Haven't touched a drop in...

marienbad

enoughalready wrote: »

I'm debating whether rehab is the best option for me now, seriously - 2 x litre bottles of vodka have been drunk over the past 3 days and even though I don't feel like drinking anymore, I think this same scenario will keep happening

If rehab was available to me at the beginning I would definitely have taken it .

I know quite a few that have gone through that process and it really can be life changing . Like all things drink related how well one does is directly related to ones attitude and you definitely ( to me anyway) seem to have a great attitude and frame of mind .

The one thing it does , to my eyes anyway , is that it allows you to recover physically and detox , if I can put it that way ,in a controlled environment and thus enables you to be more mentally focused to take on the addictive nature of alcoholism .

I would have grabbed it at the start of my journey if it was available .

Bonniedog

enoughalready wrote: »

Had a slip. Went to Galway with friends and ended up drinking. Now that in itself wasn't so bad as I was pretty sober and didn't drink heavily, problem is, the next day, (Saturday) I needed the cure so bad that I started drinking vodka at 9am and didn't stop until 3pm yesterday. Feel so bad and very upset with myself. I drank in secret without friends noticing and have been locked away in my room for last 2 days with no food and just a small bit of water. I have absolutely no one that I can speak to about it so just wanted to vent here. Sometimes I think I should speak to my GP but don't want it on record. I worry about myself and feel vulnerable. Back to work tomorrow and feel very dodgy, part of me wants to ring in sick but the other part of me thinks, no you f**ked up and now you need to deal with the consequences. I've decided to bite the bullet and go to work but just feel very alone and isolated. Thank God for this forum.

If I was you I would go to GP. Doesn't have to be your own if that's an issue. I'm glad I did (was one of those clinics where you are anonymous so you are under no embarrassment as you might be with someone who knows you). It gave me a bit of a lifeline whereas for years it was always the same spiral downwards.

Best of luck and don't let the bad feelings drive you back into just slipping into the old habits. Everyone falls at some stage. Nothing to feel ashamed of to extent it becomes the excuse gain.

enoughalready

I'm a f**king stupid eejit and should know better, feel totally embarrassed and let myself down more than anyone else as harmed no-one in the process

tinpib

enoughalready wrote: »

I'm a f**king stupid eejit and should know better, feel totally embarrassed and let myself down more than anyone else as harmed no-one in the process

Write as much as you like here, we are all in the same boat, reading other people's stories here that I can relate to helps me a lot.

So don't feel you are a burden here or that you shouldn't be posting. Writing can be cathartic so vent away!

Also, if anything, you are helping out other people who can relate to what you are going through.

Bonniedog

enoughalready wrote: »

I'm a f**king stupid eejit and should know better, feel totally embarrassed and let myself down more than anyone else as harmed no-one in the process

We are all fkn eijits, at some stage. And that is not confined to drinkers, by any means. Indeed there is a lot more civility and humanity displayed on this forum by people who have been where you are and have been, than on a lot of others.

We all do stupid things, or we wouldn't be where we are, but we are all doing our best to deal with it.

petes

enoughalready wrote: »

Had a slip. Went to Galway with friends and ended up drinking. Now that in itself wasn't so bad as I was pretty sober and didn't drink heavily, problem is, the next day, (Saturday) I needed the cure so bad that I started drinking vodka at 9am and didn't stop until 3pm yesterday. Feel so bad and very upset with myself. I drank in secret without friends noticing and have been locked away in my room for last 2 days with no food and just a small bit of water. I have absolutely no one that I can speak to about it so just wanted to vent here. Sometimes I think I should speak to my GP but don't want it on record. I worry about myself and feel vulnerable. Back to work tomorrow and feel very dodgy, part of me wants to ring in sick but the other part of me thinks, no you f**ked up and now you need to deal with the consequences. I've decided to bite the bullet and go to work but just feel very alone and isolated. Thank God for this forum.

You're okay, that's the main thing. Don't let them thoughts in, that's that part of your brain you have to try not to listen to.

Eat. Drink more water. One thing is where you are now you need to feel okay physically. You'll feel better.

A lot of people have been there, myself included. I felt like complete ****e and extremely low, took a week off work 'sick' to drink on my own. I then had to go in to work. That was hard. You know what, it was okay and it's fine now. You will be too.

Vent away ☺️

Go to your gp also. Not sure what support you have in place but should be reaching out on that end too but in your own time.

The flying mouse

Enoughalready The guilt and self-loathing and disappointment is worse than ANY hangover on this planet... most of us here know exactly how you feel.I was devastated at the time but if you get straight back on the wagon the harm is very limited.

Can you work out what triggered it or was it one of those stupid cravings that seem to appear out of nowhere? do be careful it doesn't open the floodgates. When you're on solid ground, figure out why that happened and how to prevent it in the future.

What needs to be changed? What is still not being addressed in your life? Where are your needs not being met? Anyway Enoughalready your back here and getting it out of your head, Today is a new day!

Onward and upward!:):D

marienbad

The flying mouse wrote: »

Enoughalready The guilt and self-loathing and disappointment is worse than ANY hangover on this planet... most of us here know exactly how you feel.I was devastated at the time but if you get straight back on the wagon the harm is very limited.

Can you work out what triggered it or was it one of those stupid cravings that seem to appear out of nowhere? do be careful it doesn't open the floodgates. When you're on solid ground, figure out why that happened and how to prevent it in the future.

What needs to be changed? What is still not being addressed in your life? Where are your needs not being met? Anyway Enoughalready your back here and getting it out of your head, Today is a new day!

Onward and upward!:):D

+ 100% , great post . Great bunch of lads and Lassies on here and here to help

enoughalready

I rang a helpline for support

The flying mouse

Enoughalready getting support is most important, as it be in my opinion we cant beat this by ourselves, We need help and support from wherever it comes from and suits the individual needs, no one support helps everyone but in my case i took all the good parts from everywhere and used them to help and focus me on my goal, which was to be alcohol free for ever, so far so good, over seven years now.

Here is a list of tools that have helped me maintain my sobriety. This is short

Make a written list, write down:
The reason/s you want to be al free.
How bad physically and mentally you feel after an adventure with al. (be graphic)
A list of your favorite alcohol free drinks.
Triggers that make you want to drink and be aware of them. Read Allen Carr?s book, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking.

There are lots more, but probaly the best one at the moment is taking it one day at a time.You have taken a huge step Enoughalready time to move forward again and were behind you helping and pushing you along :D

enoughalready

Thanks everyone for your support, it means a lot. Can't physically stomach food and my urine is so concentrated and looks like there is blood in it. Feel very unsteady but know that this too shall pass, such torture and for what?

lawlolawl

I may have posted in this thread before under a different name. I started drinking regularly about 3 years ago around the time of my 30th birthday because I was a bit unhappy with my life and wanted an escape.

Since then, I have gone maybe 3 days max in a row without drinking. I fool myself into thinking that this means I can give up any time I want.

My drinking hasn't hugely effected my life as far as anyone looking in from the outside can see but inside I'm an anxious wreck who blames his problems on myriad external factors that simply don't exist. I think that the few friends and family i have secretly hate me for not reason, I think strangers find me odd and I distrust them, I think members of the opposite sex love to toy with my emotions. Rationally, none of these things are true.

I have a good job, and nice house.I'm very comfortable in life but I don't appreciate it because I think there is a giant conspiracy against me to make my life hard. It's nonsense really. I have developed a nasty temper when I drink and I rant and rave about perceivedsleights against me that never happened. I smashed my phone to pieces last Friday night in a fit of rage over some trifling thing about a girl I like.

So, I've decided that I simply need to stop drinking because I'm right on the precipice of it utterly ruining any chance I have to be right with myself.

I've gained nearly a stone and a half over the past few years, i have a beer gut and I'm all aches and pains, beat to ****. People think I'm ten years older than I am. I caught my reflection in a mirror at home the other day and it reduced me to tears because I didn't know who the bloated, red faced guy with terrible skin was who was looking back at me.

I went on one final bender yesterday and bought 8 cans to drink at home at about 1pm. I was half way through the second can and decided I didn't have enough so I went back to the shop and got 6 more. I had the lot gone by 7 or 8pm and I was in a hoop bumbling around the place trying to do housework, cook dinner etc. I live alone now so I wasn't really bothering anyone but it was still pathetic. I usually just drink a bunch of water at this stage and pass out around 10 having achieved **** all withmy day. I was only a little hungover today which is a bad sign in its.

I had friends living with me until recently and they are the only people who know how bad my drinking is. I think it may be some of the reason they moved out. I was probably awful to live with in the state I am.

So that's it. I've forgotten a lot of what I intended to write but, anyway, this is day one.

It pretty much has to stick this time or I'm done. I have to want to do it and actually do it. No one is coming to save me, and rightly so. I have to do this for me.

The flying mouse

lawlolawl wrote: »

I may have posted in this thread before under a different name. I started drinking regularly about 3 years ago around the time of my 30th birthday because I was a bit unhappy with my life and wanted an escape.

Since then, I have gone maybe 3 days max in a row without drinking. I fool myself into thinking that this means I can give up any time I want.

My drinking hasn't hugely effected my life as far as anyone looking in from the outside can see but inside I'm an anxious wreck who blames his problems on myriad external factors that simply don't exist. I think that the few friends and family i have secretly hate me for not reason, I think strangers find me odd and I distrust them, I think members of the opposite sex love to toy with my emotions. Rationally, none of these things are true.

I have a good job, and nice house.I'm very comfortable in life but I don't appreciate it because I think there is a giant conspiracy against me to make my life hard. It's nonsense really. I have developed a nasty temper when I drink and I rant and rave about perceivedsleights against me that never happened. I smashed my phone to pieces last Friday night in a fit of rage over some trifling thing about a girl I like.

So, I've decided that I simply need to stop drinking because I'm right on the precipice of it utterly ruining any chance I have to be right with myself.

I've gained nearly a stone and a half over the past few years, i have a beer gut and I'm all aches and pains, beat to ****. People think I'm ten years older than I am. I caught my reflection in a mirror at home the other day and it reduced me to tears because I didn't know who the bloated, red faced guy with terrible skin was who was looking back at me.

I went on one final bender yesterday and bought 8 cans to drink at home at about 1pm. I was half way through the second can and decided I didn't have enough so I went back to the shop and got 6 more. I had the lot gone by 7 or 8pm and I was in a hoop bumbling around the place trying to do housework, cook dinner etc. I live alone now so I wasn't really bothering anyone but it was still pathetic. I usually just drink a bunch of water at this stage and pass out around 10 having achieved **** all withmy day. I was only a little hungover today which is a bad sign in its.

I had friends living with me until recently and they are the only people who know how bad my drinking is. I think it may be some of the reason they moved out. I was probably awful to live with in the state I am.

So that's it. I've forgotten a lot of what I intended to write but, anyway, this is day one.

It pretty much has to stick this time or I'm done. I have to want to do it and actually do it. No one is coming to save me, and rightly so. I have to do this for me.

Thats it in a nutshell,glad you posted glad you are here.goodluck and remember you can change your life for the better.

tinpib

Hope things are going well for everyone.

In particular Deseil, Bonniedog, Enough Already and Lawlolawl, how are things these past few days?

I started watching some random episodes of 'Intervention' over the past few days, some tragic stories but I can relate to them.

FortySeven

Just back from my 5th aa meeting in 4 days. My dad died on Wednesday. Never thought I would make it through life's hard times but the last 6 months have been particularly cruel and yet here I am, head held high, sober. I'm very grateful for my sobriety. Nearly 4 years now.

Good luck and best wishes to those struggling, remember 'this too shall pass'.

marienbad

FortySeven wrote: »

Just back from my 5th aa meeting in 4 days. My dad died on Wednesday. Never thought I would make it through life's hard times but the last 6 months have been particularly cruel and yet here I am, head held high, sober. I'm very grateful for my sobriety. Nearly 4 years now.

Good luck and best wishes to those struggling, remember 'this too shall pass'.

Just a great post , all just a day at a time

Bonniedog

tinpib wrote: »

Hope things are going well for everyone.

In particular Deseil, Bonniedog, Enough Already and Lawlolawl, how are things these past few days?

I started watching some random episodes of 'Intervention' over the past few days, some tragic stories but I can relate to them.

Good week. Going to match tomorrow but on last two days of Xanax so not under any pressure, and don't actually miss the drink once the first few days are past and the body starts to calm down! Last fall was not too severe or long lasting so hopefully can keep it up.

Thanks for asking by the way. Means a lot because there are actually no people other than one in "real life" who are familiar with what I share here.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Amazingfun

FortySeven wrote: »

Just back from my 5th aa meeting in 4 days. My dad died on Wednesday. Never thought I would make it through life's hard times but the last 6 months have been particularly cruel and yet here I am, head held high, sober. I'm very grateful for my sobriety. Nearly 4 years now.

Good luck and best wishes to those struggling, remember 'this too shall pass'.

Deepest condolences on the loss of your Dad, will keep you in my prayers for sure. The Fellowship is especially great in times like these, I always feel we are very blessed in that regard. Big hugs

lawlolawl

tinpib wrote: »

Hope things are going well for everyone.

In particular Deseil, Bonniedog, Enough Already and Lawlolawl, how are things these past few days?

I started watching some random episodes of 'Intervention' over the past few days, some tragic stories but I can relate to them.

Doing pretty good today. Still really tired though. Have a bit of a bad day at work yesterday but i just put it all behind me once i got home and everything was grand.

Condolences to you, FortySeven.

tinpib

Louis Theroux: Drinking to Oblivion is on BBC 2 tonight at 9pm.

I've started a thread on it here.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057589208

Laeot

39 days ....

Some days are great and some are awful...

But being sober means I can plan for a better future with a clear head.
Simple as that.

Hang in there my friends...

Bonniedog

Condolences on the death of your father.

JupiterKid

I came out of my 4th rehab just over a month ago and within a week I relapsed. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself. I am really struggling at the moment. I do go to AA and aftercare but often I turn up at these intoxicated. I am in a real dilemma.

I live alone and have no immediate family in Ireland - parents both deceased and two sisters who live abroad. I am also not working at the moment - I was let go from a good part time job last October - and the loneliness and boredom can be overwhelming. I do have a few friends but they are very busy with their own lives. My ex partner has been my greatest support - he regularly comes over to my place to stay a night or two and I crave his company.

People tell me to get out and do things but its much easier said than done. I spend day upon day drinking watching drivel on TV, or trying to sleep in bed.

My health is definitely getting affected. I have an elevated liver function and my blood pressure is through the roof. When I drink, I eat very little and am constantly throwing good food out as its gone off. i cant get deep, proper sleep. in fact, I dont even get really drunk any more. I know the alcohol will kill me if I don't stop but the compulsion to drink is so strong.

I'm at my wit's end. I'm 41 now and at times I can only see a life of loneliness and misery and a slow death from booze.:(

Bonniedog

Don't know what to say to you, other than offer sympathy.

You really - as we all do - need to change your life. You will actually be surprised how much better, and how quickly, stopping will make you feel. That puts you in a better place to make other changes, or even just cope better with your situation.


All of us here know the abject misery you are talking about, and that applies as much to people who were working as were not; to people on their own or living with partners and children.

Life can be **** god knows, which is why we drink. It is made far worse by drinking. Not long back on track after short relapse so am as puzzled as anyone as to why we go back to something we know is killing us, literally in the end.

Good luck with it.

hubba

JupiterKid wrote: »

I came out of my 4th rehab just over a month ago and within a week I relapsed. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself. I am really struggling at the moment. I do go to AA and aftercare but often I turn up at these intoxicated. I am in a real dilemma.

I live alone and have no immediate family in Ireland - parents both deceased and two sisters who live abroad. I am also not working at the moment - I was let go from a good part time job last October - and the loneliness and boredom can be overwhelming. I do have a few friends but they are very busy with their own lives. My ex partner has been my greatest support - he regularly comes over to my place to stay a night or two and I crave his company.

People tell me to get out and do things but its much easier said than done. I spend day upon day drinking watching drivel on TV, or trying to sleep in bed.

My health is definitely getting affected. I have an elevated liver function and my blood pressure is through the roof. When I drink, I eat very little and am constantly throwing good food out as its gone off. i cant get deep, proper sleep. in fact, I dont even get really drunk any more. I know the alcohol will kill me if I don't stop but the compulsion to drink is so strong.

I'm at my wit's end. I'm 41 now and at times I can only see a life of loneliness and misery and a slow death from booze.:(

My heart goes out to you. A number of things you said struck a cord with me, lots of similarities. About 15 years ago, my life was at a crossroads and I somehow picked the right road and very, very slowly returned from the brink and now I'm in my 5th year alcohol free and life, though it still is a challenge, is almost unrecognisable to the one I had back then. I have other interests, I look after my health and I have made a lot of new friends who share my (new interests). But it was a slow process. If I can do it, I believe you can do it do so don't lose hope. The fact that you posted here means you are aware and you are reaching out. Hold on to that positive chink of light for now and stay safe. We here care what happens to you. Keep in touch.

marienbad

JupiterKid wrote: »

I came out of my 4th rehab just over a month ago and within a week I relapsed. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself. I am really struggling at the moment. I do go to AA and aftercare but often I turn up at these intoxicated. I am in a real dilemma.

I live alone and have no immediate family in Ireland - parents both deceased and two sisters who live abroad. I am also not working at the moment - I was let go from a good part time job last October - and the loneliness and boredom can be overwhelming. I do have a few friends but they are very busy with their own lives. My ex partner has been my greatest support - he regularly comes over to my place to stay a night or two and I crave his company.

People tell me to get out and do things but its much easier said than done. I spend day upon day drinking watching drivel on TV, or trying to sleep in bed.

My health is definitely getting affected. I have an elevated liver function and my blood pressure is through the roof. When I drink, I eat very little and am constantly throwing good food out as its gone off. i cant get deep, proper sleep. in fact, I dont even get really drunk any more. I know the alcohol will kill me if I don't stop but the compulsion to drink is so strong.

I'm at my wit's end. I'm 41 now and at times I can only see a life of loneliness and misery and a slow death from booze.:(

My heart goes out to you Jupiter , but never give up hope . A great , great friend of mine died just recently in his 80's after half a century of sobriety . He was a huge inspiration to me and to countless others when we first got sober .

He too had a quite an amazing story and for years and years was classed as a hopeless case , in and out of mental hospitals , constant electric shock , turning up at meetings pissed and really was the example of 'there but for the grace of God go I ' .

But he never gave up, never stopped coming to meetings, never stopped believing that some day he too would have what others had , he never stopped hoping and striving .

And then one day his ship came in and he became such a bedrock of sobriety and AA in his city. He wanted so much what others had he went to any lengths to get it . 50 years of sobriety later he has passed on , but what a legacy he left.

That can be your story also , get up, get out, get to meetings , as many a day as you can . immerse yourself in the literature , hang out with the sober ones , if necessary make a nuisance of yourself , what ever it takes . You have nothing to lose ,

One day at a time . Check in with us here , we are rooting for you .

JupiterKid

Thank you so much guys for your kind words of support and encouragement. I am going to keep striving for recovery because the alternative doesn't really bear thinking about. At times it's very difficult but I intend to keep my recovery in my sights. It HAS to be my top priority. Nothing else in my life - getting my career back on track, a new relationship, a fulfilling life - will fall into place without having sobriety as my absolute priority.

I will keep you all posted.

tinpib

Hi Jupiter.

Sorry to hear how things have been going for you recently. I might not have experience of rehab, other posters here might, but I think most of us can still relate to what you are going through.

What did stick out from your post was you mentioning boredom and I do think it is my biggest enemy to sobriety so I will share my thoughts.

I don't have the length of sobriety that others have on here, sober all of 2016, but this is my 4th time giving up permanently and things are going better this time.

I like to think of relapses as trial and error. An error happening in engineering or design is not some catastrophe but it is looked upon as expected, or as a matter of fact and is something to learn from, in fact it is usually welcomed. In my case with relapses I think it was trial and error of being sober.

I tried things, some worked, some didn't. I failed, I kept the ones that worked and tried some new ones. Of course inevitably I kept doing some that didn't work too.

The more pratice you have at being sober the better you get at it. Same as anything really e.g. your job, golf, wallpapering, making an omelette.

Filling time and not being bored is my difficulty. In the past I filled time with 'worthwhile' activities such as trying to keep fit. While this was great it only really engaged my mind during the activity itself.

What changed this time was a cluster of things. I had a great idea for a side project, a kindle book. It was something I believed in but also something I would never ever find time to do while drinking. You need a clear head to write it.

So that was a reason to stop. Then I set myself a realistic deadline to complete it which was booking a holiday, which was also a reward.

I need to keep my mind occupied as I tend to obsess about things and for once in my life this obsessive nature was channelled into something productive.

Activity/project to do when sober, goal/deadline/reward to finish it.

I set this out over about 3 months but you can also set it out for much shorter, a few days or even a few hours.

It was great where my subconscious was working on problem solving while I was doing other things rather than obsessing about events to do with drinking. The fear, self loathing from actions while drunk etc. Instead a new idea or solution would pop into my head in the supermarket or on the bus as I was obsessed with it.

But having a deadline/reward of a holiday to hit ensured it was pretty much the first thing I thought of in the morning and last thing at night. If I didn't have that I would have let it slip. The motivation wouldn't have been there.

Maybe you could start today/tomorrow or even just tomorrow morning. "Ok, I'm not going to drink and because I will have a clear head I will finally go through all that paperwork/receipts and dump all the ones I don't need, tidy the rest away, then at the end I'm going to have a nice cup of tea with my favourite bar of chocolate and then watch the latest Game of Thrones" or whatever.

Then of course you feel proud of yourself for accomplishing something, which makes a nice change from self loathing!.

Anyway, it's just something to think about but it is something that is working for me so far, and has made a massive difference in keeping boredom away.

Keep us posted here. We can all relate and most of us have been in similar situations.

Edit: Just rereading your posts and you reminded me of some other things. When I gave up this time I knew that my sleep would be affected and I would probably have crazy insomnia and be tired for a couple of nights. So the first goal I set myself was to get my sleep sorted. That was it. Nothign else.

Because if i did plan on doing something I would probably have been too tired to do it and then I would have beaten myself up for not doing it and so on. I was pretty shocked when this lasted 10/12 nights, but once I did settle down I was getting the best sleep I had for years. That lasted two months and my mood stabilsied and productivity shot through the roof although for some reason now I'm back to 6/7 hours a night instead of 8.

But in the very short term you say you are watching 'drivel' on TV which again can lead to self loathing,that you are wasting your time etc. If you are focussing on one day at a time or one hour at a time I think you will feel better watching 'good' TV rather than 'drivel'. Do you like watching series? There are all manner of ways to watch quality shows like Sopranos, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones or things like Masterchef, Survivor or Making a Murderer. I found quality shows like this engaged my brain, and yes you do end up getting into them or 'addicted' to them but they are more satisfying to watch and more rewarding and you feel better for having watched them compared to 'mindless drivel'.

As a stop gap or as one very subtle change to your current routine this could be a start.

Also people without a drinking problem might think that watching shows about addiction would be a 'trigger' but I find programs on addiction very comforting because like you I don't have any friends or family near me as I live abroad on my own. I see you posted in the Louis Theroux thread, I hope you can check it out, I'm watching 'Intervention' at the moment and have watched a huge amount of videos on youtube.

There is a good list in this thread on page 148

And also lists of websites/podcasts etc here:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057548514

Keep posting here because, like me, it seems you don't have many people to talk too. Posting helps.

edit 2: Just found this, I don't really visit reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking

Hunter101

hi all, i have written on other posts today and i hope you dont mind me writing here. i have battled drink for about 3 and a half years now. it has cost me my friends, the respect of my family although thankfully no major falling out. i denied the problem to myself the past two years when people said it to me but maybe i wasnt ready to listen, but after this weekend gone and when i see what i put my partner through i want nothing else but to be sober for her sake and my own too, she deserves better. drink has cost me more in my life than i ever knew possible but i wont let me cost it my love. we have gone through too much together. but i feel im on my last straw. i have seen an addiction councillor and left it, im on antidepressants too. but even with all the warning signs in place i feel like i was blinded by my dependency to drink. only on day one but would love to use this forum and ones akin to it as a support both giving and recieving? thats just a small bit of my story hope its ok to post here

Bonniedog

It has been a big help to me anyway.

Welcome!