Advice wanted on Spending Time with Teens

noah45

I have 2 daughters 15 and 17. Get on well with them. Find them hard work. Love them.


My question is am I spending enough time with them?
How much time are ye spending and can you give me ideas?
I get them up and drop to school every day, collect every eveing (work in between) Home make dinner whuch we all have together, over in 10 mins.


They go to their rooms and do homework with frequent kitchen visits to search presses and fridge and tell us that there's nothin' to eat.
Drop and collect to activity if on during week. Then bed.


Then at weekends its lie in and generally taxi runs to town, friends, out etc. Sleepovers here and in the friends houses. Then they have taken to being on laptops or listening to music in their rooms.


Now my question is once upon a time we'd all be in the sitting room watching tv together whereas now they prefer to be in their rooms. Prefer to go to town, cinema and even library with friends. I know thats normal and understand they don't want to be with mammy. But I feel bad in that I don't seem to spens time with them esp at home.


I feel that I should be doing more with them?

It makes me feel that I'm not giving them quality time.

What do others do ?
Any suggestions ?

Kalimah

The "nothing too eat" bit rings true with me! We have exactly the same situation with our 18 and 17 year old. I think they are just establishing their independence and if you get on well together then all is fine.
We used to have Sunday dinner together but that's gone a long time. At Christmas and Easter we have a family dinner and that's nice.
In the last few years we've had a few family holidays but now the kids say they won't come with us unless we're going somewhere "good"!
I don't think you have much to worry about. Just be there for the kids.

January

Hi noah45,

Welcome to boards.ie, please note that we do not allow code abbreviations such as dd, etc. Please use daughter/son/etc instead.

January.

Irish_Elect_Eng

This may be a silly question but:

Have you talked with your daughters and told them that you would like to spend more "quality" time with them?

At 15 and 17 they should be old enough to discuss your relationship with them at a reasonably mature level. Try to explain the mutually benefits of maintaining a healthy relationship, that soon they will be off at college and that they will see you less and that you want your relationship to be strong enough to weather the transition when they move out and create lives of their own.

Try to remember that for a relationship to flourish the nature of the relationship sometimes has to change, maybe they don't need mammy as much, but they could do with adult mentors instead. Try to move your relationship a little away from little girl-mammy and more to student-teacher or young woman - older woman. Don't replay the script learned from your relationship with your own mother, re-invent a new relationship.

Teens have busy lives, schedule some quality time with them, so you don't have to compete with their friends, teams and school, some suggestions:

(1) A weekly lunch meeting in a trendy local cafe if they can leave school at lunch time.

(2) A monthly movie night for the whole family, let the girls chose, discuss the film with them afterwards, a good way to bring up uncomfortable topics, drink sex, bullying etc in a non-defensive sort of way..

(3) A monthly night out to a "grown up" restaurant for all the family, a great opportunity for talk outside of the normal home environment.

(4) Occasional surprise them with tickets to a match, gig, comedy, play etc, find out what they like and bring them, a common interest would be nice, especially if it is something that might carry through for years to come.

(5) Involve them in planning for the next family holiday, if you are brave, set a budget and as them to plan it taking into account all the families needs.

Just my 2c

Justask

noah45 wrote: »

I have 2 daughters 15 and 17. Get on well with them. Find them hard work. Love them.


My question is am I spending enough time with them?
How much time are ye spending and can you give me ideas?
I get them up and drop to school every day, collect every eveing (work in between) Home make dinner whuch we all have together, over in 10 mins.


They go to their rooms and do homework with frequent kitchen visits to search presses and fridge and tell us that there's nothin' to eat.
Drop and collect to activity if on during week. Then bed.


Then at weekends its lie in and generally taxi runs to town, friends, out etc. Sleepovers here and in the friends houses. Then they have taken to being on laptops or listening to music in their rooms.


Now my question is once upon a time we'd all be in the sitting room watching tv together whereas now they prefer to be in their rooms. Prefer to go to town, cinema and even library with friends. I know thats normal and understand they don't want to be with mammy. But I feel bad in that I don't seem to spens time with them esp at home.


I feel that I should be doing more with them?

It makes me feel that I'm not giving them quality time.

What do others do ?
Any suggestions ?

Hi noah, i think we are all in the same sistuation with our teens...Sure we are only the parents and are sooooo uncool to be seen with lol

My sons are the same as your girls, i use to worry about it but now i just expect it. They will come back and want to spend time with u as they get older. i hated been around my folks at that age now i spend as much time as i can with then, get on great with my parents...
I think just make sure they know u are there for them and the rest will follow

noah45

Thanks for replies, I do go for 'coffee' with them and to the cinema the very odd time.

Don't go out for dinner much as too expensive but get the odd take away.

I suppose its normal for teens to seek refuge in their rooms.

Pity they don't come with a manual.

Smashhits

Another suggestion would be a trip for the 3 of you to the beautician (facial/manicure) or the hairdresser. Girly day out. Recently done this with my daughter and she loved all the attention and gossip.

noah45

Brilliant idea and wouldn't have thought of it:) tnx

dan_d

Eldest of 4 girls here. (though not a parent)
Hate to break it to you, but unfortunately you're not "cool" right now (that age group!)
I've a 19 year old sister...only in the last couple of months has she elected to come for lunch the odd time with my other 2 sisters and myself. Previous to that - we just weren't cool, and like, omg, it would be too embarassing.:D
(She's actually a lovely girl, but she has her moments!!!). As the eldest, I heard myself being a teenager for X no. of years....and then I heard it all over again, with the 3 younger ones.It sounded the exact same each time around, you know!!
Fair play to you for wanting to spend time with them, but don't push yourself on them.As a teen myself, my room was my sanctuary, and the same for my sisters. It's private space - nothing against your parents.If they want to spend time with you, they'll come to you.Make yourself available, but don't push it. I vividly remember my teenage years, and into my college years, and honestly, my friends were far more important to me than anything else. I suppose it was the independence, the fact that your friends were going through the same stuff, and you could talk to them about things you felt you could never talk to your parents about.Teenagers kind of think that nobody else understands them, and that they're the first to realise everything....until they grow out of it and realise that everyone has gone through the same stuff.

The best you can do (in my humble opinion) is make sure they know they can come to you with any problems, that you're always there if they need you or just want a chat. Do bring them for dinner or something once a month maybe (but don't expect them to be grateful!!!). Other than that, maybe you should just give them the space to grow and be themselves. The 17 year old will start coming around again soon - she'll realise that parents do, in fact, know some things, and not just nothing at all, the way she's thought for the last few years!!!

I don't know if you've ever seen this, but I always think it's very, very true.

At age 4:Mom knows everything!
At 8:Mom knows a lot!
At 12:Mom doesn’t really know everything.
At 14:Mom doesn’t know anything.
At 16: Mom doesn’t exist.
At 18: She’s old fashioned.
At 25:Maybe Mom does know about this!
At 35:Before we decide, let’s ask Mom.
At 45: I ...wonder...what Mom thinks about this?
At 75:I ......wish I could ask my Mom about this.

(I fit into the 25-30 bracket!!!:D:D...I just think it's a short saying that all parents of teenage girls should bear in mind when they're wondering what to do!!!)

Skuxx

Thought i'd just give you the teenagers view on this! I'd say I was exactly the same as your two when I was that age (20 now) and so was my brother! Its what teenagers do. Friends become the most important thing, especially for girls I think. Since turning 20 I have felt I've really connected with my parents again, especially my dad, although 3/4 years ago I wouldn't care if I didn't see them for months at a time! When the girls start bringing home boyfriends they will be all over you for advice! I know my girlfriend and her mother have a great relationship since we started going out!
Its just a perfectly, normal teenager thing to do and certainly with my and my friends it was only a phase so best thing to do is just leave them! Be there to do things when they want/ suggest things to do together but don't force them as they won't enjoy it!!

Just my 2c!!

noah45

It is so good to hear it from a young persons point of view, thank you so much.

They do come to me about things now and then.
The 17 yr old came in to my side of bed after a bad dream last night!

Have to laugh at the diff ages view of mothers.

My 15yr old is at the stage where 'Mother knows nothing!'


I really appreciate everyones reply, I feel now that really they are just normal teens and I'm a mother not wanting to let go.