Heartbroken over childcare

LegacyUser

This morning I had to tell my lovely childminder that I was taking my 3 kids out and getting someone into the house to look after them. I have had the most wonderful childminder for 7 years and to be honest she is more family and friend at this stage than anything. My kids love her and she is amazing with them and the experience they got with her they wlll never get anywhere in a million years. She dose so much with them and the food is amazing

She reduced the cost of out childcare bill for us last month as she knew we were struggling. She always seems to know when thing where really tight and got shoes for one of our daughters birthdays as they where needed but did it in such a lovely way as to make it the childs birthday present and lunch out for my child and myself. Will take the kids to the cinema as to be honest it would not be happening without her, just costs to much. To be honest if it was not for her they would have very few treats.

Anyway even with the reduction we just could not make it so I found someone who will come into the house for 200 euro a week and mind all 3 8-30 to 6pm. She will also draw the dole.

The girl seems ok but just not like our wonderful childminder. She is very young but I feel I have no choice. It all comes down to money. Dreading telling the kids, they will be heartbroken. My husband is leaving it all up to me.

I could see the hurt on my childminders face this morning, I told her it was down to money and how happy we where with her. She was shocked and I felt so small. She rang me a little while later to know if I was ok but we both ended up crying on the phone. She said why did I not ask her to reduce the fees more but I told her I could not expect to pay so much less than what everyone else is paying, she told me she would have happily done it. I feels she is so disappointed in me and I am trying to do what is best for my family.To be honest I dont feel this new girl is but I can afford to pay her) and my husband is away for work a lot. I really dont want to lose the friendship of my childminder as she is so much more than that. She had done so much and so has her husband over the years for us and always helped and never made me feel I was putting her out if I was late or asked her to help me at a weekend. She spoils all the children at birthdays and christmas and they all have a party.

All the other mothers who use her all adore her and all joke that not one of us have not cried in her kitchen at some stage. She is a friend to both parents and children. Very experienced, fun, insured, HSE notified and totally amazing. The mornings I have walked out of her house with muffins and scones to take into work for break. Every morning bread is cooking along with scones, buns, tarts, muffins etc. The food the kids get is out of this world and on night when my husband is away I am sent home with a tupperware box of whatever they had for dinner to heat up for myself.

I cried all morning at work and both my friend at work and my mum told me I would be foolish to let her go. To talk to her and see if I can work something out. She is charging me fees for 2 children and not charging for my 3rd but I cant even afford that. What should I do??? I can hardly expect her to only charge for 1 child and take up 3 places. Before the down turn we could easily aford her and she is not charging anymore than anyone else local.

I really dont want to lose her friendship or for my children not to be able to see her or her husband. It would break my heart and the kids. On the odd mums nights I had out with her I had always hoped in the future she would be a friend for life and not after seeing the hurt in her eyes this morning I am not sure she would even want anything to do with me. I know she always has a waiting list and will fill the place.

Should I ask her to talk about fees? I feel it is unfair to be paying so much less than everyone but just dont feel happy about the new girl, she is young, no experence, and going to be still claiming dole. I am dreading having to tell the children, thay love her and want to go even at weekends.

Please help.

Moonbeam

Where to start...

Not paying you new childminders prsi,min wage and having her working in your home voids insurance and is illegal also knowing and employing her while knowing she is still going to claim the dole is welfare fraud but apart from that.

Desperate times call for desprete measures and cause people to act in ways that they normally would not.

I would see what agreement that we could come to with the wonderful child minder,your kids love her she loves them you are happy with them and in my experience that is far greater then a cheaper childminder that you are not happy with.

Wantobe

Talk to her. Try to come to an arrangement first. Only if you can't work something out, then try someone else.

For eg ,what ages are your children now? What are you currently paying and are they at school?

I've been through a few changes with childcare myself, the one thing is that as the children get older the childminder is less important as they form social bonds with other children rather than the childminder. So if they are in school a combination of an afterschool club/childminder or au-pair could work.

LegacyUser

My children are 1, 4 and 7 and a half.

I know we should be paying prsi but to be honest we do not have the money. I dont feel that this young girl is right but how can I pay a experience, HSE notified, insured, wonderful childminder so little?? She is doing a amazing job and deserves to be paid for it.

What do I say to her. I am dreading collecting the kids. I just feel so small and dont know what to say or do. We had another childminer when our oldest daughter was small and she used to scream going in, from the first day I dropped her to our darling chilminder she took to her and her husband. He is also fantastic with the children and neither of them ever made us or any parent feel like it was about money.

The kindness they showed the girls was unbelieveable and the love my girls have for them both is amazing. No child would ever get treated as well as in that house. I wish I was half the parent that my childminder has been to my girls.

I have spent more time crying today than working, mu husband is useless and this is all falling on my shoulders. To be honest he is more in love with him job than us, we come second.

I collect the girls in a hour and dont know what to do or say. I am also very aware that other parents could be picking up at the same time and dont want to be crying on the kitchen floor.

I have already agreed for the first girl to start the first week in feb.

Please help

kelle

OP, do you work part-time? If so, is there any other part-timer working different hours to you that you could both reciprocate childminding? One of my colleagues did this for years, and it worked perfectly for her and didn't cost a penny!

I don't mean to worry you, but read this thread - just be aware of what the implications could be.

I can understand your predicament with your childminder, she sounds like she is really dedicated to your children. I was in a similar situation last year where my daughter was in a creche with a lovely minder but the creche was 7 miles out of my way to go to work (adding 14 miles per day to my work commute!) that when my local creche had a vacancy I moved her there. It broke my heart to see her minder's tears and I was tearful too - but it was the best decision I ever made. She is so happy there.

If you lived near me, we might be able to help each other out!

deman

How well do you know this girl? Think about it. She could have you well and truly screwed if you don't keep her sweet. She could start asking for more money, anything! I really sympathise with you but be very very careful. Have you looked into Au Pairs?

LegacyUser

I work full time and need fulltime care for my children.

I was in such a state that I got my husband to pick up the children. I would not have been able to walk in the door without crying so I decided that I will wait and talk to her in the morning. Not sure what to say or do. The whole bloody thing is a mess.

To me and the kids she was not just a childminder, she was far more. It is heartbreaking but I just dont have the money anymore to pay even what we are paying and I feel I am taking away from her income if she reduced it anymore. She is worth a million.

I wish now I had not said anything this morning. My husband sees it as up to me to sort out and wont get involved or help. He said she looked really awful when he picked the kids up. Tired and upset.

What a mess. Please any advice

we'llallhavetea_old

i think you should just sit down and talk to your childminder and see what she has to say about the money situation. you could offer to cook a few casseroles for the kids meals during the week to cut costs and help her out etc. explore every possible avenue before you walk away from this woman because by the sounds of things, it may just make your life miserable. really sorry for your situation op.

January

Does your husband help pay for childcare?

LegacyUser

January wrote: »

Does your husband help pay for childcare?

It comes from a joint bank account. both wages are paid into a joint account. He has no interest in childcare and has always left it to me. He made it clear when the idea of getting someone cheaper that it was going to be up to me to arrange as he is to busy with work and wants no part of it. It has always been that way. I sort out the house and children, he dose the DIY and gardening.

What do I say to my childminder tomorrow. Really upset for her and myself. My head is in a mess. Just put the kids to bed and they are all chat about what they did all day. Made me want to cry again.

Nevyn

Who made the decion that the cut in the household budget had to be in the childcare?
Is there anywhere else that cuts can be made?
So you both work full time but you are doing what 20 hours + then cooking and cleaning and end up being the default parent in charge of the kids while he works and does diy and gardening?

You are not living in a equitable household, sorry but he is just not being fair on you or the children and then will leave you to pick up all the slack, that is not a partnership or a marriage, imho.

we'llallhavetea_old

have to agree with thaedydal there, gardening and diy? thats a tiny fraction compared to rearing three kids and running a household.

MeleadyM

I can see your distress and really sympathise with you, one thing I would say about bringing someone into the house you will pay her e200 and becides the whole dole etc.... think of the additional costs of ESB, Phone, Heating bills will go up especially during the winter months and in some ways you will have no control over these costs, shopping will increase too as you will have to have additional food snacks etc... in the fridge, press. You will probably have a lot of tidying up to do too after a long day at work
So really think it all through when you add it all up it may not be just e200 a week!!!!!!!!!!! could be a lot more
The best of luck hope you get something that works for you

LegacyUser

we have both taken massive cuts in wages and really have nothing less to cut, After all was paid I was left with 450 euro to feed, put clothes on our backs. Before the cuts it all ok. Never rich but ok. When I looked at our spending it was the biggest out going after the mortgage. I spoke to my husband and it was down to me to sort it out.

I work 8-45 to 5-30/45 and my husband works a hour from home but is away a lot and can be overseas for periods of time.

It is not a fair marrage and far from perfect but that is another story. At this stage I need advice o what to do. I was just thinking my food bill is going to go up as my kids have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks in the childminders and all really lovely food, as I said on nights when my husband is away she will keep some dinner for me to heat up to save me cooking for myself.

This is a total mess, my head is bursting and my eyes are burning.

Please advice on what to do. I was half thinking of calling her but I am afraid of what she will say and I just dont know what to say. My husband didnt say anything to her this evening, just picked the kids up

January

I wouldn't ring her right of the bat, give her a text if you can and say is it ok to ring? Just tell her what your feelings are, to be honest she seems like a brilliant childminder, and one that is in it more for the kids than the money.

Although I don't think I could be only offering her €200 a week for three kids. I was paying my child minder €150 a week for a baby and supplying all food myself. She was registered and qualified too.

She may be able to come to compromise with you that if she does bring down the charge you can pay her back if you get more money, unlikely but she seems like she wants to compromise and sure you've said you've cried in front of her before, don't be shy about it now. It is an issue to get upset about.

astra2000

heartbrokenmum1 wrote: »

It comes from a joint bank account. both wages are paid into a joint account. He has no interest in childcare and has always left it to me. He made it clear when the idea of getting someone cheaper that it was going to be up to me to arrange as he is to busy with work and wants no part of it. It has always been that way. I sort out the house and children, he dose the DIY and gardening.

What do I say to my childminder tomorrow. Really upset for her and myself. My head is in a mess. Just put the kids to bed and they are all chat about what they did all day. Made me want to cry again.

Hi my heart really goes out to you, your obviously very distraught over this.
I think you need to sit down and talk with your husband , go over your figures and see what is the best you can afford to pay your current childminder. Take into account what mleadym has said about extra bills of heating and food if you do have someone coming in to your house to mind the children. It sounds as if you are paying a lot for child care at the moment and maybe your current childminder is in a position to charge you less, especially considering that she appears to be minding a large number of children besides yours.
I think your childminder/friend is probably hurt that you didnt speak with her BEFORE you went looking for a minder, it would have been common courtesy to have told her of your plans seen as how ye are such good friends, so I believe you should start off your conversation with a heartfelt apology. Make time in the morning/evening to have a proper conversation with her dont just squeeze it in as others are been dropped off/collected.
From your kids ages I take it that one is in school and one in playschool due to start school this year, imho 200euro+ is a lot to pay especially as their are other children been minded too. I am speaking from the experience of having been a childminder. I do know however certain parts of the country are more expensive than others.
You say you are both working full time and are still really stretched, have you looked into restructuring your debt to make life a little easier?
I hope you can reach an arrangement that suits you all, however if the alternative is going ahead with the new arrangement try and approach it with a positive frame of mind for the kids sake, also ask your new minder to do a first aid course and if possible a childcare course in the evenings. Best of luck

Sorry just saw you are not in a position to make more cuts re money, consider restructuring your loans.

Nevyn

heartbrokenmum1 you will also have the food costs of the person minding them in the home and the cost of heating the house all day and electricty used.

Is partime work or giving up work an option?

Wantobe

Is it possible to combine different childcare options to reduce the price?


For eg, keep the 1 year old with the childminder, your 4 year old could qualify for the free preschool and the 7 yo is in school? By next september two will be in school, then you could again look at the situation- perhaps an au-pair plus the 1 yo at the childminders?

Just don't get so upset over it, childrens needs change as they grow older- in fairness the 7 and 4 yo have totally different needs to the 1yo. But that will change too.

smelltheglove

I think the above is the best advice so far, I have no more to add but wish you the best of luck!

LegacyUser

Dropped my kids off this morning and could ot say anything as another parent dropping at the same time. I didnt sleep a wink last night and by the looks of it childminder didnt get much either. She was very quite and as always children so excited to see her.

My 4 year old goes to play school for the free pre school year. Minder drops and picks her up. the pre school she goes to do the longer year with the shorter hours. so I still have to have her dropped and picked up. 7 year old is dropped to school by minder as well and is finished at 2-15.

So to pay for afterschool, rest of pree school day and the baby would cost a hell of a lot more than what I pay my childminder. Last night I was thinking as we live 6 miles from school, new girl will have to pick up and drop to both school and pre school and as its going to be 2 trips a day I didnt factor in petrol I will have to pay..

God, I have mad such a mess of this. Had a massive row with husband last night over it and he told me that sorting childcare was always my part of the deal and to sort it and get of his case.

My head is wrecked. Dont know what to do. Could openly see childminder was upset and had being crying her eyes are all red and swollen. She could not look at me, chatted but just small talk as another parent around. Reminded us that she had a appointment this evening and husband would be there for picking up time (had told us all weeks in advance and put it in the book) so I cannot talk to her then.

I feel so alone and just want to cry, cant get my head around work and feel so worn and tired.

Kids due to finish friday week but think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. New girl to start following monday. Shoule I ring childminder when she gets back from school run. WHat if I upset her on the phone and she has the kids to deal with?

Dreading meeting her husband this evening, he is the niceest man but what do I say? He has always being so kind to all of us and helpful when my husband was a way. The lights went out in my house one night at 11pm and he came ouwhen I called him and fixed it.

I dont know what way to turn.

astra2000

i have to be honest and say you are prolonging this torture for you and your childminder and its not fair. Bite the bullett and ring her and arrange a day/time to talk to her, maybe you could call tonight. I think you did act a bit rash in employing the other girl, but I can see you felt backed into a corner and acted impulsively and I am sure if you talk with your minder she will understand that. Until you talk to her neither of you nor the other girl know where ye stand. If it turns out your not going to employ the other girl tou need to let her know asap, dont be swayed by the fact that you are letting her down should you not employ her, while its not fair your priority has to be your children.
From what you say after you pay bills mortgage childminding you jave 450 euro a week left tbh if you make changes you should well be able to manage on that money. A lot of families surive on much less.
It is such a pity your husband wont support you, no wonder you feel alone, I would advise you that when you have the childminding sorted to think of counselling, he is not been fair or supportive and bloody hell you as a fulltime working mom of three need a lot of support.

LegacyUser

astra2000 wrote: »

i have to be honest and say you are prolonging this torture for you and your childminder and its not fair. Bite the bullett and ring her and arrange a day/time to talk to her, maybe you could call tonight. I think you did act a bit rash in employing the other girl, but I can see you felt backed into a corner and acted impulsively and I am sure if you talk with your minder she will understand that. Until you talk to her neither of you nor the other girl know where ye stand. If it turns out your not going to employ the other girl tou need to let her know asap, dont be swayed by the fact that you are letting her down should you not employ her, while its not fair your priority has to be your children.
From what you say after you pay bills mortgage childminding you jave 450 euro a week left tbh if you make changes you should well be able to manage on that money. A lot of families surive on much less.
It is such a pity your husband wont support you, no wonder you feel alone, I would advise you that when you have the childminding sorted to think of counselling, he is not been fair or supportive and bloody hell you as a fulltime working mom of three need a lot of support.

I am going to phone her at coffee break and arrange to meet.

I should also have made it clear that it is 450 a month I have after bills not a week

Wantobe

You need to sit down and work out the finances-

Your options are-continue with current childminder: this might be expensive but it will not be forever and in the meantime you have peace of mind. To do this, can you cut down on anything else= can you go for a longer mortgage term, go interest only for a while, cut down on other costs- have you tried the money makeover section on askaboutmoney.com? Might help. Going interest only for a while might sound drastic but if you can get over the next couple of years, when your youngest is in pre-school the cost of childcare will come down.

Next option- new childminder- you will have to pay extra for petrol, heating, food etc. You also have the moral and legal issue of her defrauding the state and you will not have the same peace of mind.

Next option- stick with childminder for 1 yo and explore other options for other children. Is there any subsidised childcare in the area of the school? Have you checked out the cost of any local creches etc?

Another option- work part-time yourself or give up work.

If its all about the money, then you need to sit down and work out the costs. Then you really, really need to talk to your current childminder and tell her what you've just said here. I'm sure she'll understand.

And as for the husband- maybe the two of you need a break- a night out, a bit of peace to approach the subject in a non-confrontational way. He might not be able to resolve it for you, but god, you should at least be able to talk over your worries with him.

And finally, don't beat yourself up- whatever option you go with, your children will be fine, they are resilient and they have had already a great start. And their needs will change and keep on changing and much and all as no-one likes change, life throws that stuff at us.

bubbaloo

Hi OP - just wondering if you came to any conclusions on this matter.
I know you were really upset and I hope you managed to work something out with your childminder.

Sleepy

OP, it really sounds like you can't afford to keep your job tbh.

Any potential to increase your earnings? A raise? A new job? Something else on the side / in the evenings?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I don't know if you're making more of a deal out of this than necessary. Loads of people have offered ALL SORTS of advice, and you keep posting "what am I going to do" etc... to be honest, if you can't afford to work and pay childcare (which next to a mortgage is EVERYBODY'S biggest expense.. those paying for it obviously!) then you can't afford to work. I think this other girl, working in your home (so you actually become her employer and therefore take an all "employer" responsibilities) is going to turn out to be more trouble than she's worth! Extra food, heating, lighting, petrol, sick days(?).

If your childminder is genuinely THAT upset, I'd guess it's because she thought you thought more of her than to just go behind her back. I doubt she's upset at losing the business because i'm sure she'll fill your spaces with no trouble.

Maybe it's time to reassess if you can afford to work. The other girl may work out for you.. but if she doesn't you're worse off than you are now.. and your place will be gone with the other family.

LegacyUser

I collected children last tue. Childminders husband was was home (childminder out due to app and had told parents well in advance) He asked me was I ok and I started to cry. He was so sweet. Settled my older girls down to watch a Dvd and put the baby in the high chair with toys and make me a cup of tea and told me to talk, what would be said in the room stayed in that room. Ì spilled my heart out and talked and talked about everything. Cried my eyes out. He just listen made tea and handed the tissues. I could not believe that I told him about the state of my marriage, money issues, family, the whole ten yards.

He told me that when I got the kids to bed that night to write a letter to my husband and give it to him to read. Leave it for a day or so and talk to him about it. As for money to go and talk to the bank about our home load and see what could be done to ease it for a couple of years. He asked me did I feel depressed and to be honest I had felt down for a long time. He suggested that I might go to the doctor.

As for the childcare I had to do what was best for my family and not to feel guilty or bad about that. That his wife (my childminder) was not mad or upset at me but was really hurt that I had not spoken to her before I met whit the other girl. She had met with another family the night before about the places and had another family coming to talk to her on the friday. H e suggest I call his wife later that evening when she got home

I chatted him him for over a hour and a half and felt for the first time in over a year that a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I called my childminder that evening and arranged to meet her for a coffee in the local hotel the next evening when she finished work. I went to my GP the next morning and had a chat with him and he said I had post-natal depreeion and gave me a low dose of anti depressives and is arranging for me to go talk to someone.

I wrote the letter to my husband all 8 pages and gave it to him to read at work the next day and asked that we sit down friday night and chat about it.

I met childminder wed even for coffee and we had a good long chat. Again I told her everything including what the doctor said and how good her husband had been. She said she was fine with us leaving, she was just hurt I had not spoken to her about it first and about how tight money was. She knew it was tight and that was why she had charged for just 2 kids. I told her I felt I had made a mistake ad that I didnt want to take the kids.That I felt it wouldnt work for a number of reasons and why and that I had not thought it the whole way.

She said she was happy to keep the kids but that I would have to be totally open with her in the future and let her know how things really are. She agreed to just charge for one child (euro 160pw) and that on weeks/ months that I had more cash I could pay a few bob extra and we would sit down and talk about it again in 3 months. That we would have a coffee and a chat to catch up once a month and I could fill her in on anything that she needed to know.

I called the girl who was to come into the house and explained, to say she was not happy is putting it mildly.

On friday evening. My husband and I sat down with a take away and chatted. He said he would help out more and didnt know how stressed and unhappy I was and that he would not leave all the childcare to me in future and would try to help out around the house. He was shocked that the doctor was going to send me to talk to someone and was worried that it would end up poisoning me against him.

I told him it wasnt about that it was about how I was feeling. He also agreed that it might be good to talk to the bank and see if we can change out 20 year home loan to 25 years to ease the money issues. We are meeting the bank tomorrow morning.

Thank you to everyone for your replys. I feels so much better and am so thankful that my childminder and her husband were so understanding. I really am lucky to still have her and that she herself can take the hit of reducing my childcare costs.

Funnily

As a childminder myself I think no price can be put on a good childminder. You should try hold on to her and make cuts in other areas of you household budget. Knowing when you walk out the door that your children are safe and well looked after is evidence enough that you need to review your finance and talk to her... I have been minding a little girl for three years and she is part of our family.... I have been asked to take a pay cut of half my pay to which I have sat down and worked how best to keep everyone happy including myself as this is my job and my income. Don't knock a good childminder they are one in a million and especially if you and your children are happy with her.....

astra2000

I have just heaved a hugh sigh of relief for you. Your childminder and her husband are real gems and it turns out your husband may be one too! It is really great he read your letter and didnt come back defensive and with a what about me? attitude, it sounds as though he was oblivious to how you felt as opposed to not giving a damm. Keep working together as a team and keep communication open. Good luck with the bank today.
Your childminder is a really good person as you know dont lose sight of that and even if sometimes you are never able to give her extra money, do something nice for her. It doesnt need to cost just something that will show her she is loved and appreciated. Best of luck:)

Das Kitty

Fair play OP.

As Bob Hoskins used to say, it's good to talk!

we'llallhavetea_old

phew! delighted for you op

it's amazing what talking can do! everything is going to work out for you, you are very fortunate to have such a great childminder.