For Sale; Baby's shoes, never worn.

Mardy Bum

I'd appreciate any advice on this. I first thought of this idea as taking the form of a novel but now I am more concentrated on short stories and have cast the that notion aside. Title is taken from Hemingway obviously.


The sky blue, open top Pontiac pulled out of the suburban estate and sped down the dusty highway. Cars flew by in a blur. Dust sat on the windshield and the sun beamed down from above as Georgia studied the tiny shoes in her hands. The brief conversation had ended abruptly as Georgia caressed the shoes in her weary hands, that cloud of nervousness enveloped her again. She glanced out at the desert either side of her. Life was sparse. Large cacti resolutely stood, against the overbearing background of sand dunes and mountains. Their needle like pins was a small reminder of her previous habit. This was a thousand miles from New York’s seedy back streets and dimly lit apartments. The Pontiac followed the highway towards Tucson.

Georgia smoothed the creases in the material of the shoes with her little fingers. Each crease was like a distant memory. The shoes no longer had that crisp, angelic like quality but after all those years how could anyone or anything. The Pontiac overtook a slow sedan carrying a young family. As Georgia took her eyes of the shoes she witnessed the mother breast-feeding her baby. The image remained in her retina as the Pontiac moved up a gear. The natural thrill of the wind in her short hair now replaced the artificial thrill she, after many years of rehabilitation, had no care for. She removed the photo of Georgina from the inside of her wallet. The photo was six years old and a portal into her previous life. Georgina was in her arms, her mother’s arms, in a hospital bed. Georgia was battered and bruised in the photo, her arms scarred from needles and her once beautiful face pale and numb with addiction. Her baby sat in her arms somehow detached from her mother. Georgina hated the photo but kept it still. She had always thought it would be her only proof she once had a child.

She pulled out a make-up mirror out of her bag and checked her face. She brushed blusher on to her cheeks quickly and put some lip-stick on. She threw the make-up bag back into her purse. Her cell phone began ringing. She picked it up and answered it.

‘Hey David, what’s up’ said Georgia.

‘I’m not doing great G, I’m here in my room. I’ve locked the door from the outside but I feel like I will knock it down, I need to shoot up, I really need it’ came the angry, sobbing reply.

‘David, calm down, breath with me, now, close your eyes. See your family, Margerie and the kids, smiling, welcoming you back to your house with open arms’ said Georgia calmly.

‘Yes’ came the reply.

‘Well if you want to make this a reality keep strong and believe in yourself, you can beat it, I have and you will to’ soothed Georgia.

‘Ok. Thank you G, goodbye’ and the line went dead.

‘The life of a sponsor never stops; you know you are becoming better than me dear’ beamed Joshua.

‘I will never be better than you’ said Georgia as she reflected on their first encounter at her first rehab meeting, which he conducted. His reassuring voice and face were the first traits that attracted her to him and five years later they were still together.

The Pontiac rolled up to a gas station and Joshua got out and filled the tank. Georgia began examining the shoes’ fine embroidery. She recalled her attempts to sell the shoes, a gift from her now deceased mother, when she was at her lowest point in NY after social services took her child.

‘Joshua, could you get some totsie rolls when you pay please’ she called after Joshua.

‘Yes dear’ came the reply.

Joshua strode out from the store, with the sun setting in the background, started the Pontiac and they set off again. Twenty minutes later the Pontiac pulled up to a picturesque dormer bungalow with perfectly trimmed shrubs in the front garden and a spotless front yard. Phillipa and Paul were great citizens and great parents. In the front lawn Georgina was playing with her dolls. When Georgia got out with the totsie rolls in hand, Georgina, or Samantha as she was now called, ran towards her with a smile.

‘Auntie Georgia is here Mammy’ she screamed triumphantly as she ran over and hugged her as Phillipa’s welcoming face appeared through the doorway.

smcgiff

ignore - sorry picked you up wrong

cobsie

This might seem like a minor point, but honestly I was distracted by who the hell was driving the car! Put Joshua in the scene in the first or second paragraph.

Don't resort to worn-out phrases like 'New York's seedy back streets' - every city has bad neighborhoods and NY is actually one of the wealthiest cities in the world, so that's a double cliche! Be specific about your characters' back-stories, or leave them out. Don't generalise. 'Five years later, they were still together'...happily? What's going on between them? No point saying 'oh, that's all to be made clear.' Think of Tolstoy's famous opening line in Anna Karenina: "All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." In other words, there's no drama in happiness, only in the whys of unhappiness...and he gets right to it.

Don't keep saying Pontiac like it's 1929 and there were only three kinds of cars! It feels fake. Plus, who the hell drives a Pontiac these days? Unless it's vintage (and even then, they're like tanks).

Tootsie roll, not totsie roll.

What dunes? Arizona is landlocked.

I have no idea where you are from - you could be from AZ for all I know, but you are not doing the setting justice with these vaguely imagined moments.

This needs a lot more emotional resonance. Draw from how you would feel really and truly looking at a photo of the child you gave up for adoption. As a parent, I am not buying this scene at all. You need to dig a little deeper.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this needs real work.

Mardy Bum

cobsie wrote: »

This might seem like a minor point, but honestly I was distracted by who the hell was driving the car! Put Joshua in the scene in the first or second paragraph.

Don't resort to worn-out phrases like 'New York's seedy back streets' - every city has bad neighborhoods and NY is actually one of the wealthiest cities in the world, so that's a double cliche! Be specific about your characters' back-stories, or leave them out. Don't generalise. 'Five years later, they were still together'...happily? What's going on between them? No point saying 'oh, that's all to be made clear.' Think of Tolstoy's famous opening line in Anna Karenina: "All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." In other words, there's no drama in happiness, only in the whys of unhappiness...and he gets right to it.

Don't keep saying Pontiac like it's 1929 and there were only three kinds of cars! It feels fake. Plus, who the hell drives a Pontiac these days? Unless it's vintage (and even then, they're like tanks).

Tootsie roll, not totsie roll.

What dunes? Arizona is landlocked.

I have no idea where you are from - you could be from AZ for all I know, but you are not doing the setting justice with these vaguely imagined moments.

This needs a lot more emotional resonance. Draw from how you would feel really and truly looking at a photo of the child you gave up for adoption. As a parent, I am not buying this scene at all. You need to dig a little deeper.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this needs real work.

Thanks for the advice and for going to the effort to read it.

I purposely have it peared down to the last thats why it all seems so vague. Shes from NY now moved to Az to get away from her past and to be closer to her child. I think I've peared it down too far and the emotional resonance is lost. The part where she puts on the make up isn't as simplistic as it seems, it is supposed to be symbolic of her new life. She tries to cover up her memories (losing her child) with it but she cannot, its a facade. So follows the phonecall to highlight her own past life. I am trying to highlight the emotions involved without doing so explicitly My use of the objective correlative has failed it seems.

I purposefully didn't mention Joshua as I was trying to capture the silence and reflective moments which Georgia was under going. Georgia didn't willfully give the child up for adoption she was a junkie who didn't know better at the time. This is what is killing her now. Her baby sat in her arms somehow detached from her mother. She may have successfully quit drugs and became a sponsor but her own personal horrors are still there. Joshua too has his own demons.

I use the term Pontiac as an analogy for Georgia's and Joshua's relationship. Examples include ; 'The Pontiac overtook a slow sedan carrying a young family'-This means they no longer can have kids.
'The Pontiac rolled up to a gas station and Joshua got out and filled the tank'- Joshua has been the one of has been the strong support in it. He has given her the confidence to be able to go see her daughter.
The other areas also have a meaning but I take your point on board it does appear to be overused if this comparison isn't drawn up.
This was meant to cover how their relationship as you mentioned generalizing. Obviously I have to do a better job at it.

About the dunes there is plenty of them in Az and all along the i10 (main highway) I have been up and down it a few times.

My favourite writers are Hemingway and Carver. This may go some way in explaining my motives.

Thanks again. Its nice to hear a reply!

pickarooney

If you want to pare this down, start with the adjectives.

The sky blue, open top Pontiac pulled out of the suburban estate and sped down the dusty highway.

What's the need of all these modifiers?

We start with a car pulling out of an estate and (immediately) speeding down a highway - no back-streets, no on-ramp. It's speeding now yet cars are going by in a blur. If the blur is supposed to indicate Georgia's vague state of mind, it doesn't really work as we haven't met her yet. I also got distracted by who was driving the car.

The brief conversation had ended abruptly as Georgia caressed the shoes in her weary hands, that cloud of nervousness enveloped her again.

This reads like two sentences who got married having never met. It starts off with one premise and segues into another.

Life was sparse.

It is a desert after all. If I read your above comment right you took out lots of relevant details but left in stuff like this and about 200 mentions of the brand of car.

Their needle like pins was a small reminder of her previous habit.

They're actually called 'cactus needles' so this doesn't make an awful lot of sense. It's a bit of a clumsy metaphor.

Georgina hated the photo but kept it still

I think you mean Georgia here. You may have tripped yourself up giving the characters virtually the same name. Personally, I've always found people naming their children after themselves a bit narcissistic and this would be at odds with someone who is not happy with herself and is going to give the baby up for adoption. You might disagree and see it as some way of the mother clinging onto to some small link to her child but if you're aiming for a lot of subtle symbolism you'll divide opinion in your readers.

The Pontiac is speeding along ont he highway and has just overtaken a car. Now it moves up a gear. Impressive engine :P

She pulled out a make-up mirror out of her bag

Two outs, runners on the corners.

She picked it up and answered it.

This kind of thing is tedious detail. The phone rings and she says hello. We can fill in the blanks.

I have and you will to

too.

I might be a cynical SOB but David's change from anxious jonesing to beaming thanks in a couple of lines sounds a little convenient. So Georgia and David have been together for five years and she's advising him to think of getting back with his wife and kids? Or 'together' as sponsor and sponsoree?

Phillipa and Paul were great citizens

This sounds weird. What's a great citizen?

Mammy

Mommy?

as she ran over and hugged her as Phillipa...

The focus moves too much here.

Overall I think you need to re-write this. Your stated intent of conveying the story through subtle symbolism doesn't really work (or I'm not perceptive) especially when compared with some of the more laboured metaphors in the piece. Also, as not much happens within the time-frame of the story, it seems to be a character study of Georgia but her backstory is fractured and blurred, even contradictory at times. Is Dave necessary? Is Joshua?

Mardy Bum

pickarooney wrote: »

If you want to pare this down, start with the adjectives.


What's the need of all these modifiers?

We start with a car pulling out of an estate and (immediately) speeding down a highway - no back-streets, no on-ramp. It's speeding now yet cars are going by in a blur. If the blur is supposed to indicate Georgia's vague state of mind, it doesn't really work as we haven't met her yet. I also got distracted by who was driving the car.


This reads like two sentences who got married having never met. It starts off with one premise and segues into another.


It is a desert after all. If I read your above comment right you took out lots of relevant details but left in stuff like this and about 200 mentions of the brand of car.


They're actually called 'cactus needles' so this doesn't make an awful lot of sense. It's a bit of a clumsy metaphor.


I think you mean Georgia here. You may have tripped yourself up giving the characters virtually the same name. Personally, I've always found people naming their children after themselves a bit narcissistic and this would be at odds with someone who is not happy with herself and is going to give the baby up for adoption. You might disagree and see it as some way of the mother clinging onto to some small link to her child but if you're aiming for a lot of subtle symbolism you'll divide opinion in your readers.

The Pontiac is speeding along ont he highway and has just overtaken a car. Now it moves up a gear. Impressive engine :P


Two outs, runners on the corners.


This kind of thing is tedious detail. The phone rings and she says hello. We can fill in the blanks.


too.

I might be a cynical SOB but David's change from anxious jonesing to beaming thanks in a couple of lines sounds a little convenient. So Georgia and David have been together for five years and she's advising him to think of getting back with his wife and kids? Or 'together' as sponsor and sponsoree?


This sounds weird. What's a great citizen?


Mommy?


The focus moves too much here.

Overall I think you need to re-write this. Your stated intent of conveying the story through subtle symbolism doesn't really work (or I'm not perceptive) especially when compared with some of the more laboured metaphors in the piece. Also, as not much happens within the time-frame of the story, it seems to be a character study of Georgia but her backstory is fractured and blurred, even contradictory at times. Is Dave necessary? Is Joshua?

Thanks pickarooney.

The adjectives I have left are meant to tell you more than just a description of the proceeding word. 'Dusty' being a very important one as I have followed it up and tried to emphasis it after. 'Sky-blue' this may sound too minimalist for you but I used this because blue is a calming colour that makes time go by quicker. The car journey seems short but it is not. It is from outside Phoenix to Tucson which is 2 or 3 hours. Open-top is used to describe freedom.

I was trying to focus the reader on the Pontiac (G&J themselves) at the beginning, about how their lives are progressing- Cars flew by in a blur. I was trying to disorientate the reader so as when I did convey Georgia's state of mind which was full of doubts it was not like entering a completely different space- All was meant to be an objective correlative.

The brand of car is not important if you read the above comment I made in reply to cobsie. The images in the desert was meant to describe Georgia's own feeling of emptiness hurt and loneliness as a result of losing her daughter,- 'Life was sparse..'

Thanks for the spotting the error with Georgina. I wondered about the two 'outs' also. Georgia is David's sponsor. It is not really beaming thanks it is just a good bye he is going cold turkey and all he wanted to hear was a tiny bit of support.

Phillipa and Paul have lived a much more wholesome and cleaner life than Georgia and Joshua. The reader can add what they want to here. Phillipa was supposed to be a teacher and Paul a sheriff.

The end line was suppose to encapsulate the fleeting moment where Georgia could pretend to herself that she was her mother however Phillipa's appearance stops this. The focus was supposed to move quickly.

Every line means much more than it is first appears- symbolically or objectively.

Thanks for pointing out the other errors

Thanks for the advice all taken on board and a re-think/re-write in progress.

smcgiff

Mardy Bum wrote: »

I use the term Pontiac as an analogy for Georgia's and Joshua's relationship. Examples include ...'The Pontiac rolled up to a gas station and Joshua got out and filled the tank'- Joshua has been the one of has been the strong support in it. He has given her the confidence to be able to go see her daughter.

WHOOOOOOOSH!!!

Primarily a novel must read like a good story, we need to get the basics right first of all. When we've the craft perfected we can worry about how literary scholars will dissect our opus for its fuller and hidden meanings.

Mardy Bum

smcgiff wrote: »

WHOOOOOOOSH!!!

Primarily a novel must read like a good story, we need to get the basics right first of all. When we've the craft perfected we can worry about how literary scholars will dissect our opus for its fuller and hidden meanings.

Its meant to be a short story but I know where you are coming from.