All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

Layinghen

Ah you wouldn't do that to us........would you???????

Younger inmates in the nursing home......shure they would finish you off altogether :D:D

OldGoat

Layinghen wrote: »

shure they would finish you off altogether :D:D

One can only hope. :cool:

Jellybaby1

Rubecula wrote: »

.......EDIT: Just had a terrible vision. What if Jelly and Hen go as well? It will turn into a bloomer throwing frenzy.

Well, I'm very fond of d'ould country music myself (I likes Dolly P.)but I wouldn't go so far as to actually PAY to hear it. I remember Garth being a pretty gorgeous looking fella but its been a long time since I last saw a picture of him so off I goes to Google images and found him in his present form. I'm sure he's just as good vocally and musically but time has caught up with him and Garth now has a bit more girth for me, in fact, I have a bit more girth for me these days too!! So I doubt if I'd make an attractive groupie unlike the other two whom I have sent as my representatives!

Rubecula

So the doctor decided I needed a sort of physio called Exercise (Exercise Referal Scheme) as I can't walk far.

First question was where would I like to be in a week's time?
Answer: Able to walk over 100 yards without aid.
"Great"

Tappity tap into the computer.

Second question: Where do you want to be in a month?
I was a bit unsure how to answer this. However answer two: "Able to walk about a mile perhaps?
"Great" Tappity tap tap into the computer.

Third question: Where would you like to be in a year's time?
Really stuck for an answer so I joked "Running the London Marathon."
"Great" Tappity tap tap into the computer.
"Wait I was only joking"
"It is in the computer now so you will have to follow the program"
"Bugga"

Then yesterday I had my first session and the person in charge had read what I had had entered into the computer before I turned up.

SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME! I know she was. She must have been kicked out of the Gestapo for cruelty. I walked a kilometer on the treadmill at high speed. Dizzy and ready to collapse she put me in a seat, I thought to rest. YE GAWDS what the heck is this contraption? "It is a hand cycle I will start you at level one." I got to level ten and I was ready to pass out and she said "Another five minutes" ARGH! Then another five minutes, then as she suggested another five, I had to slide off and I was on my way out of there.


BUT she said "Well done you passed all of your week's aims on your first visit, you will be running that marathon yet"

I have a year of this???????


I need a hug

Chucken

Poor Rubes

Exercise! *shudder*

...but it does sound like you're not as crocked as you thought you were

Layinghen

Matron, matron...........Rube is planning to escape, he has started to EXERCISE:eek::eek:

Rube bring that lady who was nasty to you in here. We will deal with her for you:cool:

Ramette

Oh Rube.... Did you not realise that all physios have sadistic tendencies? and when you use sarcastic wit they see that as a challenge? They will be training you for the iron man before you know it!!!

BBDBB

aren't you lot supposed to be singing with the choir to cover the sound of the tunnelling?

Jellybaby1

Aww Rube, (I don't know how to send a hug over the internet). You've just jolted my memory back to about five years ago when we decided to have a top to toe check up (for fun!! :eek:) What had possessed us that day I'll never know. I believe we must have met your sadistic physio in that clinic. I was on the treadmill running like a mad thing while hooked up to all these screens and things which were humming away beside me. That evil woman kept pressing buttons and making my path move ever faster.

"I think puff! pant! I'd phew! like to stop now!"
"Not at all Jelly, you're doing fine, keep going"
"No really, puff!, really! I have to stop "whew! NOW!
"Juuuusssssttt a liiiiiitle bit more now"
"God, no!, let me stop!"
"I need you to keep it up another two minutes now, you're doing great!"
"Thanks, but puff!, pant! whuh! whuh!"
"Exxxxxxxccccellllenttt Jelly, just a little more" (she said smiling even more evilly!)
Eventually she slowed the machine down and I got off and sat down and I swear I puffed and panted for another 10 minutes after that.

But she said I had done very well for my age!!! :mad:

I've hated physios ever since.

BrensBenz

Rubecula wrote: »

So the doctor decided I needed a sort of physio called Exercise (Exercise Referal Scheme) as I can't walk far.

First question was where would I like to be in a week's time?
Answer: Able to walk over 100 yards without aid.
"Great"

Tappity tap into the computer.

Second question: Where do you want to be in a month?
I was a bit unsure how to answer this. However answer two: "Able to walk about a mile perhaps?
"Great" Tappity tap tap into the computer.

Third question: Where would you like to be in a year's time?
Really stuck for an answer so I joked "Running the London Marathon."
"Great" Tappity tap tap into the computer.
"Wait I was only joking"
"It is in the computer now so you will have to follow the program"
"Bugga"

Then yesterday I had my first session and the person in charge had read what I had had entered into the computer before I turned up.

SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME! I know she was. She must have been kicked out of the Gestapo for cruelty. I walked a kilometer on the treadmill at high speed. Dizzy and ready to collapse she put me in a seat, I thought to rest. YE GAWDS what the heck is this contraption? "It is a hand cycle I will start you at level one." I got to level ten and I was ready to pass out and she said "Another five minutes" ARGH! Then another five minutes, then as she suggested another five, I had to slide off and I was on my way out of there.


BUT she said "Well done you passed all of your week's aims on your first visit, you will be running that marathon yet"

I have a year of this???????


I need a hug

Physiotherapist???? Physical terrorists, more like! Sounds like you got the same one I had after my surgery. Lots of mouthy smiles....but dead from the nose up. Usually travel in pairs; black, soulless, shark-like eyes; rehearsed patter; "transmit" button on and locked; "receive" button broken; other staff members hug the walls as they pass along the corridors.

The trick is to express pain BEFORE it actually hurts. Also, make a visible show of taking their names......for later!

Oh, I always watch the marathon. How will we recognise you?

Rubecula

Chucken wrote: »

Poor Rubes

Exercise! *shudder*

...but it does sound like you're not as crocked as you thought you were

Tell that to my poor destroyed little body Chuck. It was touch and go in work with the after effects. (IE trying to snore quietly)

Layinghen wrote: »

Matron, matron...........Rube is planning to escape, he has started to EXERCISE:eek::eek:

Rube bring that lady who was nasty to you in here. We will deal with her for you:cool:

She is going nowhere with me, she looks like she needs some serious physio herself <evil smirk>

Ramette wrote: »

Oh Rube.... Did you not realise that all physios have sadistic tendencies? and when you use sarcastic wit they see that as a challenge? They will be training you for the iron man before you know it!!!

Iron Man? I think you mean Iron Lung ....

BBDBB wrote: »

aren't you lot supposed to be singing with the choir to cover the sound of the tunnelling?

Any camouflage noises will help.

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Aww Rube, (I don't know how to send a hug over the internet). You've just jolted my memory back to about five years ago when we decided to have a top to toe check up (for fun!! :eek:) What had possessed us that day I'll never know. I believe we must have met your sadistic physio in that clinic. I was on the treadmill running like a mad thing while hooked up to all these screens and things which were humming away beside me. That evil woman kept pressing buttons and making my path move ever faster.

"I think puff! pant! I'd phew! like to stop now!"
"Not at all Jelly, you're doing fine, keep going"
"No really, puff!, really! I have to stop "whew! NOW!
"Juuuusssssttt a liiiiiitle bit more now"
"God, no!, let me stop!"
"I need you to keep it up another two minutes now, you're doing great!"
"Thanks, but puff!, pant! whuh! whuh!"
"Exxxxxxxccccellllenttt Jelly, just a little more" (she said smiling even more evilly!)
Eventually she slowed the machine down and I got off and sat down and I swear I puffed and panted for another 10 minutes after that.

But she said I had done very well for my age!!! :mad:

I've hated physios ever since.

Awww you met her too? ((hug))

BrensBenz wrote: »

Physiotherapist???? Physical terrorists, more like! Sounds like you got the same one I had after my surgery. Lots of mouthy smiles....but dead from the nose up. Usually travel in pairs; black, soulless, shark-like eyes; rehearsed patter; "transmit" button on and locked; "receive" button broken; other staff members hug the walls as they pass along the corridors.

The trick is to express pain BEFORE it actually hurts. Also, make a visible show of taking their names......for later!

Oh, I always watch the marathon. How will we recognise you?

Good planning eh? OK I will be the one being carried over the start line on a stretcher.

Layinghen

Another stormy night out there tonight. Don't think I can take this weather for too much longer. My poor little dog is getting very quick walks between gusts and can't understand why I suddenly turn for home screaming "run, run there's a twister coming"!!!!!!

Are you alright out there in your tent Looksee????

I'll throw another few logs on the fire here and you can come in for a while......

Ramette

I'm with you Hen... They are even giving anti depressants to penguins in an English zoo as they are not coping with all this rain! And why is look see out in a tent???

Layinghen

She seems to live in it sometimes or something like that :eek:

Photo of her in her abode a few pages back. I always thought she had one of the suites in here, what with her minding us and all that, but Old Goat must make her live in the garden in case any one raids the drinks cabinet and wants to drink al fresco !!!!

Ramette

Lordy she will caught her death! Push up there on the sofa... I have a battenburg... I've been hiding it from matron

Layinghen

Excellent, I have wine, don't ask where I found it:cool: Let's just say somebody should be careful where they hide the keys of the drinks cabinet

looksee

Yiz are all tent slagging again. Ye think I can't hear you, but I know whats going on. Jealous that's what you are. Dammit the wind's getting up again, better go and check my guys. Mutter, mutter.

Jellybaby1

Methinks its time for tea! TEA! I need TEA!

Layinghen

Kettle is always on Jellybaby. I'll make you a nice cup and I highly recommend the Battenburg.

Hope Looksee doesn't get blown away checking her tent. Think I better make her a hot whiskey to revive her when she comes in.

looksee

Thanks Layinghen, that's the best offer I have had all evening!

Ramette

Obviously a girls night in, the men must be out in the garden shed smoking their pipes..... Let's turn the key in the back door so they can't interrupt..... Anyone for trivial pursuit?

Layinghen

Trivial pursuit, alcohol and of course tea and cake seems like a plan.

I'll just go and get my dog she is very good on general knowledge questions......

Chucken

Evenin' ladies

Layinghen

Hi Chucken, would you like a glass of something?

Chucken

Ah I won't thanks. I'll stick to the tea.

Gawwwdddd I'm finding the days very long lately. I usually do all my cooking on Saturday but didn't today cos hubby isn't eating a whole lot. My son went to my daughters for dinner and the baby is off form.

Layinghen

I don't think the weather is helping either. Can't get out much as we are beside the sea and no way would you chance a walk near the water.

Hope the baba isn't coming down with something, it is terrible when smallies are off form. It's funny how when your routine is disrupted it throws you completely.

Chucken

The weathers not too bad here tbh. I'm just bored I think. Going shopping for paint tomorrow....:( Oh dear lord, it's getting worse :pac:

The baba is grand, he's getting his back teeth and trying to learn how to walk and say uh uh at the same time. He hasn't time to be sitting down to eat.He's very busy

Layinghen

Time to put everything out of reach so. Once he gets the hang of walking nothing will be safe

Chucken

He's very good in all fairness. For now anyway! Say no or ah ah to him once and it seems to work. That's why he's going around going "uh uh".


I think I'll hit the hay now so I'm up early to go for my paint :rolleyes:
*sigh*

Night night all

Layinghen

Night Chucken.

Time for me to turn in as well.

Night all.

Rubecula

OK lads the wimmin have gone you can safely come out to play drinking games with OG's stash of bottles.

Layinghen

Will you look at the state of this place.....:eek:

What's that moaning sound coming from behind the sofa, I'll just kick these bottles out of my way to go and have a look............


What are you lot of men doing there all huddled together???? Wake up and get to your rooms before Matron finds you. Yes,yes I know you lot can't move very quickly but don't come looking for sympathy here...go on and bring that mess with you...

What do you mean you think you had a bad burger? What, all of you??

Men :rolleyes:

OldGoat

Oh noooos! Is that my (empty) bottle of Taylor`s Vintage Port '77?

Layinghen

I fear it is Old Goat. They seem to have found a piece of mouldy Cheddar, thought it was Stilton and the rest is history.........

BrensBenz

Layinghen wrote: »

...mouldy Cheddar, Stilton.....

What's all this posh cheese? It's far from cheddar and stilton I was reared. Give me Calvita and a couple of hours to get the wrapping off. Nyom nyom.

And speaking of food: Fado fado, when we lived in caves and chased reallyscaryosauruses, why would anyone grab grains of wheat (ignoring all of the other plants), get stones and grind the grains into powder, mix in some water (or whatever! I'm no chef), heat it over that recently discovered stuff called fire and produce bread? What thought processes encouraged him / her to do all that? Why did it take thousands of years to progress from that bread to pizza?

Or how did they know that, if they heated rocks enough, metal would pour out?

Or how many trips did it take before they found Hawaii? Once found, then they had to sail home to tell their buddies what they found. And then find their way back to Hawaii again, with their ladies, in their grass.....things and their wobbly....things when they danced!

Or how did they know that if you cut the hair off that sheep, you could use it to make woolly vests?

We call these people "primitive" but what have YOU invented lately? For my part, I've invented a way to stop the car mat that I made (to protect the proper car mat) from moving around - bull dog clips.

OldGoat

I'm inventing a way to stop people breaking into my drinky cabinet. So far it consists of lots of wire and an electrical generator. It has potential.

Layinghen

Ok doggie grab your lead, we are off to the library to get a book on how to deal with electrics........

Somebody is trying to cut off Mummy's free supply of liquor, though after those men last night there isn't an awful lot left.

They must have been drinking pints of Creme de Menthe...........even that is gone:eek:

Jellybaby1

BrensBenz wrote: »

What's all this posh cheese? It's far from cheddar and stilton I was reared. Give me Calvita and a couple of hours to get the wrapping off. Nyom nyom.

And speaking of food: Fado fado, when we lived in caves and chased reallyscaryosauruses, why would anyone grab grains of wheat (ignoring all of the other plants), get stones and grind the grains into powder, mix in some water (or whatever! I'm no chef), heat it over that recently discovered stuff called fire and produce bread? What thought processes encouraged him / her to do all that? Why did it take thousands of years to progress from that bread to pizza?

Or how did they know that, if they heated rocks enough, metal would pour out?

Or how many trips did it take before they found Hawaii? Once found, then they had to sail home to tell their buddies what they found. And then find their way back to Hawaii again, with their ladies, in their grass.....things and their wobbly....things when they danced!

Or how did they know that if you cut the hair off that sheep, you could use it to make woolly vests?

We call these people "primitive" but what have YOU invented lately? For my part, I've invented a way to stop the car mat that I made (to protect the proper car mat) from moving around - bull dog clips.

Calvita! You were lucky! When we were young our Mam only had Cheese Strings on which our Dad played mellow tunes in a duet with Yehudi Menuhin!! - Jellybaby1

http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/jokes/monty-python-four-yorkshiremen.html

Regarding inventions:

"The first person ever to milk a cow. What was he trying to do?" - Billy Connolly.

Rubecula

OldGoat wrote: »

Oh noooos! Is that my (empty) bottle of Taylor`s Vintage Port '77?

Port? I thought it was cola and added it to the rum :eek:

Rubecula

OldGoat wrote: »

I'm inventing a way to stop people breaking into my drinky cabinet. So far it consists of lots of wire and an electrical generator. It has potential.

<snicker>

I am an electrical technician and I can .............ARGH OW quick turn it off

BBDBB

*puts on wellies and marigolds

Rubecula

BBDBB wrote: »

*puts on wellies and marigolds

Are you a vet then?

BBDBB

assume the position rube and try to relax

OldGoat

BBDBB wrote: »

*puts on wellies and marigolds

/Fetches the extra large bottle of body glitter
I've played this game before.
:cool:

Jellybaby1

Morals on this thread have sunk even lower than ever! :eek:

BrensBenz

Gawwwwd, they're mixing latex and alcohol again!

Just to let you know that Valentine's Day (Yank Style) is coming soon. No more mysterious cards, with disguised writing in red ink; SWALK; suspect poems and drawings. All males are now expected to buy chocolates and red roses for their female significant others. Failure to do so causes overload of the phone system as hoards of female-type people compete with each other, at great length and detail, about the failures of their robots I mean male partners.

Being a traditional old far...I mean person, I prefer the old-style anticipation while staring at the letter box; the mystery....."I wonder if"....."could it be".....

Admittedly, I've never been troubled by movie star looks, money, charm, charisma, wit, fashion sense, etc. but, since the effects of chemo wore off, the lighthouse look became the stubble look which is now becoming the old hippie look; I don't display my underpants in the street; I have no facial jewellery AND I have a shed. And if all that isn't enough, recent prolonged confinement to my leaba allowed me to become a maestro of the ukulele - in fact I could now be Tiny Tim's son. I'm also considering surgery so as to emulate his singing.

So, if that image causes wobbles in female knees, let's get back to the old, secret Valentines messages, but with a 21st century flavour. Don't bother with post - PM all of your anonymous Valentine sentiments to me at this address.

Jellybaby1

Just checked my knees.......hmmmmm, more knobble than wobble there I think!

Rubecula

If someone can pass me a mirror on a long stick, I can check my knees too.

As for Valentines day prezzies I will send out as many as I expect to receive, that of course as you may surmise is none at all.

In fact I can not remember the last time I did get any. But I am not worried as I know folks are really just a bit shy and that I am loved, adored and worshipped the world over.

I think ......

I hope .....


Err I am aren't I? Or have I been fooling myself over the past few years in my short life?

Jellybaby1

So who was this saint that we are to celebrate on February 14th then? Nobody knows, according to Wiki-thingy. We have damn all information on the guy. But he has a lot to answer for. All the ruddy shops are packed full of red stuff, roses, choccy boxes, hearts and God knows what else, even unmentionables! Heart-shaped this, heart-shaped that. And what about all those poor unfortunates who never get any cards or choccies, what does St. Val have to say about that! Nothing at all. Nothing but disappointments, year in, year out. St. Val has nothing to offer us! Sod 'im! :mad: I like not this saint. Bring me a another saint!

Rubecula

Is there a Saint Fluffy Bunny?