impulsive agression in 5yr old son

LegacyUser

I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this?
My son is in senior infants, he is very bright, articulate, respectfull and is advanced for his years. All good so far... however he gets bored easily in class, which with the help of his teacher we are dealing with. Anyway, in the last 2 weeks there have been a number of incidents, 2 in school and 1 outside of it. the first one was when he and another boy were play fighting with pencils, when he decided to hit the other boy in the face with the pencil. the 2nd was when he was playing a game - all was going well, one boy pointed a stick at his face and my boy bit his finger and drew blood. the last incident was when my boy decided to hit another boys head against the wall because this boy cheated during a game.
all of these incidents came out of nowhere, there was no arguments before hand. he knows right from wrong and knew straight away this was not appropriate behaviour. he received punishments for them.
thing is it's almost as if something takes over him and he flips.. I've witnessed similar aggressive behaviour at home but nothing as major as these incidents.
Obviously I need to stamp this out as it is not acceptable, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Any advice??

Nevyn

I found both mine could said it was wrong to hit or bite or push or shove but at times found it hard to catch themselves before they had lashed out. I kept it as part of the reward system in terms of having a good day or bad day in school, and chats about it at other times when your not rushing to get things done to remind and explain.

I also found going over the rules on the way in school helpful, we did 5 one for each finger so it was 1) stay in your place, 2) do as teacher says, 3)be quiet and listen, 4)be nice to your classmates, 5)learn and have fun.

Also have a talk with him about figuring out his feelings, it could be he hasnt' connected the feeling frustrated to the flash of anger which has him lashing out.

lynski

Have a friend who's little man is having a terrible time since he started school so they have been working with the school to try to get it under control ( this is aggression, bad behavior, tantrums, resulting in multiple trips to the headmaster)
After a few months of hell, they reached the end of their tether last week, so all toys into a locked toy box and no tv; after 3 days he got his first star for good behavior in school and when I saw him at the weekend he was obviously a different child, so much calmer and engaged.

astra2000

Is there anything going on in his life that he may not be that happy with at the moment? By that I mean a new sibling, changes in the home death in the family? You would need to rule out that there is nothing bothering him. Also programmes on tv can influence my nephew became a thug from watching power rangers and those type of programmes, it was in his personality to be agressive but watching them made it worse.
You are right to try and find a way to correct things because he will pay a price long term if you dont. Best of luck I hope you sort it soon as I know it is extremely worring for you as a parent.

I think Thaedydal's advice is excellent, particularly the part about speaking to your son about his feelings. If he is as good a child as you say (which I'm sure he is!) then he is probably not sure what is really going on in his head himself and what is making him lash out like this.

Speak to him about how he feels before and after an incident and see can you work from there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, so far the tv has been banned for the week, along with his favourite toy being taken away. I've also started a reward chart with a simple sticker if good and a cross if not. Unfortunately we had another incident today, where in a fit of temper because someone was anoying him with it, he ripped the legs off a hand puppet. He took it straight to the teacher afterwards and apologised about it.
I've tried giving him coping mechanisms such as counting to 10, turning away, singing a silly song in his head to distract him. Not sure if it is sinking in yet. Oh well I'll keep on trying.
btw nothing new has happened....

Mrs.T

My son has been through similar. Turns out he was getting bullied at school. teacher and principal brushed it off. He came home twice with deep scratches on his face and once with a footprint under his eye... nobody could tell me what happened to him. Once he bit a boys finger. I later found out from several others that he was protecting his friend who got his tie ripped off his neck. I get the phonecalls about what my boy did but never what happened to him. We moved schools. My boy is back to his happy self again. New teacher said our son was an experienced fighter He'd only been to that school for two months. Before punishing him, find out what is underlying....

Chuchoter

A year or two ago I was minding a boy about five four days a week. He was absolutely lovely but when he got angry he was actually frightening. He would threaten to throw really heavy toys at me (as in he knew they would cause serious damage) , threw chairs across rooms, general screaming fits. I think a lot of it was down to there being fights/tension in the family and also he didn't have the vocabulary to express how he was feeling.

SineadMaria

while you do need to deal with this behaviour, a child of 5 has poor impulse control when it comes to strong emotions, if your son likes reading stories, there is a very good story book called volcano in my tummy which you should be able to get in any good bookshop. There are lots of activities in it and may help your son to realise when he is feeling angry etc. and what to do to manage this.

some ideas i have found to work are
behaviour charts
simple rules
time away for about 1-2mins after an incident
when he has an incident ask calmy how he was feeling and help him connect feelings to behaviour (this is a more long-term method)

martha08

Hopeful signs are that he is aware he does wrong, howbeit he cannot resist the urge of aggression.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice guys.
Well I will give you an update so far. Last week I came down hard on him, he had no tv during the week and limited at the weekend, he also lost the use of the nintendo ds and wii, which he usually has to earn time to play at the weekends. I also removed his favourite toys, currently zhu zhu pets. I also made sure I spent lots of time talking to him about how he feels and why it isn't good to behave like he had. Also started a reward chart in which the day was split into 4 sections, morning, school, afternoon and evening. if he behaved he would get a sticker.
Did it work? Well so far, touch wood, we have had 6 days without any anger problems.
I'm going to try that book recommended by SineadMaria - thanks for that. I guess its just going to be a case of waiting and see, although I'm aware of not mentioning the anger in case of reminding him - self fulfilling prophecy and all that!!
thanks again...

BostonB

It takes time, and boys get into scraps. Like you are doing you just have to keep an eye out and nip it in the bud if it becomes a habit. The traditional stuff works, unless theres a deeper problem. But boys fighting, being a little aggressive I would guess is with the range of normal. Not all boys do it either, thats also normal. The step, time out, rewards system work.

crofty28

HI Worriedmom,

God its not easy dealing with this 4 the 1st time, i've been there! The best advice I ever got was positive praise. The teacher used to write a brief note home to tell me my little 1 was good that day & I wud make the biggest fuss, i mean really make a big deal of this good behaviour!The reward charts are a great idea too, but they only worked temporarily 4 me. Kids feel it 2, when ur stressed & worried about stuff, so let him know how happy u are when he's behaving & tell other family members & friends. Things will improve, as this is only recent, I reckon it'll pass. Best of luck & try not 2 worry 2 much

LegacyUser

OP here, just I would give you an update.

Well Jan was a tough month, but its worked and all the hard work (and advice given) has paid off. He was made pupil of the month (for Feb). To say I'm delighted is an understatement.
All I can say is persistance does work as does being consistant.
Thanks again for all your support and advice - it really helped me get through it!

crofty28

Hi worriedmom,

I'm so happy for u that things worked out. The teacher sounds fantastic & its great that she recognised all your little man's efforts by making him student of the month. Best of luck for the future & well done 4 asking for advice, sometimes thats the hardest part