Advice on Neighbor's child

Netanya

Hi All,

We moved into our house one year ago, and after several weeks had to move our bed to the opposite wall due to the nightly crying of our neighbor's 1 year old child. That solved the problem somewhat but in the early hours of the morning from 4am to 7am we could hear him crying still at varying times. As someone who has several cousins under the age of three I can understand that babies do cry. However our wall's are not that thin, and other than this the only other occasional sound we hear is the movement of furniture. It's not like we can hear their tv or conversations.

One Sunday when we were lying in bed we heard one of the parents shouting expletives at the child to stop crying. While we were both shocked we put it down to untreated post-natal depression or just someone having a bad day.

We later learned he was being weaned off breast milk and was very indignant about the fact. In fact a lot of the time during the week he was being looked after by his Grandmother who lives locally.

I've been spending more time in the house during the day over the last few months and have noticed that on the days when he is at home with a parent I can hear him crying upstairs on his own and he is sometimes left like this unattended for hours at a time. He is now approx 2 years of age.

Basically as a non parent I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this issue, whether to approach one of the parents and see if everything is ok, or say nothing and spend a lot of money on soundproofing. We feel like these are our only two options and are looking for more suggestions or advice on what to say.

Thanks

smelltheglove

The only thing I could advise is to contact the local health nurse and explain your worries. The health nurse would do a visit, which is normal anyway and see what she thinks.

Jumbo156

I propose that you do nothing
It really is none of your business, how do you think the parents feel!!


What you have here is a 2 year old who cries when in bed and sometimes during the day, possibly when he/she is being put down for his afternoon nap.
This, in my opinion is quite normal for a 2 year old, as i have one myself at the moment who is doing just that, as did his brother when he was 2.
Ok the expletives are wrong but at 4am when your child is crying it's very easy to come out with expletives. I have done it myself and regretted it immediately.

I am probably going to get slated for my view but that's just my opinion.
I hope when you do have Kids that they are they contented little babies that you expect all kids to be, i.e never cry and sleep all through the night, so as to keep the neighbours happy !

wolfpawnat

Children cry, yes, and indeed at 2 (like my own child) tantrums are constant. But screaming for hours on end is a bit much. And just because you have a child does not mean you can be a pain to your neighbours. They have a right to a relaxing home too. I always try not to give in to every cry my child makes (I feel it makes them needy and irritating) but I do try to limit the screaming wailing too!

OP as smelltheglove said, ring the nurse. Worst case scenario, she tells you that it is normal but she'll look into it! Maybe the parents are just stressed out as so many are these days due to financial worries!

Netanya

Jumbo156 wrote: »

Ok the expletives are wrong but at 4am when your child is crying it's very easy to come out with expletives.

I just wanted to clarify the expletives was not at 4 in the morning it was at 9am on a Sunday.

This, in my opinion is quite normal for a 2 year old, as i have one myself at the moment who is doing just that, as did his brother when he was 2.

As I mentioned in my first post I have many cousins under the age of three, who I have both taken care of and been around for days at a time when all of them have been sick, had colic, thrown tantrums, gone through the biting faze, the screaming faze etc and in general not been very happy. However their crying did not go on from 1-3 hours solid with no break (there would at least be breaks in the tears and screaming where they could store energy to go for it again after a brief interlude jk).

I also understand two year olds can get a lot more upset than oh lets say the rest of the world. They don't have the same ability to control their emotions or the verbal ability to explain what is wrong with them or why they are angry.

However this type of crying has been happening since the day we moved in when he was 1 not 2. A year of the same type of crying is what concerned us.

It cannot be good for the parents, and it definitely can't be good for the child.
If my child or children cry this way for hours on end and I try everything but have no idea what is wrong, I don't know yet what I would do but after a year I probably would have gone to a few doctors and if that didn't work out I'd be onto a forum like this asking for help.

I not being a bad person, we don't want the baby to quiet and never make a peep that is far from possible with even the best behaved make believe baby (heck even little girls dolls make noise now). We just don't think that for a year a child should be left upstairs on it's own in the middle of the day for hours on end when it cries. It worries us and is a genuine fear that something could really be wrong.

Squiggler

Is there a chance that the parents are leaving the child there alone? I can't imagine even the worst parent being able to stand hours of endless crying without trying to do something to stop it.

The reason I ask is that I was once in a similar situation. A neighbour's small child would cry for hours on end during the night, waking me and preventing me from getting back to sleep. It was also heartbreaking as the child was clearly distressed and calling for her mama. Then, one of the nights, I actually heard her coming home at about 4am and realised that she hadn't been home. After another few nights it became apparent that she was going out every night and leaving the child (under the age of 3) at home alone.

The neighbour who lived on the other side of her mentioned to me that he had tried talking to her about it and she'd gone crazy at him so we ended up both reporting her. I moved out not too long after that (my upstairs neighbour played the bagpipes) but I heard later that the child was taken off her.

annetted

i would make a call to the local public health nurse and see what they say. then if you have no joy there, i would ring social services. i know that may seem extreme but if you are worried - i would make that call. you just never know - could be totally innocent but worth checking..

hondasam

Please think carefully before you involve other people in your neighbour's life as the local nurse will probably notify social services who will probably notify the gardai.

I would suggest you speak to the parents first, It would be unfair to put them and the child through unnecessary meetings with social services.

Keep in mind the will probably know it is you who reported them. If I thought a child was been treated very badly or abused I would notify the appropriate authorities but this is just a crying issue.

You have lived beside them for a year so you must have some idea if the are good parents at other times.

Cat Melodeon

hondasam wrote: »

Please think carefully before you involve other people in your neighbour's life as the local nurse will probably notify social services who will probably notify the gardai.

I would suggest you speak to the parents first, It would be unfair to put them and the child through unnecessary meetings with social services.

Keep in mind the will probably know it is you who reported them.

I don't agree with the above at all. This is your business if you have concerns about the welfare of the family, but it is not your business to get directly involved. You do not have the training to deal with the people involved nor to recognise if there are issues of neglect, depression or abuse. Contact the local public health nurse - s/he will know what to do. You can raise concerns in confidence, you will not be named in any subsequent action. However, if you first speak to the parent and then report it, it will be obvious that you were the one who took action and your name may be blackened by your neighbour.

If the nurse subsequently decides that social services need to be involved, well that is for the good of the family and particularly for the child. If it goes so far that the Gardaí need to become involved, that is a clear indication that something was indeed very wrong and that you were right to report it and not to have been directly involved in any way. If on the other hand there is nothing wrong, better to have involved trained professionals who know about these things and can make a judgement than to interfere yourself. Social services do not remove children from families unnecessarily - they simply don't have the resources - and will usually work to keep a family together provided there is no risk of harm (abuse, neglect, drug use, alcoholism etc).

This is not your call to make, refer it on to those who are there to deal with it. You can find your local health office at this link:
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/LHO/Dublin_North_West/Public%20Health%20Nursing/

Wantobe

Totally agree, if you feel something is wrong, ring the social welfare services/local HSE public health nurse. If there is nothing wrong, they will soon see that. If there IS something wrong, their first step will not be to remove the child ( unless there is something really, really badly amiss), it will be to offer support and services.

hondasam

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

I don't agree with the above at all. This is your business if you have concerns about the welfare of the family, but it is not your business to get directly involved. You do not have the training to deal with the people involved nor to recognise if there are issues of neglect, depression or abuse. Contact the local public health nurse - s/he will know what to do. You can raise concerns in confidence, you will not be named in any subsequent action. However, if you first speak to the parent and then report it, it will be obvious that you were the one who took action and your name may be blackened by your neighbour.

If the nurse subsequently decides that social services need to be involved, well that is for the good of the family and particularly for the child. If it goes so far that the Gardaí need to become involved, that is a clear indication that something was indeed very wrong and that you were right to report it and not to have been directly involved in any way. If on the other hand there is nothing wrong, better to have involved trained professionals who know about these things and can make a judgement than to interfere yourself. Social services do not remove children from families unnecessarily - they simply don't have the resources - and will usually work to keep a family together provided there is no risk of harm (abuse, neglect, drug use, alcoholism etc).

This is not your call to make, refer it on to those who are there to deal with it. You can find your local health office at this link:
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/LHO/Dublin_North_West/Public%20Health%20Nursing/

I personally would approach the parents first, I would not be happy if someone reported me to social services bearing in mind this is kept on file and could have an adverse affect in the future for the child and the parents.

again the have lived beside the couple for over a year and would have noticed other things.

lynski

I dont think a call to the local PHN would be out of order and I doubt it would be recorded. Just a quick call to say, listen this child at this address is crying everyday from x time to y time and it has been going on for awhile. Dont even give your name and ask for discretion. When you call your health center ask for the PHN who covers your estate as there may be more then one.
If the child is over 3 she may not visit anyway as I think the phn discharges children at 3 (?)
If she does all she has to do is call in at that time and ask to see the child for a developmental follow-up, no biggie.
You have no idea what could be going on and are not qualified to figure it out, but you will never forgive yourself if you find out that something is going on.

ellieh1

Please make the call, I am not sure where I would be today without my neighbour showing concern for me as a very young child. I wont go into details but lets just say my envoirnment was not healthy at all to say the least and it went on for a long time before anything was reported. I am forever grateful to the person who reported their concern for me but will never have the chance to thank them. Maybe its nothing to be concerned about but let the right people check it out. A little call can make a huge difference, I am proof of that!

Cat Melodeon

hondasam wrote: »

I personally would approach the parents first, I would not be happy if someone reported me to social services bearing in mind this is kept on file and could have an adverse affect in the future for the child and the parents.

But what good could it possibly do? If there is a problem and the OP approaches them, the parents may try to hide it in which case they may never get the help they need (if they need it). If they don't need help, that will become clear very early on - no harm done.

mimi7365

No doubt about it - ring the PHN - it sounds like there is something up in that household.