off the mark I think!

Oh_Noes

Most men aren't interested in the "on the lookout" type.

Up-n-atom!

Discodog wrote: »

You sound like the majority of single Irish women. I think that it is a shame that a girl might see a guy that attracts her but would not make the first move. Whatever happened to Women's Lib & equality ?. I would love it if a woman made the first move.

I'm a bit like Princess Peach - I'm single and I'd like to meet someone but I never really put myself out there - I want to start trying to make the first move when I meet someone I like - there probably have been situations in the past when I've decided I want to ask someone myself, but then another guy comes along and makes a move, like they generally do, and then I end up with a different guy that I don't necessarily like as much because it's easier!
Anyways, I'm trying to change this - I recently met a guy on a course I was doing that I really liked and I'd decided I was, for once, going to ask him out (at the end of course drinks session) which ended up not happening because of the weather, and now he's moved back West and I'll probably never know what he thinks *sigh!*

I'd be interested to know what guys in general think of girls making the first move...In general, I'm quite comfortable having male friends, so I suppose even when I like someone I'm not very forward about it!

Feeona

Maguined wrote: »

How can anyone commit themselves to sticking around for any potential future children when you don't even know the person?

No one can make such a commitment at such an early stage, asking someone out is merely making a commitment that you are interested in that person and you want to get to know them better to see if that initial interest can lead anywhere.

I certainly wouldnt make a commitment at such an early stage, nor would I expect anyone else to. It's just a theory I have based on my own experiences

The question of why most men are attracted to hour glass figures could also be asked. Or why most women are attracted to broad shouldered, tall men. These physical attributes are usually seen as signs of fertility, and latterly strength. We all pick up on subtle nuances when we're searching for someone we want to spend our lives with. I just think 'who asks who' is is another subtle nuance that's picked up on.

Cavehill Red

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Not all single women are constantly on the lookout for a man, that's (a) over-generalising and (b) heteronormative.

Oh, ffs! Hetero IS the norm. Even the most wildly fantastical surveys only put lesbians at c. 10% of female society.
That word has got to be one of the most loaded, yet meaningless phrases ever concocted by the PC brigade.
As for the OP's post, they're not wrong. There are plenty of women who don't feel complete without a partner, and hence the pursuit of one when they don't have one becomes a main event for them.
Equally, there are plenty of other women for whom this is not the case.

Feeona

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

lol wut

Thanks for that searing insight

Ah it's just my personal opinion based on my own experiences, that's all. Don't ask me for a link!

Maguined

True but I certainly would not take a man willingness to ask a woman out first as a greater indicator that he is a committed loyal person over a man that would not ask.

If anything I would imagine it would be the reverse, I would guess that shy guys statistically would be less likely to be uncommitted men as I think the "players" and other uncommitted men are far more likely to ask women out, they are doing it every weekend in clubs to as many women as they can in one night.

Feeona

Maguined wrote: »

True but I certainly would not take a man willingness to ask a woman out first as a greater indicator that he is a committed loyal person over a man that would not ask.

If anything I would imagine it would be the reverse, I would guess that shy guys statistically would be less likely to be uncommitted men as I think the "players" and other uncommitted men are far more likely to ask women out, they are doing it every weekend in clubs to as many women as they can in one night.

Well if they ask, you've the chance of getting to know them, and thus find out if they're a player or not. If they don't ask, you'll never find out but you'll still be on safe ground.

Maguined

Not really the opportunity to find out if they are committed you just ignore and pass by, you are just willing to spend the time getting to know a guy that asks you out based on the assumption that a shy guy is less likely to commit to you but I am not sure if this assumption is right.

I am not having a go at you and as you said it is just personal opinion as I doubt there is any real statistics so my own personal gut feeling is that the assumption that a man is willing to ask you out is indicative to his capacity to commit is not related in the slightest.

If you like a guy, ask him out and when you get to know him you will learn if he is a committed person or not, just the same as if a man asks you out you will learn if he is committed or not, don't eliminate your options but refusing to ask men you attracted to out.

Wolfe Tone

Feeona wrote: »

Thanks for that searing insight

Ah it's just my personal opinion based on my own experiences, that's all. Don't ask me for a link!

TBH I dont understand how a guy being shy would mean he wouldnt be likely to stay with the woman if she got pregnant!

Feeona

Maguined wrote: »

Not really the opportunity to find out if they are committed you just ignore and pass by, you are just willing to spend the time getting to know a guy that asks you out based on the assumption that a shy guy is less likely to commit to you but I am not sure if this assumption is right.

I am not having a go at you and as you said it is just personal opinion as I doubt there is any real statistics so my own personal gut feeling is that the assumption that a man is willing to ask you out is indicative to his capacity to commit is not related in the slightest.

If you like a guy, ask him out and when you get to know him you will learn if he is a committed person or not, just the same as if a man asks you out you will learn if he is committed or not, don't eliminate your options but refusing to ask men you attracted to out.

I know you're not having a go. It's good to tease it out, it's been rolling around my head for ages!


I personally don't think that men who don't ask women out are less likely to stick around (although it is a valid inference to make). I'm coming from the angle that (specifically) a woman asking a man out is putting herself in the position of not fully knowing if he wants to be with her or not, and thus not knowing if he'll stick around when the going gets tough.

When I asked men out, it didn't feel right. When I stopped doing that, I personally didn't feel like I was limiting my options because asking a man out just wasn't a viable option for me. I've had friends who've asked men out, it worked for them to varying degrees and good for them. But for me, asking a man out was like buying my own Christmas present and wrapping it!

Feeona

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

TBH I dont understand how a guy being shy would mean he wouldnt be likely to stay with the woman if she got pregnant!

If a woman asks a man out, it doesn't necessarily follow that the man is shy. So I don't believe that shy men are more likely to feck off when the going gets tough

Maguined

You are still assuming that a man who asks a woman out is asking her out so he can commit to a relationship and will be there for children, this is simply not true in the slightest, plenty of men will ask a woman out just to sleep with her. Even the committed men who will stick around for children don't want to do that with any person but will only commit to a specific woman after they get to know her so the initial asking out is no clear indication of a mans level of commitment.

I agree with you on your second point, some people prefer the thrill of being asked out by the other party, then again there is also a huge thrill seeing someone you like, taking the courage to go up to that person and to ask them out and have your interest reciprocated. Whichever thrill you prefer yourself is definitely personal preference, I enjoy both but would definitely not rule out one or the other because I felt it infers some level of future commitment.

Discodog

Feeona wrote: »

I'm coming from the angle that (specifically) a woman asking a man out is putting herself in the position of not fully knowing if he wants to be with her or not, and thus not knowing if he'll stick around when the going gets tough.

A guy could easily use the same argument in not asking a girl out. You are on an interesting track in that we now know that what seem like, everyday decisions are actual based on very basic human instincts that relate back to our animal past.

The wonderful Professor Ray Winston showed in his TV series how women chose a man as a potential father & how, once past the menopause, that they use different criteria. He also showed the amazing silhouette test. You make 5 identical "hour glass" silhouettes of a woman & then make one waist 1mm smaller. When you ask men which one they prefer the majority go for the smaller waist. When you ask them why they say that they don't know & just picked one. The 1mm difference is so tiny yet the male brain focuses on it.

I wonder if your feeling that, if he asks you out he will stick around, is based on the inner insecurity that we all possess. In other words if he asks me out he must like me whereas if I ask him out he may say yes just to avoid embarrassment & he may not really like me.

I love the idea of being asked. But then again I think that confidence is a trait that can be attractive to both men & women. So we both like the idea of feeling desired. Plus we are often keen to let someone else take the risk of rejection.

Feeona

Maguined wrote: »

You are still assuming that a man who asks a woman out is asking her out so he can commit to a relationship and will be there for children, this is simply not true in the slightest, plenty of men will ask a woman out just to sleep with her. Even the committed men who will stick around for children don't want to do that with any person but will only commit to a specific woman after they get to know her so the initial asking out is no clear indication of a mans level of commitment.

To me, a man wanting no strings sex would make me feel as uncertain about him as asking him out would. Immediately, I'd be on uncertain ground, and probably wouldn't want to pursue the relationship much further.

Furthermore, a man or woman committing to a single partner after getting to know them is a given. There has to be some initial attraction though for that to happen : initial attraction consisting of looks/personality/whatever's important to you. For me, being asked out is an important aspect of the initial attraction.

Feeona

Discodog wrote: »

I wonder if your feeling that, if he asks you out he will stick around, is based on the inner insecurity that we all possess. In other words if he asks me out he must like me whereas if I ask him out he may say yes just to avoid embarrassment & he may not really like me.

I love the idea of being asked. But then again I think that confidence is a trait that can be attractive to both men & women. So we both like the idea of feeling desired. Plus we are often keen to let someone else take the risk of rejection.

It could be. It's almost like bargaining. We do it everyday (and not only in matters of the heart!) without realising it. Who's willing to show their cards first? Who has more to lose?

Discodog

Feeona wrote: »

It could be. It's almost like bargaining. We do it everyday (and not only in matters of the heart!) without realising it. Who's willing to show their cards first? Who has more to lose?

I agree. But in today's world we don't always want to choose partners purely for breeding so the instinctive behaviour may now be a hindrance.
I just wonder how many potential wonderful relationships never happened because both parties really fancied each other but neither would make the first move.

Also it really does depend on how good we are at giving out the right signals & how good we are at reading them in others. I suspect that the Professor would say that women like the idea of a man asking them out because it shows a lack of fear from possible rejection. But it could also mean that he is an experienced womaniser who is good at chatting up to get his wicked way before moving to the next victim.

Stheno

I first asked my current bf out, we'd been chatting online, and I suggested coffee before I went to a work related evening do.

Two and a bit years later we are very happy

Strangely enough neither of us want kids (he has two) so that never came into it, and I knew it before I asked him out, I don't want kids at all.

He arrived for our date a bit late, and I was on the phone to suppliers arguing, to this day we talk about how he was sure when he walked me down to the place my work do was in that he felt sure he'd never see me again.

That said I'm the same with women I meet online, often suggest a coffee/lunch to get to know those I click with online, so didn't do anything different with the bf really

CathyMoran

I do not think that I was ever on the lookout for a man - the one time I was actively avoiding relatiohships (important year in college) they seemed to be all over me. In the end though I am happy with a man that I fell in love with at first sight (and he did the same), he did not ask me out then but we kept on bumping into one another and got on really well. One evening I was supposed to meet him in college and had to go home early (I left an email with my number) - he rang and after a lot of ups and downs we are happily married.

John400

Up-n-atom! wrote: »

I'd be interested to know what guys in general think of girls making the first move..

If a girl made the first move i'd be quite frankly delighted, most guys would and the blokes who say that they wouldn't be delighted are liars!!

If i met a girl i liked i would ask her out eventually but i would be assessing if i got on with her etc..before i did.

Also eventually asking her out can be quite a daunting prospect. As posters have said it does take courage to do it.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think I've ever "been on the lookout" for a man. In fact all my long term partners arrived on the scene when I'd sworn off men completely and was enjoying the single life.

seenitall

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think I've ever "been on the lookout" for a man. In fact all my long term partners arrived on the scene when I'd sworn off men completely and was enjoying the single life.

Lucky you.

cazzzzz

Princess Peach wrote: »

I really don't like being single, but I can't say that I'm actively seeking a man. If a guy starts chatting to me, I'll chat back and we'll see how it goes, but I'm never one to make the first move at all. So I would really like a boyfriend, but I'm not really doing much to find one, if you get me!

Exactly like me couldn't have said it better!

Princess Peach

I don't mean to say that girl's shouldn't make the first move. I'm just way too shy for that

PK2008

What are the signs? How do you spot one of these 'on the lookout' women?

Ok women dont approach men but how do they go about letting them know they wish to be approached?

Discodog

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think I've ever "been on the lookout" for a man. In fact all my long term partners arrived on the scene when I'd sworn off men completely and was enjoying the single life.

Oh so if she says "I am off men" it does not necessarily mean that she is off men.

Gosh a little more to add to the confusion .

Or does it mean that she is off men like me ?

EricPraline

Feeona wrote: »

I'm coming from the angle that (specifically) a woman asking a man out is putting herself in the position of not fully knowing if he wants to be with her or not, and thus not knowing if he'll stick around when the going gets tough.

No matter what angle I look at this, I can't see how the situation is any different for a man. If what you say is true and a man is asking a woman out, would he not be putting himself in exactly the same position? Does it mean he doesn't know if she'll stick around when the going gets tough - you know, when he loses his job, gets ill, or has difficulties with his family? Or does the going only ever get tough for a woman?

I don't mean to be critical, but to me it sounds like you're not prepared to risk rejection, and would prefer if a man puts himself on the line first. That's fine, but it's a massive leap to say that the success of any relationship during difficult times will depend on who asked whom out months or years before. A few anecdotes don't justify that leap.

Ickle Magoo

Discodog wrote: »

Oh so if she says "I am off men" it does not necessarily mean that she is off men.

Gosh a little more to add to the confusion .

Or does it mean that she is off men like me ?

Well, in my case, it was just I had other things going on in my life that I wanted to concentrate on and a relationship would complicate matters - it wasn't that "men" or a man had done anything wrong.

John400

EricPraline wrote: »

I don't mean to be critical, but to me it sounds like you're not prepared to risk rejection, and would prefer if a man puts himself on the line first.

Personally i don't have any qualms about asking a girl out who i like and i do think that generally probably the majority of Irish girls are traditional when it come to this...in that they expect the guy to do the asking.

Girls who expect the guy to ask them out..aren't actually facing the risk of rejection because the guy has to live with being rejected and as the decision is up to her..it can be a bit of a slap in the face for the bloke if he's not sucessful not to mention potentially embarassing and arkward in the future if he works in the same company as her..also it can be a real embarassment for the guy if the girl is already seeing someone...nightmare scenario.!

In saying that though nothing wrong in the girl refusing the guy if she's not into him.

Feeona

EricPraline wrote: »

I don't mean to be critical, but to me it sounds like you're not prepared to risk rejection, and would prefer if a man puts himself on the line first. That's fine, but it's a massive leap to say that the success of any relationship during difficult times will depend on who asked whom out months or years before. A few anecdotes don't justify that leap.

If I wasn't prepared to risk rejection, I never would have asked anyone out.

I think it's a massive leap to say that I believe that the success of a relationship entirely depends on who asks who out. There are a myriad of factors involved in cultivating a successful relationship, and I think who asks who out is just one of them.