Pressure to get married

UpCork

This is something that is driving me daft. Funnily enough the pressure isn't coming from family or friends, but one friend in particular of my Mother. Everytime without fail that she speaks to me or Mum it's "any wedding on the horizon" and when I or my Mother answer no, I am single and do not see marriage as an event in my life in the near future, she then looks at me (and Mother) with such a look of pity.

Okay, 30 isn't far off, but I am happy being single. I am finishing up postgrad and I want to enjoy my life without being tied down with a relationship. At present it isn't something I want or need, yet this lady seems to think it abnormal.

She herself left school, met a man married him had kids, stayed at home reared the kids and is now looking after her grandkids. Her children went to Uni or into a job straight afterschool, met someone and married them except her middle son (the black sheep) who at nearly 40 is living with someone and his partner is only expecting the first baby now. I have told her time and time again that people are different and times change, but no not in her eyes. THe last time she was speaking to me she said "there better be wedding bells by your 30th".

Anyone else feel teh same pressure. I am actually avoiding speaking to this woman if I can (my heart sinks when the house phone rings and she's at the other end of it) as this is all she talks about.

Anyone got similar experiences?

UpCork

UpCork wrote: »

THe last time she was speaking to me she said "there better be wedding bells by your 30th".

"Or what, you'll start minding your own business?"

Seriously, sounds like you need to tell her to cop on and stop.

I got it from my grandmother a few times but told her to clear off and if it ever happened it'd be in my own good time. My aunt has also stopped the "when you have your own kids" business

Count Duckula

She's not even family? That's obscene. I know it's quite hard, but just ignore her. Ignore the look of pity because, really, it's none of her business.

We all have to deal with people in life we just don't get on with or disagree with but for whatever reason can't tell them to mind their own bloody business. If you're comfortable with your life as is then that's what matters.

Nervous Wreck

I'd be telling her to fcuk off and mind her own business tbh. People don't do that anymore. Life is more open these days, especially for women and, though some people might want that straight off, the majority now don't. Fair enough, she can have her opinion if she wants but getting in your face about it is ridic. None of her business. Give'r a verbal slap next time tbh.

UpCork

Count Duckula wrote: »

She's not even family? That's obscene. I know it's quite hard, but just ignore her. Ignore the look of pity because, really, it's none of her business.

We all have to deal with people in life we just don't get on with or disagree with but for whatever reason can't tell them to mind their own bloody business. If you're comfortable with your life as is then that's what matters.

Well my Mother and this lady grew up together so in a way she's like another sister to Mam.

She has a comment for everything.

It's the look of pity that gets on my wick.

She was like this with her own kids too though. They got married and she nearly expected themt o come back from the honeymoon pregnant, then when her first daughter in law fell pregnant and had the baby it was oh it's great, it's a girl, but they'll have to have a boy to carry on the family name, so when the 2nd child wasn't forthcoming for a number of years it was all she spoke about. Thankfully for teh DIL and S they had a baby a number of years later. They love both their children clearly, but I often wonder did they have the 2nd child to shut the woman up - she didnt' want the child to be an only child either. Heaven forbid if 2nd child was a girl also. Same happened with 2nd son, the girl came first and she nearly had a spasm.

Eviledna

Jebus that is really not cool. It always amazes me the neck of some people...I wonder did she get this type of pressure when she was young and single? ...probably from her mams friend!

As she's a long time friend of your Mam, I reckon you are going to have to give her a PFO - polite fup off. You are doing a postgrad, developing your career, and are very young to be feeling pressure from anyone. Perhaps you could say something that sets you aside, stops her from forcing her template on to you, something along the lines of...

Busybody: "There better be wedding bells by your 30th"
You: "God, I hope not! (cue over-zealous empahsis) I'd hate to be complicated by a relationship right now, I'm busy building my career and nourishing my mind, why in hell would I want to sacrifice that? Divorce is born of women forced into unhappy marriages and I reckon I'm going to wait until I'm good and ready!"

Then use silence as your weapon. Eyeball her and don't say another word until she responds, either with indignation or shock.

You can't force her to back off but you sure as hell can define your boundaries. Something like above should discourage her from the topic as people don't like awkwardness!

To be honest, I've been with my OH for the last 7 years and I'm 26, and I'm feeling it from all sides. We are both building our careers at the mo and are solid as a rock, so I don't feel it's the right time. Yet even our friends are saying when are ye going to get engaged, etc. I always reply with a solid forceful "I'm not interested in that right now,doesn't suit either of us", and it usually discourages the topic. But busybodies will persevere, so you must reinforce it each and every time. It's a pain.

dashboard_hula

She sounds an absolute pill to deal with tbh. I don't intend on having any children, and thankfully my parents are fully supportive of my choice, as is my partner (thank god). But I do occasionally get the old "Ahhh..won't be long now will it?"

Could you have a word with your Mam? Maybe she could tell the lady to back off a bit. Failing that, a very firm "This topic is not open for discussion" might do the trick.

UpCork

dashboard_hula wrote: »

She sounds an absolute pill to deal with tbh. I don't intend on having any children, and thankfully my parents are fully supportive of my choice, as is my partner (thank god). But I do occasionally get the old "Ahhh..won't be long now will it?"

Could you have a word with your Mam? Maybe she could tell the lady to back off a bit. Failing that, a very firm "This topic is not open for discussion" might do the trick.

It's irritating Mam as much as it's irritating me, but no matter how many times you say it to her, she's onto it again the next time. Now she's started looking at Mam with pity in a kind of "wouldn't you love to see her settled"; "wouldn't you love to have a grandchild" kind of face. If I'm happy Mam's happy, that's the way it is. She knows all too well about marriage and the complications it brings, so she's always told me not to rush into it.

Thing with this lady is, as soon as I am married, she'll be waiting for the kids. I know people like that - she was like that with her son - "would they ever hurry up and have kids" I remember saying "maybe they don't want them" and she looked at me as if I had two heads. Turns out that there were fertility problems somewhere a long the line that were "delaying the process". The couple must have felt awful, knowing that there were difficulties and every 10 minutes you are getting asked about getting pregenant.

Count Duckula

This is probably cruel but she sounds like a right 'orrible cow, to be fair.

Edit - Just realised how British that comment reads...

stupidusername

I'm thinking I'm going to start feeling this soon enough. I know my mam if she was alive wouldn't press me about it, but I've a feeling my granny will. though luckily I don't see her much at all. it's just annoying to know that's what they're thinking. I don't want to get married, or have children, but I don't think I could ever tell anyone in my family this. they'll just have to figure it out for themselves.

Supraman

Your life = not her business and most certainly not her decision.

Aishae

i dont get that from most of the family - apart from 2 or 3 cousins that ask if there is anyone im interested in. which isnt bad. they accept what i chose and know me well enough to know im being who i am.
its usually the friends of the family and acquaintences that come out with that crap you de scribe OP.

tell her youre joining a convent :pac:

dashboard_hula

UpCork wrote: »

It's irritating Mam as much as it's irritating me, but no matter how many times you say it to her, she's onto it again the next time. Now she's started looking at Mam with pity in a kind of "wouldn't you love to see her settled"; "wouldn't you love to have a grandchild" kind of face. If I'm happy Mam's happy, that's the way it is. She knows all too well about marriage and the complications it brings, so she's always told me not to rush into it.

Thing with this lady is, as soon as I am married, she'll be waiting for the kids. I know people like that - she was like that with her son - "would they ever hurry up and have kids" I remember saying "maybe they don't want them" and she looked at me as if I had two heads. Turns out that there were fertility problems somewhere a long the line that were "delaying the process". The couple must have felt awful, knowing that there were difficulties and every 10 minutes you are getting asked about getting pregenant.

I genuinely feel for you, it can be incredibly humiliating to face that question over and over again. At this point, seeing as she's ignoring your Mams words on the subject, and isn't taking the hint, you should just have fun with it. Depending on if your Mams the good humoured type, you should just wind her right up. When the subject of marriage comes up:

1. You're a freshly out and delighted lesbian
   
2. Get a crazed look in your eyes and mutter something about how the police told you not to "'cos of what happened last time"
   
3. Burst into loud, wailing tears and accuse her of massive insensitivity "I'm trying, I'm TRYING, what's wrong with me?!? Here, you must know, tell me what's wrong with me!"
   
4. Burp incredibly loudly.
   
5. Make vague references to love being unrestricted to a set of 2 people, and only those who embrace the beauty of polyamory could truly see themselves as married.
   
6. Something about waiting until the cream starts to work.

I'm not trying to be facetious, or offensive (to lesbians or polyamorously inclined either) but at this point feck it, just take the piss.

Borat_Sagdiyev

Mother's Mate: When you getting married?

You: When I want to.

Maybe snap at her as well, just for emphasis.

UpCork

I'm laughing at the suggestions.

My Mam is one of the least sarcastic people now but even she's giving snibby answers now.

I think she thinks that anyone who isn't married must either have something wrong with them or be a lesbian. She couldn't concieve of the fact that you might just be enjoying life as a singleton and don't need a man a your beck and call.

Very irritating. Hopefully I won't be first to the phone next time she rings.

Dudess

UpCork wrote: »

THe last time she was speaking to me she said "there better be wedding bells by your 30th".

:eek:

If she wasn't joking, what a nutter!

shinikins

I think that coming up to 30 everyone gets that at some stage, but they're usually in a relationship! My god the neck of the woman! I'd tell her where to go, old friend of your mother or no, i'd tell her where to get off and what she could do with her opinions when she got there. Have you tried being really upfront with her and asking her why is it so important to you that i get married?" in a really serious tone, and stare her down until you get a response? She might lay off then.

cdaly_

UpCork wrote: »

I'm laughing at the suggestions.

+1 on the take the piss suggestions.

Very irritating. Hopefully I won't be first to the phone next time she rings.

Caller ID ftw here...

Or, Pick up phone: "Hello?.... Hello? .... I can't hear you, can you hear me?..."

JaneB

As i single girl in my thirties, I've ad a lot of that type of thing too. I suppose if you were brought up to believe that a woman's role in life is to get married and have kids, and did it yourself you don't like to see people not doing it and being glad of not doing it, it enforces that you had a choice.

Scarinae

I thought that I would be relatively safe from this sort of rubbish, as my older brother (27) and older sister (30) have not got engaged yet. I think my brother has been with his girlfriend about 4 years, and my sister has been with her boyfriend about 6 years, and both of them are living with their respective partners.

However, now that I've finished my Masters and am no longer a student, everyone seems to think that I'm dying to get engaged to my boyfriend. There have been at least two separate engagement rumours about us - one among my college friends, which I discovered one night when I was home for the weekend, and another among my London friends. Example:
Me: "I'm hoping to go and visit my boyfriend after Christmas"
Friend that I hadn't seen in a while: "You mean your fiancé?" *knowing grin*
Me: "My what?"
Friend: "Are you not engaged? That's what I heard!"
Me: :eek:

We're not even living in the same country like! I've tried to explain to several people that we're both doing our own thing at the moment, developing our careers, but neither of us wanted to break up. I'm still amazed that a number of people seem to think that now I've done my Masters, I should drop everything and go to live with him. I've always said that I'd need to live with someone before I could marry them though, and I still think this, so I don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm only 24, but you'd think my eggs were all withering as I type from the way some people bang on about it :mad: I've just started an amazing job, which is for at least a year with possibility of extension, there's no way I'm going to throw it all in!

mood

OP I don't know why you are letting her stupid opinion bother you. Just roll you eyes and laugh (being sure she see).

Pythia

Ha, that's funny, I get told not to rush into getting married at all and to wait. I must be lucky!

convert

I've started to get this from a recently engaged, and now married, friend of mine. Everytime I've met her since she got engaged, she keeps commenting on how it can't be long before my OH and I will be getting engaged, or asking if there are wedding bells in the air, given that we've been going out for so long. It's so infuriating.

She doesn't seem to grasp that, just because she wanted to be married by 30 (she only had 6 months to spare), not all of us want to do so. Moreover, I'm expecting that there'll be a Christening in about a year or 18 months, not least because the husband, during his speech at the wedding, said that he was looking forward to starting a family (enough kids for a 5-a-side soccer team). :eek:

I'm meeting her next weekend and have no doubt that I'll be asked yet again when we're getting engaged, and it'll bug the hell out of me. So I may just call on one of the above suggestions (I'm especially liking the 'I'm a lesbian' one (no offence to anybody intended), though given I've just finished my postgrad, I think I'll have to go with the 'I'm broadening my mind and furthering my career).

Still, I'd expect it from my mother rather than my friend....

Stheno

Why do you put up with this? Talk to your mother, tell her you won't be entertaining her friend anymore, and clear it with her.

Then the next time the oul bat says something about weddings say "Are you waiting for an invite? Don't waste your time, you won't be getting one."

She'll probably never ever speak to you again

ToniTuddle

dashboard_hula wrote: »

you should just wind her right up. When the subject of marriage comes up:

1. You're a freshly out and delighted lesbian
   
2. Get a crazed look in your eyes and mutter something about how the police told you not to "'cos of what happened last time"
   
3. Burst into loud, wailing tears and accuse her of massive insensitivity "I'm trying, I'm TRYING, what's wrong with me?!? Here, you must know, tell me what's wrong with me!"
   
4. Burp incredibly loudly.
   
5. Make vague references to love being unrestricted to a set of 2 people, and only those who embrace the beauty of polyamory could truly see themselves as married.
   
6. Something about waiting until the cream starts to work

but at this point feck it, just take the piss.

Awesome choices :pac:

I'm lucky my mother in no way wants me to get married or rush into anything with boyfriends. She is actually more happy when I am single! Less chance of getting me heart broke I think that's what she thinks. She said she never wanted me to feel the pain from it bless her

I find aunts or female cousins will ask "how's the love life/any sign of you walking up the aisle" mostly just for a topic of conversation more than anything. Esp if ye aint seen them for long time.

When I was going out with a lad few years ago it was all local people(esp females our age :mad:) who were putting the pressure on and whispering in his ear or mine about will there be a ring this holiday blah blah :mad: For God sake we were only 20 at the time!

If people start that **** anymore in future I will just take the piss.
If they really keep pushing on about it alot I will say plainly and civilised enough to them to cop on and stop asking me as it's nobodies business but mine.
If they continue to annoy my head after all that, then I will tell them to fcuk off out of my sight and come back when they stop being a twat. :cool:

There aint enough time in life anyway without listening to complete and utter BS from folks like that.

Logical Fallacy

UpCork wrote: »

This is something that is driving me daft. Funnily enough the pressure isn't coming from family or friends, but one friend in particular of my Mother. Everytime without fail that she speaks to me or Mum it's "any wedding on the horizon" and when I or my Mother answer no, I am single and do not see marriage as an event in my life in the near future, she then looks at me (and Mother) with such a look of pity.

Okay, 30 isn't far off, but I am happy being single. I am finishing up postgrad and I want to enjoy my life without being tied down with a relationship. At present it isn't something I want or need, yet this lady seems to think it abnormal.

She herself left school, met a man married him had kids, stayed at home reared the kids and is now looking after her grandkids. Her children went to Uni or into a job straight afterschool, met someone and married them except her middle son (the black sheep) who at nearly 40 is living with someone and his partner is only expecting the first baby now. I have told her time and time again that people are different and times change, but no not in her eyes. THe last time she was speaking to me she said "there better be wedding bells by your 30th".

Anyone else feel teh same pressure. I am actually avoiding speaking to this woman if I can (my heart sinks when the house phone rings and she's at the other end of it) as this is all she talks about.

Anyone got similar experiences?

No offence, but her normality is very different to yours...that's all this is. She has a very different exposure to "social norms" than you.

I would suggest not getting wound up about it , you seem quite happy in yourself and don't need to prove it to anyone else.

IrishEyes19

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

No offence, but her normality is very different to yours...that's all this is. She has a very different exposure to "social norms" than you.

I would suggest not getting wound up about it , you seem quite happy in yourself and don't need to prove it to anyone else.

Although I know what a pain it is for someone to keep pressing the situation, I agree with "Logical Fallacy," I think some people thinki they are being amusing also by saying it, almost humerous. And I wouldnt go about being rude telling her to p*ss off or be nasty, this is her mother long term friend, that should be taken into consideration.

It would be a lot better to firmly tell her but politely that she has repeatidly mentioned marriage and to be honest, the comments are grating on her nerves. If she does it again however, its fair game. I dont see any benefit however in being rude to the woman who for her generation is asking a normal question.

mood

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

No offence, but her normality is very different to yours...that's all this is. She has a very different exposure to "social norms" than you.

I would suggest not getting wound up about it , you seem quite happy in yourself and don't need to prove it to anyone else.

I agree but I think it's very rude of the woman to try to push her idea of 'social norms' on other people. Just laugh, roll your eyes and she should start to get the hint. You shouldn't let it bother you so much. You probably hardly even see the woman.

Morag

Ask her has she finished menapause yet.

Maple

I don't get it from friends or close family, but I do get it from people I meet randomly when I'm down home. I was in the local supermarket and met three different people who I hadn't seen since the last time I was home, all three asked the same "any sign of you settling down yet" question, which was then accompanied by the sympathetic tsk tsk and pitying head-bob.

It annoys me for two reasons, one because it's the only question I get asked and it's as if nothing else I do is valid in their eyes and two because yes I would like to meet someone but I don't think there's something wrong with my life because I haven't met that person yet.

I mean I don't comment on the fact that their OH is a shambling alcoholic or that I'd cut my vagina off if I had to have sex with their OH for the rest of my life, or the fact that they've chosen to live in a one trick pony town. I don't scoff at their life choices so it annoys the bosoms off me that they see fit to denigrate mine.

bronte

There's one relative I've been getting this from since the grand old age of 23.
I'm currently nearly 27 so you can imagine how bad it is now.
Thing is, this woman is so insistent on me (and others,i'm sure) getting married because it's honestly all she ever did with her life. She reeled my wonderful uncle in thirty something years ago knowing she got a "good catch" .
She never did a fecking thing to support him, not even cook a bloody meal for him in the evenings..... watched him work himself to the bone to give her the lifestyle she has, claiming all the while that "this was the norm at the time" My own mother married shortly after she did and has worked all her life. This woman sees marriage as "the meal ticket" and it's all I can do to stop myself screaming all of the above at her!

Some people need you to make the same choices they did in order to validate them for themselves.
The next time she starts asking you when you are getting married just say "Oh God, I couldn't bear it!" and shoot her the same look of of pity back. Condescending pat on the shoulder optional.

Some people, huh?!

Dudess

It's so rude - thankfully the two people I get it from are individuals whom I don't see often.

The inverse is "Oh I'd hate to have kids, you must feel so tied down, you must really miss your freedom" stuff.

Both just projecting. Some people really do get freaked by others' life choices/circumstances - no doubt either a case of hating deviations from the norm (especially applicable to older generations), not being happy in themselves, or a combination of both.

Buceph

Just tell her you're engaged, but don't want the ceremony in "The Joy" so you just have to wait 10 years to life for the perfect occasion.

Abi

UpCork wrote: »

This is something that is driving me daft. Funnily enough the pressure isn't coming from family or friends, but one friend in particular of my Mother. Everytime without fail that she speaks to me or Mum it's "any wedding on the horizon" and when I or my Mother answer no, I am single and do not see marriage as an event in my life in the near future, she then looks at me (and Mother) with such a look of pity.

Okay, 30 isn't far off, but I am happy being single. I am finishing up postgrad and I want to enjoy my life without being tied down with a relationship. At present it isn't something I want or need, yet this lady seems to think it abnormal.

She herself left school, met a man married him had kids, stayed at home reared the kids and is now looking after her grandkids. Her children went to Uni or into a job straight afterschool, met someone and married them except her middle son (the black sheep) who at nearly 40 is living with someone and his partner is only expecting the first baby now. I have told her time and time again that people are different and times change, but no not in her eyes. THe last time she was speaking to me she said "there better be wedding bells by your 30th".

Anyone else feel teh same pressure. I am actually avoiding speaking to this woman if I can (my heart sinks when the house phone rings and she's at the other end of it) as this is all she talks about.

Anyone got similar experiences?

I don't know how you haven't told her to shove it up her arse. What a pre-historic old twat she is. I understand that you don't really want to be rude to this woman, but she's shoving her opinions down your neck without worrying how it effects you.

The next time she brings up the subject, just tell her you'd rather take your time about these things, rather than rush into a marraige and make a costly mistake. Tell her you'd appreciate it if she didn't bring it up again. She only speaks to you in this manner because you allow her to do so, nip it in the bud pronto.

R P McMurphy

I always get the old 'when are you going to give us a day out'. Must have been asked that a thousand times by aunts. Funny thing is if I do get married will not be inviting them anyway so will not be any day out for them

okiss

It must be horrible to get the comments from this old bag. In her day you were nothing unless you had a boyfriend or husband. If you were not married by 30 your life was over. Thankfully we don't have to put up with this rubbish any longer.
A few years ago a friend of mine was at a family wedding when one of her relations made a comment - we never see you with anyone.
My friend made no comment back as she did not know what to say.
Later the smug lady who made this comment had a daughter who arrived home in her early 20's pregnant and the child's father is never mentioned.
The next time this lady make a comment say it is great that we don't have to get married to have a life now and mention the black sheep in her family then.
You will find an old bag like this will be able to make a comment but won't like it when you mention something back about her family ( who as we know are prefect).

the_syco

Tell her you got engaged. When she says "Really?", say "No, just kidding. Any craic with yourself?". After a few times, she may get tired of this game.

LittleBook

I would totally do this:

dashboard_hula wrote: »

Burst into loud, wailing tears and accuse her of massive insensitivity "I'm trying, I'm TRYING, what's wrong with me?!? Here, you must know, tell me what's wrong with me!"

and this:

cdaly_ wrote: »

Pick up phone: "Hello?.... Hello? .... I can't hear you, can you hear me?..."

:pac:

And I'm repeating myself here but I think it's a very apt story for this situation ... can't remember which comedienne but she tells a good one about how she got sick of relations coming up to her at weddings and saying "oooh, maybe you'll be next" ... so she started going up to them at funerals and saying "oooh, maybe you'll be next".



Joking aside, I think you should have a little think about why this is affecting you so badly. You can't control what other people think and say but you can ask yourself why what they think and say has such an impact on you.

rbag

Gosh, you sound like a really nice person.

I get that all the time, but I've no manners and reply (especially with the older aunts etc) with "no plans. How are things with you though? How's your sex life?". My reasoning being that's what they're quizzing me about.

Guranteed they will never mention it again:D

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

Joking aside, I think you should have a little think about why this is affecting you so badly. You can't control what other people think and say but you can ask yourself why what they think and say has such an impact on you.

This is a very good point. I get comments like what the OP is getting a fair bit too but I am extremely sensitive anyway about not having a boyfriend (not even a sniff of one at the mo) so it would really annoy me and upset me. I would love to meet someone but it's just not happening at the moment but i'd like to think it will eventually, so the last thing I need are patronising comments from people on the state of my love life!

OP i would avoid this woman whenever she comes to visit - make it your business to get out of the house or be in another room. If you do happen to bump into her just smile/laugh and say something like "in my own good time" if she asks you again about getting married. Then if she continues to do it say "nope nothings changed since the last time you asked me!"