Giving them independence v worried sick!

corsica

HI
I have a daughter just turned 13, who is pushing boundaries all the time. The latest is going into town with her 12yo friend, which I have refused. When do people let their teenagers into town without an adult? Am I overprotective? I do let her go to the nearby Cinema just with friends. SHe also gets bus to school. Any thought?

Fittle

I don't have a teenage daughter (thank god!) but I do have a 8yr old boy and I'm sure this stuff is ahead of me. I do have some nephews and nieces around your daughters age and there's not a hope their parents would let them into town on their own at 13, particularly with her 12yr old friend! (are you talking about dublin here, btw?)

If she already gets the bus to school, then that's a start - but I'd say 14/15 before you allow her into town on her own....are the 12yr olds parents allowing her into town???

corsica

Yes "town" is Dublin! I think they could be doing the classic "tell your mother I'm allowed, so she'll have to go along with it". Although she insists lots of her schoolfriends are allowed in at 13yo.

How Strange

13 is far too early imo. I was allowed into town for a days shopping at 16. Perhaps let her go to a shopping centre for a couple of hours with her friend but you go too and wait in a coffee shop.

It's tough at that age because they want to push the boundaries but at the back of it she's still a child and she needs to be protected. Give her a little freedom but under controlled circumstances.

Chuchoter

At 13 I was barely going into shopping centres by myself, I mean I'm 17 now and I was only going into town frequently when I was 15. Town is so easy to get lost in and there are parts of it you really don't want to get lost in. The buses can also be really complicated and there are a hell of a lot of people out to take your money (concern people/'magicians' in st stephens green with mysterious helpers behind them while you close your eyes with your bags on the ground) Frankly the parents of the other girl, if they actually let her, obviously they don't give a damn about her.

Das Kitty

I used to go into town at 12 (Galway) on my own and with friends. I went to Dublin shopping with friends when I was 16.

I suppose it depends on the child. I was very straight laced as a kid and my
Mum used to encourage me to get out of my comfort zone to give me confidence. I never did anything bad in spite of all the chances I was given. I was taught all about being safe and cautious before this though I hasten to add.

Nevyn

How far is it?

I would be hesitant to let my son go into town but then again when I was 13 I was taking two buses across the city to music lessons on a Saturday and then 'being' in 'town' for a few hours before coming home and back then I didn't have a mobile phone.

I think it will depend on the age and maturity of the child, but I know personally I hope to leave it until they are 15.

CrazyRabbit

Depends on the child. I used to go camping to Wexford (from Dublin) on the train each summer for a week with my mates. I started doing this when I was 12.

What exactly do you think is going to happen to them in such a crowded area? The level of paranoia these days is shocking.

Mobile phone + panic Alarm + predefined shopping route + agreed time for return should be enough for a mature 13 year old. Of course, they should be very familiar with the public transport routes...i.e, how to get home, what buses go where etc.

corsica

Thanks for your replies which after reading has made me decide: I am going with my initial response. She is too young, and she's not a mature 13yo. I remember when I cam to Dublin first (at 18) I found it easy to get lost. Fair enough, she's been in town loads of times with me, but she's never had to direct, just follow. She could easily get lost. More importantly she's just not mature enough to deal with unforeseen incidences. Thanks again. She's still going to keep hassling me though...:rolleyes::)

up for anything

corsica wrote: »

Fair enough, she's been in town loads of times with me, but she's never had to direct, just follow. She could easily get lost.

It's up to you to give her the confidence that she will need for solo trips. Why don't you have days where you go out together but you leave all the transport arrangements and direction asking to her with you staying in the background. This will give her confidence to make a solo trip to town which as you say she has done dozens of times with you.

My 16 year old daughter spent a week in Dublin last November doing work experience. She was staying out in Killiney and working in the Baggot Street area. Luckily enough she had a lift into town except for one morning where she had to get the Dart! Cue frantic phonecalls/texts from her describing the ticket machine and asking me how to work it. Also lots of phone calls from her trying to find her way to Grafton Street at lunchtime and back. Her on the phone and me on Google Earth trying to figure out where she'd gone wrong and ended up and then 'walking' her to wherever she needed to go to. She has the map reading skills of a drunken bum and a sense of direction that a two year old would be ashamed of and no confidence to ask for help from strangers, people in shops or bus drivers.

She's got a Summer job out of them and you can be sure I'm switching my phone off for the entire Summer and she can sink or swim without me. Independence time (for me).

TheQ47

Sorry, a bit late to this one.

My 10-y-o daughter doesn't go into town on her own (it's 15 miles away :eek:), but we would often leave her in town on her own for an hour or more so she can spend some of her pocket money (Claires gets it all!), arranging to meet at a pre-defined place and time. She always has her phone if there's a need.

Having said all that, town for us is Sligo, not Dublin. At the age of 13/14 I was living in suburban Sligo and spent every Saturday afternoon with my friends in town. It was 25+ years ago, though!

Twee.

I started going to town at 13 with my pals. The rules were to ring/text when I got in, when I was on the bus home, and to be home by six.

LegacyUser

I went into Dublin town when I was 12 with friends after my confirmation and that was generally how we got to go into town. We walked around the cheap clothes shops and thought we were so mature. Haha. We then went to Mac Donalds and went home. We were all so excited before hand. Then I was allowed to go when I wanted and suddenly I wasnt that interested. There was no mobile phones then either. I just had to be home by 6.

mymo

My daughter turned 13 on sunday, and I have had the same thing a few times recently. Wanting to go into town on the bus (20+ miles away, Kilkenny not Dublin), so we have a compromise, I bring her and 3 friends into town to a shopping centre and we go our separate ways, they have phones and we meet up for a cuppa. 2 hours seems to be plenty for them really. Sometimes we go to the cinema or something too.
One of the other mothers does the same thing, so about once a month they get to go.
They seem quite happy with it, although we (the adults) usually put it as we need to go shopping would they like to come into town with us, or when they ask to go we say we're going anyway, saves them an hour on a smelly bus, rather than no way, i'll bring you.;)

coffee_cake

I went into town at 12-13 with friends and it was grand, but I was fairly level headed and not likely to be getting up to anything mad. Depends on the child, you know her best

Aoifums

I was let into town from 6th class onwards. Four of us would go in on the bus as the bus left from about 10m from their front door. We were resricted to O'Connell St, Henry St and Parnell St (just for Cineworld). I texted from the bus and got a lift from the bus.
It worked fairly well. We never got lost and always had a good time.

If I were letting a 13 year old into town, I'd go with her the first time and let her off on her own for a couple of hours. Let her find her way to the bus stop and meet back up with her there.

meg3178

corsica wrote: »

HI
I have a daughter just turned 13, who is pushing boundaries all the time. The latest is going into town with her 12yo friend, which I have refused. When do people let their teenagers into town without an adult? Am I overprotective? I do let her go to the nearby Cinema just with friends. SHe also gets bus to school. Any thought?

You're not being over protective, there are too many things to be wary of. I wouldn't allow my daughter to town until she was 15, as it was 20 miles away and she had to ring when she got there and when she was on the bus coming home.
Perhaps you and the other mother could arrange that you take them once a fortnight and she takes them once a fortnight. This way you only have to go in once a month and you can arrange to meet up with them at a designated spot at given times. They have a bit of freedom and you have peace of mind?

SerialComplaint

Aoifums wrote: »

We were resricted to O'Connell St, Henry St and Parnell St (just for Cineworld).

No offence, but this seems like just about the worst possible area for an unaccompanied 13 year old.