Haven't touched a drop in...

Kunkka

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

1 year today! :-)

I honestly would not have believed the year that lay ahead of me if you'd have sat me down & told me on 17/10/2014. It has been without doubt the most amazing year of my life - tough, special, overwhelming & a year of such recovery & growth... Long may it continue! Thank you to all of you who contribute to this thread for sharing your experience, wisdom & also for your encouragement & kind words x

Great stuff, well done

boardname

Hi,

I'm not sure if I should have started a completely new thread or just post here - so I've posted here. Mods, I've only posted on Boards a few times in the past so apologies if this is in the wrong location.

I have been reading this thread over the past number of weeks and am hoping that by posting my own experience here that it will help me. It's not even been 24 hours since my last drink. I think that when most people post here they say I cannot believe I'm posting this - but I can. I can believe it because I know that it's a major problem I have.

I have been drinking for the past number of years and its just gotten worse and worse to the point that I may loose my family over this awful thing that I have let control me.

A bit of background. I'm 36. I have one son who I love with all my heart. I am married to an amazing guy who is a non drinker, I love him with all my heart too. He has never drank. My Dad was an alcoholic. A good man and a good father but an alcoholic all the same.

Because my husband doesn't drink and doesn't really like being in company of drunk people - and because I like to drink I found that I was able to have a few drinks at home without him knowing. So it was the best of both worlds. He wasn't aware of my drinking and I was able to have a few and it was happy days. And I got away with it for a long time I think.

However, it has gotten progressively worse over the past while, My dad died in April and my family have had a massive falling out - details of which I'm not going to go into. Because of all of this I can't really sleep - so my solution is to get drunk. I have been drinking bottles of wine alone and hiding these in the hope that it'll make me feel better and that my husband won't notice. Of course he knows. We had it out a few weeks ago and I promised myself that I would stop - and I did. For 8 days. Then the weekend came and I just said I'd have a couple. Of course now I haven't stopped since then.

I am completely jeopardizing my entire family life by doing this. It's not fair on him or my son. It's not fair on me. I hate what I am. I'm ashamed, feel guilty all the time. I think about it all the time.

Nobody knows this about me apart from my husband. From the outside I look healthy, no weight gain because I exercise 1.5 hours 5 days a week. We have a beautiful home. We both have great jobs. Everything looks good from the outside. On the inside I'm dying. I'm constantly worried about my health - so I drink to numb these feelings. I drink to try to forget about my family problems - both parents are dead and I miss them so much it hurts. I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because I just feel so sad at what I'm doing to my life. But I don't know if I can stop. I want to stop. I hate it. I feel sick thinking about it. I have to stop or I'll loose everything.

Last night it came to a head. My husband basically pleaded with me to stop and he is right - I have to. He is very supportive but I feel like he must absolutely hate me - how can he not? He says he loves me.

I cannot believe that I'm so weak that this thing has basically taken over my entire life. How can I get through this. I know I need to substitute the drink with something else. It's going to be very hard.

More so at weekends. I have to do this. I feel like I'm in a very dark place and I don't know if I can get myself out of this - I know I have to but don't know where to start...

Sorry for long rambling post. Had to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading.

petes

Hi Boardname

If you have read any of my posts you will have seen that I am in early recovery from the booze and I have admitted to myself first and foremost that I am an alcoholic.

I too drank to self medicate/numb the pain as it were of anything that I couldn't deal with so much so that I became an alcoholic. I kind of got to the point you are but I wasn't exercising or anything, I was just drinking.

One sentence that stood out is that you need to substitute drink for something else. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. There are many avenues you could explore, A.A., addiction counselling or even counselling in itself maybe for the grief!

Not everything works for all people, I go to A.A. and as I said before I wouldn't push it on anyone as it may not be for them. I'm not really in to religion but that doesn't really matter. It does help to even listen to other people and you'll be surprised with how much you identify with them and there is absolutely no judgement. But that's just my experience.

I also see a counsellor who specialises in addiction but we aren't going down that road, we are going to see what the underlying problems might be while I attend A.A. for the alcoholism.

I reckon your husband always knew even when you just had a few. It's important to have support around you.

I'm sure there will be a few of the other good folk along in here to give you advice. There is a post a couple of pages back by realies. It's a bit long but worth the read. I've said it before but even typing it out can help.

Hope you feel better.

leinsterdude

I would imagine you are a little depressed, and the booze is covering it up for you, I am not sure you are an alcoholic, maybe get some counselling, it worked for me, I had same circumstances, and drank 5 nights a week, I have been to counselling, and reduced my drinking big time, if you are drinking because of depression it does not help at all, try get help soon.

Amazingfun

boardname wrote: »

Hi,

I'm not sure if I should have started a completely new thread or just post here - so I've posted here. Mods, I've only posted on Boards a few times in the past so apologies if this is in the wrong location.

I have been reading this thread over the past number of weeks and am hoping that by posting my own experience here that it will help me. It's not even been 24 hours since my last drink. I think that when most people post here they say I cannot believe I'm posting this - but I can. I can believe it because I know that it's a major problem I have.

I have been drinking for the past number of years and its just gotten worse and worse to the point that I may loose my family over this awful thing that I have let control me.

A bit of background. I'm 36. I have one son who I love with all my heart. I am married to an amazing guy who is a non drinker, I love him with all my heart too. He has never drank. My Dad was an alcoholic. A good man and a good father but an alcoholic all the same.

Because my husband doesn't drink and doesn't really like being in company of drunk people - and because I like to drink I found that I was able to have a few drinks at home without him knowing. So it was the best of both worlds. He wasn't aware of my drinking and I was able to have a few and it was happy days. And I got away with it for a long time I think.

However, it has gotten progressively worse over the past while, My dad died in April and my family have had a massive falling out - details of which I'm not going to go into. Because of all of this I can't really sleep - so my solution is to get drunk. I have been drinking bottles of wine alone and hiding these in the hope that it'll make me feel better and that my husband won't notice. Of course he knows. We had it out a few weeks ago and I promised myself that I would stop - and I did. For 8 days. Then the weekend came and I just said I'd have a couple. Of course now I haven't stopped since then.

I am completely jeopardizing my entire family life by doing this. It's not fair on him or my son. It's not fair on me. I hate what I am. I'm ashamed, feel guilty all the time. I think about it all the time.

Nobody knows this about me apart from my husband. From the outside I look healthy, no weight gain because I exercise 1.5 hours 5 days a week. We have a beautiful home. We both have great jobs. Everything looks good from the outside. On the inside I'm dying. I'm constantly worried about my health - so I drink to numb these feelings. I drink to try to forget about my family problems - both parents are dead and I miss them so much it hurts. I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because I just feel so sad at what I'm doing to my life. But I don't know if I can stop. I want to stop. I hate it. I feel sick thinking about it. I have to stop or I'll loose everything.

Last night it came to a head. My husband basically pleaded with me to stop and he is right - I have to. He is very supportive but I feel like he must absolutely hate me - how can he not? He says he loves me.

I cannot believe that I'm so weak that this thing has basically taken over my entire life. How can I get through this. I know I need to substitute the drink with something else. It's going to be very hard.

More so at weekends. I have to do this. I feel like I'm in a very dark place and I don't know if I can get myself out of this - I know I have to but don't know where to start...

Sorry for long rambling post. Had to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Welcome, and believe me, this is not a new story. I know many women like you, and everything turned around once they got informed about alcoholism and were able to admit to themselves they were indeed "one of us".

Not everyone here is an AA member, but I am, and it has worked wonders for me.

Meetings: http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting

Some speakers in case you want to have a listen to what it's all about at home before you venture out:

https://www.youtube.com/user/OdomtologyBooks

In any case, be good if you kept posting, lots of people here are willing to help

Sunnyisland

Folks If you look around, you will see everything changes. The seasons ebb and flow, the weather fluctuates, the school day is varied. We wear different outfits day by day, eat different meals, watch different T.V programmes. Nothing stays as it is for long. My point is this. Change is a part of life. If you feel stuck today, I want to assure you that things will change. It may be slow, it may be hard, it may be you, it may be them but nothing stays the same for long. Believe in that process and let it give you hope, [even if it appears to get worse before it changes for the better!

petes

Day 26

Feel great physically, played a bit of badminton, exercise really does help me. The gym wouldn't as I'd find it a bit boring and also I'd have time to think but that's okay too, will be going to the gym to but with a mate who is going to put me through my paces.

Night time and morning time are the worst as that's when my mind can kick in to over drive but still on xanax but not as much so that relaxes me.

Was in Dublin yesterday getting a tattoo. Normally, Dublin for me would be going up with the lads for a day out/session. Was fine, of course I thought about going in to a pub when done but there was no real compulsion or craving for a drink.

I'll take being a bit bored any day than lifting a drink.

Still go to meetings about five days a week, some are okay if not going through the motions but some of them someone might say something and I'll take that away with me and it was good to hear

Hope everyone had a great bank holiday

candycock

Only seven days off it but I'm feeling good already,it's filling the time that's a challenge,I've a foot injury at the moment but when I recover I'm goin back to the gym and excercise,is yoga helpful? I'm 32 but my weight went from 12.7 to 14.5 from heavy drinking,also I'm on medication for depression.any tips??

petes

candycock wrote: »

Only seven days off it but I'm feeling good already,it's filling the time that's a challenge,I've a foot injury at the moment but when I recover I'm goin back to the gym and excercise,is yoga helpful? I'm 32 but my weight went from 12.7 to 14.5 from heavy drinking,also I'm on medication for depression.any tips??

How long will you be out with your injury? Had you any other interests apart from the heavy drinking?

candycock

petes wrote: »

How long will you be out with your injury? Had you any other interests apart from the heavy drinking?

Hi I'm out for next 2 weeks with injury,I'll start reading again.i really don't no wat to do.

jeremymurphy

Hi there. Had a restless night after drinking. Been drinking really heavy for past few years. It's affecting me physically, financially and socially. Today I am going to try and quit.

petes

jeremymurphy wrote: »

Hi there. Had a restless night after drinking. Been drinking really heavy for past few years. It's affecting me physically, financially and socially. Today I am going to try and quit.

It's the first step in the right direction anyway!!

jeremymurphy

petes wrote: »

It's the first step in the right direction anyway!!

Only lunch time and already worrying about lasting.

Amazingfun

jeremymurphy wrote: »

Only lunch time and already worrying about lasting.

Why not try a meeting: it's something to do that's free and doesn't involve drinking, ya may even find it interesting


http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting

jeremymurphy

Amazingfun wrote: »

Why not try a meeting: it's something to do that's free and doesn't involve drinking, ya may even find it interesting


http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting

I couldn't do a meeting last night but i will try today. I had a work related meeting last night and worried would i stop at off licence on the way home but I didn't. I know it is not much but it is a major victory for me.

Amazingfun

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I couldn't do a meeting last night but i will try today. I had a work related meeting last night and worried would i stop at off licence on the way home but I didn't. I know it is not much but it is a major victory for me.

No, it IS much. I wish ya well today

petes

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I couldn't do a meeting last night but i will try today. I had a work related meeting last night and worried would i stop at off licence on the way home but I didn't. I know it is not much but it is a major victory for me.

As Amazingfun said it IS a big thing. Sobriety, not drinking etc. is not going to happen overnight. It will take time and the small victories such as the above are a big victory. You didn't stop at the off licence and you didn't drink.

They guys around here are around here a lot longer than me as are most people in aa. I was at a meeting last night and I'll be at one today. I've nothing really going on in my head that I need to share at a meeting but I'll be there anyway.

They do annoy me at times as I'm hearing the same things over and over but I do hear the odd thing that sticks with me so even just for that I go!

jeremymurphy

2 days without a drink. Feels good. Bit restless again last night but did sleep. Very stressful day ahead in work which will make me jittery later but brought no money or cards with me so can't buy alcohol going home.

petes

jeremymurphy wrote: »

2 days without a drink. Feels good. Bit restless again last night but did sleep. Very stressful day ahead in work which will make me jittery later but brought no money or cards with me so can't buy alcohol going home.

The one thing about sleep and booze is that you don't get proper sleep. Well documented etc. and you can just Google that. I found after stop[ping it took a good two weeks to start sleeping properly again. I was in withdrawal though so it took some time. As previously mentioned I'm in early recovery but I'm alert and not knackered at work. Getting up is no longer a struggle (sometimes lol).

I'm 35 and it's been a long time since I felt physically like this. Mentally I'm still working through things which I have to do or I'd be back on the bottle.

Keep going and it does only get better. Stress must be a trigger for you or you use it to alleviate it. Vicious circle as booze will undoubtedly make it worse, it's a depressant.

Best of luck today. Check in here and as I said before for me I find it's good even to post in here.

jeremymurphy

3 days gone and feeling better. Is that really possible after 3 days?

petes

jeremymurphy wrote: »

3 days gone and feeling better. Is that really possible after 3 days?

It is, it will take time as I mentioned previously and it will only get better. Has for me anyway. I used to go out from Thursday to Sunday. Die for a couple of days, would only be starting to feel better and do it all again. Then it was everyday ;(


But today is day 30

jeremymurphy

petes wrote: »

It is, it will take time as I mentioned previously and it will only get better. Has for me anyway. I used to go out from Thursday to Sunday. Die for a couple of days, would only be starting to feel better and do it all again. Then it was everyday ;(


But today is day 30

Well done. That is a great achievement.

petes

jeremymurphy wrote: »

Well done. That is a great achievement.

It's not easy, most days are okay and good but I might hit a low some days. But that's underlying stuff and maybe a bit of a side effect of medication.

First week was the hardest. I find if you can do something a few times a week that gets you out of living in your own head for a bit helps a lot. I also attend aa. All I can say is keep going as I intend to one day at a time. I know it is said a lot in aa but it it still stands true outside of aa.

jeremymurphy

petes wrote: »

It's not easy, most days are okay and good but I might hit a low some days. But that's underlying stuff and maybe a bit of a side effect of medication.

First week was the hardest. I find if you can do something a few times a week that gets you out of living in your own head for a bit helps a lot. I also attend aa. All I can say is keep going as I intend to one day at a time. I know it is said a lot in aa but it it still stands true outside of aa.

I didn't make a meeting yet but I will over the weekend. I often work till 8 so it's hard to manage getting to one during the week. What is the medication or is that too personal to ask? Is it something to help with not drinking?

petes

No it's grand, have already said it on this thread. Xanax. I had to get them as I was withdrawing from the booze and that was after only a two and a half week bender. God help anyone who has to do that in a centre.

Still on the xanax (smaller dose now) as anxiety is a big thing for me, drink most definitely did not help with that. Escapism etc. and feeling ten times worse the next day.

Yeah the meetings are normally at 8:30 pm that I go to, I do get to one at 8 on a Monday morning, one at lunchtime on Wednesday and Sat and Sun morning.
Find they are better as I'm normally bolloxed for the evening ones.

jeremymurphy

petes wrote: »

No it's grand, have already said it on this thread. Xanax. I had to get them as I was withdrawing from the booze and that was after only a two and a half week bender. God help anyone who has to do that in a centre.

Still on the xanax (smaller dose now) as anxiety is a big thing for me, drink most definitely did not help with that. Escapism etc. and feeling ten times worse the next day.

Yeah the meetings are normally at 8:30 pm that I go to, I do get to one at 8 on a Monday morning, one at lunchtime on Wednesday and Sat and Sun morning.
Find they are better as I'm normally bolloxed for the evening ones.

Lunchtime could suit me. will definitely go tomorrow. Don't see my dr will give me xanax longterm. Is that not addictive also?

Sunnyisland

jeremymurphy wrote: »

Lunchtime could suit me. will definitely go tomorrow. Don't see my dr will give me xanax longterm. Is that not addictive also?

Jennymurphy don't be worrying to much about long term anything just yet, your doing fine as it is, keep posting and sharing here and if you can get to some sort of support meetings,being around like minded people is one of the best tools in this fight.

petes

jeremymurphy wrote: »

Lunchtime could suit me. will definitely go tomorrow. Don't see my dr will give me xanax longterm. Is that not addictive also?

It is yeah!! I'm trying not to replace one thing with the other so trying to only take as prescribed or if needed!

Have a script for another few months though, on it a month already, certain situations I had to go through it really helped. Knackered half the time on it though but not too bad during the day.

If you Google aa you can use the site to find a meeting near you and what times they are at!

jeremymurphy

petes wrote: »

It is yeah!! I'm trying not to replace one thing with the other so trying to only take as prescribed or if needed!

Have a script for another few months though, on it a month already, certain situations I had to go through it really helped. Knackered half the time on it though but not too bad during the day.

If you Google aa you can use the site to find a meeting near you and what times they are at!

Did that. Have a choice of 3 tomorrow and 2 Sunday. Starting to look forward to it.

jeremymurphy

realies wrote: »

Jennymurphy don't be worrying to much about long term anything just yet, your doing fine as it is, keep posting and sharing here and if you can get to some sort of support meetings,being around like minded people is one of the best tools in this fight.

Thanks Realies. I will keep posting. Meetings are hard to make for me Mon-Fri with work but might try lunch-time meetings as pete said.