interfering mother in law

LegacyUser

hi guys,
im at my wits end on how to deal with my mother in law and need advice

she constantly interferes in mine and my wifes business, objects and gets angry when her opinion isnt accepted, scorns me constantly because im out of work and talks down to my wife as if she is a child
to make matters worse my wife is 5 months pregnant and she has more or less decided the childs name for us and that we are getting the child christened (we have decided that were arent doing this). she is telling my wife what she can and cant eat and has chosen the cot and buggy already without our opinion
she is a ticking timb bomb and when she is around me and my wife we walk on egg shells afrid that she will explode at any moment

please help as it has started to cause arguments between us and we dont want this.

Aishae

sounds like she needs a serious amount of being 'put in her place' - name your baby whatever you and you wife chose. the MIL cant sign the birth cert. when she buys stuff tell her that while you appreciate it you would rather chose and buy your own.
it sounds like some confrontation is the only way to go. and as her daugher, your wife is gonna have to take a harder line with her. unfortunatly there are many irish mammies who dont know when to back off

jimmycrackcorm

What's preventing you from avoiding her as much as possible?

Distorted

Just stand up to her and tell her that her behaviour is appalling and disgraceful. She can't make you do what she wants after all!

Pebbles68

You walk on egg shells in your own home? Seriously? You honestly let someone come into your home and bully you? Unfortunately she is not going to change unless you do something about it, and it comes down to two choices. 1- ignore her and do what you decide is best for you or 2- Challenge her about her behaviour. Or else prepare for a lifetime of being bullied.

mood

Don't tell her stuff like you are going shopping on saturday for whatever or think about painting the kitchen. Just do your own thing without involving her. As for her opinion about the baby's name simply say 'No I don't like that name. Will will tell you what name we choose when we decide'.

Is there any way you could see her a little less or avoid telling her about any decision you have to make?

You wife need to talk to her and tell her to back off.

ManOfMystery

You and your wife are adults, not children. It's time to act like adults - assert yourself and stand up to her. Tell her you will not be dictated to.

If she has a strop, let her. If she has a rant, let her. What's the worst that can happen, a bit of earache? But do not give in and do not let her have her way in the end.

Elle Collins

Aishae wrote: »

unfortunatly there are many irish mammies who dont know when to back off

The type of behaviour the OP describes is a very long way from the norm with Irish mothers in fairness.

OP, I'm a very straight-talking woman and in your shoes I'd be inclined to tell her to cop-on or fcuk-off. Yes you'd insult her, but isn't she insulting you and your wife daily?

You and your wife need to present a united front but your wife needs to wake up to what she's accepting here. If you mil is still treating your wife like a child it's because your wife hasn't made it clear to her that she's grown up yet, and I say this as both a mother and daughter myself.

tinkerbell

Ok first of all, you and your wife need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this. Are you both on the same wavelength, does your wife agree with you and are you a united front? What about the issues with the baby, does your wife agree with you or her mother?

Your wife and you need to stand up to her. Your wife especially.

Why do you let her tell you and your wife what you can and cannot eat? Tell her to go shove it. It's none of her business and she has no right to dictate how you live your life. Also, tell her that it is not her duty to name YOUR child, it is you and your wife's. Regarding the buggy purchases, etc. tell her that you appreciate the nice gesture, however you have decided what buggy you want to buy and will be buying that. If she would like to contribute to it financially then ok, but if she goes off and buys a different buggy regardless, tell her you will not be accepting it.

Time to put your foot down OP. I would not tread on eggshells with that woman. You think it's bad now? You're in for one giant shock when the baby comes along. If she's interfering now, she's going to be a million times worse when the baby is here. So you need to put a stop to this behaviour now.

LeoB

Like nearly all Irish mothers she is acting out of good will.

However there are 2 ways to approach this head on like a bull or sit her down and tell her how ye both feel. I would prefer the latter.

This is a major step for you and your wife and you need to control it. I would take tinkerbells advice and ensure you and your wife are on the same wavelength. Dont you and your wife fall out over it or argue.

Finally does your mother in Law realise the effect she is having on you? She should by tomorrow night

aknitter

You both need to tackle it NOW, imagine what she'll be like when the baby comes? Trust me it will be 10 times worse.
If you are not up for a full on confrontation just constantly disagree with her - No I don't like that buggy/pram/name whatever, We already have one bought the shop are delivering it.... She should soon get the message if not then it will be time enough for a confrontation. But try to sort it before your wife is farther along.

Zen65

mil from hell wrote: »

to make matters worse my wife is 5 months pregnant and she has more or less decided the childs name for us and that we are getting the child christened (we have decided that were arent doing this).

Hi Op,

Unfortunately what you are describing is a mother who is acting out of love and concern for her daughter, fused with a concern for how her daughter's life affects her own status. I say "unfortunately" because if it were as simple as you describe (i.e. that she is just an interfering woman) then the remedy could be as simple as some of the one-liners posted here.

Perhaps your wife is the first daughter to leave home? If that is so then your MIL may also be having difficulty coming to terms with this.

The solution to your problem will not be found in conflict, nor in telling her off. It is primarily up to your wife to take a stance, but it must be done in such a way as not to offend nor reject her. Remember, if you think of your wife as a wonderful woman, a wonderful partner & mother, then a sizeable percentage of credit for that is probably down to the upbringing she experienced at the hands of this MIL. Whatever you may feel about her interfering ways right now, she has done enough to earn your respect.

If both you and your wife are agreed that you want to reduce your MIL's daily influence on your lives, then it is your wife in the first instance who does this, by taking a stand on an issue, but doing it in a loving way.

Let's take the example of your child's name:

"Mum, I like that name you suggested but I've decided that I'd prefer to call her 'Daisy'".

So the MIL's suggestion is validated, valued & appreciated, but the daughter chooses to pick her own name. There's no further debate needed. If MIL responds with "That's a dreadful name, she'll be bullied in school or [insert reason for dislike]" your wife need only respond with a reinforcement of her choice, and not an engagement in an argument "My daughter Daisy won't be bullied at school because I'll raise her to be assertive, just like my mum raised me to be".

OK, that may be a cheesy dialogue, but I hope it explains the idea. Your wife has to be assertive of her wishes while recognising the importance that MIL has played in getting her to where she is now.

Incidentally, you cannot be assertive instead of your wife. Your role to your MIL can only be to demonstrate how you support your wife in any decision she takes. In the example naming your child, if MIL approaches you to express her dislike of the name 'Daisy' then your response can only be along the lines "My wife has chosen 'Daisy' and I think it's a lovely name".

I think with a lot of effort and understanding on the part of your wife & you, your MIL will come to accept her daughter's independence. She will probably always be somewhat over-bearing, but managed correctly this will be something you can live with. Moreover, I cannot emphasize enough the benefit of having an interested grandparent on the scene when raising your children. Your role is to support your wife, not to argue with MIL which in fact only makes life harder for you both.


Be at peace,

Z

poozers

Confront her and let her explode and just fight it out (or talk it out, if that were possible)!!! this cannot go on!! this is YOUR life not hers!!! you and your wife need to stand up to her, take control of your own lives and let your MIL know that her interefering all the time is causing such problems for your family!!!

xzanti

Wow nightmare

The phrase "give someone and inch and they will take a mile" springs to mind though.. The more you allow her to wade in and take over, the more she will do it.. You need to speak up now..

Lisa2011

I just came across this and I am curious to know how everything is now.My brother has an interfering mother in law from hell who criticized his ability as a father just 10 days after his son was born and just because he stood up to her it caused major problems with his wife and her family. The problem here is that it seems the men who marry into the family are usually controlled by the women and all because he stood and would not be controlled all he gets is threats and abuse.

The part about your mother in law decide what your wife should eat I dont see anything wrong with that its just a mother concerned for her daughter but it can be over bearing. The other issue about the cot and buggy thats normal.

At least your wife was on your side.

Beruthiel

mil from hell wrote: »

she is a ticking timb bomb and when she is around me and my wife we walk on egg shells

There's your problem right there OP.
Why are you both walking on egg shells?
Why hasn't your wife lost the plot with her mother and told her to back to fuk off?
It's way past the time where your wife politely points out to her mother that she can continue to be in your lives if she keeps her opinions to herself from now on. In fact, unless one of you ask for her opinion, she is to keep all future ones to herself.

Yes, her mother will go off in a sulk for a while. But fear not, her grandchild is on the way, she'll be back with her tail between her legs once she has thought it through.

Best of luck.

Daisy M

The original post is a year old, lisa2011 is the one now looking for advice.

Ickle Magoo

OK - as this thread has been bumped, I'm locking it.

Each thread on PI/RI is pertinent to the poster that starts it - anyone requiring advice on their own situation should start their own thread.

Cheers.