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Haven't touched a drop in...
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46 days sober today.
Hardly a major or significant landmark, but watching the days stack up means a lot more to me than watching the weeks or months. So it mightn't be a round figure or a huge milestone, but it's 46 days straight of waking up with a clear conscience and a little bit more hope and confidence than was there the previous morning.
Some reflections ...
I've been told by my counsellors numerous times, "You are not your addiction." This didn't really make sense to me until I recently came across an article entitled, "My addiction speaks to me in my own voice." And that's when I realised that this has been an issue with me. I don't get a little independent voice, a devil on my shoulder as such, telling me to drink. My brain tells me to drink, in its calmest, most logical, sensible way. It justifies it and rationalises it, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to separate my addiction into a compartment - almost a personality of it's own - within me. And when I get those old desires, I can recognise them - that it is not me thinking those thoughts, it is my addiction trying to control me again. I find this viewpoint helps me.
On a related note, yes, my addiction has all of my bad traits ... but I also need to recognise that it has all of my positive attributes, in spades. I would consider myself to be an intelligent resilient resourceful person. My addiction is all of those things, too. It will always adapt in an attempt to survive and thrive, and if ever I become complacent, that's when I'll relapse.
Something new I've learned about recovery. To me, recovery represented my addiction becoming less powerful. That is never going to happen. I am the one who has had to change; I have discovered more strength and knowledge and humility and moral fibre and self-discipline and courage than I ever thought was within me. I don't know where it's come from - I'm yet to accept existence of a higher power - but I'm lucky and grateful to have it. Being in recovery does not mean no longer experiencing cravings - or "compulsions", as I described them. It means I now have enough control and perspective and power to view these compulsions as mere "notions", that I can experience in a mindful manner and hold and turn around in my head, without acting on them or being upset by them.
I know all about "dry drunk" syndrome. A few weeks ago, this was about the pinnacle I hoped I might ever achieve. That I might SOMEHOW eventually achieve some sort of relatively stable sobriety, despite my history and against all odds. But that it would be a life of misery, with the sceptre of relapse forever looming over me and threatening to overcome me once again. Now, this isn't how I feel. I finally believe a sober happy life is within my grasp, and what's more, I'm finally beginning to feel I deserve it. The internal turmoil is beginning to ease. I'm a good person with a horrible tenacious addiction. But there is very real hope of a bright future, where I'm stronger and happier and better than ever before.
But today ... today, I'm just grateful for this beautiful 46th day. And I'm going to make it a good one. 0 -
Lady is a tramp wrote: »46 days sober today. Hardly a major or significant landmark, but watching the days stack up means a lot more to me than watching the weeks or months. So it mightn't be a round figure or a huge milestone, but it's 46 days straight of waking up with a clear conscience and a little bit more hope and confidence than was there the previous morning.
Some reflections ...
I've been told by my counsellors numerous times, "You are not your addiction." This didn't really make sense to me until I recently came across an article entitled, "My addiction speaks to me in my own voice." And that's when I realised that this has been an issue with me. I don't get a little independent voice, a devil on my shoulder as such, telling me to drink. My brain tells me to drink, in its calmest, most logical, sensible way. It justifies it and rationalises it, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to separate my addiction into a compartment - almost a personality of it's own - within me. And when I get those old desires, I can recognise them - that it is not me thinking those thoughts, it is my addiction trying to control me again. I find this viewpoint helps me.
On a related note, yes, my addiction has all of my bad traits ... but I also need to recognise that it has all of my positive attributes, in spades. I would consider myself to be an intelligent resilient resourceful person. My addiction is all of those things, too. It will always adapt in an attempt to survive and thrive, and if ever I become complacent, that's when I'll relapse.
Something new I've learned about recovery. To me, recovery represented my addiction becoming less powerful. That is never going to happen. I am the one who has had to change; I have discovered more strength and knowledge and humility and moral fibre and self-discipline and courage than I ever thought was within me. I don't know where it's come from - I'm yet to accept existence of a higher power - but I'm lucky and grateful to have it. Being in recovery does not mean no longer experiencing cravings - or "compulsions", as I described them. It means I now have enough control and perspective and power to view these compulsions as mere "notions", that I can experience in a mindful manner and hold and turn around in my head, without acting on them or being upset by them.
I know all about "dry drunk" syndrome. A few weeks ago, this was about the pinnacle I hoped I might ever achieve. That I might SOMEHOW eventually achieve some sort of relatively stable sobriety, despite my history and against all odds. But that it would be a life of misery, with the sceptre of relapse forever looming over me and threatening to overcome me once again. Now, this isn't how I feel. I finally believe a sober happy life is within my grasp, and what's more, I'm finally beginning to feel I deserve it. The internal turmoil is beginning to ease. I'm a good person with a horrible tenacious addiction. But there is very real hope of a bright future, where I'm stronger and happier and better than ever before.
But today ... today, I'm just grateful for this beautiful 46th day. And I'm going to make it a good one.
Lady 46 days sober IS a milestone , every day sober is a milestone . Your's is a brilliant post and it is so heartening to read it . Just realize the bright future is this very day so as you say make it a good one .
All your comrades in arms here are rooting for you .0 -
way to go. That's super and such great progress. You are having faith and believing it can be done. I think most of us have gone or are going through many changes. It's all part of the process. Quitting or reducing your drinking is just one part.
Coming face to face with & learning to deal with your demons or triggers is yet another. Please just remember to take things one day at a time.
Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself a little , give yourself a treat, you deserve it.
:) 0 -
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FortySeven wrote: »Did librium myself, never had any issues. Went through treatment with a xanax addict though, there was one at the meeting I was at tonight too. Not preaching but be careful with that. Good luck.
Well, did the whole crawling up the walls stuff before so it will get me over the few days. Why I was stupid enough to go back drinking is another thing
:( 0 -
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Hi Bonnie, just to echo what Marienbad says, learn from it and move on. As you say you have been off drink more than on it for 18 months, that experience like anything in life will stand to you. I'm sure you will continue to get better at being sober.
That's the plan. First times I gave up were hell. Have the Xanax so not worried about the worst things now. Avoid matches maybe 0 -
That's the plan. First times I gave up were hell. Have the Xanax so not worried about the worst things now. Avoid matches maybe
It's a tough auld slog mate ☺️ currently 68 days sober. Have good days and bad days like most. I'd say Thursday for some reason I might have drank but I didn't, it is one day at a time. I don't go to AA but some of their sayings etc. do apply but it's not for me. As another said take care with the Xanax, I was on it for quite a while and still can get more if needed but last weekend I stopped and had a pretty bad few days, best used for emergencies which is what it sounds like you are doing.
I too went back on it for a week and thankfully it was only a week. Always handy to have here or somewhere for a wee vent or words of encouragement from those that have been there or still there ☺️0 -
Well, did the whole crawling up the walls stuff before so it will get me over the few days. Why I was stupid enough to go back drinking is another thing:(
I used to wonder that myself when I'd find myself back with a drink in my hand, after having swore I'd never touch it again, (and genuinely never wanting to touch it again). But there I was, drunk again.
I found the answer to the riddle in AA, specifically in the Big Book's chapter called More About Alcoholism.Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people.
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
The rest here, might be of interest:
http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_30.htm0 -
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Massive well done to you, you're doing a great thing. You say you've never missed work or anything - as someone who has hit every rock bottom there is, and been through every treatment going, I'd say to you that you DO NOT need to hit rock bottom to see that there's a problem and to remedy it. You're in a really good, fortunate position here.
The first few days truly are the hardest so by getting this far in, you're doing brilliantly. Congrats!
Might I suggest Lifering meetings to you? If you're in an area where they're held. They're all about celebrating an alcohol-free substance-free lifestyle - whether you were an alcoholic drinker or not. Might be good for you!0 -
Lady is a tramp wrote: »Massive well done to you, you're doing a great thing. You say you've never missed work or anything - as someone who has hit every rock bottom there is, and been through every treatment going, I'd say to you that you DO NOT need to hit rock bottom to see that there's a problem and to remedy it. You're in a really good, fortunate position here.
The first few days truly are the hardest so by getting this far in, you're doing brilliantly. Congrats!
Might I suggest Lifering meetings to you? If you're in an area where they're held. They're all about celebrating an alcohol-free substance-free lifestyle - whether you were an alcoholic drinker or not. Might be good for you!
Thanks so much. Yes it has been a tough week, last night was the biggest hurdle for me so im glad to have it over and I feel great.
Im really nervous about the weekend away and if I cant manage to get through it with moderate drinking I intend giving up altogether so it will be a big test for me. The plan is never to drink wine again and im not particularly fond of beer so hope ill be fine with sipping a few.
I might consider meetings down the line if I find im struggling to conquer this by myself.0 -
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