Mum in law wants to sell house

tiredmum

I hope someone will be able to give me some advise on this. Thanks in advance.
My mum-in-law had lung cancer last year and was gravely ill. Thankfully she is in remission now. While she was very ill and being taken care of in a respite centre, we (my husband and I) were advised to take her home and take care of her ourselves. We were living in a council house for 4 years and we had to make a very hard decision to give up our home, but we did it and moved into my mum-in-law's house a few months ago. The house was a total dump and we have been putting every cent we have into making it livable for both her and ourselves. We have 2 young children. We discussed the move with her when she was recovered from the chemo and she agreed that we could move into her house. She is now in remission and flying around, which is absolutely wonderful. The problem now is that she has decided that she wants to buy a smaller house closer to town so that she does not have to walk too much. We take her everywhere she wants to go, so to me this is not the reason. We gave up our home to take care of her. She does not seem to care about that, or the fact that we can't apply for a house again for 18 months. What are we supposed to do now? We can't afford to rent private accomodation nor do we qualify for rent allowance. I am at a loss right now. Where are we supposed to go? We can't go back to the old house. Can someone please help me?

the_syco

Who advised you to move into the house?

michael999999

could you not go back to the council and explain the situation?

biscuiteater

that's very sad, the old 'no good deed goes unpunished'

it takes a long time to sell a house and with the market the way it is it may give you some time

couldn't you put your name down for a council house and say your mother in law is throwing you out, which it seems like she is, that might speed up your application

it's sad that you put so much effort in for her around the house and now she doesn't want it, it might be she's afraid of becoming dependent on you and now that she has a second chance at life she wants to grasp it

i hope it works out for all of you, it must be very stressful

bath handle

She can't sell the house with you living in it. She would have to give vacant possession to a purchaser. Until she physically locks you out you don't have to worry.

doubleglaze

tiredmum wrote: »

We gave up our home to take care of her.

That was a grave error of judgement on your part.

Start talking to your local council/councillors and see what they can do for you. Also, speak to your local community welfare officer and explain the situation.

ztoical

bath handle wrote: »

She can't sell the house with you living in it. She would have to give vacant possession to a purchaser. Until she physically locks you out you don't have to worry.

The OP needs to give more information before anyone can make that claim. Is the OP paying rent to the mother in law? Was there any written agreement between them? It could be viewed as a rent a room situation as the Mother Law is the property owner and living there and as such the OP and her family have very few rights.

Kosseegan

Whatever rights they have will the mother in law change the locks when they are not there and refuse to let them in when she gets back?

tiredmum

Thank you for your responses. The Matron at the respite centre and the doctor that she attends, together with her eldest son all agreed that we should take care of her. Her older son cannot take care of her as he already is taking care of his handicapped son and his wife's mum who is terminally ill. Sad life this is, i know.. It was not a rush-rush decision, but one that had to be made on the basis of mum-in-law's physical deterioration and the fact that the respite center was not able to take care of her any longer.. She refused to go to a nursing home, which would definitely have either killed her or me. I know it seems stupid for us to have done this, but at the time the situation was really bad. Nobody expected her to recover, but miracles happen everyday, and thankfully she was healed of the cancer. I am just so sad for my husband. At the end of the day the house will never be his. Long sad story, but we are not bothered by the ins and outs of her will. WE are only trying to help her get her dilapidated house into a home worthy of being called a home. She does not charge us rent. That is why we are cleaning up the place. It is costing us more than what we would normally pay for rent, but money is not always everything. I know, I sound like some silly, ignorant git..but that's just me...lol..I just hope that the house will not be sold until we get a place..God knows where we are going to go with the kids. I have emailed the council..the ignorance of these people will make u want to jump off a cliff. Their policy is that they can't help us until we are eligible for rehousing, which is about 18 months. The social welfare can't help either as we are not paying rent. What is wrong with these people? or is there something wrong with me..WE are not charity cases. We are just in need of help..its amazing how backs turn when people who don't normally ask for anything from the SW as for it..I just pray that she does not change the locks while we are out...

Lantus

tiredmum wrote: »

Thank you for your responses. The Matron at the respite centre and the doctor that she attends, together with her eldest son all agreed that we should take care of her. ...

Probably a long shot but are these people even qualified to make these kinds of decisions and give advice like this? How was it given? verbally or in writing? Could you seek legal advice for proffesional malpractice in advising you to leave your family home. A long shot because they would just say it was ultimatley up to you.

It's a bad situation and one I have seen before where friends and family make serious decisions based on trust and expectations and a short while down the line you find yourselves in a different world and not one bit of paper with your name on it.

I'd fight tooth and nail with the council to get re-homed. Say that the house is unfit to live in and take pictures. Health and safety of the children etc....if it's viable...complain of chest infections, coughs, allergies. anything.

your local TD who will no doubt be so grateful for his new job may help if you get his support.

tiredmum

The funny part of all this, is that my mum in law has been to see the local councillor with regard to getting in a disabled toilet. So there is no hope of me going to see him..he will fight her case..We took pictures of the house before we started cleaning it up, and have done so much to it that it cannot be deemed unfit to live in. We even have a bottom toilet put in under the stairs as mum can't get up the stairs due to having a bad ankle and having only one lung. I have never been thru something so unimaginably painful that right now i don't even want to fight with anyone about it. I can't speak to my brother-in-law as I don't want to cause friction between the family. I give up. The law would be on her side all the way. Its her house and she can do what she likes. She is now recovered and does not need anyone anymore. Sad when people get second chances in life and forget the people who was there for them when no-one else was. I know that somehow there will be a solution. Right now..I am just praying for a miracle. Thanks for your reply.

Munstermad

God am so sorry, I know you don't want to cause friction with the inlaws but you'll end up in early grave if you don't have it out.. What about getting all family to sit down and explain your dilemma.. Could ye buy her home at a reduced rate... councils used to have some kind of grant to aid tennants who surrendor their houses in purchasing.. I wish u all the best...my advice would be don't bottle it all up, thigs need to be discussed.. Hope all goes ok.

tiredmum

Trying to get the family together to talk is like getting your tooth extracted with a chainsaw. Everybody wants to keep her happy and free of stress, just as much as I do. I am an outsider, and that makes the situation very difficult. I have no rights in this situation. The rules of life is that your honor your parents/in laws. You do not go against them. My mum died a few years and I was privileged to take care of her to her last day on earth. Make no mistake. I love my mum in law. She is not the easiest person to reason with, so instead of causing stress, I stay quiet and just pray for each day as it comes. I honor her as my mum and can't lose her. I know she is being selfish in her manner, but that is her privilege. She can make decisions without consulting anyone because she is not mentally incapacitated. She is only 65. Very strong-willed and even my husband can't reason with her. My daughter and mum-in-law both were very ill at the same time last year. I had 2 gravely ill people to take care of in my own (former) home with no family support, other than my dear heart. We are too soft. No backbone. Just people trying to give love and support without asking for anything in return. Shoot me please...lol..I will try to talk to my brother in law, but can't see anything good coming out of this. The men in this family seem to find it very difficult to communicate. Their mum ruled the roost. Anyway, thanks for your kindness and support in all this. I will see how things go with family and if things get bad..well..lets pray it doesn't..i could go live in a caravan..sorry I am just trying to see some positive side to all this. I have 2 very young children to take care of. I can't allow myself to get depressed. My life is worth living for them. A house is just a building and its not mine to fight over. I haven't given up, just given over.

LifesgoodwithLG

Hi there Tired Mum,

Hope that you are okay,

Something about your story rings less than true with me, you have no interest in getting the house through a will etc however you gave up your house to look after her, I am delighted that your Mother in Law is in remission, however what would have happened if she had passed away? Normally in this incidence the house would have been sold and the money divided among the family, that would have still left you without a home.
When my own mother recovered from a serious illness she got a new lease of life, potentially that has also happened to your mother in law, she wants to move closer to town and also regain her indepence.

I have sympathy with you however I feel that you and your husband were very ill advised to give up your own accomadation without securing a firm commitment that you would be permanently accomadated. You seem to be investing the money into renovating the house as a long term benefit to yourselves.

Ideally what would you like to happen, what would the best outcome of this situation be ? ps I respect the fact that you have cared for your Mother in Law.

LifesgoodwithLG

I just pray that she does not change the locks while we are out...[/QUOTE]

Okay time for the real story here, whats happening that your Mother in Law would go from being grateful to your assistance to you being concerned about the danger of the locks being changed, me thinks that we are only been told half a story

the_syco

LifesgoodwithLG wrote: »

tiredmum wrote: »

I just pray that she does not change the locks while we are out...

Okay time for the real story here, whats happening that your Mother in Law would go from being grateful to your assistance to you being concerned about the danger of the locks being changed, me thinks that we are only been told half a story

Did you read the previous post by Kosseegan?

Kosseegan wrote: »

Whatever rights they have will the mother in law change the locks when they are not there and refuse to let them in when she gets back?

s3129

How can she just ignore the changes ye made for her when she was ill and kick her son and his family out onto the streets?

mikemac

You surrendered your council house and moved in with her.
And spent a lot of money in improving her house.

If she had died, generally her will would either give the house to someone or just as likely sell the house and split the money.

So were you expecting to stay there or did you plan to move on somewhere else? It's admirable you invested time and money in improving the house but did you think you can maybe stay on in the house if she died?

Giving up the council house was a serious decision and you didn't rush it.
All you can do is go back to the council and explain the story.

3DataModem

feelingstressed wrote: »

.
All you can do is go back to the council and explain the story.

Exactly.

You've asked for advice, and have got some good advice above.

But I have to ask... what did you hope to read here? That you had an "entitlement" to the house due to the renovations? You renovated a house of a woman you say was expected not to survive... this is very strange. I suspect that her other children have stepped in and realised you were possobly laying a claim to their mother's house.

ztoical

tiredmum wrote: »

I have emailed the council..the ignorance of these people will make u want to jump off a cliff. Their policy is that they can't help us until we are eligible for rehousing, which is about 18 months. The social welfare can't help either as we are not paying rent. What is wrong with these people? or is there something wrong with me..WE are not charity cases. We are just in need of help..its amazing how backs turn when people who don't normally ask for anything from the SW as for it..I just pray that she does not change the locks while we are out...

I'm going to be heartless here OP but really? Your giving out about the SW turning their backs? You got a house from the council and you gave it up. They do have a policy in place that you were aware of and frankly you should have had something put in writing with both the mother in law and brother in law before moving...what would you have done had your mother in law passed away and the brother wanted his share of the house???

Emailing the council is no good, you need to get down in person and speak to someone about your case. Ask is there any option for being placed back on the housing list for compasionate reasons....ie if you bring in signed statment from the doctors about how ill the mother in law was. Saying you've put money into the house is neither here nor there. Yes it sucks when family does this but I've seen worse family feuds blow up over smaller things [had a friend sleep on my couch for several months after a fall out with his brothers over his late mothers house which he was living in when she passed away]

You need to speak to the family, you might not feel comfortable doing it but which would you rather - some family discomfort or being out on the streets? You have no legal claim to the property and your mother in law can kick you out....sucks I know but that's were you sit legally at this time. You need to start being proactive and speak with the council and family.

tiredmum

There is no 2 sides to this story im afraid. We have no claim on the house and at the time of my mum in laws illness, nobody was prepared to take the responsibility of taking care of her. Her elder son was very much in favor of us going to live with his mother as he himself is in a situation where he has a disabled child and a very ill mom in law living with him. The house would eventually go to the eldest, and as far as he was concerned, we could live there until we found a place of our own. There was never going to be an issue with the ownership of the house. We always knew that we would have to leave eventually, so wanting something out of the house is a no go. What we did not expect was for my mum in law to suddenly decide she no longer wanted to live there..the house is hers, and yes, we have no legal rights to anything. We do not want anything, other than take care of her and in time get a home of our own. We are not grabbers. We are trying to live our lives in peace, not fight over worldly goods.Fixing the house was for the benefit of not only my mum, but also for us as a family. The house was not livable for the woman. She cannot climb stairs and she cannot have dust or dirt due to her lung cancer and operation. Our 2 year old also had a bowel operation at the same time, so we had no option but to clean up. We are just in a catch 22 situation where we have nowhere to go and will have to try and sort this situation out with the brother and mom. We are going to contact the council and ask for help. It just a matter of when they are available to speak to us and what the outcome of our talk with them will be. I thank everyone for the advise and concern for us as a family. I believe in miracles.

ztoical

tiredmum wrote: »

There is no 2 sides to this story im afraid. We have no claim on the house and at the time of my mum in laws illness, nobody was prepared to take the responsibility of taking care of her. Her elder son was very much in favor of us going to live with his mother as he himself is in a situation where he has a disabled child and a very ill mom in law living with him. The house would eventually go to the eldest, and as far as he was concerned, we could live there until we found a place of our own.

I'm really confused - you had a place of your own which you gave up to go care for your mother in law who wasn't expected to live. When she passed away the brother in law would get the house and you would go where exactly? Are you not now in the same place anyway? Mum dies brother gets house, mum gets better wants to sell house both options invole you out on the street surely? Where you saving to buy a house when renting your council house...was that your long term plan? You say the cost of the work you did was more then you would have paid in rent so why not ask your mother in law/brother in law to pay you back part or all of that money from the sale of the house if she is downgrading? That would give you the cash to rent for the short term while you sort something with the council.

tiredmum

Im sorry if i am causing confusion here. We had to clean up the place to make it livable for everyone. The house was in a very bad state due to her not taking care of it on her own. She lived with us after she had her operation and was very happy with us. She then got very ill with the chemo and was not expected to recover fully. I did not say the woman was dying, just gravely ill. If she dies tomorrow, god forbid, we will have to find another place, but not immediately. The brother in law will not throw us out. He knows what we gave up and the money we put in the house. There is no hidden agender here. Please stop making me feel even worse about the situation. We are going to find help somewhere and my brother in law hopefully will speak to his mum. I trust I did not offend anyone. I am just so tired of all this and want it to end.

ztoical

tiredmum wrote: »

Im sorry if i am causing confusion here. We had to clean up the place to make it livable for everyone. The house was in a very bad state due to her not taking care of it on her own. She lived with us after she had her operation and was very happy with us. She then got very ill with the chemo and was not expected to recover fully. I did not say the woman was dying, just gravely ill. If she dies tomorrow, god forbid, we will have to find another place, but not immediately. The brother in law will not throw us out. He knows what we gave up and the money we put in the house. There is no hidden agender here. Please stop making me feel even worse about the situation. We are going to find help somewhere and my brother in law hopefully will speak to his mum. I trust I did not offend anyone. I am just so tired of all this and want it to end.

OP I am not trying to make you feel worse but the fact is you've been a bit of doormate here and you need to start being proactive about what is best for your family. If you've done work on the place that will mean it will be easier to sell thus it is not so far fetched to ask your mother in law for some or all of the money that you invested in the place back from the sale. This would give you cash to rent in the short term while you sort a long term option. Meanwhile get down to the council in person and sort getting back on the housing list.

tiredmum

I do seem to be sitting back, but I am not. I am trying to find a solution to this awful situation. My husband is going to speak to his mum and brother about giving us back something for the work, but I doubt that she will. She is very 'tight' with money. I am not badmouthing her. She is just a person who don't believe in spending any money, and I cannot interfere. I am just the daughter in law. I have no rights. Anyway, we have a meeting with the council on Monday, and hopefully we will get some good news out of all of this. If things were different and she had no home, I would take her in without a second thought. Its just sad that I look at her everyday and she chats away about the past as if there is nothing going on. My two kids are mad about their nanny and I would do anything to stop them from getting hurt. Thank u for your response and I trust that I will have an answer soon.

BostonB

I don't understand why the MIL would kick out her son and grandchild.

tiredmum

I don't understand it either, but we can't judge what the woman is thinking.She is not a bad person, but I can understand that she may want to be independent again. Maybe that is the main reason for what is happening here. I guess there is too much of us in the house and she misses her peace and quiet. I always had a good relationship with her, so to me, this is like a bomb went off. I don't know if the chemo affected her mindset, but I am not a doctor so I cannot say that it did. We are just as confused by all this and hope that she will see sense soon. I can empathize with her. She was an independent woman who did everything for herself, and now she has to depend on others. Its not easy for any of us, but we have to take the good with the bad. Am just waiting for the council meeting. Crossing all fingers and toes and everything else that can be crossed.

tiredmum

I don't understand it either, but we can't judge what the woman is thinking.She is not a bad person, but I can understand that she may want to be independent again. Maybe that is the main reason for what is happening here. I guess there is too much of us in the house and she misses her peace and quiet. I always had a good relationship with her, so to me, this is like a bomb went off. I don't know if the chemo affected her mindset, but I am not a doctor so I cannot say that it did. We are just as confused by all this and hope that she will see sense soon. I can empathize with her. She was an independent woman who did everything for herself, and now she has to depend on others. Its not easy for any of us, but we have to take the good with the bad. Am just waiting for the council meeting. Crossing all fingers and toes and everything else that can be crossed.