Proposals - should he ask permission?

Malari

convert wrote: »

So how would one balance the two extremes and find something to keep both sides happy. Should the couple ask for the father of the bride's blessing after the proposal, or should parents, no matter how old fashioned, realise that things have changed hugely over the last generation or two, and not expect future sons-in-law to ask for their blessing?

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

convert

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

I think it depends a lot on the individual, but I think there are a number of parents/fathers who would like to be asked rather than expect it.

Malari

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

There wasn't one :pac:

pickarooney

convert wrote: »

So how would one balance the two extremes and find something to keep both sides happy. Should the couple ask for the father of the bride's blessing after the proposal, or should parents, no matter how old fashioned, realise that things have changed hugely over the last generation or two, and not expect future sons-in-law to ask for their blessing?

Maybe the guy should mail the Dad with the girfriend on CC? That way officially the father is being asked first but he probably won't read his mail before his daughter reads hers.

Fluorescence

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

Doubt it. I'm pretty sure if someone asked my Dad for permission or a blessing before proposing to me, he'd either laugh him out of the house or be very confused and just be like, "Why are you asking me?"

Don't think he asked my granddad when he married my mam either, but I could be wrong about that,

Catari Jaguar

Why should only the father of the bride be asked for a blessing? Does the mother of the bride not count? Does a blessing from the grooms parents not matter? A mother of the groom is equivalent of a father of the bride imo in terms of Mammy's boy vs Daddy's girl.

But as I said before, it's not their business and if they did disapprove of my other half they could just take a running jump and wouldn't be asked to the wedding.

mollybird

me i'm not sure one way or the other if i like the guy asking for the fathers permission. me i'm an old romantic so ya in that sense i do like it but really can't see my OH doing it when the time comes so in that way i wouldn't be too upset if he didn't. it really is up to how the guy feels at the end of the day.

i wouldn't pressure a guy to do it.

Morgase

pickarooney wrote: »

Maybe the guy should mail the Dad with the girfriend on CC?

I interpreted that as crowd control on girlfriend; I must be playing too much WoW :pac:

Sound Bite

Permission = no, blessing = maybe.

While imo its a very outdated & possibly insulting tradition, my dad is kind of old school & I know that while he wouldn't expect it, he'd be absolutely chuffed if asked for his blessing.

Neyite

Have had this conversation - my dad is no longer with us, so the boyfriend would only have the mother to ask. He has already said he wont, because she cant keep a secret for 5 mins. But even if she was the soul of discretion, he would not ask anyones permission, except mine.

miaowmiaow

First of all, I know my partner would never ask anyone's "permission" to marry me, thankfully we both share similar views.
There'd also be the dilemma of the fact that my Dad has abandoned ship and is now somewhere in eastern europe (Ukraine, we think...) and my family has been extended so much I'm not sure who'd be the "Alpha Male" if there was one! there's also my Step dad, who's great and a sound guy, but he's the one who gave me "The Female Eunich" and encouraged me to develope my own opinions. I have a feeling he would be very unimpressed at a man apparently putting my opinion second to my fathers or step fathers.
I would regard someone asking any of my parental figures for the go-ahead to marry me as deeply insulting indeed!

Hannibal Smith

convert wrote: »

I've just been listening to a certain radio station on which marriage proposals were being discussed, and this question came up.

It seems from those who texted/emailed into the show, the majority, if not all, said that the guy had asked permission from the father before proposing to the girl.

I'm just wondering what's the general consensus on this (or is there one?) On one had, I think it's actually quite a nice thing to do, and maintains tradition, etc., but on the other hand, I don't think I'd like my parents knowing that my OH was going to propose, nor would I like the fact that he'd have to seek permission/approval for my hand in marriage.

My husband asked my dad before he proposed. There's a belief, similar to those expressed in the thread, that it's exacerbating the idea that women are property without a will of their own and that's fair enough. I used to think the same.

But I dunno, my dad's a real traditionalist and likes everything done 'right'. He's worked hard for our family all his life and I'm sure when a father holds a daughter for the first time he has all these expectations of walking her down the aisle etc, so I thought it would make him feel so important to be asked like that. For that reason, my husband knew if he was to ever propose to me, he'd have to ask my dad first.

Mind you, when he did ask my dad said, 'what are you asking me for, it's my daughter you want to be asking' :D:D

Maple

I've been self sufficient and out of the family home since I was 19, I don't ask either parent for any input into any decisions that I make on a daily basis so if the day comes that I am to get married I don't know how I'd feel about himself speaking to my Dad. And it certainly would be to ask for a blessing, and not for permission.

My folks are divorced, with my Dad vacating the family home, although it's still bitter and acrimonious and they can barely be civil to one another IF it came to getting a blessing from my parents i'd want BOTH of them to be asked at the same time, they're both equally important and both had a hand in raising me. And if I decided on a church wedding then I'd like them BOTH to walk me down the aisle.

I know my Dad would be touched to be asked for his blessing, he's a good man but it'd mean the world to my Mam.

Actually yes, that's what I'd like. Both to be asked or none at all.

caseyann

maple wrote: »

I've been self sufficient and out of the family home since I was 19, I don't ask either parent for any input into any decisions that I make on a daily basis so if the day comes that I am to get married I don't know how I'd feel about himself speaking to my Dad. And it certainly would be to ask for a blessing, and not for permission.

My folks are divorced, with my Dad vacating the family home, although it's still bitter and acrimonious and they can barely be civil to one another IF it came to getting a blessing from my parents i'd want BOTH of them to be asked at the same time, they're both equally important and both had a hand in raising me. And if I decided on a church wedding then I'd like them BOTH to walk me down the aisle.

I know my Dad would be touched to be asked for his blessing, he's a good man but it'd mean the world to my Mam.

Actually yes, that's what I'd like. Both to be asked or none at all.

Doesnt stop them for trying to give the input though i bet

Vinta81

No and my Dad would take the utter piss out of him if he did lol.

starlit

To be honest I wouldn't be bothered if he did or not. The only people he would have to ask permission would my mam and perhaps the rest of my family so that I would know they approve of him. I wouldn't be bothered really whether he asked permission or not. Traditionally it would be nice if he did, it would mean he is very committed but if he didn't ask permission I wouldn't take it to heart I would say that he has a lot of faith in me and the relationship if didn't ask permission. Only real person he need to ask permission would be me! lol.:cool: He shouldn't have to though, if he wants to he can. What ever way he approaches it its his choice.

Malari

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

I wonder if this is actually an Irish tradition, when it is not a made match.
I know that it wasn't the done thing, in my parents and grandparents time.

I wouldn't find it insulting, but I would be slightly embarrassed if someone asked my parents.
I think they would find the whole idea of being asked permission....Odd.

caseyann

Moonbaby wrote: »

I wonder if this is actually an Irish tradition, when it is not a made match.
I know that it wasn't the done thing, in my parents and grandparents time.

I wouldn't find it insulting, but I would be slightly embarrassed if someone asked my parents.
I think they would find the whole idea of being asked permission....Odd.

My favourite quote for marriage.Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and just be my friend.

Here is a few traditions.http://hubpages.com/hub/Irish-Wedding-Customs-Superstitions-and-Lucky-Traditions

I know it was old tradition to ask could you court their daughter and then have an escort for a while until he was trusted alone with her.Call to the door pick her up like a proper gentleman and see her home safely.
No kissing or hand holding for months.
Imagine the males of today having to cope with that lmao