Haven't touched a drop in...

GerB40

18 days away from being a year without drinking and 5 or 6 weeks since I took prescription tablets and I have to say, I've never felt better. I really wouldn't recognise myself if I could speak to my "year ago self" if ye know what I mean. I mentioned to my friend that I wouldn't mind a game of poker or something simple like that to mark my one year anniversary and I recently got told that there's upwards of ten people want to go for dinner for it. My initial reaction was embarrassment. It's not that big a deal, I'm just being normal.. I've thought about it for a few days and realise it is a big deal and for an alcoholic, normality is a bit more open for interpretation...

But therein lies my biggest problem, I have always seriously undermined my sobriety. For some reason I can't take credit for what is an achievement to be celebrated. Similar to how Irish people in general find it hard to take a complement, I find it far too easy to trivialise not drinking. One occasion was when I was going through my old comments on this thread and someone was about to celebrate their own 1 year anniversary. They were hesitant to go over the top for it (similar to myself) and I advised "shout it from the rooftops, because this time last year you made a major decision and now your life is better because of it". Those were my words. Why can't I practice what I preach? Why am I so reluctant to pat myself on the back and say "fair play Ger"?

Also I've noticed I've been taking on other people's problems. Seeing as I'm not a professional I always suggest a doctor or therapist or whatever suits whoevers needs. I recently convinced my friend to go to meetings about gambling after he very obviously hit rock bottom. I never gambled myself but I recognised the addictive pattern so I went with him as a kind of support. Maybe people are so surprised I haven't drank in so long that they think I have all the answers. I don't. Maybe helping others is my way of giving back, of letting go of my past. I don't know.

Anyway I've went on for long enough, perhaps reading back over this post will provide some answers for myself but if anyone recognises these patterns I'd be very grateful for some advice. Cheers folks...

dashcamdanny

Quite an achievement Ger.
Best of luck and good health for year 2 .

Kunkka

Well done Ger that's great stuff. I used to have to force myself to post on here or to speak out about benchmarks in my sobriety. It's so important that you are proud of what you've done. A day without a drink for an alcohol is an achievement never mind a year that's serious stuff. So many unfortunates can't get by a few days and die to this awful disease. Always be proud of your sobriety and wear like your armor. I don't know if you've go to AA but what you talked about there at the end was Step 12. What keeps us sober and what keeps us aware of where we come from is helping others who want to beat this.

Well done again and make sure you enjoy yourself with something you want to do.

GerB40

Kunkka wrote: »

Well done Ger that's great stuff. I used to have to force myself to post on here or to speak out about benchmarks in my sobriety. It's so important that you are proud of what you've done. A day without a drink for an alcohol is an achievement never mind a year that's serious stuff. So many unfortunates can't get by a few days and die to this awful disease. Always be proud of your sobriety and wear like your armor. I don't know if you've go to AA but what you talked about there at the end was Step 12. What keeps us sober and what keeps us aware of where we come from is helping others who want to beat this.

Well done again and make sure you enjoy yourself with something you want to do.

Cheers Kunkka, I haven't been to AA since around my second month sober but I think the next step requires me to go back. I'm actually looking forward to it, I'm not the nervous wreck I was the last time I went but I still have a whole lot to learn. And right now I'm eager to learn, to get on with the next step of my life and as Bob Dylan said, to "keep on keeping on".. Nice Tyrion reference by the way

Kunkka

Good man AA completely changed my life but like every organization in the world you will get assholes in it. So don't ever let anyone or anything stop you going. It's the place to go to talk about this stuff & it's free!

GerB40 wrote: »

Nice Tyrion reference by the way

Haha thought you'd like that have seen you around the other place!

Amazingfun

Kunkka wrote: »

Good man AA completely changed my life but like every organization in the world you will get assholes in it. So don't ever let anyone or anything stop you going. It's the place to go to talk about this stuff & it's free!

On the rare occasion this becomes an issue I always remind myself that "assholes" in a pub never stopped me from staying and drinking -so they surely don't have any power to have me leave a meeting

marienbad

Amazingfun wrote: »

On the rare occasion this becomes an issue I always remind myself that "assholes" in a pub never stopped me from staying and drinking -so they surely don't have any power to have me leave a meeting

Indeed , and also an 'asshole' to one person is a fount of wisdom to another as I learnt to my embarrassment in my early days !

Kunkka

Amazingfun wrote: »

On the rare occasion this becomes an issue I always remind myself that "assholes" in a pub never stopped me from staying and drinking -so they surely don't have any power to have me leave a meeting

marienbad wrote: »

Indeed , and also an 'asshole' to one person is a fount of wisdom to another as I learnt to my embarrassment in my early days !

All very true but again there are still some who go for the wrong reasons. We're talking a very small % but meh not worth not going over at all when there is so much on offer.

marienbad

Kunkka wrote: »

All very true but again there are still some who go for the wrong reasons. We're talking a very small % but meh not worth not going over at all when there is so much on offer.

I really believe everyone has something to offer, even if it is to show us how not to do things .

One of the greatest inspirations to me was such a person for many years , in and out, pissed at meetings written off by everyone , members family doctors and for no apparent reason after years of failure got the message and was there for me when I stumbled in .

Kunkka

You're probably right. However I was more talking about the people who use meetings for other purposes but again you're right they're showing me what I shouldn't be doing.

Abcxyz12345

6 months! :-)

It was 6 months ago today (I know it's not even 5 mins into today too!) that I took my last drink & I was I such a hopeless & dark state. It's been the toughest 6 months of my life but today I have hope & am enjoying liking myself again.

The gratitude I feel to those in this forum is something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to express fully. It's magic - thank you xx

marienbad

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

6 months! :-)

It was 6 months ago today (I know it's not even 5 mins into today too!) that I took my last drink & I was I such a hopeless & dark state. It's been the toughest 6 months of my life but today I have hope & am enjoying liking myself again.

The gratitude I feel to those in this forum is something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to express fully. It's magic - thank you xx

Well done Abc , it has been an inspiration following you on your journey . Thank you so much for sharing so honestly .

enoughalready

Congratulations Abc. Fair play! Here's to the next 6 months which will hopefully be easier on you.

I'm on Day 500 today! I am conciously trying to 'get out of my own head' and focus on other people and find ways in which I can help them. If I'm being honest I can be quite selfish at times so now I shift my focus onto other people and its definetly helping!

Hope everyone has a fab weekend (",) x

GerB40

So I finally did it, I went to my first AA meeting as per the advice I received right here and and I have to say I feel a million times better for having done so. Technically it was my second one but I was pretty much dragged kicking and screaming to my first one (metaphorically of course) two months into my sobriety and I didn't really enjoy that. I suppose that put me off going to meetings but yesterday's one was me going of my own volition and that is why I enjoyed the experience so much more. It may have taken 51 weeks of sobriety to actually take this big step but I'm confident I'll be a regular at these from now on.

The sheer honesty of people at the meeting, not to mention the overwhelming welcome I received, astounded me. I was a bag of nerves walking in but I felt 10 ft tall walking out. It was emotional of course and I had very little to say but in time I have no doubt I'll have the courage to share my story and justify my being there. In the meantime I'm more than willing to listen to others speak and learn, not only from the blue "newbies" book, but from people's experiences that mirror my own in so many ways.

Similar to an Oscar acceptance speech there are people on this thread I would like to thank by name but also like an Oscar acceptance speech I don't want to leave anybody out so I'll thank this thread and it's posters from the bottom of my heart because, honestly, a large percentage of my recovery so far has come from this very thread. My quality of life is better than this time last year and I'm looking forward to reclaiming my life.

So again, thanks folks. I've found a strength I didn't know I had and boards went a long way in me finding it. Keep fighting the good fight ladies and gents because if I can do it, most people can.

marienbad

GerB40 wrote: »

So I finally did it, I went to my first AA meeting as per the advice I received right here and and I have to say I feel a million times better for having done so. Technically it was my second one but I was pretty much dragged kicking and screaming to my first one (metaphorically of course) two months into my sobriety and I didn't really enjoy that. I suppose that put me off going to meetings but yesterday's one was me going of my own volition and that is why I enjoyed the experience so much more. It may have taken 51 weeks of sobriety to actually take this big step but I'm confident I'll be a regular at these from now on.

The sheer honesty of people at the meeting, not to mention the overwhelming welcome I received, astounded me. I was a bag of nerves walking in but I felt 10 ft tall walking out. It was emotional of course and I had very little to say but in time I have no doubt I'll have the courage to share my story and justify my being there. In the meantime I'm more than willing to listen to others speak and learn, not only from the blue "newbies" book, but from people's experiences that mirror my own in so many ways.

Similar to an Oscar acceptance speech there are people on this thread I would like to thank by name but also like an Oscar acceptance speech I don't want to leave anybody out so I'll thank this thread and it's posters from the bottom of my heart because, honestly, a large percentage of my recovery so far has come from this very thread. My quality of life is better than this time last year and I'm looking forward to reclaiming my life.

So again, thanks folks. I've found a strength I didn't know I had and boards went a long way in me finding it. Keep fighting the good fight ladies and gents because if I can do it, most people can.

Welcome home

Kunkka

Well done Ger! Truly delighted for you. This will open the door to even more happiness. Nobody can do this on their own

Sunnyisland

It's great to see the posts on this forum and more and more people taking the decision in changing there lives for the better, well done everyone :-)

auldgranny

I wish i had what you all had.
Is it willpower? Is it determination? Is it lack of selfishness?

lindtee

auldgranny wrote: »

I wish i had what you all had.
Is it willpower? Is it determination? Is it lack of selfishness?

In my case it was "throwing in the towel" and admitting defeat! I just knew that I could not drink again. I don't go to AA anymore (but it was part of my life for the first couple of years) but as the first step says "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable" You need to truely accept that you cannot drink alcohol "normally"(whatever that is). I had lost hope before I finally gave up and once I got that back, things improved. If you don't have hope you don't have anything.

Willpower is not the answer to addiction. I tried before to give up through willpower alone and the longest I lasted was 3 months!

I suppose determination is part of it. You need to realise that it is 1% not picking up the drink and 99% change. I had to change a lot of things in my life over the past 8 and a bit years of sobriety. (There are still things I am in the process of changing to maintain long term sobriety(highly toxic relationship for one))

And on the contrary, you need to be selfish to maintain sobriety. You have to do it for yourself and ensure that you do the things for yourself to maintain sobriety. Be it AA meetings or whatever. Trying to get sober for someone else, children, spouse, family, friends, job etc etc won't work. You need to do it for YOU!

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. There is great power in this forum, stay around and one day it will click. Never give up "giving up"

tinpib

So I'm back again. Haven't had a drink in 4 weeks and have drunk 3 times in 10 weeks.

Those 3 times, once was half a bottle of wine at home on a Friday "See, I can moderate and drink normally..."

The other two were a repeat of the same night I have had since Iw as 18.

Nothing special or fun about, just the same ould sh1ite. No 'excitement' of going to a bar, just another monotonous Saturday night. Not really enjoying myself but getting drunker, thinking I'm enjoying myself but really I'm talking sh!te.

Talking 'at' the opposite sex but of course getting nowhere. Then, both times, I blackout pretty severely and both times had physical effects the next day. One a sprained ankle from stepping off a curb, and a chest infection from being out in warm/then cold.

Both times I wake up instantly feeling, I'm sick and tired of the same stupid pattern happening. It's the same thing most weekends since Iw as 18, I'm in my mid 30s now.

Add in blowing a load of money too.

I'm starting to think that drinking was just a 17 year phase I went through and now I'm growing out of it.

In the last year I have been sober for about 8 months in total, it's becoming more normal that I am sober and the change each times I give up is less. For instance I'm not counting my days sober as much.

Will I fall off the wagon again, probably but no biggie. I know I will probably want to give up again after a single night out.

It's funny, but after 4 weeks of not drinking, the cringing, the shame, the money spent etc starts to afde in the memory but what is very clear in my mind is feeling 90% ok on the Monday and absolutely dreading work. Work of course was fine as I was almost normal, but that 10% residual hangover leads to the most horrible feeling of dread.

Not the day after drinking, but 2 days after drinking, I wake up dreading my day and that feeling lasts until the second I finish work.

It's a horrible, horrible way to spend a Monday. And it is something I am very glad to not be experiencing today.

But, as before, I am finding it hard to socialise and have fun. My job is extremely sociable which is good, but in general my weekend is spent sitting at home. i went for a run yesterday which lifted my mood but enjoying my free time is the next thing I need to figure out.

Sometimes it feels daunting to socialise sober.

Anyway, have a good week everyone!

Sunnyisland

here's a hole in my sidewalk by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost. . . I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in. . . it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5
I walk down another street



Being a victim, I had no idea that I had choices. As a survivor, I started making choices. Discovering that I had choices gave me control of my life. I could walk down another street. This awareness of choices is the beginning of recovery. Without awareness there can be no change

Amazingfun

auldgranny wrote: »

I wish i had what you all had.
Is it willpower? Is it determination? Is it lack of selfishness?

For me it was after countless attempts to "drink like others" and then enduring the countless failures/defeats, that I was finally able to see the truth in the information in step one: we are not like other people when it comes to alcohol and we will never be.
Nothing but a long series of severe beatings from the bottle did it, really.

Step One (in a nutshell)

1. The physical allergy/reaction to alcohol ( "I take the drink, the drink takes me" ) that had me down for the count. I finally accepted the hard truth that it was always going to end in either misery or some other kind of disaster as long as I kept at it.

2. This mental obsession with it. That no matter what horrorshow I was currently in from drinking-and then made genuine promises to stop-within days or weeks my mind would feed me some bs (either good or bad reasons-didn't matter) and in no time at all I'd be back with a drink in my hand wondering wtf was wrong with me.

AA refers to this painful merry-go-round as the "tedious" process of coming to accept the truth and, sadly, it can go on for years, eating all the precious time that could be spent living a satisfying and good life along with it.

Nobody but you knows the truth about you and drink, and it is only be seeing the hopeless reality of your situation does the willingness to do something about it emerge. Some call this the "gift of desperation".

I'll be thinking of you as I am sure everyone here will. Hope we see you soon

GerB40

1 year without a drink today. Yay!!!

Kunkka

Well done Ger, great stuff!



:P

GerB40

Kunkka wrote: »

Well done Ger, great stuff!



:P

Haha, cheers Kunkka but I'll have to decline on such festivities. Old man Frey has a bit of a reputation...

Ed The Equalizer

auldgranny wrote: »

I wish i had what you all had.
Is it willpower? Is it determination? Is it lack of selfishness?

In my experience it's not what anyone else has, but it's that you still listen to the addictive voice inside you that tells you to drink.

There's a very good short course that explains it here

xzanti

Day one

GerB40

xzanti wrote: »

Day one

By far the most important and life changing day. Chin up bud, there's a wealth of men and women on this thread who've amassed a huge amount of knowledge that can and will help you should you need it. Best of luck xzanti, and keep posting here if you feel the need to vent...

Kunkka

xzanti wrote: »

Day one

hope you're ok! As Ger said though it's by far the most important day!

marienbad

xzanti wrote: »

Day one

As the cliché goes - today is the first day of the rest of your life .

Go for it, commit to it , give it everything you have , if we can help just ask.

Best of luck