should we break up?

Tiger123

I don’t know what to do about my relationship. I think we have a problem but my boyfriend doesn’t.
He loses his temper and calls me names like b*st*ard, b*tch or idiot. He says it is heat of the moment but this is hard for me to understand because I never say things like that in the heat of the moment. I understand we are all different but I believe that if you love someone you wouldn’t ever call them names even if you are stressed and wound up.
Today we had a fight and he said it was my fault that he called me a b*st*rd because I wound he up (we were driving and he was heading for a pole and I instinctively said ‘watch’ but he said i shouldn’t have done it because I know how much he hates it when I shout when he drives because he could get a fright and crash.) he also gets mad and fights start up if I amn’t in the mood when he is.
He apologises and I’ve brought it up when we were both calm and hadn’t had a fight in a week or so and he said he’d try and stop but can’t help it if it’s a reaction to something that really angered or stressed him.
We have a kind of long distances relation (3hours apart) for a few months so we haven’t been fighting as often as we used to and I really love him and I now he loves me too because he does show it most of the time but I don’t know if it’s worth putting up with the bad times for all the good times.
I want to emphasis again that it's not all bad and the good times really are good. he is my best friend and because we aren't from the same county if we broke up i know i would never see him again and would miss him terribly. really hoping someone can tell me that they had a boyfriend who sometimes got angry but that it worked out
I have been told in the past that I have high expectations? What do ye think?

ynul31f47k6b59

Babe, look at it this way - if your best female friend, your sister, or a female cousin came to you and told you that her man was behaving like this, what would you say?

He is rude, he calls you names, you're walking on eggshells around him and you're already trying to behave in a way that won't upset him. My advice would be to end it now before he loses his temper any more and you end up either beaten up or with such low self-confidence that you'll never be able to have a normal relationship with anyone.

Please, please please - there are good, decent men out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Nobody deserves this, no matter how "good" the good times are. I DID have a boyfriend who sometimes got angry. Did it work out? No. It ended up with me with a black eye leaving everything I owned behind me bar the clothes on my back, and having very, very low self-confidence for years. Do the right thing. You deserve much better. xx

Tiger123

thanks for the reply but thats the thing... I KNOW he wouldn't ever hit me. i'm not at all afraid that he will. it's just the names.

ynul31f47k6b59

Maybe he wouldn't ever hit you - but I can guarantee you that the names my ex called me lasted a hell of a lot longer than any bruise ever could. I hope that you can get through this - but if he doesn't get help with his anger, it's not going to get any better.

booboo88

the very fact you're asking says alot

Tiger123

do you think that it's ok to over look the name calling considering he is a good man and loves me and i love him and every relationship has its problems. he does apologise and says he doesn't believe i'm any of the things and only says them because he's angry

IrishEyes19

I cant stand when anyone calls me names such as bitch or bastard, I wouldnt take it from my friends never mind my bf. That needs to stop. I think its a deal breaker to be honest

Tiger123

the fact that I'm asking if i should stay with him?

Tiger123

that's the thing irishirish19 my friends wouldn't talk to me like that but i think relationships are different because ye tell each other more or something. i just don't know what to do. because it hasn't happened in so long i'm thinking of just accepting the apology and seeing how thing go but on the other hand i'm thinking that the only reason it's not happening as often is because we've becomne a long distance relationship and aren't fighting as much

pinkdaisy

i think the issue here is that he's showing you a serious lack of respect everytime he calls you one of those names. It's humiliating and rude and not something a partner who supposedly loves you should do. I'm sure you know this yourself but the foundation of a successful relationship is built on many things, and respect is crucial. If he doesn't have respect for you, this will not last. And if it does, your self esteem will continue to take a bashing which is not healthy for you in the long run. When is it gonna end? How far will you let him take this?

If I were you I would sit him down, like you have done and explain to him in a non-confrontational way that this is not on and you will not be spoken to in that manner. If he continues with the "oh it's only when i'm pushed to it i don't mean it, etc" you tell him that this is a deal breaker for you and he needs to actively learn to control the way he speaks to you or you're walking. And mean it.

You do not have high expectations in this regard. You just want some more respect from him which is perfectly reasonable. If you don't get this you need to leave him. He needs to learn he can't take out his stresses and frustrations on the woman he's in a relationship with.

IrishEyes19

Tiger123 wrote: »

that's the thing irishirish19 my friends wouldn't talk to me like that but i think relationships are different because ye tell each other more or something. i just don't know what to do. because it hasn't happened in so long i'm thinking of just accepting the apology and seeing how thing go but on the other hand i'm thinking that the only reason it's not happening as often is because we've becomne a long distance relationship and aren't fighting as much

I cant agree with you, OP, I know you love your bf, but no, you dont speak to people like that and I would never tolerate it. Ive been in long distance relationships before too but I have never been called that and once when I was in a relationship where we saw each other a lot, I quickly corrected him and it didnt happen again. You need to make that clear with him.

Tiger123

pink daisy you're saying exactly what i've being saying to myself. i think it shows a lack of respect as well and i think if he loved me he could control what comes out of his mouth. once when we hadn't fought in a week or so i did sit him down calmly and said how much it bothers me and he said he would try and stop. he name calls jokingly too and he is trying to stop that but it really is like trying to break a habit. before today the last fight was ages ago and it ended up with me saying the name calling has to stop and him saying he will try but can't promise anything. i think i will have to give him an ultimatum but i really don't want to because i think once you give someone an ultimatum you've crossed a line that you can't uncross and the other person will always have in the back of their head that you could leave them and a relationship were both parties don't feel secure would be horrible

Tiger123

this is were i stand exactly at the moment. he is angry with me and i had text saying I'm not the one said something they shouldn't and he just said 'What? calling ya a bollix for shouting at me when i was driving? spur of the moment didn't mean anything which i said sorry for? I'd much rather that than be told you were happy i was leaving' (I said i was happy when he said he's leaving to go home and that i'd rather spend the weekend alone than fighting

pinkdaisy

Tiger123 wrote: »

i think i will have to give him an ultimatum but i really don't want to because i think once you give someone an ultimatum you've crossed a line that you can't uncross and the other person will always have in the back of their head that you could leave them and a relationship were both parties don't feel secure would be horrible

But a relationship where one party is breaking the other one down with hurtful names would be even more horrible would it not?

Listen, I get that this is difficult for you, but he's not even trying. You asked him to put a lid on the namecalling and he said he can't promise anything??

This shows that he needs an ultimatum, he's being lazy because he knows he can talk you down when you confront him about it. An ultimatum where there's a chance of losing you may scare him into breaking the habit. And if he can't or won't do that, then you need to walk away from this. Give him one last chance so you can rest assured that you did everything you could.

You'd be so much happier with a guy that values you and treats you with respect, even (and especially!) during times of tension and flying tempers.

But you're gonna have to convince yourself you're leaving him if he doesn't change. You need to want more from this relationship because you deserve it.

Tiger123

i know i'll have to convince myself first. it's just that i know name calling is a habit and like any habit we sometimes slip up so if he even slips up once am i suppose to say tough and good luck. where do you draw the line

ynul31f47k6b59

Namecalling may be a habit for some people, but I don't think that you should have to remind your boyfriend NOT to call you a b*tch or a b*stard. It's wrong, disrespectful, and if you really want to stick with this relationship, then YES. The first time he calls you a name again, you should go. Personally, I'd be leaving now, but it may be something you can work through if it is "just a habit". Are you sure you aren't just sticking up for him? Because I did the same, defended my ex to anyone who would listen while deep down I knew in my heart that he was being unfair.

Cheap Thrills!

It doesn't excuse what he is doing that it is a 'habit' or 'he doesn't see anything wrong with it' -this is emotional abuse OP.

All abusers fully believe that their victim is to blame for 'provoking' them and not doing things or doing other things.

Eventually the list of behaviours that the victim can/can't do gets so long and so ridiculous that the victim realises to survive they have to leave the person. But often by that time the victims self esteem is so low that they have not got the confidence to leave.

You can see now something is wrong. He can not.

If he wants to change it has to come from him, and at the moment he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong. In fact blames you.

I would get out now if I was you. Because 99% of the time in cases like this it only gets worse.

Tiger123

Brock Old Chrome wrote: »

Namecalling may be a habit for some people, but I don't think that you should have to remind your boyfriend NOT to call you a b*tch or a b*stard. It's wrong, disrespectful, and if you really want to stick with this relationship, then YES. The first time he calls you a name again, you should go. Personally, I'd be leaving now, but it may be something you can work through if it is "just a habit". Are you sure you aren't just sticking up for him? Because I did the same, defended my ex to anyone who would listen while deep down I knew in my heart that he was being unfair.

I've complained but if i'm honest to my self i've let him get away with it for nearly two years. I'm positive I'm sticking up for him! And I know it's unfair! i know everyone is only hearing my side of things and i knew when i set up this thread that people were going to see the names and say i'm being verbally abused. i know this sounds crazy but it's not the names that hurt. it's the fact that he would talk to me like that. i'd hate my self if i talked to someone i love like that. my last boyfriend said i was impossible to please and i had high expectations so when my current boyfriend said he was right i figured it must have some truth to it. please understand that when you've been with some one for three years and let them get away with something its so hard to just dump them.

Taltos

OK OP.

Look at it this way - forget about it being 3 yrs. Imagine this was your first date and he yelled at you say calling you a Cnut for making him drop the salt (ridiculous isn't it) - would you still be with him?

Ok - now look forward 10yrs - you have 2 kids and one of the playing with their dad kicks the football at goal - your OH slips on the mud and tells the kid that he is a little pissant focking b*llox...

How can you really live with either of those???

Now - me - I would be walking - but if you want to give him one last chance - have that talk - and give him that ultimatum. I am not fond of them either, but at least he will then know where he stands. You do have to be 10)% willing to carry through.

Some things though
> stop making excuses for him
> you are NOT high maintenance - what woman who allows herself to be so degraded is high-maintenance?

Have a chat - and help him get better - but if he proves that he is happy to be the pr1ck that he is get the hell out of there before your 10yr old son turns around and calls you a whore for making him miss his cartoons by having to do his homework...

ggrr1970

Verbal Abuse is Step One on the route to Physical Abuse

Neyite

Tiger123,

I had a boyfriend who used to shout and call me names, when he was angry, or 'affectionatly' call me a fat b*tch (i'm a size 8 btw) - those were his more milder names he called me. You dont see it now but yes, it is a form of abuse, and him telling you he cannot promise anything is telling you that he cannot be arsed to try for you. I'm sorry, I know how that hurts, I've been there. My ex was also from another country and anytime he overstepped the mark, he hid behind the 'language barrier' despite the fact he spoke better english than I did to wiggle out of the way he spoke to me.

you say he does not hit you - well he does not need to does he? his words are enough to hurt you and control you. When he has worn you down to answering to 'b*tch' or 'wh*ore' and you no longer react with hurt to that, then he will start to push you around.

Calling names is childish, and adult usually develop better communication skills as they mature. For him to namecall shows his immaturity, and a cruel streak. For me, one day I was making dinner and he called me a daft c*nt. I got a flash where I imagined myself in 10 years time with a child and him encouraging the child to laugh with him calling me a horrible name and the blood drained from my face. I knew in that moment I could never have children with this man. We split soon after.

I will leave you with this thought - he claims he cant help calling you names in the heat of the moment - does he do this with his boss? his mum? his colleagues? I would bet a months wages the answer to those is no. So he can help it, he just chooses not to.

Tiger123

Taltos wrote: »

OK OP.

Look at it this way - forget about it being 3 yrs. Imagine this was your first date and he yelled at you say calling you a Cnut for making him drop the salt (ridiculous isn't it) - would you still be with him?

Ok - now look forward 10yrs - you have 2 kids and one of the playing with their dad kicks the football at goal - your OH slips on the mud and tells the kid that he is a little pissant focking b*llox...

How can you really live with either of those???

Now - me - I would be walking - but if you want to give him one last chance - have that talk - and give him that ultimatum. I am not fond of them either, but at least he will then know where he stands. You do have to be 10)% willing to carry through.

Some things though
> stop making excuses for him
> you are NOT high maintenance - what woman who allows herself to be so degraded is high-maintenance?

Have a chat - and help him get better - but if he proves that he is happy to be the pr1ck that he is get the hell out of there before your 10yr old son turns around and calls you a whore for making him miss his cartoons by having to do his homework...

Thanks Taltos, i'm going to give him one more chance because thats just the type of person i am. call me a push over but i cant just finish it. it needs to stop and it shouldn't be that difficult if he really tries. if he doesn't stop straight away i will finish it and be happy that i'm doing it now instead of trying to do it later when we could have kids and mortgages to be thinking about. thanks to everyone for your advice. saying this stuff out load makes me realise i sound so stupid like all them people on telling saying... but he loves me or its my fault really. i haven't exaggerated anything i said on this thread so everyones replies has made me realise i'm not being dramatic and i'm not overreacting by ending a relationship because of a problem when everything else between us is fine.

Tiger123

Neyite wrote: »

Tiger123,

I had a boyfriend who used to shout and call me names, when he was angry, or 'affectionatly' call me a fat b*tch (i'm a size 8 btw) - those were his more milder names he called me. You dont see it now but yes, it is a form of abuse, and him telling you he cannot promise anything is telling you that he cannot be arsed to try for you. I'm sorry, I know how that hurts, I've been there. My ex was also from another country and anytime he overstepped the mark, he hid behind the 'language barrier' despite the fact he spoke better english than I did to wiggle out of the way he spoke to me.

you say he does not hit you - well he does not need to does he? his words are enough to hurt you and control you. When he has worn you down to answering to 'b*tch' or 'wh*ore' and you no longer react with hurt to that, then he will start to push you around.

Calling names is childish, and adult usually develop better communication skills as they mature. For him to namecall shows his immaturity, and a cruel streak. For me, one day I was making dinner and he called me a daft c*nt. I got a flash where I imagined myself in 10 years time with a child and him encouraging the child to laugh with him calling me a horrible name and the blood drained from my face. I knew in that moment I could never have children with this man. We split soon after.

I will leave you with this thought - he claims he cant help calling you names in the heat of the moment - does he do this with his boss? his mum? his colleagues? I would bet a months wages the answer to those is no. So he can help it, he just chooses not to.

Thanks Neyite. i'm going to take yer advise and if things don't change straight away i will leave him. and i know i can. i know i don't sound like it but i do have alot of confidence and self esteem and luckily i have a happy life that doesn't revolve around him because of the distance so won't be taking it any more. it's a very small thing to ask of him and if he can't do it i will finish with him. plenty of people lose someone they love and get over it and so will i

Taltos

Tiger123 wrote: »

Thanks Neyite. i'm going to take yer advise and if things don't change straight away i will leave him. and i know i can. i know i don't sound like it but i do have alot of confidence and self esteem and luckily i have a happy life that doesn't revolve around him because of the distance so won't be taking it any more. it's a very small thing to ask of him and if he can't do it i will finish with him. plenty of people lose someone they love and get over it and so will i

Brilliant.
Remember - if he does not stop - then he clearly does NOT love you. So don't waste your tears on a user / abuser.

Best of luck.
T

Cheap Thrills!

Tiger123 wrote: »

I've complained but if i'm honest to my self i've let him get away with it for nearly two years. I'm positive I'm sticking up for him! And I know it's unfair! i know everyone is only hearing my side of things and i knew when i set up this thread that people were going to see the names and say i'm being verbally abused. i know this sounds crazy but it's not the names that hurt. it's the fact that he would talk to me like that. i'd hate my self if i talked to someone i love like that. my last boyfriend said i was impossible to please and i had high expectations so when my current boyfriend said he was right i figured it must have some truth to it. please understand that when you've been with some one for three years and let them get away with something its so hard to just dump them.

Hon, this is a justification, it's a red herring (whether true or false) someone with 'high expectations' doesn't deserve to be abused.

You're very quick to take the blame.

He's working on your emotions over time to make you think everything is your fault. Whatever your 'faults' real or perceived this is NOT an acceptable or healthy way for your BF to behave.

Verbal abuse is mental/emotional abuse. It makes your mind busy thinking about sad and negative things. You become sensitive and unsure of things.

OP, mental/emotional abuse is real. One of the most common things of all is for the target of the abuse to make excuses for and excuse their abuser. It's a form of self protection. That might seem ok for now.

But what if you were trapped with a baby or living together and times were hard and he continued and it got worse....?

adagio

Op...
Respect is the building block for all relationships.... if there is lack of respect in any relationship and the relationship continues despite this vacuum, then the erosion of self esteem/confidence will occur.
The words from a partners mouth should be those of encouragement/support and love... full stop.
No grey area Op.
Be strong.

Marina-anseo

It's as if I wrote this. I have been through what you described and I'm happy to say I solved it. I told him that if he ever spoke to me like that again I would have no choice but to leave him. He may have grown up thinking its okay to speak to someone in that way but not where I'm from. Sometimes when he would lose his temper and be insulting I kept my voice calm and told him he will realise his mistake and have to apologise when he calmed down of course that isn't enough to stop it permanently so I told him I deserve better and so do you. I mean't what I said and he has never spoken to me like that since, doesnt lose his temper and if I'm not in the mood well try another time :rolleyes:
But you have to also ask yourself do you really love him? I'm also very idealistic and when someone you love treats you like that can you forget it? That's what I'm dealing with now. If you're like me then you, not so much hold grudges, but don't completely forget when people let you down.

Tiger123

Marina-anseo wrote: »

It's as if I wrote this. I have been through what you described and I'm happy to say I solved it. I told him that if he ever spoke to me like that again I would have no choice but to leave him. He may have grown up thinking its okay to speak to someone in that way but not where I'm from. Sometimes when he would lose his temper and be insulting I kept my voice calm and told him he will realise his mistake and have to apologise when he calmed down of course that isn't enough to stop it permanently so I told him I deserve better and so do you. I mean't what I said and he has never spoken to me like that since, doesnt lose his temper and if I'm not in the mood well try another time :rolleyes:
But you have to also ask yourself do you really love him? I'm also very idealistic and when someone you love treats you like that can you forget it? That's what I'm dealing with now. If you're like me then you, not so much hold grudges, but don't completely forget when people let you down.

Thanks for the reply. I sent him a big long email and told him to read it seen as when i talk to him about it it doesn't seem to be registering and we talked afterwards about what i'd written and he swore he'd never call me names again. i thought i'd be over the moon to hear this but i'm not. i don't know if i'm just tired after the whole thing or what but i feel like i don't care. i'm wondering if i want to be with him even though he's made this promise. he's picking up on it and said that any time we have big fights its always him to fight for us and that if it was left to me we'd just break up. it's like i have no strong feelings either way

Taltos

Tiger123 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I sent him a big long email and told him to read it seen as when i talk to him about it it doesn't seem to be registering and we talked afterwards about what i'd written and he swore he'd never call me names again. i thought i'd be over the moon to hear this but i'm not. i don't know if i'm just tired after the whole thing or what but i feel like i don't care. i'm wondering if i want to be with him even though he's made this promise. he's picking up on it and said that any time we have big fights its always him to fight for us and that if it was left to me we'd just break up. it's like i have no strong feelings either way

So let me get this right. You pour your heart out to him about how crappy you have been feeling due to his disrespect. And somehow he turns this into your fault again for not fighting enough for a relationship that is sucking the life out of you.
OP - I think you have your answer in his response. Name calling or no name calling. Master manipulator, shame he cannot manipulate his own mouth into a bit more of a caring boyfriend one.

Some folk just amaze me. <sigh>

Tiger123

i didn't look at it that way. god i'm confused all over again. i just don't know what i want. i don't know if i still have a problem with him or if i'm fine now that he promised not to call me names. aaaahhhhh!!!!! too confused

Taltos

Just take it slowly.
Remember - name calling is not the real problem here - it is only a symptom. (on a guess here based on his reply to you...)

The real issue is one of degradation - making himself feel better by making you feel crappy about yourself. His job is to make you feel loved and special and the most wonderful person in the world.
Hopefully by changing the name calling he will actually address this and will cop onto himself in the broader scheme.

I think so far you are playing a blinder.
Now comes the difficult part - but only for a little while.
Either one of 3 things will happen with him.
1. He will now fully realise what he was doing and will cop on as above. Hopefully this is the route things will go.
2. He will stop calling you names for a while but maybe in a month or two when something sets him off he will start again - maybe slowly maybe worse.
3. He will change his game, instead of name calling he will start on some other aspect of your confidence - maybe making less than supportive comments around your looks, could be your choice of clothes, your "deadbeat" friends or even your breath who knows. This is low risk - but keep your eyes open for it all the same. The first hint of him going this route you have to stop him immediately. This also includes him blaming you for anything - even for not "fighting" for the relationship as much as him.

Who knows OP - maybe from your 2nd to last post this relationship has just run its course and you are just too exhausted by his name calling to want to fight for it anymore. If that is the case well that is fine too.
Big thing now is to ensure that you take the time you need to figure out what it is you want - and then to go for it.

Well done on letting him know how you feel. Don't ever let anyone treat you like that again though, it says alot more about them than about you.