My son'd dad and family disrespect me and I am fed up with it - straw, camel's back!

mushymoo

I am a single mum no bf with a young son who is ADHD and autistic, and I have full custody and am not involved at all with his dad.So, him and his family are really p***ing me off. Rant on its way - pls excuse the length!

This New Year I want to change things and think I need to do/say something (when I am calmer) soon, but I really dunno what THAT is.

Several reasons why I am angry: For e.g., they "disagree" with him taking ADHD meds (not that they are actively involved in his life or anything to have a say), they "forgot to give them" Xmas day, then 2 days ago he reurned from his 2nd ever sleepover with his dad and my son said that his 1st tab fell on the floor and his 2nd one he never got.

My son was fed chocolate cake at his grandmother's (fair enough, it won't kill him but still, he is v.sensitive to sugar) and all sorts of unsuitable food. Yet again on Xmas day, (that time he'd 5 yes 5 bowls of ice cream - his dad told me that - no breakfast,no veg in his dinner whatsoever).

Re 2 days ago,the grandparents left his overnight bag (pj's,slippers, etc. and tabs container) behind.I'd to insist they return with it (5 mins drive from my hse).They did not clarify when he was to return home either occasion, despite my saying please text so I know when and can make plans myself.

On Xmas day,it was 7 or 8 when he came back and he was hyper,wrecked and very moody when he got back. But esp. re the sleepover, he was due back at 1pm by his dad. I specifically asked his dad is that definite and he snapped yes I have to be back in town for 3 so no way is it later. I waited in till 1, nothing, rang at 2 - he was in the shower at home 1 and a half hrs drive away. I rang at 3.30 and he was only in the car on the way.

My aunt (who had especially come over for 1pm to see my boy) had to say bye on the phone (flying home yesterday) and was shocked how nice I was on the phone considering I was let down by his dad as she knows I have had this stuff from him many times, such as rudeness,late cancellations,not turning up,postponements etc.

He asked for his mum to have my lad and she said till 5, at 5 I rang her, nothing, I left voicemail and text and said to myself f*** it, I will go to the shops and leave my house as I dunno what else to do now, I had sat in all day as they have in the past returned him an hour or two early several times . I rang again at 6, finally at 6.30 they answered and said he will be home soon.

It was 8pm when he was returned, hyper and with toys but no bag, as I said. So I smiled through gritted teeth as they said Happy New Year to us but am sooooo annoyed with the whole lot of them!

Background:The dad and grandparents were not involved the 1st 3yrs (son is 6) and finally after court case I got his name on birth cert and minimum maintenance 3 yrs ago,but last year he stopped paying cos he said his self employed carpentry work is no more and I agreed to zero money on advice of solicitor as there would have been a nasty court fight for like 20 or 10 euro so its not worth that.

I am FED up of their lack of respect, selfishness to me especially and lack of responsibility/committment to my son. I thought his mum/the grandmother might at least be better but I see where her son gets his attitude (criticising my deision re meds,forgetting her grandson's bag,forgetting "to turn on her phone" and tell me time he was coming back).

What would you do here?Suck it up? Say nothing and fume?Go to court re access times?

Already had stressful argument last year with his dad who got us to DART it into town for the DAD'S access visits (yet he HAS A JEEP,I have no car) but he couldn't 'afford the petrol' to see his son, yet his wife works and they have a house. I called his bluff and said we've done it long enough and he should pay the DART fare instead, and he reluctantly comes out himself but to a neutral location, not to our house, to collect him. He doesn't help at all re school,Xmas or birthday costs despite a verbal agreement made in front of my solicitor when I agreed to no regular maintenance. His parents don't offer to babysit or help us financially and suit themselves re visits and times.

Should I go for court access set at this stage or suck it up/be a walkover still with this whole family? Fairly pissed off! All suggestions welcome (except re how I should have known before when I met his dad, yes, I know he was the wrong man to get involved with! But there I was getting over a big breakup plus I have PCOS, no periods AND we used a condom, anyhow, I have my little lad now, it's how to DEAL WITH IT that I need the advice, not with events 6 years ago!What would you do here?Thanks

nesf

Just one thing, there's no such thing as being sensitive to sugar and it making a kid hyper. It's an urban myth.

Other than that, there is nothing more infuriating than someone who "doesn't believe in drugs". I sympathise but beyond slowly bringing them around and avoiding letting it being in their control there isn't much you can do.

Klingon Hamlet

I'd highly recommend it. Think of it as both a counselling session (an opportunity to voice your emotional distress and thoughts) as well as a negotiation session.

Rather than bottle up your frustrations til you lose all patience and say or do something you may regret, mediation could lead to some common ground between you and the father.

Better that than constantly chomping at the bit.

Also I'd suggest giving the father your son's medical files confirming his ADHD/autism, and perhaps a quick written recommendaton from the GP re: diets, routines, etc. Maybe he needs a wake-up call from a professional.

All the best for you and your son.:)

Nevyn

What a ****ty situation to be in, you have my sympathies.
Kids who are on the spectrum need a certain type of handling and routine, routine, routine.
It is very hard to hand them over to people who don't get that, who mess up the routine and you are the one left with the fall out and the repercussions.

First off I would suggest getting yourself some support, is there a parents support group near you? Some areas have them for parent's of kids who have adhd or who are on the spectrum. When I was struggling with many of the issues you were real co parents and paternal grandparents who just didnt' get it and frankly blamed me I found that there were online communities which were really helpful so you could get a read on if you were being unreasonable or not.

Is the access for the father or is it for the grandparents sake?
It can often happen that the grandparents but pressure and they are the ones who want the child in thier life and you then are one step away from those who are actually in charge of your child when you dont' have him.

How much does the father and his parents know about kids who are on the autism spectrum?
Can take a very long time for them to figure out what it is, and that's it's real and not something which is made up, esp if they have never encountered it before, I know it's only when my son's grand aunt went and educated herself about it she then shared it with my son's grandmother and then things were a bit easier as they then accepted it was a valid condition.

Yes I know we have enough stress on our plates with out having to it seems educate the world and it's dog about Autism but we usually end up as advocate and educator on it.

Grandparents can often mean well but man they meddling they can do can be very disruptive and hurtful.

Do you have a routine for your son written down?
One to be followed at home and when he is with his Dad?
Routine is keep and your son will need one for visitation so that it becomes part of his routine.

The messing about with drop of times is frankly despicable, it is not fair on your or on the child. As hard as it may be you will have to enforce it, even if it means being out of the house and not letting their inconsistency hold you to randsom.

Re the meds, I know it's not something we do lightly to our kids but if he is on med then they need to be administered, if they are not being administered as prescribed then frankly I would not be raising a stink.
I would ring to ensure he has taken it, I would consider getting your child a phone so that you can ring him and check and he can ring you and set an alarm on it for his meds, so he knows when it's time. If needs be and it was possible I'd be calling around to make sure he took them. Would a letter from your dr re the meds be helpful to show the father and his parents?

In the process of educating family members on both sides I found that the materials of David Angel to be very helpful as my son as ASD and the book
all cats have aspergers.

Now your son got spoiled christmas day by his grandparents, that your going to have to let go, it was christmas and it happens, also they are going to do things which are beyond your control, it sucks but you are going to have to accept that.

I used to pack a bag for mine when they went to thier paternal grandparent's house for the weekend but I gave up after it was 'accidentally' left behind or remained in the car un opened. I questioned the kids and they had slippers/toothbrushes/pjs ect which the grandparents had bought for them. If your son's father has sets of these for him then you don't need to send them.

You do how ever need to write out your son's routine and give copies to his father and to the grandparents and explain why it's important for any child but doubly so for a kid on the spectrum for it to be followed. They will have their own way of doing things, so there has to be some flexibility but bed times, meds, good food and drop off pick up times should be if possible set in stone.

How to do it, well I would suggest mediation if possible so that doesn't become a row, who is your son under the care of? If he is still with the professional who has diagnosed him it could be well worth while getting his father to attend an appointment with them so they can explain to him how things are.

It's not easy but it gets easier as your child grows, it can suck hard that you have to be the one who is constantly responsible and coming across as a hard ass and a kill joy but we do it because we love our kids.