Mothers scumbag friend back to haunt me

LegacyUser

Hi,

Don't know where to start really. My mam has a drink problem but has been off it for a good while now. This also involved her distancing herself from a complete low life she'd been friends with who was also an alcoholic and would reach for cans at 8am. This person has been to prison, has caused damage to my car, benefit fraud, stealing, threatning physical violence to my brother. My mam had an "accident" that i've always been suspicious about. Anyways needless to say we were all chuffed when she got herself together.

Thing is it's come to light that this person has been hanging around again. I'm pretty sure mams still sober buy you never can be 100% and i'm preparing for the worst. I know if she's gonna go back on it it's not because of someone else, but where as most people would be happy for her being off it, he'd only be short of pouring it down her neck if he had his way, hoping they'd be back to where they were. My siblings haven't mentioned anything about this and there obviously hiding it from me, which is quite hurtful bad enough my mam basically lying and being sneaky and it would seem like there not concerned. I went through 3 years of hell because of this and I just have no fight left in me if things do go pear shaped again.

I don't know what to do really, should I say something to one of my relatives, bring it up with my eldest sibling (who's younger than me). I don't want to land the person who told me in it, as they told me out of pure innocence as in it just came up in conversation( the person in question is doing work around the house) and they really don't realise the magnitute of the problems this could create. I really need advice or some perspective on this, i'm just warn out .Thanks guys.

Taltos

You are not going to like my suggestion.

But - if you think she is back to her old ways then the best thing you can do is to just say goodbye to her.
Nothing you can do can force her to live the life you want, all you can do is live the life you want for you and sometimes that means cutting those closest to you totally out of your life for good.

I have seen others here recommend al-anon - maybe reach out to them, personally I have no experience so I am unsure how helpful they would be.

Me - I know that when my mum slips (chooses to drink again) - well as hard as it will be, at that point I will say my final farewells and move on with my life without her mistakes pulling me down with her again.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

You are not going to like my suggestion.

But - if you think she is back to her old ways then the best thing you can do is to just say goodbye to her.
Nothing you can do can force her to live the life you want, all you can do is live the life you want for you and sometimes that means cutting those closest to you totally out of your life for good.

I have seen others here recommend al-anon - maybe reach out to them, personally I have no experience so I am unsure how helpful they would be.

Me - I know that when my mum slips (chooses to drink again) - well as hard as it will be, at that point I will say my final farewells and move on with my life without her mistakes pulling me down with her again.

Unfortunately it's not that straight forward I have a young sibling who I ended up minding for 2/3 days at a time when she was going off on benders I can't just turn a blind eye or walk away.

seamus

I think I agree with Taltos.

You need to sit down with your mother and draw a line in the sand. Tell her that she can either choose you or this guy. Tell her specifically this: "I went through 3 years of hell because of this and I just have no fight left in me". As the eldest child you do often feel obligated to take charge and be the carer for your parents, but at some point you need to accept that your mother's life is her own and if she chooses to make mistakes and throw it away, then you are not obligated to pick up the pieces and save her. It seems cold and callous, but there's no point in allowing one person's bad choices to destroy two lives.

All that said, the guy himself may have got his own life together and hence why he's back. Speak to your mother frankly and directly about it. Tell her that the second you get the incling that the old times are back, you are gone. A mini-intervention of sorts. Let her know all that she stands to lose and that her support won't be there if she falls again.

Having a young sibling doesn't preclude your ability to "walk away" as it were. You don't say how old he is, but "walking away" shouldn't be seen as disconnecting yourself from the family, rather disconnecting your mother from the family. You can still interact with your family without involving her.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

I think I agree with Taltos.

You need to sit down with your mother and draw a line in the sand. Tell her that she can either choose you or this guy. Tell her specifically this: "I went through 3 years of hell because of this and I just have no fight left in me". As the eldest child you do often feel obligated to take charge and be the carer for your parents, but at some point you need to accept that your mother's life is her own and if she chooses to make mistakes and throw it away, then you are not obligated to pick up the pieces and save her. It seems cold and callous, but there's no point in allowing one person's bad choices to destroy two lives.

All that said, the guy himself may have got his own life together and hence why he's back. Speak to your mother frankly and directly about it. Tell her that the second you get the incling that the old times are back, you are gone. A mini-intervention of sorts. Let her know all that she stands to lose and that her support won't be there if she falls again.

He hasn't apparentely he was nearly shaken one day because he had no cans. Now I don't know what's going on with my siblings either. I thought she'd been acting strange, she's obviously lying about some things as it's not just a co-incidence that he's not there when I call or we never happen to run in to each other. Thing is before we wouldn't have went near the house as he's afraid of one of my siblings and now he's up there, sorry if i'm rambling but I only found this out quite recently and i'm still trying to take it in to be honest. It's literally a nghtmare come true.

astra2000

Firstly dont see your siblings as not trusting you enough to tell you what is going on, they could be worried about causing trouble between you and your mam and also may not realise how bad this guy could be for your mother. You need to speak with your mother and siblings and find out exactly why this guy has been allowed back in. Does your mother attend any support groups perhaps she could discuss his return there. Or would it be possible for you local gp to arrange councelling for her it sounds as if she has some selfesteem issues if she is allowing someone who is so harmful to her and her family back into her life.
Let your mother know that if she chooses to go down this road again she will lose you and probably your siblings.
I hope this is not as bad as it appears and that things work out for you and your family op.

LegacyUser

astra2000 wrote: »

Firstly dont see your siblings as not trusting you enough to tell you what is going on, they could be worried about causing trouble between you and your mam and also may not realise how bad this guy could be for your mother. You need to speak with your mother and siblings and find out exactly why this guy has been allowed back in. Does your mother attend any support groups perhaps she could discuss his return there. Or would it be possible for you local gp to arrange councelling for her it sounds as if she has some selfesteem issues if she is allowing someone who is so harmful to her and her family back into her life.
Let your mother know that if she chooses to go down this road again she will lose you and probably your siblings.
I hope this is not as bad as it appears and that things work out for you and your family op.

Thanks astra. It's possible my youngest sibling has been "warned" not to say anything or she could be trying to keep the peace which really angers me, she's only a baby she doesn't need this kind of stress in her life. She knows what he's like his sister and my mam had a physical fight before and she rang me hysterical .I don't think the GP thing would wash at all to be honest. How my mam can be so callous to speak to me like everythings normal is beyond me.

Taltos

Totallydeflated wrote: »

Unfortunately it's not that straight forward I have a young sibling who I ended up minding for 2/3 days at a time when she was going off on benders I can't just turn a blind eye or walk away.

Sorry again for being so brutal here but...
If this is the case your mother is not a FIT mother.
the courts can appoint a guardian if necessary - not sure if you or another family member can take on this role - but worst case getting your sibling out of there may be better in the long-run. Who knows the threat of this might shock your mother back once more.
Look - we had to threaten to have our mum sectioned - went so far as to bring her to her GP and had all the paperwork in place - all we needed to do was sign it. She broke down in tears but so far 12 yrs now - has not looked back. I am under no illusions though - she might break one day.

However - it is not your job to run her life.
All you can do is watch out for yourself and your siblings to a degree. Sometimes the only thing you can do is the one thing you really don't want to do... Even if it hurts your relationship with your bros/sisters....

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Sorry again for being so brutal here but...
If this is the case your mother is not a FIT mother.
the courts can appoint a guardian if necessary - not sure if you or another family member can take on this role - but worst case getting your sibling out of there may be better in the long-run. Who knows the threat of this might shock your mother back once more.
Look - we had to threaten to have our mum sectioned - went so far as to bring her to her GP and had all the paperwork in place - all we needed to do was sign it. She broke down in tears but so far 12 yrs now - has not looked back. I am under no illusions though - she might break one day.

However - it is not your job to run her life.
All you can do is watch out for yourself and your siblings to a degree. Sometimes the only thing you can do is the one thing you really don't want to do... Even if it hurts your relationship with your bros/sisters....

She almost nearly lost her the last time she was going to live with a relative, I really hope i'm wrong I really really do. But it's like someone who's trying to lose weight you're not going to want to go and sit in McDonalds every day so why is she back hanging around him. I was gonna do something nice for her this month, out for dinner or something now i'm not so sure.

astra2000

Totallydeflated wrote: »

She almost nearly lost her the last time she was going to live with a relative, I really hope i'm wrong I really really do. But it's like someone who's trying to lose weight you're not going to want to go and sit in McDonalds every day so why is she back hanging around him. I was gonna do something nice for her this month, out for dinner or something now i'm not so sure.

I think you need to find out for sure what is going on, your obviously worrying yourself sick over this. Speak with your mum and voice your concerns especially re your sister. While I know it would be terrible if your sister was taken from your mums care, take heart in the fact that there is a relative who will care for her, lots of kids end up in foster care. Also is it possible to speak with this relative you shouldnt have to cope with this alone, you sound young too.

LegacyUser

astra2000 wrote: »

I think you need to find out for sure what is going on, your obviously worrying yourself sick over this. Speak with your mum and voice your concerns especially re your sister. While I know it would be terrible if your sister was taken from your mums care, take heart in the fact that there is a relative who will care for her, lots of kids end up in foster care. Also is it possible to speak with this relative you shouldnt have to cope with this alone, you sound young too.

I'm 25 almost, not that young. I'm well used to carrying this by myself, might be worrying over nothing and don't want to get everyone worried until I know what she is playing at. My mam is not going to be approachable over this i've been dealing with her antics long enough to know. It'll just be dismissed or she'll be telling people I'm a drama queen again and my life so empty that I have to interfere in hers. It will just be dismissed or i'll be told to mind my own business.

eddison

100% agree with Taltos,

Have courage, contact social services, in a confidential way, explain in calm terms what your situations is, and the situation of the siblings. Ask them if this is something they feel intervention by them is necessary?

Then tell your Mother you have made an initial contact, and they have stated they would like to investigate etc (assuming they would). You must be prepared to follow this up. Now tell your Mother, things will never be the same again. If she continues along this path, you will contact social services to protect your siblings.

You are not responsible for your Mother. This sounds cruel, but she makes her own choices, and you cannot change them. You can keep asking her to make different choices, but there is only so many times you can keep asking.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I've been thinking about things. I'm not going to screaming she's fallen off the wagon and calling the social at the moment when I don't even know if she's had a drink. I think I should just keep a close eye keep in regular contact etc, I always cop if somethings a miss she's acting strange etc and she knows that, especially now i'm aware of whats going on.

Would this be a really manipulative or underhanded thing to do? I was going to bring her out for dinner etc just to let her know how proud I am of her how much I love her etc and not say anything about your man being around. She has the strength to stay sober for a long period of time so maybe just reinforcing that with her will help if she's considering doing something stupid. Its gonna be hard to keep going as normal with her after she's brought someone back into our life who's done all these terrible things, it was forgiven the last time as she was on the drink. It really is very hurtful.

Taltos

Totallydeflated wrote: »

Hi guys,

I've been thinking about things. I'm not going to screaming she's fallen off the wagon and calling the social at the moment when I don't even know if she's had a drink. I think I should just keep a close eye keep in regular contact etc, I always cop if somethings a miss she's acting strange etc and she knows that, especially now i'm aware of whats going on.

Would this be a really manipulative or underhanded thing to do? I was going to bring her out for dinner etc just to let her know how proud I am of her how much I love her etc and not say anything about your man being around. She has the strength to stay sober for a long period of time so maybe just reinforcing that with her will help if she's considering doing something stupid. Its gonna be hard to keep going as normal with her after she's brought someone back into our life who's done all these terrible things, it was forgiven the last time as she was on the drink. It really is very hurtful.

Not a bad idea OP - and not manipulative at all really. Just positive reinforcement.
I do hope you are willing and able to move the official route if you feel it is best for your sibling though...

astra2000

Totallydeflated wrote: »

Hi guys,

I've been thinking about things. I'm not going to screaming she's fallen off the wagon and calling the social at the moment when I don't even know if she's had a drink. I think I should just keep a close eye keep in regular contact etc, I always cop if somethings a miss she's acting strange etc and she knows that, especially now i'm aware of whats going on.

Would this be a really manipulative or underhanded thing to do? I was going to bring her out for dinner etc just to let her know how proud I am of her how much I love her etc and not say anything about your man being around. She has the strength to stay sober for a long period of time so maybe just reinforcing that with her will help if she's considering doing something stupid. Its gonna be hard to keep going as normal with her after she's brought someone back into our life who's done all these terrible things, it was forgiven the last time as she was on the drink. It really is very hurtful.

I think you are doing the right thing, by doing so you may prevent your mother from going back on the drink. It would be too much at this stage to call in social workers when you dont know if there is an actual problem. Best of luck.