Dirty Stories From nightclubs

prinz · 21-02-2011 4:37pm

MajorMax wrote: »

As a young man I was often told to drink a pint of milk to "line your stomach" before going out drinking, which I duly did....I also saw a good friend of mine drop a tab of acid on a nightclub floor awash in a half inch of piss, pick it up and put tit in his mouth. Just say no, kiddies

Looks like your friend got the same advice as you did.

MIRMIR82 · 21-02-2011 4:48pm

MCMLXXV wrote: »

'In my day' if ya 'claimed' someone ya wanted to beat them senseless! If this lads mates were going around Cardiff battering the head off wimmins maybe he deserved a black cock up his ring!

Im with you MCMLXXV - i never heard the word 'claimed'

in regard to 'pulling', 'gettin the shift/r!de' etc!!

xsiborg · 21-02-2011 4:50pm

Bobjims wrote: »

Was in certain clontarf niteclub a few years back when I saw this guy walking across the dancefloor with his hand over his mouth.

Turns out he was rushing to the toilets. Unfortunately he didnt make it and started vomiting with his hand still over his mouth. This made his vomit shoot all over the dancefloor like a sprinkler covering quite a few victims. Ive never seen so many people react with disgust all at once.

Thankfully I was well clear of his vomit spray. :cool:

i had to laugh at this because i did the very same thing a couple of years back. i wasnt drunk, it was just that a girl came over chatting to me and we were chatting away when i felt a tap on my shoulder, she introduced herself as the other girl's friend, but this fact went in one ear and out the other as all i could think was "jeeeeesus!", the girl was quite literally sickeningly thin!

i didnt even make my excuses, i just made a bolt for the toilets that were located at the far end of the club. quickest way through was a straight line i thought right through the dance floor as it wasnt that packed... bad move!

i attempted to cover my mouth to keep it down, my eyes bulging (if only i'd thought to keep my head down!) but, i made it as far as the toilet entrance where there was a massive heave, i sprayed through my fingers all over the cubicle attendant, and the two bouncers as they were leading another patron from the toilets.

i still managed to dive around them (blind as a bat at this stage!) and managed to finish with some empty lurching in a urinal. i was weak as a kitten at this stage as i was leaaning over the handbasin washing my face when i felt another tap on my shoulder, "oh jesus no!" i thought, turned around and it was a bouncer pointing his thumb over his shoulder, "come on" he motioned.

i tried to explain that i wasnt actually drunk as i walked out in front of him, but in fairness he seemed quite good natured about it and just told me i had to leave, even allowing me to collect my coat!

phew, tl;dr version- same thing happened to me!

Funfair · 21-02-2011 4:58pm

MCMLXXV wrote: »

'In my day' if ya 'claimed' someone ya wanted to beat them senseless! If this lads mates were going around Cardiff battering the head off wimmins maybe he deserved a black cock up his ring!

well I'd beat a guy senseless too if he went around telling people he claimed me last night

A few of ye dubs need to get out more if ye think ye invented the book of slang words.. Every County in Ireland have em

Funfair · 21-02-2011 5:12pm

MIRMIR82 wrote: »

"gettin the shift"

Barn dance talk

RMD · 21-02-2011 5:28pm

We were out 1 night in town a for class party and there was this tight **** in the class who was getting drunk people to buy him drinks / robbing drinks when people weren't looking. After me and a mate lost a guiness each to him I bought another guiness and we struck up a plan. One of the lads in our class had brought laxatives with him to play a joke on somebody and another lad had some sleeping tablets or something like that with him so we put 2 laxatives and 1 sleeping tablet in the guiness, left it and went for a dance.

Came back 5 minutes later to find it gone, sit down and start talking to your man who was robbing pints and after about 15 minutes he starts looking a bit sleepy but then his face suddenly twists and he legs if off to the toilets. Go in to the jacks about 10 minutes later and there's a leg kind of hanging out from under one of the cubicle doors and a rank smell. The fúcker had completely **** himself with it going all over his clothes and the cubicle and in the meantime he's fallen asleep in the cubicle sitting in a puddle of his own **** and other's piss. Drink thiefs get what they deserve.

Crackle · 21-02-2011 5:52pm

After reading those 15 pages, I might never go out again.

Junco Partner · 21-02-2011 5:53pm

night in thurles did not live up to the
horror stories thank god

zynaps · 21-02-2011 6:00pm

MCMLXXV wrote: »

^^^^Claimed?

Are we talking about lottery tickets?

brightkane · 21-02-2011 6:06pm

Powerhouse Mohill.

Girl/guy Riding under a pile of jackets, serves people right for not spending the 50p to put them in.

Mate picked up a girl during the slow set. Was dancing with her, then had to get sick, did it behind her back into the sleeve of his leather jacket and then proceeded to lob the gob.

mate with a burd outback shifting and dry humping, he didnt realise til after he must have been a bit rough as she was in her flowers and he had a nice red stain down the front of his new , faded levis.

Mate jumping through a skylight when the place was packed and the bouncers shut the doors only to land on a poor unfortunate shocked burd in the womens bog.

all i can remember for now.

Dan I Am · 21-02-2011 9:33pm

Svetti Arss wrote: »

I was only 3 days in London in the late 80’s and was invited to see some “Exotic Dancers" one fine Sunday morning. Even though I had a hangover I went along to the function room in a pub. My mate had seen them before but I had no idea what to expect. Back then even tame topless mags where uncommon in Ireland and Virgin Megastore had just been prosecuted for selling condoms to the public. Anyway this stripper who wasn’t really good at dancing at all decided that out of the roughly 100 mostly bikers in the room that I was to be part of the act. She kept staring at me maybe sensing the fear and the more cigarettes I lit the more interested she became. She then stood in front of me and pulled the table out of the way, put out the fag and lubed herself in baby cream before sitting on my face and gyrating for a good few minutes. The crowd went mental as did the landlord who started screaming about losing his license etc. I was in shock but on the + side I didn’t suffocate and a load of the bikers bought me pints afterwards.

This post brought back disturbing memories:eek:. The Forresters arms in Tooting Broadway? Hang out of the London Road-Rats MCC, and digs for Irish builders and labourers who lived in the pub. When I was there the Sunday strippers looked like middle-aged Mums doing an amateur and very uncomfortable routine for the few coins they could collect in a bucket from the silent gawping audience. Maybe I caught it on a bad day:rolleyes:

FlutterinBantam · 21-02-2011 9:37pm

Dan I Am wrote: »

This post brought back disturbing memories:eek:. The Forresters arms in Tooting Broadway? Hang out of the London Road-Rats MCC, and digs for Irish builders and labourers who lived in the pub. When I was there the Sunday strippers looked like middle-aged Mums doing an amateur and very uncomfortable routine for the few coins they could collect in a bucket from the silent gawping audience. Maybe I caught it on a bad day:rolleyes:

:eek:In a bucket!!

Victor · 22-02-2011 1:59am

I found a picture of one of the urinal lickers.

http://www.funnyforumpics.com/forums/Demotivational/3/demotivational-posters-rock-bottom.jpg

Barna77 · 22-02-2011 10:59pm

Crackle wrote: »

After reading those 15 pages, I might never go out again.

With the mid term break on, you don't need a night out to witness all this horror. Just walk around town.... :eek:

D'Agger · 22-02-2011 11:08pm

Barna77 wrote: »

With the mid term break on

Giggidy :pac:

Funfair · 25-02-2011 5:12pm

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

hacx · 02-06-2011 12:09am

ressurecting this thread after a recent incident at a rural nightclub.
Essentialy a bunch of about 12 fellas, from 17 upwards spontaneously started shifting eachother. Not only that, but they made it into a club. "Da Shifters Crew". It's on facebook. I sit next to the "CEO" in History. He's very open about the whle thing. The whole thing has turned half of the village of Lixnaw into bisexual farmers.

YFlyer · 02-06-2011 12:25am

jester77 wrote: »

I remember the night club over the old Savoy cinema in Limerick, the carpet was like velcro, dirty place that was!

Termights. I got a few BJs there in my time

randylonghorn · 02-06-2011 12:29am

hacx wrote: »

ressurecting this thread after a recent incident at a rural nightclub.
Essentialy a bunch of about 12 fellas, from 17 upwards spontaneously started shifting eachother. Not only that, but they made it into a club. "Da Shifters Crew". It's on facebook. I sit next to the "CEO" in History. He's very open about the whle thing. The whole thing has turned half of the village of Lixnaw into bisexual farmers.

Sounds like a bunch of young lads taking the pish tbh.

YFlyer · 02-06-2011 12:30am

BickNarry wrote: »

Was working there in my last job and this old fella- early fifties, gut hanging over his belt, badly dyed hair, expensive suit, dandruff, greasy bulldog face up on him- comes in. Somehow he has a stunner hanging off his arm. Mid thirties, thick as ****, total ride.

Sticks out his chest and tries to show off;
"Do ye take sterling?''
"No, sorry we don't"

Takes out a stack of fifty euro notes (had no reason to ask bout sterling so) and orders two half pints. After a few minutes I notice they've drifted off without their drinks. Go out to have a cig, they're not there.

Yeah, went up to the womens jacks.Could hear the manky old fecker moaning away from outside.Poked my head in, her down on her knees in the cubicle, then they start rattling away before I know it.

Banged on the door. They ignored me. Second time and third time too. Then they ignored me telling them to fix themselves up and leave. Him sounding like a Tommy Tiernan doing the distressed goat voice.

They eventually come downstairs,both grinning away. Wondering why they were so happy even though I took their drinks and told em leave-

"Hiya Mick, let me get ya some drinks there" says the boss walking in.

It was me,them and there dirty hands and mouths in an awkward silence for the rest of the night.

I threw out their glasses. Creeps.

Spoilsport

YFlyer · 02-06-2011 1:06am

Ledger wrote: »

Yea real classy people used to grace Ruby's on a wednesday night.

Saw some young one givin a fella a hand job in the middle of the packed dancefloor one night there too.

This wasn't long before it was sold and closed.

That happened to me around 1992 in Waterford. It could have been Club LA or Preacher, not sure tho since I'm not from Waterford. This one from Ballybeg was given me a handjob on the dancefloor. Everybody, including the bouncers, were bursting their sides laughing.

Karona · 02-06-2011 4:04am

A girl i used to know was with her boyfriend one night in a club and she had just found out he was cheating but she didnt let him know that she knew. So he drops the hand but little does he know that it was her time of the month. Think he came away red faced and also red handed.

Perfect payback in my opinion.

fred funk }{ · 02-06-2011 6:08am

Karona wrote: »

A girl i used to know was with her boyfriend one night in a club and she had just found out he was cheating but she didnt let him know that she knew. So he drops the hand but little does he know that it was her time of the month. Think he came away red faced and also red handed.

Perfect payback in my opinion.

Classy women she is.

frag420 · 02-06-2011 10:20am

YFlyer wrote: »

Termights. I got a few BJs there in my time

Sweet Zombie Jesus I thought I had erased all memory of that place.........................

ronan45 · 02-06-2011 10:27am

Years ago used to collect glasses in a nightclub in town, noticed this guy lookin all dodgy tryin to place a pint glass down quietly in the corner near the dance floor. Naturally i intervened and signalled to him to give it to me. (to avoid the glass getting kicked over and smashed on the dance floor)
Hands it to me i notice its heavier than an empty pint. He legs it. It looked to me like there was rubbish in it or tissues of some sort and luke warm.
Was only after i got it to the bar i was able to make out it was a half pint of semi- hard diarhoea. Nice One ! (HURLS)

ciarak7511 · 02-06-2011 10:32am

I was waiting in the que for a toilet and it wasnt long until we realised that there were people having sex int eh middle cubicle. this was annoying espcially as there were only three toilets and i was dyeing for a pee! so basically we had the idea to throw soapy water all over them so we threw the soap dispenser full of water into the cubicle. they threw it back into the bathroom and it got everywhere. next thing this huge 7ft bouncer comes in breaks down the door and grabs this little pipskueak by the collar and turfs him outta the place!

citizen_p · 02-06-2011 10:39am

Duggy747 wrote: »

On one night out I went for a piss at the urinals when next thing this ferocious smell hit me, I mean, it was horrific. It was like all the oxygen was sucked out of the club, replacing it with this rancid odour you'd probably associate with a dead body found in the trunk of a car on a hot summer's day!

Anywho, I finish up strangling the worm and turn around to the bouncer who's pissing himself laughing at a cubicle. I asked him what he was laughing at, he kicks open the door and the next thing I saw put me straight off my drink.

Good...........grief...............the previous user of the cubicle must've been flipping and spinning all over the place, shooting bodily fluids from every hole in his body. It was a sight to behold!! There was nothing but shìt and vomit running down the walls, big brown handprints smeared everywhere, the toilet bowl on the outside covered in vomit, the inside of the bowl overflowing with stained toilet paper.............sitting there like snow on a mountain peak. To top it off, on the ground there was a pair of boxers covered in a thick layer of brown goo and a puddle of, presumably, piss.

Rancid fùcker!! The black guy I knew in the toilets who does the fragrances and all that was told to clean it up but when he saw it he roared out:....