'Dumping' friends

LegacyUser

I'm wondering have many people experienced this thing of dumping friends/being dumped. I actually thought it was only a thing for children/teens but then you grow out of it. Now I'm not talking about drifting apart from a friend or those recently made friends where you realise the other person isn't nice at all but, those ones where you have been friends for a while and one or the other actively decides to stop making contact and avoids the other.

I have been looking through another Irish forum that normally has more than it's fair share of b*tchyness but I couldn't get over the amount of women(it 99%women who post on the forum normally) who have fallen out with friends over something stupid and then decide to just ignore the friend. Judging from the posts some of these womens ex friends, to me seem to be going through a difficult time and their friend just dumps them, I really can't understand this.

I was kind of was a regular poster here but a while ago I saw someone I thought I know on here and had a look, it lead me to this other forum where I found out I did know her(pic posted) and she's dumped me (she also killed me off to her new internet friends but that's a whole other matter!). As a result I am very paranoid about posting on boards with my username which is why I'm going unreged now.

Basicly has anyone else seen or been apart of this happening and, why do you think it happened (in your case) as I know from experience there are layers of reasons and of course there's two sides to every story.

(Just to be clear on two things, I don't want this thread to me solely about me, which is why I haven't said why it happened, it would just become too PI but if people want to know I will tell and, yeah my spelling and grammar can be quite dire, I don't care about that.)

Up-n-atom!

I dunno, I haven't seen this happen really apart from when I was 13 and in school (and in that case it was great in the long run because the 'dumper' was a bitchy bully), but I have read articles in magazines about it recently, and it got me thinking about the friends I have. A lot of my friends, especially those I've been friends with for a long time, have little in common with me - they don't like the same music, films, dress-style, books, hobbies, etc. I was getting a bit fed up with this as I make concessions for their taste, I'm the odd one out in the group! I was thinking about maybe trying to distance myself from some of these friends, and maybe spending more time cultivating relationships with people who share more commonalities with me. However, over the last year I realise that what we do share is history, a sense of humour and a general outlook on life/being decent people, and this is worth something imo - I shouldn't necessarily have to shut these friends out to persue my own interests, or different friends for that matter.

Anyhew, refering to your post, that girl sounds like a b*tch if she's dropping you for no reason - good friends can be hard to find, it's stupid to fall out over silly things. They say when times are hard you find out who your true friends are - I couldn't be friends with anyone who had a problem being supportive to me when I needed it. As a matter of interest how close were you to this person? And have you any idea why you were 'dumped' so to speak? Personally I think it's harder being treated like this by a friend than in a relationship - you expect that relationships may have an expiry date, but not friendships.

Acoshla

I have dropped and been dropped as an adult, quite a few times actually but I think that is due to the nature of the friends I used to seek out, I try to avoid that type now.

The worst time it happened to me was when my best friend of 5 years did it to me. We met in school, were incredibly close for years, when she got pregnant I supported her as much as I could, dropped everything when her boyfriend left her, called an ambulance and picked up the pieces when she starting take loads of ecstasy on nights out, and in the end it was this that drove us apart, but in a weird way.

She dumped me, because, in her own words, I was no fun because I wouldn't take drugs with her and her new friends. I was heartbroken, I often say that she broke my heart worse than any boy ever did. She stopped contact almost immediately, I couldn't believe it. I used to see her and her child nearly every day and all of a sudden she was gone. We started speaking on facebook again last year, 5 years after it happened. Her child is now 7, she is wasting her life in the same old town, still living at home and living for the weekends. What makes me sad is the other "friends" she had have all moved on, and she's stuck in the same old rut.

The time I did the dumping was my oldest friend, and I'm glad every day that I did it. She was so full of drama, so self centred, self involved, and really truly believes everything is about her. She stormed out of my 21st party, after telling me that I was a bitch and that if she had known that night would be all about me she wouldn't have come....my 21st.

I gave her chance after chance after chance to prove she wasn't just a total cow, that there was something deeper under that to salvage, but nope, after 20 years of friendship I dropped her as quick as I could, and my life instantly became less dramatic.

Neyite

Yeah, Ive been dumped by a couple of friends. It started when one friend started seeing someone and he took a dislike to me for no reason. She just stopped all contact. The other friend 'didnt want to get involved' so that meant her not going on nights out with me, or texting me either.

We were all in our late twenties when it all happened, so it's not like we were all kids. It upset me and I find it really hard to make friends now with women, because I understood how breakups worked, and you know thats part of the risk with a bloke, but with a friend? I never saw it coming at all.

spinandscribble

Theres been people who I thought were friends and I had to cut out of my life. Some people you can talk out problems with, others can be dangerous/OTT/cut throat or simply not really a friend.

Most of the time if i've been pushed to this (not often thank god) I generally don't let on to others because my own personal issue with someone might have nothing to do with a mutual friend.

Theres only been one time i've been in a group where one girl was "dumped" by a group. i was the last to "dump" her but only after realising no matter how hard I tried to be her friend i would constantly get berated for no reason, spoken to like something you step in and expected to take sides when the other girls didn't mind if I was her friend anyway!!!

confusticated

I don't remember it ever happening to me, but I've done it. Consciously stopped trying with a friendship. It wasn't a proper friendship anymore, I had become a dumping ground for her woes and any advice I gave wasn't heeded anyway, we never had fun anymore and she wasn't there for me at all, ever. That might sound very selfish, but she was still going out and being normal with other friends, so I felt she could go to them with problems too. I tried for a long time.

Friendships are relationships too, they require some effort. Loyalty should work both ways and tbh life is too short to be making massive efforts with someone that you don't actually like anymore.

(Obviously just my personal experience!)

LegacyUser

I'll be honest here. I have dumped three 'friends'. The first two were school friends. It was a toxic circle, one would bitch about the other, who would invariably find out etc. When we all went to different colleges I kept in contact for a while but I decided I was better off without them. They didn't miss me.

The third friend I felt much worse about because there was nothing concrete to say to her. I had a bad feeling about the friendship from the start but thought I would give it a chance. She was really clingy but at the same time made me feel quite insecure. She was also quite jealous of my OH, and if I just wanted to stay at home on the sofa she would manipulate me into thinking I was a bad friend for not hanging out with her. I was not drinking at the time and she made me feel bad that I wasn't drinking every time we went out. The insinuations and the peer pressure was the final straw for me. I sent her an email saying I needed some space. I must admit the way I did it was the worst part, I felt like such a coward. But it was like breaking up with someone, which was the weirdest part of it. But the 'friendship' felt very much like a relationship, which was too weird for me.

I am a people-pleaser so even though these people were what could be called 'toxic friends' I still feel terrible that I may have caused them hurt.

tatabubbly

I did it, once to someone I knew for a long time, went to primary and secondary school. Realised when i started college, that she really wasn't a nice person, self centred, bad tempered etc. I do regret how i left it with her some days but i'm a better person now without her dragging me down.

However on the other side, i have been dropped by i'd say all bar one person i met during college, including housemates.. Hey, crap happens!

Dudess

Never happened to me - apart from the meeting a guy and not bothering to contact friends from then on thing. But that only happened when I was a lot younger. In fairness, I don't see anything wrong with spending a lot less time with your friends when you meet a guy you're crazy about - things are different and good friends should understand that. But after a certain amount of time, I think it's only right that you pick up with them, if less than before. Although in the case of long-distance relationships, I fully understand people spending entire weekends/time off with their partners.
When friends have children, it's definitely reasonable for them to be out of the socialising loop - and sometimes when people think their friends have cut them out because of a new baby, it can be the case that the friend with the baby thinks their friends have forgotten about them... so it's no harm to give them a shout and see if they'd like a visit/meet-up etc.
It's not a one-way street.

vicecreamsundae

I have friend-dumped once (she so deserved it... ) but then around christmas i got all soft and didnt want to hold a grudge so we got in contact again.

i have been friend dumped numerous times. one of the cases was the most heartbreaking thing ever, and hurt way worse than any break up. almost two years later he emailed me out of the blue apologising ( a couple months ago ) and i literally dropped my phone with the shock. was so upsetting, but really was one of the best things of 2010. i do hold a grudge i admit, but once the person shows the slightest sign of a sincere apology i let them right back in. maybe not a great thing, but i cant help it if i care about them!

one case though is still baffling. girl i was best friends with througout college, never had any falling out, she just stopped replying to my emails, never said happy birthday or anything ( which honestly really upset me and kind of ruined my birthday and which is why i decided for once i wouldnt be the one emailing her asking what was wrong). we have a very close mutual friend who , fair enough, doesnt want to get involved, but also seems to have no idea why she stopped talking to me (or wont mention it). i'm not one of those people who thinks i can do wrong, but in this case i really cannot think of what i could possibly have done. and to not say hi on my birthday, or happy christmas.... **** her, she was obviously no real friend.

i used to think there must be something wrong with me! but it happens to so many people i know. and i'd rather judge myself by all the friends who havnt cut me out than the couple who have -says much more about them than me i think!!

AnneElizabeth

You grow tired of people after awhile - you change and they change or maybe one changes and the other doesn't. You're not going to be friends with people for life, and certainly not good friends.
You grow apart and move on. And often it's not that people fall out with friends over a little thing - it's a lot of little things.

I don't see the point in being friends with someone just for the sake of it.
Plus often people with families don't have much time for friends.

vicecreamsundae

i agree and i think drifting away from certain friends gradually is normal.
i think this is more about "friend-dumping" where it's more of an aggressive drifting apart, or when one friend just seems to cut another off without explanation.

i have some not-too-close friend who i am friends with just for the sake of it, and we might go aaaages without talking and then catch up a bit and it's fine, neither will be mad at the other for not making time. but it's different to going from being really close friends with someone to refusing to talk to them very suddenly. i dont really understand it.

Blush_01

While I have been "dumped" a few times, I've never dumped anyone since the primary school/secondary school transition, and even that was a combination of mutual dumping and drifting.

I was accused of dumping a friend about 7 years ago, but to be honest I think that was just drifting too - I was never less friendly with her, I never contacted her less, I was just not as available to meet up because I was in college during the week and at home at weekends, and whenever she was free I wasn't. She found it harder than I did, but the circumstances that had bound our friendship and our common reference points were changing, and we just were in very different places. I still miss her, but she completely cut me off, which is fine really but I hope she's doing well.

The ones that really hurt were the ones where there was a 100% cut, with no explanation. It's happened twice, and while I'm still very upset about the first one (especially as the reason why I was dumped has been explained to me by mutual friends, and is complete bo!!ox tbh) the second doesn't really surprise me, although it was sh!tty and childish, but realistically it doesn't surprise me, although the circumstances were odd.

I'm ok with drifting, not everyone will change in the way you're changing, and there's no animosity in changing. I just think everyone deserves some respect, and if you don't respect someone enough to be honest with them (obviously tactfully so!) then it's a bigger reflection on you than them.

Princess Peach

I'm 23 and I fell out with my best friend a few months ago. She did a bad thing, left me alone for a boy and knew I was very upset with it. But since then she has done nothing to try and apologise, or even to talk to me. Only time she texts now is to invite me to group events, only time I see her is hanging out with our other friends. We'll have a bit of awkward chat and be friendly and civil to each other, but we're nothing like we used to be.

After we fell out I realised that she was a bad friend anyway, and I do actually feel that I'm better off not hanging out with her. She can be a bad influence on me. So not sure who "dumped" who, since neither of us are trying to sort it out.

We'd been friends since primary school, but we're just very different people now. I think that knowing someone for a long time, isn't really the best foundation for a friendship.

Chinafoot

This will probably make me sound very harsh but I have dumped people in the past, quite a few actually. I can be very uncompromising when it comes to nastiness, bullying, drama-llamery and fakeness. I refuse to have such people in my life and I can very easily cut people out if they turn out to be like that. I don't fall out with people over nothing and have in the past, with one friend in particular, gone so far beyond what most would put up with in the hopes of her realising how she was behaving and how she was treating me. In the end I couldn't take the abuse anymore and she was gone. Since her I probably am more cut throat when it comes to the people in my life, but tbh, life is too short to drink bad wine

I have also been dumped but only when there was a new boyfriend/girlfriend involved. I'm all for the honeymoon period but there comes a point where you need to get a grip on yourself and realise that even the best friendships need to be maintained to some degree. You can't disappear for years at a time and then come back as if nothing happened when your relationship doesn't work out.

One friend in particular who I have known my whole life has done this to me multiple times. But he does it the worst way. He shuts me out as if I have done something to him. He comes across as angry and nasty and carries on like I insulted his whole family or murdered his puppy. I don't know why he does it and have never managed to get an explanation. For some reason I usually end up back in contact and he'll apologise, swear it'll never happen again but it always does. This is genuinely the last time though. Its got to such a point where there is no friendship there anymore, and realistically there hasn't been for many years, so I have deleted him from my life. He no longer exists to me because he's treated me like utter shít too many times.

LegacyUser

I've been the dumper and the dumpee!

My best childhood friend dumped me by email when I moved away to college (70 miles away). She sent me an email saying that we would grow apart anyway, and that I was to "enjoy my life". The week I moved home from college (four years later) she was all over me. I reckon she was a bit jealous of my new life/ friends etc. but as soon as I came home she wanted to be matey again.

Two years ago, I dumped a very good friend of mine cos she turned into a horrible person. She was overly bitchy, involving herself actively in things that didn't concern her, spreading horrible rumours and just generally being a complete drama queen. She was in a toxic relationship and the bloke turned her into someone else. She stopped talking to her parents and siblings because of him too. She has a kid, and I just saw the downturn in her level of care for the little lad, they would fight in front of him, throwing things, slamming doors etc. I just didn't want to be associated with her anymore.

But there are genuine situations where people grow apart as adults too, and that has happened many times to me.

MJOR

I have on occasion stopped making an effort if for example i found that i was doing all the contacting for a while.

Sometimes it means you drift and other times it mean the other person makes more of an effort and then the friendship is back on track.

ismiseuisce

I haven't been dumper or a "dumpee", but when I started college I made friends with two girls and we were like the three musketeers for the first two years of college.

In our third year they both fell out. I'm still not sure why or who was the dumper/dumpee, but it's really weird now as I try my best to stay friends with both of them but because they hate each other now, it's hard for me to have a chat with one of them without awkward conversation about the other one.

Looking back, they really don't have much in common so I can understand why they're not friends now, but I do miss the simpler times when there was no tension.

Kimia

Like Chinafoot, I'm fairly black and white about some things and I have as a consequence been the dumper on a number of occasions.

I have had a few toxic friends too, one of which was (when I look back) just horrible and I'm surprised that I didn't drop her sooner tbh. I would be quite a friendly person and I like meeting new people so I have a tendancy to throw myself into new friendships too quickly, and sometimes that doesn't work out.

I have also been dumped a few times. One by a girl I was really close to, and I was really hurt when she stopped contact. In the end I sent her a message saying that I really appreciated our friendship and how it enriched my life, and how I wished her well. She replied (she hadn't before then), and that was kinda nice, being able to say goodbye to her and both of us acknowledging that although we weren't friends anymore, it was great to have experienced it. Bittersweet.

It's weird isn't it. It's very much like a relationship ending, it's the same lonely feeling because that person left their mark on you. It's just as hurtful and sad when a friendship ends I think. I (like someone mentioned above) am now a little hesitant of making new friends because I don't want the inevitable hurt if one of those new friendships doesn't work out.

starlit

Its a very common thing to happen even to adult women not just children and teens. Can occur for men too but usually its over a woman often or not or not hanging out with each other much that causes men to drift away from their friends. Women it could be anything usually if friends drift apart is a common thing other times there are other reasons behind it more serious reasons.

I've experienced it myself in childhood, teenage years and while being adult woman. Often its been due to distancing ourselves or just drifting apart or not spending time with each other much or due to not getting along. Nothing major. I've been both the dumpee and the dumper in equal measures but often been the dumpee more than the dumper but usually its on both parties not just me or the other so drifting apart is the most common reason why my some of my friendships didn't last. Some people are better at keeping in contact than others aswell. Only the very best and closest of my friendships have lasted!

Whispered

spinandscribble wrote: »

Theres been people who I thought were friends and I had to cut out of my life. Some people you can talk out problems with, others can be dangerous/OTT/cut throat or simply not really a friend

+1, I "dumped" one friend. Although I didn't just ignore her, I told her to stop contacting me. This was after taking nothing but negativity from her for months. It was only near the end of our friendship that I realised just how self centered she is. And not just around me, she refused to drive 30 mins out of her way to visit a good friend when the friend lost a family member, she used to laugh at another friends OH calling him fat etc. EVERYTHING was about her. I told her I had gotten engaged, and she started talking about her bowel movements. She cut me out at one stage because she "couldn't bare to see me happy", for over a year, then got back in touch when she needed a room to rent in the area. She insulted my home, my taste, my other friends, my OH, my dog, my christmas tree. She was never there when I needed her, but would call at all hours with her latest problem.

All of this I ignored, then she got a new b/f, she told me that she didn't want me getting to know him, because she didn't want him to get the "wrong impression" of her based on her friends. Funny thing is I have since bumped into her ex who told me that she had said I didn't like him, while telling me that he didn't like me. Final straw was she said she'd be out for a drink for my husbands birthday and just didn't show up. No apologies, nothing.

Cutting her out was the best thing I've ever done. Nobody needs friends who try to make them feel bad about themselves. I do occasionally think about her, because when she wasn't being selfish she was fun and sweet, but the nastiness became more and more apparant as time went on.

OP, why not send her a message? If she's "killed you off" (do you mean she was saying stuff about you?) you know the reason she has cut you out, if you feel she's unfair, you can message her and stand up for yourself maybe?

Pretty_Pistol

I saw this happen between two guys within a group not too long ago. It was horrible because it wasn't just a dumping - it seemed to turn into bullying. The bully would make the other guys life miserable and purposely exclude him if the group were doing anything. I wasn't friends with either of them but Jesus some people can be cruel.

I personally haven't dealt with dumping since my school days. If I feel a friendship is drifting or if there's a problem I say something. I hate drama and find it mean to completely ignore a friend unless they've done something bad.

Sanjuro

Just going to share my own experience of this issue. A few years ago, I ran with a particular crowd. All mid-twenties, did the usual things mid-twenty year olds do. Things on the surface were all right, but just below the surface, there was a lot of tension. And I didn't get on with one or two of the guys. They didn't like me, and I knew it. We had arguments and what not. And then we went on a trip to New York for a week.

On the last night, there was a lot of drinking. We all ended up back in the apartment at different stages of the night. And through the jigs and the reels, myself and another of the group ended up being smacked about by one of the other guys. Big guy, built like a tank. Myself and the other bloke didn't stand a chance!

On the plane home, I made the decision that it was time I took a step away from that group. It wasn't an easy decision as it was the only 'group' of people I considered friends. I had other friends, but they ran with their own group of friends whome I was only acquainted with. But I knew if I continued hanging around with the people I was hanging around with, I'd never be happy.

Turned out it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But I don't consider it 'dumping' friends. Since I took the step-back, I've still seen that group once or twice a year, at parties or whatever. And there's no bad blood. We have a laugh when we see each other and it's good. Sometimes these things happen. But it's not always a bad thing, and sometimes a really good step to take.

Ickle Magoo

I'd be from the "life's too short...." school of thought. I don't see the point of being friends with someone for purely historic reasons even if they are a terrible friend who offers nothing any more.

I have been an itinerant most of my adult life and so I guess never having had a small circle of friends in the locale to choose friends from, picking and choosing to stay friends with some while deliberately not maintaining others that are more trouble/work than they are worth has become a way of life. I have have made friends all over and some have gone on to move all over the world. There are some who have been lousy at keeping in touch and making the effort that live very close to me now, while others who might live on the other-side of the world make the effort to call, e-mail and meet up.

I think sometimes friends just grow apart, stop having things in common or even life experiences change them as people and then the healthiest thing is to cut contact, not hang on regardless out of a sense of duty or historic sentimentality. I haven't ever ignored someone after falling out over something stupid but I've certainly had friendships reach a point where the effort required to maintain or continue the friendship far outweighs any benefits from having it.

Misticles

I've dumped a few friends- mainly from school as our lives completely changed and we ended up having no common interests anymore, well I suppose that case would be more of drifting apart.

I did however, dump a drama queen. At the beginning it was all fine and dandy, we were getting on like a house on fire. I slowly noticed how extremely bitchy and clingy she was. Everthing was all ME ME ME ME!
Thought nothing of it though I should have copped straight away that this was a disaster waiting to happen!

When something didnt go the way she wanted it, she made up lies about me and made sure to spread them making sure others would take her side and let her get all the sympathy. Resulting in mutual friends not talking to me! Sure they can shoe off!

I did try to find out the cause but when it was down to lies of things that I had apparently done (which I had not) I just didnt bother anymore as I saw what she was really like! That being a drama queen who exaggerates everything for her own benefit!

TBH I don't look back on that at all as I have made a lot more BETTER and more LOYAL friends then she will ever amount to!

Its better to skim the fat and keep the ones!

LegacyUser

Whispered wrote: »

OP, why not send her a message? If she's "killed you off" (do you mean she was saying stuff about you?) you know the reason she has cut you out, if you feel she's unfair, you can message her and stand up for yourself maybe?

When I said she's killed me off, it was that I saw that she said I had died to other posters in this forum. She has been meeting up with these people so to her new friends I have died.


In short what happened was, stuff happened made me depressed(although I think I was already heading there) I withdrew from alot of things and if I were to get out of bed that would be a good day. She came to me with great news and was expecting me to be happy and excited but at the time all I could feel was an empty sadness, tried faking it (like I would normally do) but it just came out all wrong and probably fake. After that I was too negitive for her, she stopped contacting me and when she did I would freak out a little (could feel my pulse going through my head whenever my phone went off)
Sum it up as the depression made me hide away from everyone, I couldn't be happy for her when something good happened and I was too negitive when we did meet up.

We were good friends, so much so that someone else asked me was I going to be her bridesmaid. At this stage I don't think the friendship can be repaired, for me the trust is gone. I can't really blame her because with the depression I was difficult but she knew about it so I thought she'd be more understanding. At the same time I'm fairly sure now that she was going through some bad stuff to with what had happened. I'm still depressed so I don't think I would be able to sort this out without help from someone else because I know I'd get two words out and then start freaking out(I normally run away when that happens)

Ickle Magoo

Duckbell, if you want personal advice, I'll have to move this thread to PI...

Contessa Raven

I've had a couple of friendships end over the years. One I'm unsure who was technically the "dumper". She (We'll call her Mary) was a good friend of mine and we were part of a group of about 6 girls.

Me and my best friend became friends with Mary's ex-boyfriend. She had told us all these horrible things about him and when we met him at first we were naturally quite wary.
After a while we noticed that he didn't seem like the person Mary had portrayed him to be and we actually became good friends with him.

Mary was less than happy that he had become a part of our lives and she insisted that we choose between him and her. We thought she was being unreasonable because our friendship with him was totally separate from her and we didn't talk about him or what had happened. A week after she demanded we stopped being friends with him, Mary and us weren't on speaking terms.

Then I had a friend (we'll call her Tina) who I made in my last year of school. We became really close. Hung out all the time, went shopping, had sleepovers etc.

Then in September we both went off to separate colleges. We still met up regularly and that but we were naturally a bit busier.
At the end of first year I was online and I started talking to her on MSN. She immediately went offline. A few days later, I was on a social networking site and I saw her disappear out of my friends list right in front of my eyes.

A week later I went to a gig that my mate was playing at and lo and behold Tina walked in with another of her friends. I went over to her and I asked her if I'd done something to her (because I had analysed the last few weeks over and over and I still couldn't think of what I'd done) and she just looked me up and down and turned away.

So that was that. To this day I have NO idea what I did to Tina and why she cut me out. For months and months I was so upset about it. Looking back on it now though, I realise that she was clearly no friend of mine.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Duckbell, if you want personal advice, I'll have to move this thread to PI...

I don't want advice I know what I should do but it's a matter of doing it. I was really just surprised at the amount of women who said they had dumped a friend on the other website and I found there views to be a bit distorted(seems to me the nature of the site) so I thought to ask here, which is far more level headed than the other site. I really didn't know what kind of answers I'd get, I had no idea women did things like this.


Also I left what happened to me out of the op and left it a day or two, I didn't want the op to be a 'oh woe is me, I need help' but if people did want to know (which two asked) I would tell(saying that I did leave alot out, which I don't want to post on the internet)

Ickle Magoo

Duckbell wrote: »

I don't want advice I know what I should do but it's a matter of doing it. I was really just surprised at the amount of women who said they had dumped a friend on the other website and I found there views to be a bit distorted(seems to me the nature of the site) so I thought to ask here, which is far more level headed than the other site. I really didn't know what kind of answers I'd get, I had no idea women did things like this.


Also I left what happened to me out of the op and left it a day or two, I didn't want the op to be a 'oh woe is me, I need help' but if people did want to know (which two asked) I would tell(saying that I did leave alot out, which I don't want to post on the internet)

Though you seem loathe to post in PI, that doesn't stop a thread that's really just about a particular poster and an issue they have being better suited to PI than here - otherwise it's very unfair to all the other posters who get their queries and advice threads moved just because they were upfront from the outset that that is what they wanted. General discussion, grand - if it becomes a Q&A for one poster, it will have to be moved to a more suitable forum. :cool:

Abi

I've never dumped, or been dumped by a friend before. I have about a handful of female friends, who I would have known since I was a kid, and we've the unspoken deal that we see each other, when we see each other. I can smell drama and toxicness from a woman a mile off, so one wouldn't even get into my friends circle in the first place.

This has happened to my sister before, she was the dumper. I just found it facinating that rather than talk out a problem with her friend she just started ignoring her texts and calls. I think her complaint was that their friendship was all one-sided, and her friend was always going on about herself and her relationship with her boyfriend. Fast forward about six months, said ex-friend comes up and they throw their arms around each other...


Givvus another pint there, will ya barman :rolleyes:


I just dont geddit. If a friendship takes so much work.. why bother? =/

Whispered

Duckbell wrote: »

When I said she's killed me off, it was that I saw that she said I had died to other posters in this forum. She has been meeting up with these people so to her new friends I have died.

God that's shocking, there's cutting someone off and there's cutting someone off. She actually made up a story about you dying and told people? :eek: You should defo contact her.

I'm sure she must know now anyway if she posts on this forum?

Duckbell wrote: »

for me the trust is gone.

This may not be relevant for your situation, so please disregard if you like, but the trust is likely to have gone for your friend too. Had she ever tried to speak to you about how she felt before cutting you out? In my case I tried 3 times to seriously tell her what was going on in my head. At one stage we both ended up crying and hugging, professing how much we love each other etc. So I only gave up on the friendship when I thought that there was nothing more I could do. At that stage the trust was well and truly gone for me too. I know for a fact she is going around saying things such as "I have no idea why she won't talk to me" "I've done nothing" and that she wouldn't trust me again.

I'm just aware that I am coming at this story from the other side and I know how it is to have to end a friendship with someone, then have them react as if I was being unreasonable. There are 2 sides to our story and I was just as hurt by the way she acted during our friendship, as she was by me ending the friendship. Of course she is not telling that part of the story, and only the bit where I unfairly cut her off. We were never as close as you seem to have been though so I can imagine you being upset.

When you care about someone, it's not easy to cut them out and it seems you and your friend cared about each other and circumstances got in the way. Why not contact her and see if you can build back up your friendship. You may both feel a lack of trust now, but surely that can be built back up over time.

Cat Melodeon

Some relationships just don't work out. And some people are very slow to take gentle hints or may be completely oblivious to polite attempts to bring a friendship down a notch or two. Sometimes the only way out is to break it off completely. Especially when the friend you're trying to ease away from is self-obsessed and incapable of seeing beyond her own problems, or has expectations of you that can never be lived up to. I've had these sort of toxic one-way 'friendships'. Unless there's a very deep history it's very difficult to commit to helping someone like that, especially when you have crap of your own to deal with. People who wallow in drama and misery need others to feed their drama and misery. Better and healthier for all concerned to end it and move on with your lives.

Chinafoot

Abi wrote: »

I just found it facinating that rather than talk out a problem with her friend she just started ignoring her texts and calls.

I don't agree with this either. Like I said, I have removed some people from my life but they have always been told why. Its never a big confrontation or anything, more of a "look, this isn't working for me anymore. I can't handle the drama. Best of luck."

Ignoring them, and then being all nicey nice when you bump into them is just fake and immature.

astra2000

I have had friends over the years that I have drifted apart from, for no particular reason, mainly work friends and when one of us changed job or moved away it just dwindled out. But if I met any of them in the street tomo we would have a good old chat.
However there was one episode that really to this days gets on my nerves. When my oldest daughter started school one of her classmates mums actively pursued a friendship with me, she is not from Ireland shes american and didnt know a lot of people. Now I thought she appeared nice and pleasant if a little touchy/feely and precious. I really wasnt drawn to her in the way you can be when you make new friends and to be honest I really didnt feel I had a lot of time to give to meeting her etc, this is something I would never consider with my other friends, so from the beginning the friendship was forced on my behalf, but I hid it well, people would even remark that we were great friends! Anyway one day at school pickup she was cool with me just a hi and walked on by, I didnt take much heed but that continued. I really didnt care but I was puzzled as I knew I hadnt done anything.
From what I can figure our two daughters were not getting along, both are very headstrong imho and she decided my daughter was to blame. Now in the year that has passed her daughter has fallen out on a regular basis with all the other class mates and will only play with kids much younger than she. I think the mum has now cottoned on and she has started been much more friendly to me last few months. I can see she is puzzled about why I only smile and say hello and continue walking or whatever, but I am not going down that line again, maybe if I had really liked her I would.
My advice to anyone would be it is better to have a few good trustworthy friends than loads whom you could never really turn to in times of need.

Chuchoter

At the beginning of this year I dropped a couple of girls who were mean to me and never included me, but at the same time I was really close to one of the girls (even though she was a bit of a cow). Now I'm friends with a new group of people, who are very nice, but a lot less interesting than the original set of girls. I'm not sure if I made the right decision

Loopie

I've never been friend-dumped but I've been the dumper. Friendships aren't immune to the changes that other relationships go through.

You're not happy, friendship is toxic, friend is adding nothing to your life, you don't miss them when you don't see them, you don't want to meet up with them..if it was a boyf/girlf situation, you would break up, so what makes a friendship any different?

I'm not being cold hearted here, but life is far, far too short for wasting time on people who drain you. Some people are suited to be lifelong friends, others not. That's life!

Abi

Chinafoot wrote: »

I don't agree with this either. Like I said, I have removed some people from my life but they have always been told why. Its never a big confrontation or anything, more of a "look, this isn't working for me anymore. I can't handle the drama. Best of luck."

Ignoring them, and then being all nicey nice when you bump into them is just fake and immature.

I completely agree. Theres something disgustingly two-faced about it that makes my skin crawl.

Kanoe

I don't have very many female friends because I think I have more trust issues (or probably more correctly self esteem issues) around them than male friends and recently called it a day on a friendship as I could no longer figure out where it was going. It sounds similar to the situation you described where you were depressed and were unable to let them know (may have been the case but I've contacted her since to see if anything had happened and there doesn't appear to have) I had done something nice for her and we were supposed to meet up but I never heard back, so I took it that she just didn't want to know or that I had done something to offend her and left it at that. (I was also dealing with my own stuff so had run out of ways to give a crap)
I'm pretty sure I'm not on any other fora so it aint me

Cat Melodeon

Abi wrote: »

This has happened to my sister before, she was the dumper. I just found it facinating that rather than talk out a problem with her friend she just started ignoring her texts and calls.

I've been accused of this when in fact I had attempted in a myriad ways to bring it to an end gently. I went so far as to explain that I was feeling pressurised, but she just seemed to ignore what I was saying. I felt I had no choice but to blank her, she wouldn't take a hint. Some people just refuse to see beyond themselves.

SparkyTech

While some friends you might have been close to become aloof/outgrow you, psychically change jobs or move address, change personality disposition etc you'll natrauly grow apart and thats all well and good. Not everyone is going to be lifelong friends and not everyone is going to like you. Some people turn toxic and are draining of your energy and time and others don't like bieng your soundboard. Thats fair enough.

What does annoy me though, is when you are on the receiving end of being dumped as a friend and the person does not offer an explanation as to why. Ive no problem if Ive done something wrong, or if the person on the other side doesn't practiculary gel to me for whatever reason, but to just cut all ties without any explanation is petty and childish, imo. Whats wrong with a 20 min phone call or half hour for coffee just to say ''hey, listen im sorry but for X, Y, Z i don't feel itll work out but i wish you all the best''. You can both learn from the experience and move along amicably.

Had this experience recently with a friend I went for brunch with, had a drink with, and two dvd nights. Great craic and easy to relate to. Between all the communication and meet up's over the last month i thought we had really hit it off as friends, and perhaps potential for something more, however even platonic was happy for him to have entered my life. Low and behold, arranged for cinema on Sunday that Thursday. He txt'd to say that was grand and get back to me bout times. Txt'd times sat eve at 5, confirming all ok, no response. Ring at 230 next day, phone rings out. Come wensday, still no txt/call/facebook back to explain what happened. And when I log in wens evening, ive been blocked and deleted from this persons facebook with no reason why!

Leaving the other person in the loop is unfair and petulant. Be a decent compassionate human being and let the other person down gently. Why does it matter if you never want to see them again anyway?