Getting jerked about by women

Semele

I dunno..

I would always have agreed in theory that the lines ("it's not you, it's me", "I really want to be friends", "It's just not the right time", etc) are just meaningless platitudes to conceal the fact that you're not that into someone- until I found myself saying them all to a guy I was seeing last week, genuinely meaning all of it and ending up crying like an idiot because it was so hard to do!

It's possibly the most adult thing I've ever done, hurt like hell but there's something oddly empowering in the aftermath of realising that for the first time in my life I've not just gone along with something blindly because it was good enough for now.

Although there are rational reasons, ie. he wasn't physically my type, we didn't have much in common beyond the superficial, etc, I can honestly say that he's a lovely guy who I get on amazingly with and none of those things alone seemed to warrant dumping him. It's very strange breaking up with someone for no reason other than that it got to a point where it doesn't feel right for me. And, cliched though they are, there is no good way of expressing that vagueness except through the usual lines!

So, rambling aside, they're not always just lines. Unsatisfying to hear maybe, but doesn't mean it's not genuine.

HellFireClub

Semele wrote: »

I dunno..

I would always have agreed in theory that the lines ("it's not you, it's me", "I really want to be friends", "It's just not the right time", etc) are just meaningless platitudes to conceal the fact that you're not that into someone- until I found myself saying them all to a guy I was seeing last week, genuinely meaning all of it and ending up crying like an idiot because it was so hard to do!

It's possibly the most adult thing I've ever done, hurt like hell but there's something oddly empowering in the aftermath of realising that for the first time in my life I've not just gone along with something blindly because it was good enough for now.

Although there are rational reasons, ie. he wasn't physically my type, we didn't have much in common beyond the superficial, etc, I can honestly say that he's a lovely guy who I get on amazingly with and none of those things alone seemed to warrant dumping him. It's very strange breaking up with someone for no reason other than that it got to a point where it doesn't feel right for me. And, cliched though they are, there is no good way of expressing that vagueness except through the usual lines!

So, rambling aside, they're not always just lines. Unsatisfying to hear maybe, but doesn't mean it's not genuine.

You can't do right at all these days. If you knock something on the head, (and I say this as a guy!), because you just don't see it going anywhere, before there is a chance that you will end up in the sack together and surely then it would be ten times harder to draw a line under it, you end getting told that you are afraid of commitment or have issues with commitment or are are "too deep"...

Then if you run with it and see how it goes, and "that" happens, and you decide that it just isn't meant to be at any stage after "that", you are perceived as a using sc*mbag.

My old theory is still holding fast, the theory being that you will only meet a potential life partner once every ten years, everything else in between is just padding that you have to get through and dispense with with as little difficulty and hassle as is possible...

RussellTuring

HellFireClub wrote: »

You can't do right at all these days. If you knock something on the head, (and I say this as a guy!), because you just don't see it going anywhere, before there is a chance that you will end up in the sack together and surely then it would be ten times harder to draw a line under it, you end getting told that you are afraid of commitment or have issues with commitment or are are "too deep"...

Then if you run with it and see how it goes, and "that" happens, and you decide that it just isn't meant to be at any stage after "that", you are perceived as a using sc*mbag.

My old theory is still holding fast, the theory being that you will only meet a potential life partner once every ten years, everything else in between is just padding that you have to get through and dispense with with as little difficulty and hassle as is possible...

That's why the sex should happen before the relationship.

Pepe LeFrits

Snogged a girl I'd been chasing for a while last night. Five minutes later she's snogging another guy on her way back from the toilets. That was enough for me to relocate to a different part of the bar, but half an hour later she tracks me down to tell me her woes about being rejected by another guy from the group.

She was locked, we all were, but seriously - GTFO.

RussellTuring

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Snogged a girl I'd been chasing for a while last night. Five minutes later she's snogging another guy on her way back from the toilets. That was enough for me to relocate to a different part of the bar, but half an hour later she tracks me down to tell me her woes about being rejected by another guy from the group.

She was locked, we all were, but seriously - GTFO.

We've all been there. Chin up etc. Anyway, the important thing is: do you still want her after that?

Pepe LeFrits

Not a chance.

Handsome Bob

Yup, once you see someone's true colours, the attraction drains away for me. Of course, there are exceptions such as length of time you're with someone.

Galvasean

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Not a chance.

Damn straight. As always George Bush puts it into words better than I ever could.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKgPY1adc0A

RussellTuring

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Not a chance.

Good. Consider it a harsh lesson then. People like that aren't worth your time.

LegacyUser

It seems both men and women play games. Its hard to find someone genuine because I feel alot of people expect to be played so have their guard up abit. Im a firm believer if you like someone you contact them and if you dont you dont so if you havent heard anything they are not interested, hard but you move on! I know guys arent deep thinkers and for them sex can be just a physical thing with no more thought after it. Since Ive been single I have noticed the amount of guys just wanting a shag is mindblowing, excuse the pun! Dont get me wrong I enjoy it as much as any man but theres too much consequences for a one night. I know some women are a little needy but what person doesnt want a little reassurance that they are a somebody and not a nobody in someones life! Who knows where anything will go but both sexes need to give the other a chance!

HellFireClub

Notallthesame wrote: »

Who knows where anything will go but both sexes need to give the other a chance!

Very well said. Easily to say that but very difficult to practice it though!

Handsome Bob

Yeah, patience is another one I find to be lacking in people these days. I'm sure we've all been on the receiving end, and in truth instigators as well, of rash decisions when it comes to relationships.

This seems applicable here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhxK2IOywVE

HellFireClub

LZ5by5 wrote: »

Yeah, patience is another one I find to be lacking in people these days. I'm sure we've all been on the receiving end, and in truth instigators as well, of rash decisions when it comes to relationships.

I put my hands up on that front, I don't really give anything a chance, but the consequences of that in terms of being single, I'm more than happy to live with for the moment.

I think as you get older and get into your 30's, you listen to your gut feeling a lot more, whereas in your 20's, you will run with things that you shouldn't have really bothered with...

Lon Dubh

That "Who's Gonna save my soul" video is hilarious. Too true

HellFireClub

Lon Dubh wrote: »

That "Who's Gonna save my soul" video is hilarious. Too true

It's a bit sick though at the same time!

cyrusdvirus

still funny though

YFlyer

Galvasean wrote: »

Looking for some feedback here:
It seems as if every seemingly nice woman I encounter has gotten themself so well and thoroughly effed up with 'emotional baggage' or 'issues' with an ex that they can't seem to function properly.

Example, I had been dating this girl for a little while. Everything going great. I really like her. She really likes me. Then one day, out of the blue she texts me (while I'm at work, yay!) with a message that starts with the line that can never end well; "Hey I have been thinking...". Basically she tells me that things 'are still complicated' with her and her ex and she needs to 'sort out whats going on with him'. Of course the whole thing is capped off with that beautiful sentiment, "My head is all over the place at the moment" :rolleyes:
Long story short, she can't see me (casual relationship that it was) because she has 'issues' with her ex, WTF?

Virtually the same thing happened with my last girlfriend too. Some BS about not wanting to get into another relationship (her last one ended 3 months before meeting me) as she felt she was 'getting too attached' to me.
Of course, she just had to throw in the ultimately patronizing cliché, "I hope we can still be friends" line. How's that going? Well we haven't met in person since and any time I tried to organize a mee tup I'd get fobbed off with increasingly lame duck excuses. Whatever about that. I'm straying a bit from the point now...

It seems to happen practically every time I get into a relationship (of sorts) with a woman. They all seem to have had some sort of traumatic previous relationship that has left them so emotionally crippled that they wont give a guy like me -who I might ad has done absolutely nothing to be consistently cast aside - a fair shot and let me go for some pathetic reason which has absolutely nothing to do with me.
But hey, I have a Y chromosome so it's not like jerking me around matters. I'm a freakin' caveman anyway. Not like I can get hurt right?

So basically what I'm looking to find out with this thread is am I just quite unlucky with this or is it commonplace?

Any girl mentions that BS to me, I immediately drop them like a hot spud. Always felt comfortable been single.

HellFireClub

YFlyer wrote: »

Any girl mentions that BS to me, I immediately drop them like a hot spud. Always felt comfortable been single.

It's a lot more common than you think.

I am a friend

Galvasean wrote: »

Virtually the same thing happened with my last girlfriend too. Some BS about not wanting to get into another relationship (her last one ended 3 months before meeting me) as she felt she was 'getting too attached' to me.

I havent read all the posts ....

I think (and this is no excuse) a lot of girls only let you know what they are going through as they get to know you... You may come across as supportive and they feel they can talk to you about 'stuff', without using their cop on and filtering 'the stuff'..

IMHO, they should not be dating unless they are in a good head space to deal with a relationship and not burden the other party with their baggage....

OP, how did she get to be your gf if she didnt want to get into a relationship? Not being smart, I just dont understand...

I think, in a lot of cases, the warning signs would be there from early on and you should not ignore them... I have baggage, my OH has baggage but its not up to him to fix it for me...

I do also agree with the prevous posters that the 'i am not over an ex' story is used to keep you at length... Its not cool and its not the way it should be done but in general, people are wimps when it comes to rejecting someone...

Dont give up hope, there are some emotionally mature women out there

HellFireClub

I am a friend wrote: »

Dont give up hope, there are some emotionally mature women out there

Seems to be a serious shortage of them in this country.

Galvasean

I am a friend wrote: »

OP, how did she get to be your gf if she didnt want to get into a relationship? Not being smart, I just dont understand...

Probably thought she was ready/wanted one, then later realised she wasn't. O something. I could care less TBH.

YFlyer

HellFireClub wrote: »

It's a lot more common than you think.

Don't I know.

Some girl approach me last night in a niteclub. We got on well. She did boast alot about herself and her job. We had a couple of drinks and kissed.

She gave me a very good compliment, I thanked her and jokingly pretended I was blushing. I usually don't give compliments immediately after receiving one and would wait till some time passby to say something. However, she was fishing for one off me the whole time so I said 'you're cute'. This didn't go down so well with her. It took ten minutes of chatting for me to be in her good books again and all was fine and dandy for the next few hours.

She did bring up the compliment a number of times later and it was wearing thin with me. I said goodbye to her at about 6 am from the hotel bar and went my merry way. I hate these silly games.

Handsome Bob

HellFireClub wrote: »

Seems to be a serious shortage of them in this country.

Uh oh. :pac:

I am a friend

HellFireClub wrote: »

Seems to be a serious shortage of them in this country.

Nice attitude - no wonder there is a shortage where you are...:rolleyes:

I am a friend

YFlyer wrote: »

I usually don't give compliments immediately after receiving one

So who was playing the game?

YFlyer

I am a friend wrote: »

So who was playing the game?

I'll give compliments when I feel the time is right, not immediately because somebody else did.

Galvasean

YFlyer wrote: »

I'll give compliments when I feel the time is right, not immediately because somebody else did.

Agreed. A compliment is meaningless if you're just doing it in response to recieving one of your own IMO.

I am a friend

Galvasean wrote: »

Agreed. A compliment is meaningless if you're just doing it in response to recieving one of your own IMO.

Of course but making a conscious decision / having a strategy of not complimenting someone because they have just complimented you is game playing...

Galvasean

I am a friend wrote: »

Of course but making a conscious decision / having a strategy of not complimenting someone because they have just complimented you is game playing...

Is that what YFlyer said though?

YFlyer

Didn't have a strategy of not complimenting her. Was intended of having a conversation with her to know her better. She was fishing for compliments.

getzls

Galvasean wrote: »

"Hey I have been thinking...". Basically she tells me that things 'are still complicated' with her and her ex and she needs to 'sort out whats going on with him.

She's shagging him again, tell her to feck off.

DanWall

It's all fundermental. You go out with a girl/fellar a few times, it takes a few dates to get to know the true person, if you fall in love you stay together, if you don't, one of you says goodby and you move on.

Tandey

YFlyer wrote: »

I'll give compliments when I feel the time is right, not immediately because somebody else did.

Why did she not look cute or beautiful enough at the time (presuming she got all done up for her night out) to give her one of those compliments straight away jaysus some lads and their mind games lol

Count Duckula

Tandey wrote: »

Why did she not look cute or beautiful enough at the time (presuming she got all done up for her night out) to give her one of those compliments straight away jaysus some lads and their mind games lol

Hardly. He has said numerous times now that he gives compliments when he feels the time is right to give a compliment. Being rushed into doing that simply because you've received one yourself is not reasonable if you're uncomfortable doing that.

All he did was maintain his stance that he'd compliment her when he felt the time was right; you seem to be accusing him of "mind games" simply because he didn't return the girl's compliment with one of his own.

Perhaps if women didn't require such constant validation about their insecurities we wouldn't be having this discussion :rolleyes:

Tandey

Count Duckula wrote: »

Hardly. He has said numerous times now that he gives compliments when he feels the time is right to give a compliment. Being rushed into doing that simply because you've received one yourself is not reasonable if you're uncomfortable doing that.

All he did was maintain his stance that he'd compliment her when he felt the time was right; you seem to be accusing him of "mind games" simply because he didn't return the girl's compliment with one of his own.

Perhaps if women didn't require such constant validation about their insecurities we wouldn't be having this discussion :rolleyes:

No sir im not 'accusing' him of anything, im simply saying that if he was interested in her enough to chat with her for a while maybe he was attracted to her enough to compliment how she looked straight away which would be an obvious thing to do.

I would compliment how she looked upon meeting her(if i was attracted to her) i wouldn't wait till the end of the night to compliment a nice looking woman that i have met and been chatting to for the night:rolleyes:

You make out as if giving compliments is a hard thing to do or something with phrases like ''being rushed'' and ''when he feels the time is right'' ffs just be mannerly and compliment her why make such a big deal out of it??

Tandey

Count Duckula wrote: »

Perhaps if women didn't require such constant validation about their insecurities we wouldn't be having this discussion :rolleyes:

I dunno about that last sentence as my missus doesn't have any sort of 'insecurities' herself but going by this thread some lads need too stop whinging, grow some balls and get on with their life plenty of good fish in the sea.

*leaves thread quietly.

Mallei

Count Duckula wrote: »

Perhaps if women didn't require such constant validation about their insecurities we wouldn't be having this discussion :rolleyes:

Judging by the persistent theme of self-pity that permeates this thread, I'd say on a quick read that it actually appears to be men who require "constant validation about their insecurities".

I wonder if some of the lads in here have considered that their lack of success with women might be because of the fundamental lack of respect they seem to have for them?

Handsome Bob

Mallei wrote: »

I wonder if some of the lads in here have considered that their lack of success with women might be because of the fundamental lack of respect they seem to have for them?

Has a lack of respect been shown in this thread?

Mallei

LZ5by5 wrote: »

Has a lack of respect been shown in this thread?

Inferring all women possess some kind of psychic hive mind, are flaky, unreliable, emotionally unstable and unbalanced, and that all those points contribute to these poor men being unable to find decent, loving relationships is a lack of respect.

It's saying that there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me, it must be her!

Handsome Bob

Mallei wrote: »

Inferring all women possess some kind of psychic hive mind, are flaky, unreliable, emotionally unstable and unbalanced, and that all those points contribute to these poor men being unable to find decent, loving relationships is a lack of respect.

It's saying that there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me, it must be her!

Fair point, and I'd agree, no need for generalisations.

I think that deep down, when it comes to both sexes, we know that something isn't right. There will always be warning signs, so it's up to yourself to see them. To have the confidence to walk away rather than hoping against hope that things will work out.

That being said, there are just some pure bad eggs, of both gender. Galva unfortunately came across one such person. All you can do is chalk it down to experience and learn to pick yourself back up.

galwaybetty

I have huge sympathy for you Galva, I've been on the receiving end of that line myself. I think that there are a number of possibilities:

1. She genuinely wanted to get over her ex and move on with you, but she is still in love with him.

2. She met him recently and something happened....and doesnt have the ladyballs to tell you.

3. She liked you enough to date you, but not enough to be in a relationship with you.

The third option blows, but we have all been there. You like someone initially, they are great craic....and then after a while you realise that the relationship isnt deepening at all. You're not getting any closer, youre just coasting. They have done nothing wrong, so you come up with an excuse. Or at least thats what women do..... Ive seen and experienced men who a) Just stop texting b) are awful til the woman ends it with them.

Personally I think that after the 2nd date you should probably know if you like them enough to date them, whether there is something there. Thats the appropriate time to end it, not weeks down the line. I'm going to try to 'screen' a little more carefully!

May I just say that I think that saying it in a text message lacked class and sensitivity, and Im sure you deserve better.

Also, on a side note-hate hate hate the 'can we be friends' thing. So condescending.

sam34

ok, this thread has deviated from the OP quite a lot, and i think we're done here now.

locked