Single Parenthood by choice

Doogieboogie

Okay. I did a quick search of the forums, and I couldn't see any threads that related to this topic, so my apologies if this has been discussed before. Also, mods, please move this thread if there's a more suitable forum for it.

I was widowed last February. Myself and my husband had been trying to have a baby, unsuccessfully from before we got married. Our fertility issue was male-factor, so assuming nothing has changed, my fertility should still be okay, aside from the natural decline that comes with age.

Obviously, his death has devastated me, as has the fact that I'm 35 and alone. I don't want another relationship, I don't feel I need one, however, I'm deeply saddened that we never had children. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching the last few months, and I have decided that I would like to try to have a child (or children) alone, by donor sperm. I don't want to spend the rest of my life completely alone, I want a family. Had we already had children, I would now be a single parent. I own a large house, I work flexible hours and I have the support of my family and friends in my decision. I just wanted to put it out there, to guage reaction and to see if anyone else has done it. Single parenthood always seems to have a stigma attached to it, as if it was a big mistake or that the parents ''failed'' in some way (not my opinion by the way, just my interpretation of what the general population thinks - I could be completely off, my apologies if I am) I wonder if single parenthood by choice has the same stigma; if people are in support of the idea or just think I'm plain nuts to attempt it.
Thoughts?

CnaG

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I think you should go for it.

**** any stigma attached. I don't think one exists anyway for single parents in their thirties anyway, but if you ever did encounter any, you could just twist the truth for the occasion and say you used your deceased husband's sperm - I think that would probably stop them in their tracks.

CnaG

I just realised that may have come across as a bit flippant. It wasn't intended to be. Seriously, only you can know what's right for you now, and if you feel like you want to be a mother then go for it. It might be no harm to talk it through with a counsellor or a close (understanding) family member, as they may be able to give better advice and assistance than the internets

mariebeth

Doogieboogie, I'm really sorry for your loss. It must have been a very difficult time for you.

About the child issue, it sounds like you have really thought this out properly, you're in a position to care for a baby and provide for a baby and it sounds like you already have a lot of support from friends & family behind you, so my answer would be to do it.

It doesn't sound to me at all like you are doing this in a way to come to terms with the death of your husband, it's something you wanted before, and you still do. And as you said, if you had had a baby with him, you would now be a single mother anyway, so you would have had to deal with it regardless.

I know some people might go on about single mothers and such, but you are making a mature and reasoned decision to have a child, for all the right reasons, and there is no person, IMO, who could turn around and say not to.

Personally, I know that I do really want children someday, and if by the time I'm 35/36 and I find that I'm not involved in a relationship with someone who I want to be with and have children with, then I would consider that route myself, as long as I could support a child on my own. I don't see anything wrong in choosing to have a child and be a single mother, as long as it is for the right reasons. Yes it might be harder, and it might be more difficult on the child at some stages of life, but the fact that I would love the child and would want the child, would make all the difference.

I really wish you the best of luck with this decision, and I hope that it all works out wonderfully for you.

Maddison

Doogieboogie, words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss.
It sounds as If you have thought long & hard about this. If you feel that you are financially & emotionally able I dont see why you shouldnt have a child. I wouldnt pay too much attention to what 'people say' as no matter what, there is always someone out there that will always have something nasty to say....rise above it. I wish you all the best in your journey. Parenting is hard but It is oh so rewarding also.
Im sure you will be a wonderful mum x

Doogieboogie

Thanks for the replies, folks.

I found when I breached the subject with friends at first, they were dimissive of the idea - they reckoned it was just the grief talking; that I wasn't capable of making a rational decision of such magnitude. I was quite taken aback - yes, I was bereaved, but I hadn't gone insane. My plan, loosely formed as it is, is to wait another year or so until I'm more financially secure and so that I can put things in order - for example, I have a large converted attic that I want to add an en-suite bathroom to, so that I can hire a live-in nanny or au pair, as I will need live-in care rather than outside childcare. I also want to give myself adequate time to make sure I have come to terms with my husband's death a little better - I won't ever fully recover, but I do want to be in the best shape I can be emotionally, before I start down this road.

I realise that I'm not just buying a pet, and that the long-term implications of raising a child on my own will be difficult, not least the 'who is my father' questions I'm bound to face, but I think that I am making the right decision for me. I know my husband would want me to do this, I think that he would be appalled if I were to remain alone and childless. To be honest, the above-mentioned ''stigma'' has very little to do with my decision. I have had a few raised eyebrows; and a few people murmur that I was being selfish (for denying a child a father) but I believe that a family is made up of love and security, not numbers, and I have endless amounts of love to give to a child.

Again, thank you for your replies. I think we've come a long way in our attitudes, it's not terribly long ago an idea like this would have been shot down and that I would have been derided as immoral and selfish.

Ickle Magoo

Just to let you know Doogieboogie, there is a bereavement forum here and a parenting forum here if you want more specific advice.

You sound really self assured and calm but I can't help thinking it's not even been a year since you lost your husband - you must still be all over the place emotionally.

There's no logical reason why you would be alone and childless for the rest of your life - unless by choice, that said if you then feel that sperm donation is absolutely the way you want to go, then I'd say go for it - the kind of people who pass judgement on single mothers certainly aren't worth worrying about.

All the very best.

Doogieboogie

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Just to let you know Doogieboogie, there is a bereavement forum here and a parenting forum here if you want more specific advice.

You sound really self assured and calm but I can't help thinking it's not even been a year since you lost your husband - you must still be all over the place emotionally.

There's no logical reason why you would be alone and childless for the rest of your life - unless by choice, that said if you then feel that sperm donation is absolutely the way you want to go, then I'd say go for it - the kind of people who pass judgement on single mothers certainly aren't worth worrying about.

All the very best.

Thanks Ickle Magoo (great user name, BTW)

I don't know whether or not I will be alone for the rest of my life, but looking at it as logically as I can - if I ever get to a point where I want to meet someone again, and if I'm lucky enough to meet someone... well, they're going to have to be quite something to take on a young widow and her baggage, not to mention living with my husband's memory taking first place. If they are a big enough and secure enough man to take that on, well, then the fact that I'm a single mother shouldn't bother him! Also, it could be quite some time before I'm ready to date, and then before I meet someone, date them for a while, decide on a life together - all of that could push me beyond childbearing years, and I don't want to miss my chance at motherhood because of timing.

I am still a bit all over the place, hence waiting perhaps another year. I'm conscious of my age, so don't want to wait any longer than that, particularly if I want to have more than one child.

I really just wanted to get a feel for what people think of the idea. I am pretty sure it's what I want to do, I'm delighted that people are supportive.

I wonder could this be moved to the parenting forum? I think you're right, I would benefit from specific advise there.

Ickle Magoo

Sure thing. :cool:

Nevyn

Honestly I would not say it was wise for any woman to under go pregnancy and the first two years of a child's life alone and un supported. Just due to simple logistics like not being able to put your shoes on in the last months of pregnancy and that some babies just don't sleep the first year or so.

Would you consider fostering?

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

Honestly I would not say it was wise for any woman to under go pregnancy and the first two years of a child's life alone and un supported. Just due to simple logistics like not being able to put your shoes on in the last months of pregnancy and that some babies just don't sleep the first year or so.

Would you consider fostering?

It is very very tough. But OP has said that she has plenty of support around her.

I also think it is a very different scenario being a single parent by choice rather than by default by choice of the other parent, where you face a whole slew of problems, starting with deep rejection, and potentially moving onto maintenance and access strife for the rest of your life.

So I would say, sperm donor all the way if that is what you want. The child might have identity questions but at least wont be grappling with rejection or bereavement.

There is an organisation which could be of great help to you as you can talk to other moms who were single parents by choice.

http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/

Das Kitty

It's so hard OP. But, if I'm honest, even knowing what I know, if I were in your shoes I would go for it.

However you should read up and think about how the child will be affected by not having a father around, not that it should stop you but I think you're in the lucky position to be able to consider these things in advance. I would also read up on the current laws regarding sperm donation and the rights of the children and the donors as well as any new proposed legislation.

I believe in always going into things with your eyes wide open.

Good Luck!

Doogieboogie

Thaedydal wrote: »

Honestly I would not say it was wise for any woman to under go pregnancy and the first two years of a child's life alone and un supported. Just due to simple logistics like not being able to put your shoes on in the last months of pregnancy and that some babies just don't sleep the first year or so.

Would you consider fostering?

I have considered fostering, but have ruled it out, purely because I think that I'm too selfish for it. A family friend fostered for years, and I have seen countless children come and go. It's a wonderful thing to do, but I think that my want for a child would override the child's best interests - basically, I don't know if I'd be able to cope with handing them back. Perhaps it would be something that I would consider in time, but for now, I don't think I would be the best candidate.

Thanks again for your replies, they have given me some food for thought. I will take all the points brought up into consideration - I hadn't even thought of being able to put my shoes on! I think the benefits outweigh the problems, and the thing with most problems are that they usually can be surmountable. For now, I'll keep stealing my neices and nephews for visits - my 6 year old neice is coming over for a sleepover tomorrow; I'm all excited! Kids movie and too much popcorn awaits!

CathyMoran

Having a baby over 35 is tougher on you so that is another point, there is also an increased risk of Downs etc. If you want to have another child (not an unreasonable expectation) then how long would you want to wait between children? Also, if you end up having a c-section do you have support for the recovery afterwards. I had my son baby Shane who is just over 9 months old now when I was 36 (still am) by c-section and am over 16 weeks pregnant (baby will be born when I am 37). I did not have family support apart from my husband and it has been tough on us (I should state to be fair that I have medical issues) but we would not be without our chidren.

Wantobe

I would completely support your right to have a child. I think you are wise to wait though, as your bereavement was relatively recent.

The only thing I would wonder though is whether you have much experience of dealing with infants/children other than as 'fun' aunt?

Before I had children I had an idealised notion of what being a parent was like- despite being an aunt many times over, and despite doing loads of babysitting for family. I had all sorts of plans for live-in nannies, and carrying on with my demanding ( though time-flexible) career. I have to laugh at myself, looking back. My sister tried to advise me that I should go part-time at work, tried ( in a nice way) to prepare me but I thought I knew better.:rolleyes:

The reality of being a parent to a baby/infant is very difficult- it's hard to describe unless you've been through it. I found the combination of cluelessness, no sleep, and round the clock responsibility quite difficult. And that was with the support of my husband- I honestly don't know how single mothers do it and far from feeling they should be stigmatised, I feel like awarding every one of them a medal ( or a luxury break in a spa- can we ask the government how they feel about that idea?).

Now my two are in school, life is much, much easier. It's also more rewarding in that once they are out of the baby/toddler stage you have real interaction, talks and fun with them. This is the stage that I had envisaged before having children- the fun bits-but it's been a long 6 years to get to this stage! Sure before that you will love them and cherish them, but they are so utterly dependent on you that you spend a lot of the time with them taking care of them physically, feeding, cleaning, nappies, toilet training, trying to get them to sleep, up all night when they're sick- up several nights in a row sometimes. And when you're also working- it's really bloody tough. And I'd imagine when you're not working it must be bloody tough too!

Now, having said all that, I didn't have any mother or mother in law nearby who could help out or really anyone family wise who could step in and I think people who do have that help available do have a totally different dynamic. All of my family are scattered all over the place and my mother had died the year before I had my first child.

greengirl31

Hi Doogieboogie...
First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss - I can't imagine what you're going through but I hope you're doing OK - or as well as you can - in that respect.
As for your question, I'd definitely say go for it. I became a single parent when I was 30. It was a planned pregnancy but I split up with my Daughters Dad just before she was born. He's had no involvement in her life but he does support her financially and I couldn't manage without his contributions but if you're financially secure then Go for it.
And as for being a single parent and how difficult it is .... Parenting is tough regardless of if you're in the most stable relationship or if you're on your own. I've seen friends who almost split up after having a baby such is the strain of new parenthood. But if you have support of family and friends well then you're half way there. I work full time, have my own place and my little one is in crèche full time. I have relatively flexible hours but if for whatever reason - like the recent snow - I get delayed my mum is close by and can collect her. I have other family around too that are more than willing to baby-sit or take her overnight so I can go out or catch up on sleep. The Live in child care wouldn't appeal to me to be honest cause I'd have to share my home and my child but that's just my opinion ... everyone has different preferances when it comes to childcare.
Yes being a single parent is hard but it's also the most rewarding and fulfilling I've ever done and I would highly recommend it.
Best of luck
A

dory

I really think the stigma you speak of is dying out (I realise you later said it's not a big part of your decision - just thought I'd mention it). You seem to have this well thought out. I know people will say it's difficult and it is, I've spent the last 13 months with a baby, but you'll survive. And it's not like you'll eventually get over not having children, if you want them you want them and best to do something now while you still have time.
Sorry for the loss of your husband, I hope this works out for you.

we'llallhavetea_old

so sorry for your loss op.

i think you should definitely go for it, you will regret it for the rest of your days if you don't. parenthood can be difficult at times but never too difficult.

cbyrd

Its such a difficult thing, to decide to have a child. If you went out and for instance (not saying you would just an example;)) had a one night stand and found out you were pregnant, what would your feelings be? I have 3 never planned one of them and i have to say if i did i probably would have thought it to death and then still have had major reservations.

If it's something you feel you are ready to give your life over to then do it.. if you feel you couldn't cope with a baby alone then don't. Having the support of family is very important and if you have this you're half way there.

Filling the void your husband left behind will ease your mind and give you something to focus on, which in my humble opinion is very important, left with an empty place at your table and in your heart it will lighten your life to have a new one in it..
What ever you decide it is ultimately your decision, you will be primary carer and i tip my hat to you, the first while is not easy, but the rewards are breathtaking

Kildrought

Having raised two children on my own of necessity rather than choice; there is no way I would advise you to have a child on your own.

You are still suffering from a traumatic loss; this is not the way to get over it. Children are not commodities.

At 35 you are still very young, don't rule out another relationship. Never is a very long time.

Delancey

OP , have you sounded out the views of your husband's family on your plans ? While the decision is yours of course have you considered their reaction ?
A negative reaction from them could put you under a lot of pressure perhaps.

Good luck whatever you decide

Doogieboogie

Kildrought wrote: »

Having raised two children on my own of necessity rather than choice; there is no way I would advise you to have a child on your own.

You are still suffering from a traumatic loss; this is not the way to get over it. Children are not commodities.

At 35 you are still very young, don't rule out another relationship. Never is a very long time.

Ouch. Just want to point out a couple of things in response:

1) I know children are not commodities, which is why I'm thinking long and hard about this BEFORE I commit to it, unlike some folk who do see children as a route to social housing, childrens allowance, etc; or who do have one night stands and get pregnant without caring about the consequences.

2) I have lost my husband, but I am not in ANY WAY trying to 'get over it' by having a child. I wanted children before he died, I still want them now, and I am fully aware that a child can't replace what I've lost.

3) I do not want another relationship or marraige. I know this, and will not change my mind. My husband wasn't a pet dog, you don't just go out and buy another one. If (and it's a big if) I do feel ready for another relationship, it will be several years from now; Mr Right may never show up - it's hard meeting someone special at the best of times, and a 35-40 yr old widow ain't exactly a catch. I do not want to lose my chance at having a family because I sat around and waited. I happen to think that I have a lot to offer a child or children, I'm financially able to support a child on my own without relying on state help, and I have a very good support network in terms of family and friends. I am weighing this all up very seriously. I could just go out, pull some randomer and get knocked up, but I want to do things as properly as I can.

Thanks for all the replies, folks, it's given me lots to think about.

Doogieboogie

delancey42 wrote: »

OP , have you sounded out the views of your husband's family on your plans ? While the decision is yours of course have you considered their reaction ?
A negative reaction from them could put you under a lot of pressure perhaps.

Good luck whatever you decide

His family aren't in my life anymore (their choice, not mine - they froze me out as soon as he was buried)

bulmersgal

Thaedydal wrote: »

Honestly I would not say it was wise for any woman to under go pregnancy and the first two years of a child's life alone and un supported. Just due to simple logistics like not being able to put your shoes on in the last months of pregnancy and that some babies just don't sleep the first year or so.

Would you consider fostering?

i'm a single mum to a 9 month old baby. I left my bf when i was 6 weeks preg. Being honest I was 24 when preg but i didn't find it as difficult as a lot of people portray it as. Every pregnancy is different you can be lucky and have easy one or you could have a hard one. I can honestly say I dont find parenting hard but like that I have a easy baby and had a easy pregnancy. The part I find hard is nobody to talk to in evenings, nobody to share her little moments with. My family is great and also my friends but like that sometime it can be just plain lonely at night when she asleep.

I honestly think you should do it. Who cares what people think of you being a single mum. I rarely tell people i'm a single mum, its not a thing i feel the need to share. I'm not ashamed of it and will tell people me and her father are not together but only if it comes up, i'm not one to volunteer this information

Doogieboogie

bulmersgal wrote: »

i'm a single mum to a 9 month old baby. I left my bf when i was 6 weeks preg. Being honest I was 24 when preg but i didn't find it as difficult as a lot of people portray it as. Every pregnancy is different you can be lucky and have easy one or you could have a hard one. I can honestly say I dont find parenting hard but like that I have a easy baby and had a easy pregnancy. The part I find hard is nobody to talk to in evenings, nobody to share her little moments with. My family is great and also my friends but like that sometime it can be just plain lonely at night when she asleep.

I honestly think you should do it. Who cares what people think of you being a single mum. I rarely tell people i'm a single mum, its not a thing i feel the need to share. I'm not ashamed of it and will tell people me and her father are not together but only if it comes up, i'm not one to volunteer this information

I'm already finding that hard - it's one of the things I miss most about my hubby, just having him around to chat to, to share my day with, but I'm learning to live on my own and to cope on my own. I know it won't be easy, but hell... if I can survive the last year, I can cope with anything, I think. Thanks for your thoughts x

smelltheglove

Doogie another go for it from me!

So sorry for your loss, by reading your first post it is obvious you loved your husband very much and miss him very much. I think it comes across as very romantic, he was your Mr. Right and you arent looking to replace him with a child but to continue the life you dreamed of together in bearing a child.

Single motherhood isnt that hard, not when you dont know any different. I knew from around 9 wks pregnant on my first that I would be a single mother and the hardest part for me was the rejection rather than the parenting. Yes, now I know life on the other side going back to being a single parent would be hard but no, I wouldnt say its too hard, I mean I was perfectly capable of putting on my own shoes and even painting my toenails. Also the stigma, yes I faced it being 21 with a baby and alone but I didnt let it faze me and anyone who did confront me about it I put them in their place quite easily having worked hard and bought my own house a year later. I dont think though the stigma is attached quite so much to women outside of their teens and early 20s.

Best of luck to you in whatever you choose!

Nevyn

OUTOFSYNC this forum is not for those type of offers.

_Whimsical_

I would urge you to take your time DoogieBoogie. Maybe consider some counselling before you commit to it. I think you should definitely go for it at some point though if you want.

You've very recently suffered an enormous loss and it takes a long time to assimilate that into your psyche. It's impossible not to see everything through a lens of grief right now , even if you don't consciously feel that. After the birth of a baby your emotions can be tumultuous in the most ideal of circumstances but being only a year fresh from such a painful wound could leave you feeling much more upended that you might expect. Grief is a long hard road and the only way out of it is to travel along it. I think you and your child deserve to start life together when you are as strong as you can be and not in the shadow of such a deep sadness. As a single parent you have to give 100% . I think you must surely need a few percect for yourself right now, to help you get further through what you are going through, both for you and your future child.

Of course parents experience grief and sadness all the time when relationships end etc and thats hard for the parent but also for the child if their parent is sad or finding it hard to cope etc. If you have the opportunity to chose your time pick the best time for the two of you.

I'm very sorry for you loss. You sound like you'll be a lovely mum. Every good wish to you for the future.

Fittle

Firstly, I'd like to say how sorry I am for your loss OP - both my parents are deceased, so I have experienced bereavement, but I'm sure the death of your husband is incredibly difficult to deal with.

I've been reading this thread and as a woman who has been parenting alone for over 8yrs - and I mean alone, with no input from his dad and little or no input from my family (thank god for wonderful friends though;)) - and I wouldn't advise anyone to consciously parent alone, having found the first few years of his life the most difficult and challenging of my life. Unfortunately, no one can prepare you for those first years and how overwhelming they can be - I could tell you stories of no sleep for 42 hours, of a child who woke every four hours for 2.5yrs and of constant visits to hospitals for physio (for both him and me) and tonsillitis, until he finally got them out....

The list is endless. I have a load of nephews and nieces, many of whom I half-reared, so when I discovered I was pregnant and alone, I thought 'How hard can it be...I know allll about babies...'

But it's the overwhelming feeling of responsibility that I found the most difficult. And the lonliness, particularly when he was younger.

Having said all of the above, that expression 'they're worth it' is true. The love you feel for your child is impossible to explain - completely impossible.

I'd say when he turned about 5, things changed - he became my little 'pal' and I don't know what my life would be without him:D, and if you could give birth to a 5yr old, I'd have ten kids!!!:D

I think if the need in you is that strong OP, you should go ahead and make enquiries about how long it would take/how much it will cost etc. It may take you a while to conceive, so even if your decision is that you're going ahead with it, it may take alot longer than 9 months from start to 'finish'.

I'm sure there are support groups - though perhaps that's the wrong word - for women who have babies in Irl through donors. When I was in the maternity ward, the girl in the bed next to me had gotten pregnant in that way - she had a girl the day I had my boy, and I often wonder how her life panned out. Perhaps you should try to find women who've done it and are a few years down the road, to figure out if there is much more that goes with conceiving your child through donor sperm etc etc?

merryhappy

Just to give some input as a child raised by a single mother.

There are major differences between your situation and my Mothers, my Dad's staunchly Catholic parents forced them to split when she fell pregnant, she lived with my grandparents for the first three years of my life, my aunt took care of me after school while she held down afull-time job.

I had a fantastic childhood, I have wonderful memories although I should point out that the majority of them involve more people then just my mother.

Fast forward to Christmas 1999 (I was 9) when she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, an illness which landed her with too many symptoms to list and in hospital on too many occasions to count, including a Mental Hospital- severe depression is one of the main symptoms of the illness. It took her to Germany in search of a cure, it took her to a rehabilitation home during the week of my 13th Birthday. It took away her ability to run and to drive.

Sorry that this is sounding so grim because it wasn't. When all of this was going on I was carted off by my relations, everyone pitched in with lifts to and from school, food shopping etc. It's only now when I look back and when i talk to my mother about it that I realise how tough it was for her to be alone because ultimately when she locked the door at night, it was just the two of us.

On the bright side, we both developed coping mechanisms, I went on to do really well at school and she met someone and the Multiple Sclerosis hasn't deteriorated in the past five years.

Once I again I apologise if this upsets you but it just really rang alarm bells for me. I know you came on her looking for opinions but realistically nobody on here can interpret what kind of a parent you will make or what path you should follow. You could be lucky, it could be amazing and I truly hope it is but there's just so much to consider, children are so vulnerable.

Best of luck in everything you do and my sincere sympathy for your loss.

Fittle

Ohlord Merryhappy - that is my biggest fear, that I will be ill and it's only me and my son.

Thankfully, I'm in good health, but who knows what's around the corner for any of us? I don't know if I'm enlightened, or saddened by your post.

Sorry to go off-topic OP, but of course, none of us think of ill health in the parent, or the child, in single parenting situations.