Getting him out of my bed?

LegacyUser

I am a single mother and have a 9 year old boy. I have been living in rented accomodation from the day he was born, it has been very difficult. I have only ever been able to afford a one bedroom apartment in all that time, so myself and my son have slept in a double bed all this time.

This year, i got a council house and we now have 2 bedrooms and I am finding it impossible to get him to sleep in his own room. It has not been my fault that we have had to share a bed - obviously, I have not had a boyfriend in all this time either - I bought a bed setee in my old place and was trying to sleep in my living room, but every nite, he would come out to me.

he sees it as a comfort, sleeping with his mam. I can completely understand that he has been finding it very difficult to settle into his own room. I have tried all the tricks - he has bunk beds and a portable tv and dvd in there - he helped me decorate the room. I have tried rewards etc etc. Nothing seems to be working
Som nights, he will go to bed ok but will always wake up very upset and coming into my bed. Other nights, He cries so hard going into his own room, that I just cave in and let him back into my bed.

I understand that at 9, it's becoming inappropriate that he sleeps with me and I also want to get my life back and have started getting back out there and hope to meet someone and settle down - none of which can happen while he's still in my bed.

I have read other posts and sites about tips for 4/5yr olds..star charts etc etc - all of which appear to work - but at 9, my heart breaks for him when he gets so upset at night - he keeps saying 'Mam, I just want body-warm from you...I'm always cold on my own...'.

Like I said, I have done the best I can do, but because we have only had a one bed place for so long, there was nothing I could do. Has anybody any tips about ways to get him to settle in his own room? thanks for reading this and sorry it's so long, but I'd love any advice.

January

If he says he's cold would you try an electric blanket? one that has a timer on it??

Tell him that if he has his own room that eventually he'll be able to have friends over for a sleepover, he can't do that if he still sleeps in the bed with mammy. Just heap lots of praise onto him, tell him what a big boy he is that he is sleeping in his own bed.

LegacyUser

thank you adrienne.

the thing is, he has had some friends over for sleepovers - he has bunk beds. And it goes really well. he loves it. but even then, in the middle of the night, he'll come into me, and when his friend wakes up, we'll pretend that he's only just come into my bed.

I have tried the electric blanket - and a teddy (though he wouldnt be telling his friends about that lol), and a hot water bottle. the reality is he doesn't get cold at all...we have a very warm house! He just wants to snuggle up to me...after 9 years of this comfort, it must be very difficult for him to sleep alone???

I know part of this is my problem -while I love sleeping alone at last, I find it difficult to sleep for a full night, as im always wondering if he's ok etc etc. I think there's two of us in it :-(

metrovelvet

You need to teach him to sleep independently. Maybe he will grow out of it? At this point it could be habit waking him up?

Maybe make a little bed for him on the floor next to you for a while, he will eventually get fed up of that and stay in his own bed.

CrazyRabbit

Sit him down and tell him that it is inappropriate. Tell him you expect 9 year old boys to be able to sleep in their own bed for the whole night.

Start with getting him to agree to doing this just one night per week. Lock your bedroom door that night (and let him know this). Gradually increase this, allowing him time to get used to sleeping on his own.

Unfortunately, he just needs a little tough love to wean him off this comfort.

Zillah

He wants comfort, he doesn't know any better. When he comes in to you you have to bring him back to his own bed. You have to be cruel to be kind. He's nine, he'll only do what you let him get away with. You're phrasing things as if you're powerless here, but every time he comes to your bed there is a point at which you give in and the two of you go to sleep.

He's going to cry, he's going to be unhappy, but very soon he'll get used to it, just like the other millions of children around the world who don't sleep with their parents.

LegacyUser

I did say that i know part of this is my problem. And with the best will in the world, trying to deal witha nine yr old at three am in the morning, is much tougher than dealing with a four year old, particularly when Im up for work at six thirty and he's determined to stay awake, until I allow him in beside me.

In the day time, he's a great child - I have no problems with him at all. hes very social, has a lot of friends, loves his sport, loves school and i have never had an ounce of trouble with him. he is at the point however, where he doesn't want anyone knowing he still sleeps in my bed.

But come about 8pm, the arguments begin about 'can i sleep in ur bed'...like i said, there are nights when i just wont allow it but even then, its tears and tantrums for at least an hour before bedtime. Well, i say tantrums, it's really tears and shouting down the stairs that he cant sleep by which time im exhausted, and roar up 'get into my bed so!!'.

im off work until hes back to school however so i guess now is the best time to start the tough love, when we can both get a lie on. i was just wondering about star charts or rewards at this age...has anyone found that they work, or is there a better technique for a boy his age\?

January

A reward chart might work... but you'd have to up the reward for a nine year old... maybe a trip to the cinema/bowling alley and dinner in McDonalds if he sleeps in his own bed for the month?

Zillah

unregistered wrote: »

Well, i say tantrums, it's really tears and shouting down the stairs that he cant sleep by which time im exhausted, and roar up 'get into my bed so!!'.

It's just my opinion but I think this is the bit that's going to take some tough love. Just work through it. Don't give in, you're going to have to accept that he is, for a while, going to be upset that he can't get his way. He'll get used to it.

bigneacy

metrovelvet wrote: »

You need to teach him to sleep independently. Maybe he will grow out of it? At this point it could be habit waking him up?

Maybe make a little bed for him on the floor next to you for a while, he will eventually get fed up of that and stay in his own bed.

I would agree with this. Make a small bed on the ground next to you.
Don't put him in the bed, but if he comes into you during the night - he must go in there. After a while he will tire of this and simply stay in his own bed. Be firm. Its time for some tough love...

"No, you can't come into Mam's bed"

gubby

I know you cant see it right now but he will grow out of this. It is hard for him to break the habit of 9 yrs. my advice is to give him heaps of praise when he does succeed in sleeping by himself (in my opinion praise always works better than any amount of scolding) could you try letting him fall asleep in your bed and then moving him into his own bed when you go to bed? I dont like the idea of bedtime being an upsetting time with tears etc. the bottom line is he will grow out of it..just keep encouraging him. good luck

metrovelvet

I dont agree with the tough love approach in this case. OP set a NINE YEAR precedent of her son sleeping next to her. In any relationship NINE YEAR precendents are hard to break without serious consequences, so OP I would do this gradually and gently with minimum upset and stress to both of you.

January

OP my aunt had her son in her room with her for a good few years, but she was in a long term relationship and they only had a two bedroomed house living with one of her sisters.

What they did was buy one of those sets of bunk beds, with the double on the bottom and single on the top and made him sleep in that before eventually moving him to his own room.

LegacyUser

thank u all for the replies.

Yes, I have set a precedence and I suppose I should have insisted he move into his own room on the first night we moved into this house - but money was tight, I had promised him bunks and it took a few months before I could afford them - all the while, he stayed in my bed in this house.

Funny you mention the bunks - we actually have those bunks you're talking about - except the bottom bunk is a couch that turns into a bed - the odd time, he has slept there with a large teddy ( a replacement for me!) but he;s still woken up and come into me.

Metrovelvet is right - he has lived like this for 9yrs and I've often thought about things I've been doing for that length of time and how hard it would be for me to adjust, if someone just stopped me doing it.

Only recently, as i mentioned, he has started to mention that I dont tell anyone he sleeps with me, so the embarrassment has set in and he knows it's not the norm...
New year tonight though and im letting him stay up till midnight and it's his last night in my bed...I'm determined|! thanks again.

metrovelvet

Try to imagine you sleep next to your spouse for nine years and suddenly they decide its inappropriate and boot you out.

I think you have to do the softly softly - motivate him without hurting his feelings.

CrazyRabbit

unregistered wrote: »

thank u all for the replies.

Yes, I have set a precedence and I suppose I should have insisted he move into his own room on the first night we moved into this house - but money was tight, I had promised him bunks and it took a few months before I could afford them - all the while, he stayed in my bed in this house.

Funny you mention the bunks - we actually have those bunks you're talking about - except the bottom bunk is a couch that turns into a bed - the odd time, he has slept there with a large teddy ( a replacement for me!) but he;s still woken up and come into me.

Metrovelvet is right - he has lived like this for 9yrs and I've often thought about things I've been doing for that length of time and how hard it would be for me to adjust, if someone just stopped me doing it.

Only recently, as i mentioned, he has started to mention that I dont tell anyone he sleeps with me, so the embarrassment has set in and he knows it's not the norm...
New year tonight though and im letting him stay up till midnight and it's his last night in my bed...I'm determined|! thanks again.

I wouldn't recommend such a sudden stop. Make it more gradual (sleeping all night in his own bed once per week, then twice per week etc). Children don't cope well with such sudden changes. They rely on consistency as it gives them security. So the soft approach is best, but you need to be 100% committed to the change, otherwise he'll not come to accept that he has to sleep on his own and will fight it more.

LegacyUser

Thanks crazyrabbit. Perhaps that's where I've been going wrong? I try it for one night, and if it doesn't work, I give up for a week or two...

Perhaps I should start with setting one night this week...two nights next week..etc etc? In theory , that would take 7 weeks for him to be sleeping in his own bed forever - he got a football calendar from santa which now takes pride of place beside his bed - perhaps using this as a 'reward chart' would work for him?

So on monday, I write 'SOB' (sleep own bed - he's big into abbreviations at the moment :-D) and the following week, I write SOB on the monday and the thursday....at the end of each week, he gets some match attax if it's a success....

Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud here, but I think this could be a plan, and having read your post crazyrabbit, I now know where I've been going wrong. To me, it has seemed like a mountain to climb, so when the first nite failed each time, I just gave up...when in fact, I should be looking at it like little hills to climb, on the way to the mountain!!!

CrazyRabbit

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks crazyrabbit. Perhaps that's where I've been going wrong? I try it for one night, and if it doesn't work, I give up for a week or two...

Perhaps I should start with setting one night this week...two nights next week..etc etc? In theory , that would take 7 weeks for him to be sleeping in his own bed forever - he got a football calendar from santa which now takes pride of place beside his bed - perhaps using this as a 'reward chart' would work for him?

So on monday, I write 'SOB' (sleep own bed - he's big into abbreviations at the moment :-D) and the following week, I write SOB on the monday and the thursday....at the end of each week, he gets some match attax if it's a success....

Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud here, but I think this could be a plan, and having read your post crazyrabbit, I now know where I've been going wrong. To me, it has seemed like a mountain to climb, so when the first nite failed each time, I just gave up...when in fact, I should be looking at it like little hills to climb, on the way to the mountain!!!

Glad to help. Just take it slow & all those little victories will add up.

Good luck to you, and happy new year!

Zillah

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend such a sudden stop. Make it more gradual (sleeping all night in his own bed once per week, then twice per week etc).

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont agree with the tough love approach in this case. OP set a NINE YEAR precedent of her son sleeping next to her. In any relationship NINE YEAR precendents are hard to break without serious consequences, so OP I would do this gradually and gently with minimum upset and stress to both of you.

Oh for God's sake, he's not a heroin addict. It's this sort of attitude that's resulted in this situation in the first place. He's not being sold into slavery or sleeping in the driveway. He'll get used to sleeping in his own bed like every other kid has to, and the bigger a deal you make of it the bigger an issue it will be for him.

Nevyn

Kids run on routine and breaking one which is all they have known for all their life is not that easilly done. Persistence is important as is following through, if you mean he is not allowed to be in your bed for X night then you have to stick to it.

LegacyUser

Zillah wrote: »

Oh for God's sake, he's not a heroin addict. It's this sort of attitude that's resulted in this situation in the first place. He's not being sold into slavery or sleeping in the driveway. He'll get used to sleeping in his own bed like every other kid has to, and the bigger a deal you make of it the bigger an issue it will be for him.

I dont think anyone here is trying to compare my son with a heroin addict, or with a homeless person.

Yes, he'll get used to sleeping in his own bed - I do know that - but how about one day, somebody ripped that cigarrette out of your hand, that you'd been smoking for 9 years? Every habit takes a while to break - for all of us - very few of us can go cold-turkey and just give something up in the blink of an eye.

I think the lessons we've all learned from our own childhoods (I was born late 60s) is that the things our parents did, didn't necessarily work - and while we all say 'I had no toys as a kid, and it didn't do ME any harm..' etc - have a look around you at all the dysfunction that's going on with alcohol and drugs in this country!!!

While I'm not remotely trying to say that making him sleep in his own bed overnight, will turn him into a rampant alco, or a drug addict - I think we're all clever enough to realise the mistakes of our parents, and to try not to repeat them ourselves.

He slept in his own bed last night for what it's worth - was hard at the start, but he dozed off eventually and didn't wake till this morning!! he's going back there on wednesday...fingers crossed!

Cat Melodeon

If all else fails OP, maybe you could consider getting your son a dog? After our mum died, my brother (then 5) started sleeping in with our dad. This continued until he was nearly 10 and nothing would convince him to move in to his own bed in his own room. Then he was given a pup and was told that she was very lonely and wanted someone to sleep with as she missed her mum, but that there wasn't enough room in the one bed for all of them. He moved that night, never looked back. Some people will have hygiene issues with sharing with a dog, for others it's completely normal, for you it could be a way out if the other suggestions don't work.

Cottontail

unregistered wrote: »

thank you adrienne.

the thing is, he has had some friends over for sleepovers - he has bunk beds. And it goes really well. he loves it. but even then, in the middle of the night, he'll come into me, and when his friend wakes up, we'll pretend that he's only just come into my bed.

QUOTE]

I was just reading through this, and I wonder, does your son also go to friend's houses for sleepovers? If so, what happens there? Does he sleep in a bed by himself?

we'llallhavetea_old

hi op,

just wanted to say not to blame yourself, it's not your fault, you had to share a bed with your son because of your financial situation. you seem to think it's a terrible thing you have done, it's not!

anyway, i think there's a good selection of ideas for you to try out now, best of luck, i hope you have the luxury of sleeping star shaped, corner to corner very soon!

Nevyn

They say it takes 21 days to change a habit or establish a new one, so really make it a month and if he is in his bed for 21 days out of the 30 then you are both well on your way.
Set it as a goal and set a reward. Have you considered slipping a hot water bottle into his bed when you are on the way to bed to see if it keeps him in his bed?

ghosttown

You could try that if he comes into you, you bring him back to his room and you sleep in the other bunk, that way he knows he can't share, but still gets you close.

ClutchIt

Hi OP sorry to hear of your predicament. You mentioned that your son has now started to realise that it's embarrassing for him to still be sleeping with mammy if his friends find out. If all else fails, he will soon become embarrassed himself too and will move out.

TherapyBoy

ghosttown wrote: »

You could try that if he comes into you, you bring him back to his room and you sleep in the other bunk, that way he knows he can't share, but still gets you close.

I like this idea, if he comes into you, you move into the top bunk. If he stays where he's supposed to you're on the pigs back If there's no comfort for him in your bed maybe he won't bother coming in.

Zillah

unregistered wrote: »

He slept in his own bed last night for what it's worth - was hard at the start, but he dozed off eventually and didn't wake till this morning!! he's going back there on wednesday...fingers crossed!

Good job

Thaedydal wrote: »

They say it takes 21 days to change a habit or establish a new one

I assume "they" have no experimental data for this?

LegacyUser

TherapyBoy wrote: »

I like this idea, if he comes into you, you move into the top bunk. If he stays where he's supposed to you're on the pigs back If there's no comfort for him in your bed maybe he won't bother coming in.

As much as I love my son, as a woman on the wrong side of 30, I am not sleeping in a top bunk!!!!

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I have tried the hot water bottle, but he's actually quite a warm child anyway and mainly sleeps with no covers even - I know it's not a 'heat' thing with him.

And yes, he's had sleepovers at his friends houses - they go well too, but hes always either in a room with other people, or in a double bed with someone. In this house, hes in a room on his own.
The funny thing is he's not afraid at all - can't sleep with the lights on at all, so it's lights out at bedtime, whatever bed he starts his night off in! So there's no fear in him about the dark, or about bedtime.

the other night went well - he knows he's going back there tomorrow and then again at the weekend...the baby-step approach seems to be working...in his mind, anyway :-)