My sons dad...

LegacyUser

I feel like I torture myself at this time of year.

Once again, I sent my sons dad a christmas card, just saying happy christmas from X - in the hope that he might send one back. Of course he never did.
The brief story is that we were in a relationship for four years, I got pregnant, he didn't want the child and has never been involved in his 6yr old sons life.

I know I torture myself. I know my son doesn't feel any of the sadness I feel. I'll never understand why he doen't want to be part of his life, and it always gets to me, particularly at this time of year. How do I cope with this awful feeling, and does it ever go away?

CrazyRabbit

I don't know how someone could completely abandon their own child. Sounds like you and your son are better off without him. Try to forget about him. He's not worth caring about.

Richyd

sorry to hear about your problem. i have the opposite problem. I want to see my kids and i cant. I send them gifts and they get sent back. I agree with the last comment that you should move on for your sons sake and make it a great xmas for him and forget about his father. I think you are just foolng yourself thinking his father will suddenly take interest. he dont deserve to be part of his life. Time for you to move on and enjoy the time with your son they grow up too fast for you to care about someone who dont care about you or his son.. Merry xmas to you and your son.

JDxtra

It's clear he doesn't want to be involved for whatever reason. Don't send any more cards, and don't expect any. It'll be easier.

metrovelvet

Forget about him. You have to accept it. You know like you have to accept you have to pay for the bins or that you can't eat sugar because you are diabetic? Just accept it. Stop torturing yourself over this loser.

LegacyUser

But why am I expected to just 'accept' it, when dads write similar posts to me and are told to fight for their rights?

Every child has the right to know both of their parents. And yet, I'm expected to just get on with my life, and accept that my son doesn't have a father.

If I was a father, writing the same post, I'd be told to fight for my childs right to know his parent. This man and I made this child. Why does he get away, scot free, when I'm left with this agony of rejection?

metrovelvet

unregistered wrote: »

But why am I expected to just 'accept' it, when dads write similar posts to me and are told to fight for their rights?

Every child has the right to know both of their parents. And yet, I'm expected to just get on with my life, and accept that my son doesn't have a father.

If I was a father, writing the same post, I'd be told to fight for my childs right to know his parent. This man and I made this child. Why does he get away, scot free, when I'm left with this agony of rejection?

Because that is their privalege. If the fathers rights brigade were half as interested in the rights of children they would be putting more pressure on the deadbeats to get them to see the pain and devastation they are causing to these children and the damage to community at large. But the father's rights pundits are not interested in that, but in sovreignty over their own children. Its a self interest group, like any other lobby interest group, and they dont want to talk about the irresponsible fathers because they dont think its in their remit. And they dont want to talk about the cascade effect of that negligence and pain.

I agree, its not fair, its not right. But for your own sanity you will have to help your son come to terms with it, accept it and make sure that he is healthy and happy within himself.

Triangle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Because that is there privalege. If the fathers rights brigade were half as interested in the rights of children they would be putting more pressure on the deadbeats to get them to see the pain and devastation they are causing to these children and the damage to community at large. But the father's rights pundits are not interested in that, but in sovreignty over their own children. Its a self interest group, like any other lobby interest group, and they dont want to talk about the irresponsible fathers because they dont think its in their remit. And they dont want to talk about the cascade effect of that negligence and pain.

I agree, its not fair, its not right. But for your own sanity you will have to help your son come to terms with it, accept it and make sure that he is healthy and happy within himself.

Hmm, maybe i'm reading this wrong or understanding it correctly, But they are a collective of fathers with the same thing in common and fighting to correct this injustice. They are not there to fight every injustice - just the one that affects them..... seems straighforward to me.


Now back on topic.

OP - You really need to move on. I was once told to understand the difference between the things I can change and the things I can't change. Then put my energy into the things I can change. This way I'm not needlessly wasting my time.

This guy seems too selfish to understand anything outside of his own feelings - don't waste your time trying to change him.

How Strange

I agree with Triangle, putting your energy into things you can change is far more condtructive than figuratively banging your head off a wall.

Op look at what you have in your life that is good and positive and appreciate it. I don't know why your ex doesn't want to see your/his child but that's the reality of the situation and while you've reached out to him kes constantly rejected you both and you're continuing that cycling of rejection by sending cards etc.

You seem to be still taking this rejection personally after many years and you need to start seeing it not as a rejection of you and your son but his inability to be a dad and then consider all the moments of joy he us missing out on not to mention the love he should have for your son.

Change the way you look at it and you'll change the dynamics.

In the meantime enjoy Christmas with your son. Thats a pleasure and a gift your ex has denied himself.

thenightrider

Richyd if you want to pm me i can have a chat with you i was in the same boat a few years ago but i have sorted it all out best of luck

lynski

I will come in and say i disagree with the others here. I am not in your situation, but someone close to me has been.
I think you need to go with your instinct and your conscience. You need to be able to look your child in the eye in 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs whenever they ask 'did you do all you could to keep my dad in my life?' I would send them recorded delivery or take a photo or a copy and keep them for your child. If it were me or a family member i would actually start sending photos in the cards too and even widen your contact with his family, your son deserves to have you, your family, his dad, his dads family in his life and you need to do whatever makes it easier for you to live with your situation.
BUT in my opinion you need to let go once that card is in the post,control what you can and let go once you have done your bit. I think you should do it for you, not for the response and I would not involve your son. you son already knows that his dad is not around, he does not need to added disappointment each time of no response.
You are an adult and should be able to get on with it after the disappointment, unless there is more to it on your side? and perhaps you want a response not just for your son, but also for you? Can you honestly say that you have no interest in seeing your ex again?
You are right, if a dad came on here and said he sent cards every year to no response he would be told to keep going and all sorts, but not if he was the one with guardianship, i think the advice would be just the same as what you have.
Maybe i am naive, as i am not personally in the situation, but as i said i have watched a child close to me grow up with a disconnected dad and it does hurt them, no matter how much they say it doesn't. Keep doing whatever you need to to keep your conscience clear, once you are sure of your motivations, is my opinion.

Oh an di hope you and your son have a wonderful joy filled christmas and 2011 finds you better able to deal with the disappointment of this situation.

Richyd

thenightrider wrote: »

Richyd if you want to pm me i can have a chat with you i was in the same boat a few years ago but i have sorted it all out best of luck

Hey Sorry but I dont have enough posts to pm you, i need 25 but including this i only have 15. You can email me direct on richardgills@hotmail.com if you want. Your help is much appreciated.

LegacyUser

Firstly, thanks for the replies.

Secondly, I do enjoy my son and have not involved him in this. He has no clue I send his dad a christmas card from him, each year. That's all I've done. 6 cards. I used to enclose a photo, but I haven't since he was four.

I've decided this year is the last year I'll do it. I don't need a record of the cards I sent, nor registered post etc. I sent them to his address, I know it and his dad knows it. I can tell my son in a few years, when the questions begin, that I tried, for six years.

Yes, I do see this as a rejection of me. He dosn't know his son, he's never met him, so how can it be a rejection of him?

I didn't mention that he now lives with someone who has 2 boys herself, and they also have a 2yr old. So while he decided he didn't want his own son (with me,) he had no problem helping someone raise her sons, and then go on to have another boy with her. The irony.

Yes, I get court ordered maintenance, but that's it.

My son just accepts that he has no dad - there are few questions, very few. Like I said in my first post, he doesn't feel any pain of the rejection, not yet anyway, and long may that last.

Thanks for the replies to everyone. On your average day, our life is good. We're quite a happy family ...it's just at this time of year, it gets me down.

Then of course, there was the fact that I hadn't a clue how to set up the Wii from Santa this morning....that didn't help my mood one bit!!
Merry Christmas guys, and thanks.

amiable

Op i agree you shouldn't have to accept it. It isn't fair and i don't envy you.
But you have to decide is someone like that worthy of your son?
Its only you who can resolve this pain. Keep the head up and continue to do the best for your son.

enda1

Its the father's right to not care about whether or not the child comes to full term in my opinion. Its the woman's (mother's) opinion to terminate the pregnancy if she ends up pregnant from my position. So don't expect, OP, that the (biological) father of your child gives a fuck about your negligence to be honest.

You're better off without him and I hope its a lesson to you not to expect fatherly love from a shag....

Das Kitty

enda1 infracted for insulting another poster, civil posting is expected on the parenting forum.

sophia25

I know exactly where you're coming from. My beautiful 2 1/2 yr old daughter has just gone to bed. Not as much as a card from her Dad or his family and we were married, she was planned for and he was in her life for 9 months. He's two other teenagers from his first marriage. I can honestly say i've stopped feeling bitter and hurt. Yes he can go out and drink any night he wants and i know he's back to his philandering ways. But tonight, when i kissed my daughter good night and she said happy chwistmas mammy, well i wouldn't swop him. Yes, he had the liein this morning to nurse his hangover, but i got to see her face light up at the pink motorbike santy brought. I think you're right to make the decision not to send any more cards, as you seem to invest hope in each card you send. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but you will never regret bringing up you son, his father will one day have to acknowledge what he did. I hope you both had a great time anyway and remember it is only one day at the end of the day!

LegacyUser

I'll ignore that moronic comment and say thanks to the rest of you.
I had a truly magical day with him...his face when he received prezzies today was priceless. From the smallest selection box, to the Wii that santa brought - he was so very gratefuly, said please and thank you to everyone and I have to say, I've done a wonderful job with him, all on my lonesome :-).

You're right that I invested emotion in the card - but it was only once a year, and only because that christmassy feeling is all around - when we all begin to feel that life is short etc etc. But that's it...I've done as much as I can, and I'll do no more.

Thanks again guys...hitting the hay now and gonna let him sleep in my bed tonight - ah, you'd have to ;-)

Fittle

Hi Op, I'm in a similar situation and in one of your posts, you said it's a rejection of you (well, that's how you feel) that your sons dad isn't involved.

You really couldn't be more wrong OP.

No doubt, when you were pregnant he blamed you and said he didn't want the child. No doubt he gave the 'I have a right to choose too' argument. And no doubt, he told all and sundry that you are mental and he just can't deal with you....So to some extent, you're right, HE is blaming you. And probably continues to do so.

But ultimately OP, HIS relationship with HIS son is exactly that. HE has chosen not to have a relationship with HIS son, you have no control over that. That is his responsibility, not yours. Seriously, you need to move away from this being about you - you will crack up. You chose to raise the child, he chose not to. You chose to have a relationship with your son. He chose not to have a relationship with his son.

Some day, he might have to answer to his son about why he's done what he's done. He's not answerable to you I'm afraid...let him live his life, telling anyone who'll listen that it's your fault, he didn't want a child blah blah blah. The truth is that argument becomes null and void the second the child is born.

I'd a lovely christmas with myself and my son - he's a treasure and his dad has not been involved from the start either. I was very grateful for that yesterday, as two of my friends rang me, in tears, as santa came to their kids in their dads houses this year - and their mams woke up alone.....I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation, but it made me grateful that my sons dad is not around!!! Best of luck OP.

Klingon Hamlet

OP your son is very lucky to have you, and I'm sure his little heart is full of love for you. Being "rejected" by a bed-hopping deadbeat is a blessing---you two are worth more than that.

luluboo

Op I've been in your shoes to a certain degree in that I split from my kids dad when they were young so they knew him but as time went by he just stopped coming and I have to say I let it wreck my head. I couldn't understand how he could turn up days (not hours) late.*

Best advise I got was to stop trying to figure out why or how he could do what he did. Just take it, put it in a box and put it to one side as You will never be able to get any answer that can satisfy you.*

I know it's a real cliche but time is really a great healer and you do move on. I see my kids now (terrible teens ) and my ex is reaping what he sowed. They see him when it suits them and I keep out of it that way it their decisions.

*Mind you I do get satisfaction when I think how the tables have turned and your kids will know who they can turn to and depend on and that is worth all the years of single parenting!

Vodkat

Does the fathers family know about your son, are they involved? Your son deserves a father, a Mother, Grandparents and extended family from both sides. Are they all agreeing not to be involved?

You sound like you are doing an amazing job on your own and no doubt your son will be extremely proud of you!!!!:D:D

smodgley

well done OP it seems to me that you are doin a superb jobs with you son. its the fathers loss, serves him right
well done to you !!!!!!!

LegacyUser

My ex didn't have a good relationship with his own family, so even when we were together, I hardly knew them. But yes, my son has grandparents and aunts and uncles etc, none of whom have ever contacted me. I have a family member in a similar situation to me though, and I've never tried to contact that child or his mother, due to the fact the dad has insisted we don't, so I guess you just don't know what my ex has told his family about me...if indeed, he's even told them anything. But they do know about my son.

We don't live far from my sons other family - in fact, I sometimes see his aunt and uncle locally, but they've never acknowledged me or my son, nor I them.

Who knows what he's said about me. Perhaps they've decided not to involve themselves at his request, or as I said, he didn't have a good relationship with them, so they probably chose not to have a relationship with his son.

Again, anoter question ill never know the answer to...

lucylu19

I felt I had to reply. I myself have never met my "father" so I appreciate that you are trying to do what you think is best for your son. I think there is really nothing more that you can do and would now leave it until you son grows up and starts asking questions.

My mother raised me on her own and worked hard for what she had and that made me appreciate her. I never once wondered about had she tried to contact him, I just accepted that he didn't want to know me and that he had moved on and had a new family.
My mother was always with me and that's all you can do. I never felt rejected because I was loved by the people that mattered.

People always ask me would you not like to meet him (and I'm sure I can find him as I met my uncle and his other brother knows my aunt) but I have no interest at all.. I would have nothing to gain from meeting him. 28 years later.. what would be the point! And that is honestly how I feel. I happy with my life and don't need or ever needed a father figure in my life - It's probably made me stronger!

But I would just like to say - you are doing your best and you son will love you and respect you for doing that. If his father does not want to be involved then that's his loss..Don't waste anymore time thinking about this "waster", you've done all you can.

Fittle

lucylu19 wrote: »

I felt I had to reply. I myself have never met my "father" so I appreciate that you are trying to do what you think is best for your son. I think there is really nothing more that you can do and would now leave it until you son grows up and starts asking questions.

My mother raised me on her own and worked hard for what she had and that made me appreciate her. I never once wondered about had she tried to contact him, I just accepted that he didn't want to know me and that he had moved on and had a new family.
My mother was always with me and that's all you can do. I never felt rejected because I was loved by the people that mattered.

People always ask me would you not like to meet him (and I'm sure I can find him as I met my uncle and his other brother knows my aunt) but I have no interest at all.. I would have nothing to gain from meeting him. 28 years later.. what would be the point! And that is honestly how I feel. I happy with my life and don't need or ever needed a father figure in my life - It's probably made me stronger!

But I would just like to say - you are doing your best and you son will love you and respect you for doing that. If his father does not want to be involved then that's his loss..Don't waste anymore time thinking about this "waster", you've done all you can.

Can I just say lucy, that I'm in a similar situation to the OP,and your mother - and hand on heart, my biggest wish is that my son grows up feeling as you do:). It's really wonderful to hear the success story of women who parent alone - you are the proof that it can be done brilliantly. So often, we only hear the crime stats etc, and alot of children of single parents ending up in prison or in trouble of sorts. We seldom hear of stories like yours - I'm truly delighted to read it and it give me much, much hope for my son:). So thank you for posting!

littlebitdull

I know I am coming in late on this thread, but I had read it when it was new and felt I had nothing much to add.

I had been thinking about this situation this week, the sending of a christmas card for years without acknowledgment of any type.

Could it be that your son's father is not actually recieving the cards? Could it be possible that he knows nothing about these cards? You say he is living with another woman and they are rearing a family together. . . its always possible she opens the christmas cards and simply discards your one.

When he 'took up' with her, he may have told her how you 'never understood him', and you 'tricked' him into getting you pregnant. And she now feels your only trying to distroy the family they have created?

I'm not saying as how its actually true. But its another angle and its always possible. Under it all he could actually have a wish that he could have had some form of contact with the child.

paulosham

unregistered wrote: »

I feel like I torture myself at this time of year.
I know I torture myself. I know my son doesn't feel any of the sadness I feel. I'll never understand why he doen't want to be part of his life, and it always gets to me, particularly at this time of year. How do I cope with this awful feeling, and does it ever go away?

Speaking as a child who has been abandoned by his father, it seems to me that you also feel abandoned. I know that when my father left, my mother fell into a depression that lasted years. What you have to do is concentrate on you and your son. I'm not saying that you don't already but you have to forget about this coward and move on with your life. When you son is older and if he wants to make contact with his father then he can do so. At the moment all you can do is answer any questions he has about his father and love him. Regarding the fact that you ex doesn't want to be a part of his son's life, the only thing I can say is that some people can just do that, it's a cold, sad fact of life. This feeling does go away but it takes time and work. If it is really affecting you then maybe you should talk to a doctor about how you feel. Now is a time to move on, and what better time to start than the first day of a new year. You should not be the one torturing yourself.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. Firstly, he did get the cards - he mentioned them in court the last time we were there for maintenance. The judge asked him if he even knew what his child looked like and he replied, that yes, I had sent him some photos (the only photos being the one I put in each xmas card). The judge suggested that we go to a mediator so that he could develop a relationship with his son - he refused.

you're probably right that I do feel abandoned myself. I spent the first few years of my sons life in a bit of a fog if Im honest - also had post-natal - and it was only when he was about three that I started to accept that his dad didn't give a cr!p.

Like I said, I won't be sending anymore cards - 2010 was the last one. I will do what you've all suggested and work on accepting the fact that it's just me and my son, and we;re all the better for it. I've been honest with my son from the start, and he doesn't feel any pain just yet - as someone else said, it's me who feels it.

That 'feeling' has passed now anyway - it's a new year today and it's time for me to move on and make the best of our lives, which I do everyday anyway. thanks again for your advice.

greengirl31

I haven't read all the replies to your Post but I thought I'd give you my point of view...
I have a little girl of 3 who is the light of my life - Like your son, she was planned and I was over the moon to find out I was pregnant and I thought her dad was too but to cut a long story short he left me just before she was born and has little or no contact with her. For the first couple of years, I tortured myself trying to get him to show some interest in her. I kept all the txts and mails I sent him asking him to see her. He'd always tell me that he'd love to see her and he'd try to arrange something for next weekend - something always came up and he couldn't make it. I made an effort with his parents too but I got a similar response from them. Around the time of her 2nd Birthday, I sat down and had a talk with him and told him that he either was part of her life or he wasn't but I couldn't have him flitting in and out whenever he felt like it. That even if his circumstances changed in the years to come, that the door was always open and I'd never stop him from seeing her but he had to be consistent if he ever decided to change his mind. while having this Talk I wanted to beat him over the head for being such a Idiot(and I'm being very polite with that) but I never wanted our bad relationship to be an excuse for him not to see his daughter.
From My point of view, it breaks my heart that her own flesh and blood want nothing to do with my beautiful, delightful little girl but I'd rather that he stayed away than for her to be waiting at the door for him to come and see her and for him not to show up. I also think that it's better for me to be able to say that I gave him every encouragement to see her but he didn't rather than I begged him - I'm sure that would sound worse to her when she is old enough to ask the questions. It also means that I don't have to see him. When we split up I was devastated by his rejection of both me and our Daughter but Lots of therapy has made me realise that I'm better off without that sort of horrible person in mine or my daughters life.
From your posts, You sound very similar to me and How I viewed my situation but the more I thought about it - and believe me it was alot - My Ex isn't a good role model for my daughter and while if he was a good man I'd be delighted for him to be part of her life but he's not so now it doesn't bother me that much. I send the odd photo to him via txt and I send his parents photos a couple of times a year. This is not to spur them on to come to see her but more to spite them and to show them what they're missing out on.
Like one of the other posters said, I wouldn't swap with him for the world - he may have his "freedom" but I have our little girl and when she tells me "I love you Mammy" when I least expect it, it brightens my day like I bet his never could be. So my advice to you would be to move on - Your Son's dad doesn't want to have a relationship with your son and you can't force that. And it doesn't seem like he'd be a positive influence on your son anyway. Focus on you and your son's life together and try to put his dad out of your mind - I know it's not fair but unfortunately that's the way some things are.
Good Luck
A x

RIRI

I'm really sorry for your situation OP.
But I think you should continue to send xmas cards, at keat you will know you did what you could - regardless of whether or not your son's Dad responds.

Very best of luck to you & the little man
RIRI