should we break up?

Tiger123

Thanks so much. Well he still isn't talking to me (yes you heard right... HE'S not talking to ME. He's still angry because i said i was happy he was going home because i didn't want to spend the weekend with him anymore). Once he promised not to call me names again i said fine and was willing to move passed this but, like i said, the two of us are unsure if we want to be together any more. time will tell i suppose. if we stay together i can see number two on your list happening again but we'll see. number 3 happens already but it's not as bad as it sounds. i always tell him too if he needs a chewing gum and i appreciate his opinion on what i'm wearing. he always says the truth so when he tells me how good i look I beleve him and it makes me feel great. apart from the fights we really are best friends and can tell each other anything. but at the end of the day, if I'm going to be perceived as having high expectations, i may as well live up to it. from now on i want someone who is my best friend AND a gentlemen. whether or not my current boyfriend is this we will see.

Tiger123

back again! hi guys,

finally got him to talk to me and he is still really thick with me. we had it out and the fight went totally off point and we ended up fighting about everything and anything. it ended up with us fighting about the way we fight!!!! i hate that he shouts and he hates that i go quiet. i said that i can promise not to go quiet and ignore him if he didn't shout. i only go quiet because i refuse to talk to him when he's wound up and shouting. i asked him to promise not to shout and he said it was totally irrational of me to ask this of him that because everyone shouts in fights. ('apart from you because you are passionless'), he said 'i promised not to call you names, now this, what next?

am i living in the land of fairies? would love to know in reality if people shout during fights. i don't so can't understand why he has to

Taltos

Tiger123 wrote: »

('apart from you because you are passionless'), he said 'i promised not to call you names, now this, what next?

So - he is still knocking you down then. Do you deserve to be called names or made to feel like there is something wrong with you?

As to your question though:
Anyway - in answer to your question - not all couples shout like cats and dogs. Some do though. Some also shout sometimes and don't other times. It all depends.

Here are some suggestions though:
a) Don't discuss high stress items when either of you are already stressed / overly tired / under the influence.
b) Agree on a safe word / phrase - to let the other person know you need a few minutes or a time out.
c) Both of you need to agree to always try to see it from the other persons perspective - walk a mile in my shoes and all that.
d) Try not to make it all about "you did this wrong" etc - instead try "I don't know if you realised but when you told me X, I felt really upset. Maybe we can approach it differently next time?" - don't blame but engage the other person looking for their input / advice or suggestions.
e) Don't let fights stretch on or indeed tolerate sulks for ages. A distant relation I know one refused to talk to her father for nearly a year over something so stupid neither of them could remember it afterwards. The longer you leave a fight the more entrenched you become.
f) Be open to meeting half way. You win some, you lose some. However - do this too often and neither of you will win, instead it will foster resentment.
g) Establish how to talk honestly, without making a dig at the other person.

Best of luck OP. Hope it gets better one way or another
However to be honest - he sounds like alot of hard work OP - added to that he is still making comments that are designed to chip at your self confidence - one word - nasty...
Question for you: What is the difference from being called names to being told that you are passonless? I mean - if he really thinks that why is he staying?

Cause he thinks you won't leave and no-one else will put up with his childish tantrums and name calling.

Tiger123

Taltos wrote: »

So - he is still knocking you down then. Do you deserve to be called names or made to feel like there is something wrong with you?

As to your question though:
Anyway - in answer to your question - not all couples shout like cats and dogs. Some do though. Some also shout sometimes and don't other times. It all depends.

Here are some suggestions though:
a) Don't discuss high stress items when either of you are already stressed / overly tired / under the influence.
b) Agree on a safe word / phrase - to let the other person know you need a few minutes or a time out.
c) Both of you need to agree to always try to see it from the other persons perspective - walk a mile in my shoes and all that.
d) Try not to make it all about "you did this wrong" etc - instead try "I don't know if you realised but when you told me X, I felt really upset. Maybe we can approach it differently next time?" - don't blame but engage the other person looking for their input / advice or suggestions.
e) Don't let fights stretch on or indeed tolerate sulks for ages. A distant relation I know one refused to talk to her father for nearly a year over something so stupid neither of them could remember it afterwards. The longer you leave a fight the more entrenched you become.
f) Be open to meeting half way. You win some, you lose some. However - do this too often and neither of you will win, instead it will foster resentment.
g) Establish how to talk honestly, without making a dig at the other person.

Best of luck OP. Hope it gets better one way or another
However to be honest - he sounds like alot of hard work OP - added to that he is still making comments that are designed to chip at your self confidence - one word - nasty...
Question for you: What is the difference from being called names to being told that you are passonless? I mean - if he really thinks that why is he staying?

Cause he thinks you won't leave and no-one else will put up with his childish tantrums and name calling.

thanks for replying Taltos. that's great advice. was so close to breaking up with him on the phone there but didn't because i knew it was spur of the moment. i don't know why but after reading your post i feel a little more lenient. he is refusing to promise not to shout but maybe this is one time when i should accept it for being him. I will most definitely expect him to consider some of your suggestions like the buzz word because that is a big issue for us. when we fight he gets so angry and i refuse to talk and obviously this drives him even more mad and he gets even angrier so i get even more determined not to talk and when he keeps at me i just leave and go to my parents and then the fight turns into a weekend long thing. there are some things in your points that i could do with changing about myself. but if he would change the shouting he has to agree to us taking a time out.

thanks again for your help taltos. i really appreciate it.

Taltos

I wouldn't be going the lenient route.

Time for some clear talking and easy rules. #1 - no more disrespect...

Tiger123

he just rang again... i said 'i hate that you shout but i'm going to try and see it as you being angry and not that your shouting at me but i still refuse to talk to you when your shouting. so if your not going to change that, if we are fighting and i ask for 10minutes for us to calm down you have to give it to me.' and he said that's fine by me. after 3 years it was that simple. i feel like a weight has been lifted. all along it was the way our fights escalated that was the problem because otherwise we got on great. i've often asked for time out during a fight but he was so angry he couldn't give it to me but we never talked about it calmly and arranged it beforehand. Thanks :-)

IrishEyes19

I really think the idea of breaking up has to be put aside right now too, dont be afraid that you might break over it, but rather deal with the problem, because standing back and agreeing with what he says if you dont agree with him, will result in him technically believing he was right and that you started an argument over nothing. I think regardless of how this pans out break up wise, you need to stand your ground and lay it out to him, that you require this amount of respect and without it, the relationship wont work.

Tiger123

Taltos wrote: »

I wouldn't be going the lenient route.

Time for some clear talking and easy rules. #1 - no more disrespect...

i think if he stayed calm and we worked on that it would help because when he's not angry he's very loving. i know it's a contradiction but it's true. his dad is the same. i think i have it straight in my head now. he can vent and shout but he has to control what comes out of his mouth and can't get personal and as soon as he does that's it. i feel like after this i've done all i can to make this work.

Taltos

Tiger123 wrote: »

i think if he stayed calm and we worked on that it would help because when he's not angry he's very loving. i know it's a contradiction but it's true. his dad is the same. i think i have it straight in my head now. he can vent and shout but he has to control what comes out of his mouth and can't get personal and as soon as he does that's it. i feel like after this i've done all i can to make this work.

My bro in law went to counselling for his anger. It really helped him, it also saved his marriage to my sister. Now - it might not be appropriate here - but maybe it is a sign that if someone wants to change hard enough they can.
As per IrishEyes though - you need to make sure 100% that you never enable his bad behaviour in any way. You have agreed the initial ground rules here so follow through on it.

Best of luck OP - and remember only discuss things when you are both calm (or alot calmer than yelling). Reinforce as well how you care about each other - small things - little compliments. But don't for ONE second believe his put-downs - if they continue - in any form please consider carefully how you want your life to be.

Tiger123

Taltos wrote: »

My bro in law went to counselling for his anger. It really helped him, it also saved his marriage to my sister. Now - it might not be appropriate here - but maybe it is a sign that if someone wants to change hard enough they can.
As per IrishEyes though - you need to make sure 100% that you never enable his bad behaviour in any way. You have agreed the initial ground rules here so follow through on it.

Best of luck OP - and remember only discuss things when you are both calm (or alot calmer than yelling). Reinforce as well how you care about each other - small things - little compliments. But don't for ONE second believe his put-downs - if they continue - in any form please consider carefully how you want your life to be.

don't worry. he will only ever put me down on more time and it will be the last. i don't think it will come to that though. i know that even though i have high confidence now and don't believe his put downs that if i listen to them for long enough i might start believing them and that's something i won't risk. so i mean it when i say enough is enough. More importantly he knows i mean it too. i'm feeling a lot more up beat and will remember everyones advice
xxx

I am a friend

Tiger123 wrote: »

i didn't look at it that way. god i'm confused all over again. i just don't know what i want. i don't know if i still have a problem with him or if i'm fine now that he promised not to call me names. aaaahhhhh!!!!! too confused

Repect within a relationship is a basic and should not need to be asked for! Woopy do - he promised not to call you names any more - he should not have been doing it in the first place. It shows a complete lack of maturity plus lack of basic manners on his part. He is a bully, pure and simple and you deserve better.

Fox McCloud

OP does he lose his temper with everyone he has disagreements with or is it just you?

I mean, if his boss pissed him off would he go off on one at him/her because its simply the way his mind deals with anger? What i'm getting at here is that we're socialised through experience. He knows that shouting at some people is tollerated and shouting at others will cost him something(his job, his apartment, his table at a restaurant...)

If he can control himself around everyone else but you then you know for sure he shouts at you because he can. He'd never lost you by screaming abuse at you, so why would he lose you by shouting in a fight. To be honest shouting in a fight, while an automatic reaction in children, is not an atractive trait in an adult. It is extremely unplesant for those who have to listen or worse be the focus of the shouting. Its very purpose is to drown out your voice and only let his be heard. He's fighting very hard for the right to shout at you, nearly to the point of breaking up if he can resolve your issues by him shouting.

So you give him another chance and he might totally stop with the overt abuse. But this is a person who WANTS to call you names. He wants YOU to feel bad. So ok you threaten him with breaking up, he stops because of the threat of you leaving him. Not because someone your supposed to love and make happy wants you to stop making them unhappy. But because he has something to lose.