Facebook & non existent fathers.

metrovelvet

up for anything wrote: »

Why would it make it any better the first point of contact being a letter or telephone call or even turning up on the doorstep? Children have a right to know their parents, or at least I think so and the world is changing. To 13 year olds nowadays FB is not strange, awkward, frightening or in any way odd. Looking at my 13 year old if he was in the same position he would have no hesitation in making contact with his father that way, although he would probably be more at ease if he was part of his clan on Xbox.

Maybe because its more personal and less public than facebook. AFter a thirteen year absence now its thumbs ups and little messages on your wall?

Hey dad! where ya been?

Morag

Look the big questions and answers session which would be needed between a parent and child after they have been apart should be done in person. Yup it should but there are many smaller steps before then and frankly when a parent has been completely absent a relationship has to be given time to grow and then when a level of trust and respect established and commmunication is happening the harder conversations can happen.

the_syco

Are you sure it's the son your bro is talking to?

up for anything

metrovelvet wrote: »

Maybe because its more personal and less public than facebook. AFter a thirteen year absence now its thumbs ups and little messages on your wall?

Hey dad! where ya been?

That's a bit facetious. Who is to say their online relationship is like that? Maybe it's no thumbs up and little messages on a public wall but instead gradual getting to know you and filling in of the little blanks via PM or chat in much the same way that adopted children would have contacted their biological parent via snail mail and carried on a correspondence before actually meeting.

Fittle

Look, as adults, we are all aware of the potential and possible pitfalls of online 'relationships'. At the very least, the OPs brother should try to communicate with the mother of his son (or another responsible adult who knows the boy), rather than taking the word of a 13yr old hormonal boy, who has never met his dad except through facebook chat.

Yes, teenagers communicate online nowadays and as an 'oldie' I can see that it can work.

But the reality is that online communication is open to so many 'ifs' and 'buts' when one or other party misses a message/doesn't respond/says the wrong thing in a message and these issues can have quite a huge impact on impressionable kids. My own niece (for example) gets in her huffs with me on a regular basis if I don't reply to her on FB chat after 5 minutes:rolleyes: and I am someone she sees quite often.

I agree entirely that the OPs brother should communicate with his son, but at the very least, he should also be communicating with a responsible adult who can keep an eye on the boy to ensure he's doing ok with this stuff himself.

The Corinthian

up for anything wrote: »

That's a bit facetious. Who is to say their online relationship is like that? Maybe it's no thumbs up and little messages on a public wall but instead gradual getting to know you and filling in of the little blanks via PM or chat in much the same way that adopted children would have contacted their biological parent via snail mail and carried on a correspondence before actually meeting.

Indeed. Additionally, I don't think that anyone is suggesting that Facebook or any other form of digital communication is an end in itself, only that it can be used as an initial means to make contact before moving on to something more substantial.

Additionally, if one remembers the circumstances behind grindelwald's brother's situation, the child's mother actively and specifically chose to exclude him from the child's life and this may still be the case. If so, Facebook or other digital means of communication may be the only means by which he will be able to contact his child. In short, it is better than nothing if both want to create and maintain some form of relationship.

metrovelvet

the_syco wrote: »

Are you sure it's the son your bro is talking to?

Indeed. There are a lot of fake facebook accounts.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

Indeed. There are a lot of fake facebook accounts.

There are. But seeing as they've had a fair few conversations I'd say they've probably narrowed down the chances of that.

cynder

Doubt very much it is a fake account, he has 299 friends and at least 6 are friends with my brother. its mainly pms that are sent and there is nothing major in them small chit chat, a question here and there.

He has 1 brother and 4 sisters (by at least 3 different dads), seems like the mother has no one at the moment, my self and my mother are hoping she isnt trying to get back together with my brother using his son as a means ( i doubt that but you never know).

Things are moving slowly so no pressure on either side.

Fittle

Try to think of this from the 13yr old position OP.

He has 299 friends on FB (which in itself is wrong for a 13yr old - where the parental supervision there:rolleyes:) one of which is his father who he has never met.

Honestly OP, can you see nothing wrong in that whatsoever?

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

Try to think of this from the 13yr old position OP.

He has 299 friends on FB (which in itself is wrong for a 13yr old - where the parental supervision there:rolleyes:) one of which is his father who he has never met.

Honestly OP, can you see nothing wrong in that whatsoever?

? Mafia wars?

metrovelvet

up for anything wrote: »

That's a bit facetious. Who is to say their online relationship is like that? Maybe it's no thumbs up and little messages on a public wall but instead gradual getting to know you and filling in of the little blanks via PM or chat in much the same way that adopted children would have contacted their biological parent via snail mail and carried on a correspondence before actually meeting.

Are on line relationship considered real these days?

Serious question. Dont things only 'officially' start until you have actually met the person?

This is the kind of stuff Bernardos usually handles.

cynder

Fittle wrote: »

Try to think of this from the 13yr old position OP.

He has 299 friends on FB (which in itself is wrong for a 13yr old - where the parental supervision there:rolleyes:) one of which is his father who he has never met.

Honestly OP, can you see nothing wrong in that whatsoever?

Put it this way i have an 11 year old with 163 friends (just checked how many) 60 of those are my friends too the other 103 people from school and friends she met along the way. There are 90 kids in her year and 90 in the year above and 90 in the year below, i would assume my nephew would have loads of friends in older and younger classes and from previous schools.

Fittle

grindelwald wrote: »

Put it this way i have an 11 year old with 163 friends (just checked how many) 60 of those are my friends too the other 103 people from school and friends she met along the way. There are 90 kids in her year and 90 in the year above and 90 in the year below, i would assume my nephew would have loads of friends in older and younger classes and from previous schools.

Well, maybe I'm an 'oldie' here, but I have some young nephews and nieces on fb who are only allowed to be 'friends' with family and actual friends. But back to my original question - his father is a fb friend who he has never met and you see nothing wrong in that whatsoever?

I doubt any professional/organisation who deals with children who have never met a parent would recommend that the initial contact is done via FB without the knowledge/consent of the other parent (or responsible adult).

metrovelvet

grindelwald wrote: »

Doubt very much it is a fake account, he has 299 friends and at least 6 are friends with my brother. its mainly pms that are sent and there is nothing major in them small chit chat, a question here and there.

He has 1 brother and 4 sisters (by at least 3 different dads), seems like the mother has no one at the moment, my self and my mother are hoping she isnt trying to get back together with my brother using his son as a means ( i doubt that but you never know).

Things are moving slowly so no pressure on either side.

Sorry. Im getting a little bit lost is this thread.

OK. So your brother had a child when he was 16, the child is now 13. Your brother is now 29 and living in the UK.

Mom is 29 living in Ireland. At the time she was 16 presumably not emancipated from her parents at the time. So her parents were probably in charge of access and custody issues.

Then when they both turned 18 your brother decided that he would remain staying away and has since until his son reached out to him?

So your brother gets a friends request from this son and now they are pming?And you and your brother suspect that after thirteen years, five children later, three partners later, and a friends request his mother is using the boy via a facebook pming relationship to induce a reunion?

K-9

Fittle wrote: »

Well, maybe I'm an 'oldie' here, but I have some young nephews and nieces on fb who are only allowed to be 'friends' with family and actual friends. But back to my original question - his father is a fb friend who he has never met and you see nothing wrong in that whatsoever?

I doubt any professional/organisation who deals with children who have never met a parent would recommend that the initial contact is done via FB without the knowledge/consent of the other parent (or responsible adult).

Well the whole thing is "wrong" but this is like sending a letter now.

Fittle

K-9 wrote: »

Well the whole thing is "wrong" but this is like sending a letter now.

This is NOTHING like sending a letter to your 13yr old son.

Nowadays it's all about instant access - in this situation, can you imagine how the child is feeling? What if his dad doesn't write back to him one night and he presumes he's being rejected once again? The boy is 13, he's a child and his dad isn't being responsibile at all here - he's not thinking of the child at all. There could be many scenarios attached to initial contact via FB with no adult supervision, when the contact is with your father who you have never met.

Keeping in contact with an absent parent via FB could work of course..but to try to begin the relationship on it

metrovelvet

He'll be telling his friends and neighbors 'I met my dad on facebook."

Morag

Fittle and Metro we get it you don't agree wiht it, think it's a bad idea, fair enough.

Just because one child has unreasonable expectations around online response time, that does not mean all do. Different people have different rules for their kids and their online activities, yup they should be monitored and yes like anything else in a child's life they should have the fall back and support of a parent.

My 13 year old is certainly savy enough to be aware of the pitfalls of online communication, to kids who have grow up with the internet it's normal.

Yes it is weird to face the fact that you are no longer your child's world and they will have interactions and communications and discussions that you are just not apart of, but that's normal. We just have to rear them to the best of our abilities, set guidelines and be there for them.

Yes there are cases were parent's aren't bothered enough to supervise their kids online,
or at all for that matter but there is a huge difference between a teenager who has questions about themselves and who they are ( as they all do at that age) getting in touch with the other side of the family and making contact with random strangers.

Hopefully the teen this thread was started about will find having contact with family to be a positive thing.

old hippy

metrovelvet wrote: »

He'll be telling his friends and neighbors 'I met my dad on facebook."

Possibly but this is a widely accepted social tool, whether we approve or not?

I mean, from a personal level, I know of people who got together via online dating - not for me but that's my own prejudice - who can say what the norm is these days?

I hope it works out.

jim69

3 or 4 different fathers ? thats a keeper alright,mother of kid could be trying to suck him back into relationship

old hippy

jim69 wrote: »

3 or 4 different fathers ? thats a keeper alright,mother of kid could be trying to suck him back into relationship

Why? Because she's had more than one relationship which resulted in kids? C'mon man, think deeper that that.

jim69

kids wouldent know if their coming or going,not an ideal family set up

old hippy

jim69 wrote: »

kids wouldent know if their coming or going,not an ideal family set up

That's down to the kids, who they chose to socialise with and hopefully don't encounter any awkwardness.

Enlighten me, what is an ideal family set up?

K-9

Fittle wrote: »

This is NOTHING like sending a letter to your 13yr old son.

Nowadays it's all about instant access - in this situation, can you imagine how the child is feeling? What if his dad doesn't write back to him one night and he presumes he's being rejected once again? The boy is 13, he's a child and his dad isn't being responsibile at all here - he's not thinking of the child at all. There could be many scenarios attached to initial contact via FB with no adult supervision, when the contact is with your father who you have never met.

Keeping in contact with an absent parent via FB could work of course..but to try to begin the relationship on it

Well if you are going to be like that about it, I think it is fair to say there doesn't seem to be any adult supervision here at all. He asked for the address and sent cards over, as has the grandmother. Time for the mother to get of her arse and do something.

Tbh, I'd take your ire out on the mother, if you want to down that road.

metrovelvet

When my son was just over three, he drew a picture of a caterpillar. I said to him 'Wow. What a beautiful caterpillar." He said back to me, "That's not a caterpillar mommy, thats a picture of a caterpillar." At three, he understood the difference between reality and its representations.

And yet thousands and thousand of adults and teenagers on facebook cannot tell the difference.

For me the problem is not so much the supervision, but the process by which the reconcilaition, if you can even call it that, is being made.

jim69

fair enough divorce ect is common these days,people remarry and may have a child with second partner but maybe its just me but 3 or 4 different fathers sounds a bit much

old hippy

metrovelvet wrote: »

When my son was just over three, he drew a picture of a caterpillar. I said to him 'Wow. What a beautiful caterpillar." He said back to me, "That's not a caterpillar mommy, thats a picture of a caterpillar." At three, he understood the difference between reality and its representations.

And yet thousands and thousand of adults and teenagers on facebook cannot tell the difference.

True, true. But conversely, thousands and thousands can.

metrovelvet

jim69 wrote: »

kids wouldent know if their coming or going,not an ideal family set up

I can see what you are saying. THe child probably already believes in the transience of fatherhood.

metrovelvet

jim69 wrote: »

fair enough divorce ect is common these days,people remarry and may have a child with second partner but maybe its just me but 3 or 4 different fathers sounds a bit much

Madonna did it. Thats the way the world is going Im afraid. We are DEVOLVING back to caveman days.