Father of autistic child looking for access after ten years

darced

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January

If he applies through the courts it's very likely that he'll get at least supervised access.

What are his reasons for coming back into the child's life now? When are you going to tell him your child has special needs? Is he paying maintanence? And has he been all along?

ebbsy

Morally he has no rights.

darced

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Fittle

Unfortunately OP, a judge may not be given the full facts when the access order is applied for.

Your ex will apply for access through the courts, and will probably get it. The judge will only get the full facts on the court date.

In my experience, and I've been to court four times and each time, with a solicitor (for maintenance), I was given very little time to state my case and that of my sons. My ex, on the other hand, chatted away to the judge for about 20 minutes, each time. I was allowed to state the financial facts, and discouraged from going into any further details by both my solicitor and the judge.

having said that, in each case, it was for maintenance, so access cases might be different. But from what I can gather, your ex will just file an access order and you will both turn up on a certain date, and state your case on that date (and not before).

Others may have better advice for you OP - best of luck, whatever happens.

Nevyn

It will depend on a whole range of factors.
Why haven't you explained to him about the child's condition?

darced

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cynder

At the end of the day he is the child's father, he may run a mile or he might face up to it. Autistic kids don't like the routine being changed, but slow introduction would not be a hugh intrusion, and the child should adapt.


You should make him aware that his son is autistic and what that means, as each autistic child is different.

You would feel that he has no right as he left you both and you obviously must have had a hard time, its not easy being told you child has autism.

seamus

darced wrote: »

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In that case, you may be jumping the gun to assume that he's going to be unreasonable about the situation.

It would be worth meeting with him (without your child or partner) to explain the situation. The guy is likely to know little or nothing about autism and so will need it explained from the ground up.

You are also due an explanation from him as to why he feels that it's appropriate to get involved now. Most likely his guilt has come back to haunt him and he realises what he's lost, but that doesn't make it OK for him to swan back into it.

Approach it initially from the point-of-view that the child's father is getting in contact because he now wants to make amends - you have no reason to assume otherwise. If he's looking to do right by the child, then he should be reasonable when you explain the situation.

cynder

darced wrote: »

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You must have knew him well enough before, you must have been close at one point its not like he is a total stranger.


Only yesterday i found a friend on facebook that i had not seen in over 16 years, im now friends with half of the family and were catching up like no tomorrow.

sorry got to go my son needs me but ill finish what im saying later.

Dilbert75

My first thought is that if he wants to be part of your child's life, then he's got to be serious about it, whether or not the child is autistic. With rights come responsibilities - he certainly has the right to be part of your child's life but he has massive responsibilities as well - financial as well as emotional. Last thing you want is him spending a couple of weeks getting to know your child and then pi$$ing off when he realises that parenting, of any kid, is not easy.

One side of me would like to say to him "prove to me you're serious, prove to me you deserve my trust and that of my child - maintenance @€;100/week x the last 10 years = €52000 - show me that, convince me that you'll be around for the next 10 and then we'll talk".:o If he shows any willingness to engage, then maybe he's worth keeping an open mind about.

But my knowledge of someone else's very similar situation (except for the autism) in the past was that it was one attempt to make contact and nothing since. Its almost like it was a temporarily guilty conscience that healed itself.

LegacyUser

Hi

I also have a child with special needs. Get all the medical reports about your child, explaining Autism and his extra needs so that should you have to go to court you have these to show to the judge. You need it in writing explaining how your child does not tolerate changes in his routine too well.

Ive been there several times and you really don't have much time in front of the judge to state your case so make sure you have the main points wrote down so you can address them with the judge.

As others have said I would try and meet with your ex to get an explanation of how he and you would like to proceed regarding access to your child. Be prepared for him to have his head in the sand regarding your sons issues though or he may even surprise you and face it like a man. Nobody knows though until you give him that chance.

darced

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erictheviking1

Dilbert75 wrote: »

My first thought is that if he wants to be part of your child's life, then he's got to be serious about it, whether or not the child is autistic. With rights come responsibilities - he certainly has the right to be part of your child's life but he has massive responsibilities as well - financial as well as emotional. Last thing you want is him spending a couple of weeks getting to know your child and then pi$$ing off when he realises that parenting, of any kid, is not easy.

One side of me would like to say to him "prove to me you're serious, prove to me you deserve my trust and that of my child - maintenance @€;100/week x the last 10 years = €52000 - show me that, convince me that you'll be around for the next 10 and then we'll talk".:o If he shows any willingness to engage, then maybe he's worth keeping an open mind about.

But my knowledge of someone else's very similar situation (except for the autism) in the past was that it was one attempt to make contact and nothing since. Its almost like it was a temporarily guilty conscience that healed itself.

Totally agree with this. With rights come responsibilities!

cynder

darced wrote: »

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Its something you need to work out with your sons dad. I would meet your ex first and talk things through, (not sure if your son would understand that his biological dad has come to visit him) so keep it simple. You being there when they first meet would be advisable and maybe at your own home as not to upset your sons routine. This could go on for months until they have bonded. As i said before each child with autism is different and it depends how much the child understands so my advice is take baby steps to begin with.

It most cases it is good for a child to know his father

fiona stephanie

Hiya,

Cases like this make my blood boil! Im all for Fathers rights, I believe all children have the right to know who there father is and to have a relationship with their Dads, but seriously what gives this man the right to have access to a child that he left as a baby and has had no contact with in 10 years.. Regardless of the autism this would affect any child, especially as all his life he has only known one man as his Daddy, the man that has been there with him through everything to date!
I dont undertand how a parent can walk out of a childs life and 10 years later expect to just walk back in! I would feel exactly the same if that parent was the mother btw!

In regards to the courts hun, they have a very one sided view, and your ex will most probably get access granted, it may be supervised at first due to your sons circumstances. You and your ex will have to agree on a place of supervision, that may be a relative of yours or his for instance! Access may be for 2 or 3 hours, 1 day a week.

I hope things work out for you, i understand you may be upset at this time. Good luck x

up for anything

grindelwald wrote: »

You must have knew him well enough before, you must have been close at one point its not like he is a total stranger.


Only yesterday i found a friend on facebook that i had not seen in over 16 years, im now friends with half of the family and were catching up like no tomorrow.

That is too simplistic and completely different to the OP's situation. You didn't have a child with that friend and since then no contact!

I have a friend who has an autistic son and I see from her what an uphill, achingly tiring, constant struggle it can be, although rewarding in some ways. All you can do is meet with him and I would suggest taking your partner along with you, not as a threat/fighting tactics but simply for your support and because he is the 'actual' father of your child so has every right to be involved with any decisions taken - biological rights bedamned.

planetX

As others have said - you get very little time on the day, and some judges are not prone to listening. Definitely arm yourself now with all the paperwork relating to your sons condition, and write a summary to present to the judge (make copies for the other party also). You really need to go in prepared - but you will not be able to stop access, if he sticks around this time.

cynder

planetX wrote: »

As others have said - you get very little time on the day, and some judges are not prone to listening. Definitely arm yourself now with all the paperwork relating to your sons condition, and write a summary to present to the judge (make copies for the other party also). You really need to go in prepared - but you will not be able to stop access, if he sticks around this time.

Is there any need for that!

His not asking for custody. The child has a right to know his father, if the child is unable to comprehend that he has another biological dad then at least the child should be able to meet the guy and form a friendship.

My brother who want autistic met his dad for the first time when he was 10 he always knew my dad wasn't his dad (my mother divorced him when my brother was a baby). His dad had very little contact with him over the years, he would see him less than once a year and would send gifts now and then, not every xmas or birthday. If you look at my brothers wedding photos my dad and his dad are side by side in the photos, both families together at the head table. My brother is now 35 and still has very little to do with his biological dad, but he knows who his dad is and he knows all is dads children (his other brothers and sisters).

My point is that i know your trying to protect your child from the unknown (the father running off again), but what if he can form a friendship with his dad and possible half brothers and sisters, thats good not bad.. I know you say he is autistic, but at the end of the day he is that mans son and they both a right to get to know each other.

I really wish you the best and that you can find something that you are all happy with.

cynder

up for anything wrote: »

That is too simplistic and completely different to the OP's situation. You didn't have a child with that friend and since then no contact!

.

My point being that she did at one time know him, so he is not a total stranger.

As in my point that i got in contact with old friends. I would not class them as total strangers as i knew them 15 years ago.

If she said the baby was a result of a one night stand to a total stranger it would be different, but they had a relationship which means he is not a total stranger, and to say she doesnt know him is an excuse.

syklops

I am not a parent(yet), but I think you are all getting a head of yourselves talking about judges and solicitors.

First off, if this guy ran at the sight of nappies, there is a decent chance that the sight of a kid with special needs will make him run again. 10 years down the line he may be carrying a romantic view of being a single Dad. Of taking the kid to McDonalds on a Saturday afternoon, and talking about the struggle of being a part-time father to the many attractive single women in his office. Its a nice thing to ponder about if you have no experience of being a dad.

OP, tell him about your child's individual needs. Maybe give him a DVD explaining autism in depth and detailing the type of care he may need to give to the child. Don't be soft in explaining the harsh details. I don't know if your child suffers from any bedwetting issues, or other toilet-related issues. If he does, or did in the past, but tell the Dad about it if so.

If the thought of putting a nappy on a 6-inch long, 4-pound baby was enough for him to run to the hills, the thought of doing same to a 4 foot tall, 10 year old boy might make him do a Linford Christie impression.

If after hearing all that, he still wants to be involved, then his feelings of guilt and love may be genuine, but he may be a little bit more pliable about meeting and spending time with the kid, maybe to the extent that you can agree for him to spend time with the child without the need for it going to court.

Good luck OP, its a very difficult situation. Let us know how you get on!

Jinxi

OP, the main focus on the court is what is right for the child. They will have to balance the RIGHT of your son to see his father(this will be the basis for the fathers argument, therefore his past indescrections will take a back seat) and the RIGHT of your son not to be caused any due distress by his need for routine.
It is likely that the father will get some sort of access. If I were you, I would use your time to speak to the judge carefully. The all differ, but they all tend to be turned off by mothers ranting about the fathers past behaviour. Make sure your son is at the centre of your argument and the distress that any changes in routine cause. Push for limited supervised access in the childs home environment. Most judges will understand the importance of this, as long as the condition is documented and you have a doctors/psychologists letter to say how your son would react to change

metrovelvet

syklops wrote: »

I am not a parent(yet), but I think you are all getting a head of yourselves talking about judges and solicitors.

First off, if this guy ran at the sight of nappies, there is a decent chance that the sight of a kid with special needs will make him run again. 10 years down the line he may be carrying a romantic view of being a single Dad. Of taking the kid to McDonalds on a Saturday afternoon, and talking about the struggle of being a part-time father to the many attractive single women in his office. Its a nice thing to ponder about if you have no experience of being a dad.

OP, tell him about your child's individual needs. Maybe give him a DVD explaining autism in depth and detailing the type of care he may need to give to the child. Don't be soft in explaining the harsh details. I don't know if your child suffers from any bedwetting issues, or other toilet-related issues. If he does, or did in the past, but tell the Dad about it if so.

If the thought of putting a nappy on a 6-inch long, 4-pound baby was enough for him to run to the hills, the thought of doing same to a 4 foot tall, 10 year old boy might make him do a Linford Christie impression.

If after hearing all that, he still wants to be involved, then his feelings of guilt and love may be genuine, but he may be a little bit more pliable about meeting and spending time with the kid, maybe to the extent that you can agree for him to spend time with the child without the need for it going to court.

Good luck OP, its a very difficult situation. Let us know how you get on!

I totally agree with this. I think it's jumping the gun to start thinking about solicitors and judges at this stage. My guess is there is a high probability he wont have much interest in the child once he hears of the autism.

It's anyone's guess why someone wants to see their child after ten years of abandonment, could be anything from genuine remorse to mild curiosity to a twang of a morality that will quickly fade again.

It might not hurt to speak with him first. AFter ten years, you are out of date with each other and a lot of water has passed under the bridge. It might be a good idea to put out some feelers first before getting your son involved.

Jinxi

metrovelvet wrote: »

I totally agree with this. I think it's jumping the gun to start thinking about solicitors and judges at this stage. My guess is there is a high probability he wont have much interest in the child once he hears of the autism.

It's anyone's guess why someone wants to see their child after ten years of abandonment, could be anything from genuine remorse to mild curiosity to a twang of a morality that will quickly fade again.

It might not hurt to speak with him first. AFter ten years, you are out of date with each other and a lot of water has passed under the bridge. It might be a good idea to put out some feelers first before getting your son involved.

Yes but alot can happen in ten years. Speaking personally, ten years ago I was an idiot. Now I still am but I know it!
The father could have needed ten years to grow up. It still doesn't negate the right of the son to know his father, even if he is a useless one. Depending on the severity of the autism, the child may completely comprehend that the man is his father. Indeed alot of children with autism are of high intelligence.

metrovelvet

Jinxi wrote: »

Yes but alot can happen in ten years. Speaking personally, ten years ago I was an idiot. Now I still am but I know it!
The father could have needed ten years to grow up. It still doesn't negate the right of the son to know his father, even if he is a useless one. Depending on the severity of the autism, the child may completely comprehend that the man is his father. Indeed alot of children with autism are of high intelligence.

Im not arguing the son's the right to know his father, but the issue of whether the father will honor his son's rights, which he has neglected to do for ten years and if he were to pick up the gauntlet do it on who's terms? Rights are not absolute in the first place nor do they supercede the well being of the child. Obviously, no one here knows enough about the OPs sons condition or nature to be able to judge that, and I would be highly skeptical of any judge being able to either. But as I already said, its far too early to be talking about judges and court.

Fittle

syklops wrote: »

I am not a parent(yet), but I think you are all getting a head of yourselves talking about judges and solicitors.

First off, if this guy ran at the sight of nappies, there is a decent chance that the sight of a kid with special needs will make him run again. 10 years down the line he may be carrying a romantic view of being a single Dad. Of taking the kid to McDonalds on a Saturday afternoon, and talking about the struggle of being a part-time father to the many attractive single women in his office. Its a nice thing to ponder about if you have no experience of being a dad.

OP, tell him about your child's individual needs. Maybe give him a DVD explaining autism in depth and detailing the type of care he may need to give to the child. Don't be soft in explaining the harsh details. I don't know if your child suffers from any bedwetting issues, or other toilet-related issues. If he does, or did in the past, but tell the Dad about it if so.

If the thought of putting a nappy on a 6-inch long, 4-pound baby was enough for him to run to the hills, the thought of doing same to a 4 foot tall, 10 year old boy might make him do a Linford Christie impression.

If after hearing all that, he still wants to be involved, then his feelings of guilt and love may be genuine, but he may be a little bit more pliable about meeting and spending time with the kid, maybe to the extent that you can agree for him to spend time with the child without the need for it going to court.

Good luck OP, its a very difficult situation. Let us know how you get on!

I completely agree with this too.

I would almost bet that he has a new girlfriend who is encouraging him to get to know his child - perhaps she has kids. Or perhaps he is settled and his partner is pregnant.

I doubt he woke up after 10yrs and just decided to get to know his son - that's highly unlikely. Either way, whatever the reason, don't jump the gun. contact him and give him all the details he needs to know about his son, as others have said. Take it day by day...and best of luck OP, whatever the outcome.

smokie2008

grindelwald wrote: »

At the end of the day he is the child's father, he may run a mile or he might face up to it. Autistic kids don't like the routine being changed, but slow introduction would not be a hugh intrusion, and the child should adapt.


You should make him aware that his son is autistic and what that means, as each autistic child is different.

You would feel that he has no right as he left you both and you obviously must have had a hard time, its not easy being told you child has autism.

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