Babys last name

Das Kitty · 11-01-2011 8:57am

R_H_C_P wrote: »

Might aswell ask it here while this topic is going on last names.

If you had a baby with your ex and you then broke up before the baby was born should the child still have he's last name? Or just up the mother and father's agreement?

It's whatever you both agree.

amiable · 11-01-2011 9:03am

Das Kitty wrote: »

It's whatever you both agree.

Agreed. But unfortunately its not always that easy cos egos and emotions and stubborness gets in the way on both sides occassionally.
Magic wand anyone?

CK2010 · 11-01-2011 1:16pm

amiable wrote: »

Agreed. But unfortunately its not always that easy cos egos and emotions and stubborness gets in the way on both sides occassionally.
Magic wand anyone?

that is true, however raising a child is full of huuuuge decisions, the name is just (more often than not the first) one of many and if parents are going to refuse to compromise or decide together on the name then i reckon they're going to find the next 18 years of decisions very difficult to agree on too! im not saying its easy or that its a trivial issue but there are so many more issues to come- baptising or not, what school to go to, the correct way to discipline the child, the list is endless, and some they'll agree on and others they wont, so they should start compromising now.

amiable · 11-01-2011 1:20pm

CK2010 wrote: »

that is true, however raising a child is full of huuuuge decisions, the name is just (more often than not the first) one of many and if parents are going to refuse to compromise or decide together on the name then i reckon they're going to find the next 18 years of decisions very difficult to agree on too! im not saying its easy or that its a trivial issue but there are so many more issues to come- baptising or not, what school to go to, the correct way to discipline the child, the list is endless, and some they'll agree on and others they wont, so they should start compromising now.

Very good post imo. I'd agree with all that

Mr. Presentable · 11-01-2011 1:28pm

There is another compromise.

One of the parent's surnames could be used as a Forename.

Kelly Murphy, eg

O'Shaughnessy Doyle, eg

Or, one parent chooses the forename and the other the surname

metrovelvet · 11-01-2011 1:47pm

I have yet to come across another country that gives their kids double barelled names.

In the US the double barrel is reserved for the married modern woman.

I like the idea of one of the names being used as a middle name as I have just received ANOTHER piece of post addressed to "MRS DOUBLE BARRELL' and it didnt put a smile on my face.

Jinxi · 11-01-2011 2:31pm

I have my fathers surname. I may have taken it for granted but it means alot to me now. It tells a story of where I come from, and I think children love a sense of belonging.
Not that a name ONLY give this but when I say my name where I come from, people know of me and my family. I regret that my mothers surname isn't in my name. I am really proud of both families and that particular surname may die out in this generation.
I am not married to my partner and we both agreed that our child will be X "my surname"-"his surname".
I hope my child will like the small bit f heritage that comes with our joint family names. I also know that they will probably drop my name as they age for their convienience. And that ok too. It is their name afterall. And thay can do with it what they like!

ebmma · 12-01-2011 6:54pm

it's funny how you're committed enough for a long term relationship, a child and a house but not for marriage.

for what it's worth we married at 21 and 24. no house, but a child several years later with his fathers' surname.

Jinxi · 12-01-2011 8:07pm

Been together 11 years. As you say, we are committed enough. But If we ever were to spend a fortune on such an antiquated ceremony, I would still keep my name. As I said, it means alot to me. As I hope my kids name means alot to them!

pickarooney · 13-01-2011 12:29pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I have yet to come across another country that gives their kids double barelled names.

In the US the double barrel is reserved for the married modern woman.

I like the idea of one of the names being used as a middle name as I have just received ANOTHER piece of post addressed to "MRS DOUBLE BARRELL' and it didnt put a smile on my face.

Spain, Portugal, most of Latin America... they don't use hyphens but they take a name from each parent. When they in turn have kids these kids get one name from each parent. It's not the hardest thing in the world to understand but it seems to absolutely flabbergast people when you suggest double-barrelling and they imagine a world filled with people having 64 last names

Also, my OH (French) and all her family have one, with a hyphen and it's rife amongst the British chattering classes.

Penny Dreadful · 13-01-2011 2:47pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I have yet to come across another country that gives their kids double barelled names.

In the US the double barrel is reserved for the married modern woman.

I like the idea of one of the names being used as a middle name as I have just received ANOTHER piece of post addressed to "MRS DOUBLE BARRELL' and it didnt put a smile on my face.

Lots of counties do the double barrell name thing. In Spain it is very common for children to have both the mother's and father's surname. For everyday usage it is generally shortened but on all official documentation both names are there.

ebmma · 13-01-2011 5:22pm

Jinxi wrote: »

Been together 11 years. As you say, we are committed enough. But If we ever were to spend a fortune on such an antiquated ceremony, I would still keep my name. As I said, it means alot to me. As I hope my kids name means alot to them!

marriage is not a ceremony, wedding is. there's a lot more to marriage than a wedding. And you don't have to spend a fortune if you don't want to. our wedding plus honeymoon cost us around 2k in 2007.
but it's whatever is important t you. personally, i prefer wedding without children. to me it is a celebration of the couple.
it's all about communication within the couple and whatever they are both happy with.

i happily changed my surname because - it sounds better this way and my relationship with my father is not great so no desire to carry family name.
however i can completely understand wanting to keep your name if it has special significance.

sorry about lack of proper capital letters, etc. have a sleeping baby on my lap.

Jinxi · 13-01-2011 5:49pm

ebmma, I really didn't intend to take this thread off topic. But I felt I had to respond to your remark about my level of committment to my partner, and our choice to have a child. It was franklly, mean spirited and completely out of line. I really don't care about what you think of weddings, how much they cost, or who should attend them. Go start a thread somewhere if you want to get others opinions on that.

As I said, i want our child to have both our names, regardless of marital status. As someone said already as happens in spain, I assume later they will shorten it for convienience sake!

ebmma · 13-01-2011 5:56pm

hey calm down! I wasn't trying to be mean, my original comment was about op's situation not yours. I only mentioned cost of weddings because you refered to antiquated ceremony that costs a fortune. I pointed out that it's not about ceremony it's about other things. including for example next of kin, guardianship rights, etc etc.

did you read my comment at all?

'it's all about communication within the couple and whatever they are both happy with.

i happily changed my surname because - it sounds better this way and my relationship with my father is not great so no desire to carry family name.
however i can completely understand wanting to keep your name if it has special significance.

edit:
i see where the confusion came from - I replied to OP without reading comments 1st as the thread is long. my comment happened to show up immediately after yours. sorry, i see how you thought it was mean

Jinxi · 13-01-2011 6:05pm

Sorry ebmma. I think our wires were crossed!

ztoical · 13-01-2011 6:13pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I have yet to come across another country that gives their kids double barelled names.

As others have pointed out it is the norm in countries like Spain and Portugal and most Latin American countries. It's also common in countries like Iceland for the surname to be a combination of one the parents first name and in parts of Russia you get two names, the fathers name and the family name. In countries like Japan the couple would use the family name of which ever partners family was of higher standing so it could be either the man or womans family and in Mongolia traditionally they don't have surnames.

snuggles09 · 16-01-2011 6:19pm

two of my daughters have double barralled names on their birth certificate but they don't use them in real life..they all go by my name as my first daughter is from a previous relationship and i didn't want 2 of them having one surname and the other one having a different one, i wanted them all the same

it's worked out for us in that when we get married later in the year i don't need to do anything about changing their name as they can go by either or as their names are double barralled and we can all just use my husbands surname..will only have to get one name changed "properly" but they will all go by my new married name

when they ask why they havent daddys name i tell them that all children have their mothers name and that was that

edited to add: I've seen friends having to change their childrens names by deed poll bacl to their own surname haven given them the fathers name only for him to run off and leave and have nothing to do with the children. I'd personally would never give my children their fathers name unless we had the committment of marriage behind us and were together for a long long time.

Jinxi · 16-01-2011 9:50pm

You see this is where I would differ. I think no matter how my partner and my relationship turns out, my child will have his name(and mine) because its to do with THEIR identity.
Also, I personally think, that giving them a surname of a step parent after the age of 3/4 would be really confusing for a child. It could make them feel like they are betraying their father. Its different when a child can choose to take a surname or not.

snuggles09 · 16-01-2011 10:17pm

Jinxi wrote: »

You see this is where I would differ. I think no matter how my partner and my relationship turns out, my child will have his name(and mine) because its to do with THEIR identity.
Also, I personally think, that giving them a surname of a step parent after the age of 3/4 would be really confusing for a child. It could make them feel like they are betraying their father. Its different when a child can choose to take a surname or not.

then there are those men who abandon their children and are nothing more than sperm donors who's kids will have a way better life for NOT knowing them..there are 2 sides to every coin i suppose..each circumstance is different

20-01-2011 2:38pm

I always think the easiest solution is to just use both surnames as a double-barrell but without hyphenating them - eg

"John Smith Jones" instead of "John Smith-Jones"

Then, the child can legally be known by the full double barrell, or by either surname, e.g.

John Smith Jones
John Smith
John Jones

and when they are old enough, instead of the parents squabbling over whose name is more important, the person who actually has to live with the name, gets to decide what they want to be known by, or indeed, if they want to use both names, they can do that too.

Nor does what they are known by, depend on the status of their parent's relationship!

/row

Nutgrover · 24-01-2011 3:31pm

This is an important issue for a man, I agree. Giving up on his child's name is far heavier prestige cost than for a woman, I'd say.

Me and my wife agreed that:
1. She keeps her last name after marriage.
2. Our children bear my last name.

For ages children were inheriting their father's name. It meant that male offspring will carry the family name through next generations. A simple solution. This is a historical argument. I think it would be easier if you were married. Ask her if so. And if she'd agree to keep her name and give yours to your children.

By all means discuss it with her calmly and don't let it harm your relationship. All in all, it is more valuable than a name?

Let us know how it got resolved.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-01-2011 7:10pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I always think the easiest solution is to just use both surnames as a double-barrell but without hyphenating them - eg

"John Smith Jones" instead of "John Smith-Jones"

Then, the child can legally be known by the full double barrell, or by either surname, e.g.

John Smith Jones
John Smith
John Jones

This is what I came on to say, if the surname us double barrelled AND hyphenated, the hyphenated name must be used on all legal documents. If it's not hyphenated, either or both can be used. It also gives the children/parents the option of using 1 name in the event of marriage (and the mother deciding to change her name obviously)

26-01-2011 2:42pm

Just being devil's advocate really, (and a bit curious) but how many men would actually consider changing their surname to their wife's family name after marriage?

Is it "written" anywhere, that the female spouse should always be the spouse to change name?

And if the children having the mother's name is an issue for a man, this could be another option for them to think about!

I know of two men personally, who took on their wife's family name, to prevent the names from "dying out"...

Dades · 26-01-2011 3:11pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Just being devil's advocate really, (and a bit curious) but how many men would actually consider changing their surname to their wife's family name after marriage?

In all honesty, not in a million years.

(My wife kept her name and it doesn't bother me in the least).

Babys last name

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