She doesn't want her cousin at her party.

LegacyUser

This may not seem like a huge problem, but it is seriously stressing me out.

My daughter will be 10 this year. Herself and my 9yr old niece were friends for years (my brothers child) but over the past while, they have really drifted apart. This has happened very naturally and there doesn't appear to be any arguing on either side.

However, my daughters birthday is coming up and she does not want my niece there. They really don't get on anymore - they have little in common and at 10, she feels she really should be able to pick the kids she wants at her party. Her party, by the way, is going to be a girlie sleepover for her and 5 of her friends where they will get dvds/pizza and play music etc.

So my daughter is really, really looking forward to her party in May - but the fact that she doesn't want her cousin there is causing alot of arguments between us. My brother, but particularly my sister in law, will NOT be impressed, no more than I would be impressed if I heard that their child didn't want my daughter at her party, so obviously, I cannot tell them the truth.

I have two opinions on this one - on the one hand, her cousin is family and my daughter will just have to suck it up and invite her.
On the other, my daughter is at an age when she would like to be able to pick what she does for her birthday herself (for the first time) as it's all part of growing up.

She has said that if she invites her cousin it will spoil everything as she won't know the other girls there, and she isn't into anything that they are into. She is a good kid normally but I kind of understand her mentality because I have some friends who I never mix together, even as an adult as the 'mix' just wouldn't work from a social aspect. My husband thinks we should just let her have the party she wants...I don't want any trouble with my family though...

What will I do?

Crea

I'm with your daughter and husband on this one. She should have the people she wants at the birthday and not HAVE to invite anyone. As your Daughter says your niece won't know anyone at the sleep over and will be left out.
Parents really shouldn't take offense on behalf of their children. My son wasn't invited to my nephews party one year and I was a bit miffed but I was able to see that son wasn't his proper friend and he actually wasn't at all put out. Now they never go to each others parties but we do call over with a present on another day - it is alot easier on both parents actually as we don't have to deal with a child who doesn't know anyone.
Just tell whoever asks that your son is having friends from school on a sleepover and leave it at that. If you're afraid of offending then arrange a trip to the cinema with your Daughter and the niece but that will only be for the other childs mothers benifit and not your Daughters. Why not just ignore the sister in law?
BTW - if you don't invite the niece then signs on your Daughter won't be invited to her party so you can't make a big deal about that either - your Daughter prob won't even care though.

dark crystal

Does your daughter's cousin live near? Does she know about the sleepover?

If not, I would just tell a little white lie and say, you are bringing her off shopping/out to lunch for the day - don't mention the sleepover party at all.

This way, no one gets hurt and your daughter can just get on with enjoying her birthday.

Orion

Crea - can you edit your post and remove the acronyms please. I'd do it for you as I did for your last post but I don't even know what some of them mean.

From the Charter
Posting in "TxtSpk"
Please don't do this, enough said.
This includes forum abbreviations such as DD, DS, OH etc. They make reading the forums difficult for those new to the learning curve which is trying to conceive, being pregnant and having a new born as well as those who's first language is not English and those who have dyslexia.

ellee

Whatever your decision I have to say I wouldn't tell any white lies about it, especially to family as it's bound to pop out and then it's an even bigger deal.

I'd give your brother a call and just say it to him, they seem to have grown apart, that the party planned is a very small sleepover with some of your daughter's closest friends and you're worried your niece won't enjoy it and does he think it would be upsetting for her if she wasn't invited?

That approach would give you more info too such as whether your niece would care and if it seems she would be upset you have more reason to talk further to your daughter about it.

Maybe that would work?

smelltheglove

I would just tell your brother shes not having a proper birthday party, just her best pals from school sleeping over, Im sure there wont be any hassle about it, my nephew is the same age as my little one and I got a call to say he was having similar for his last party. They still had cake and any family who wanted to come over for that the next day was welcome to. I know with them both being girls in your family it may be slightly different but in all honesty I cant see any harm in it.

maameeo

i agree with smelltheglove, if it was a big party she wasnt invited to i think thered be problems, but a small sleepover? no, you cant expect to invite extended family to a small sleepover.
im sure theyd understand her just having her besties over for a small sleepover.
and im sure your bro and sister in law have noticed that the girls arnt exactly best buds and theyd understand.

Would you care if their daughter had a little sleepover and didnt invite your daughter?

LegacyUser

They are in the same class, so I can't keep it a secret, although I would love to!

My sister in law has already invited herself over if we are having a houseparty...to 'help out' (not that I asked her).

It is hard to explain, but this has been the way it is since they were born because they are so close in age, and it has always worked well in the past.

It's like the kids have definitely grown apart, but my niece doesn't feel it as much as my daughter. My daughter often asks me if X still thinks they are best friends and does she not realise that they aren't anymore.

My daughter seems to have matured alot more than my niece for reasons I won't go into here (because they are about my sis in law!)...I couldn't tell my brother about this as he would go mental. I really want to avoid this being turned into a family argument if at all possible.

dan_d

Not a parent but I remember as a kid being invited to parties of cousins around my age, and hating it, because I never knew any of their friends and it just didn't sit well with me at all. Especially those cousins who were a couple of years younger and I wouldn't spend much time with. But I "had" to go because they were my cousins and had invited me.....

Either you could invite her and she might find she doesn't enjoy it because she doesn't know the others, and so won't want to come again?

Otherwise I'm not sure what the solution is here Op....is there any way at all that you could get around asking your niece??I think you may have to have a chat with her parents and say she's just inviting the 5 for whatever reason you can think of.

maameeo

oh lord, that seems an awful lot more complicated

could you have a very small teaparty and invite them. then tell the sister in law you told your daughter she could pick 3 girls to sleepover and she picked those girls and shrug it off as a 'kids!' thing?
i know its sorta blaming it on your child but its probably easiest.

smelltheglove

maameeo wrote: »

oh lord, that seems an awful lot more complicated

Agree, same class is a whole different ball game. I think this may be a case of sitting down with your brother and explaining it to him!

tinkerbell

Your daughter is 10 - she's old enough to decide who she wants at her party and who she doesn't want. It's only a small party of 5 people, so inviting someone to a party of 5 that she doesn't want will make a big difference. It wouldn't be as noticeable if it was a bigger birthday party.

Your daughter said her birthday party will be ruined if her cousin goes, and I think you should respect her wishes. She's not friends with her cousin anymore, and it's not fair on her to just invite the cousin along just because you think her parents will get insulted. Just don't invite them - I don't think you even need to mention it. And if they find out, well then if they want to ask you why, you can tell them that it was a small sleepover for her best friends. But only offer that information if they ask, otherwise I'd just leave it.

BostonB

If they are not pals then I think it would be unfair to both girls to invite her.

But its a bit awkward because it doesn't seem like the cousin realizes shes no longer a pal of your daughter. Likewise the brother and sister in law.

We divided them, by having a party with the friends, one day, then just a low key family tea/cake another day.

Sugarfree

Invite the Girl. Blood is thicker then water and if she is in the class this confirms it. It sounds to me like your daughter is a bit of a meany pants. I could never do anything like that even at 10 years old because I would of been well aware of the fuss it would cause. I see you mention she is very mature, well hardly if she wants to start a family fight.

Orion

We'll have no more name-calling of posters or their children please.

Sugarfree

Macros42 wrote: »

We'll have no more name-calling of posters or their children please.

Come now, i'm just pointing out how the child comes across according to the OP.

deisemum

I think it should be up to your daughter to invite who she wants to her party and I can see how a cousin who's not wanted at it would ruin it.

Moonbeam

Sugarfree wrote: »

Come now, i'm just pointing out how the child comes across according to the OP.

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Chuchoter

She might as well not have a birthday if she has to invite people she doesn't get on with. Its not like she is inviting the entire class other than her cousin

Mothman

What better gift can you give for her birthday than to fulfill a wish of hers.

Don't let it be a birthday remembered for the wrong reasons.

I think your relationship with your daughter is far more important than your relationship with your sister in law.

We do something similar to Boston wit hregard to friends and family

Penny Dreadful

Sugarfree wrote: »

Invite the Girl. Blood is thicker then water and if she is in the class this confirms it. It sounds to me like your daughter is a bit of a meany pants. I could never do anything like that even at 10 years old because I would of been well aware of the fuss it would cause. I see you mention she is very mature, well hardly if she wants to start a family fight.

Oh come on, the child is not thinking of starting a family fight by not wanting to invite her cousin. She is being a 10 year old.
I remember how much I hated my mother trying to make me be friends with someone I had grown away from simply because they were the child of her friend or a cousin of mine. Sometimes you just don't get on with someone no matter how much DNA you share.

carwash_2006

I really hate that phrase, blood is thicker than water. Yes you should always stick by family in times of trouble, but that doesn't mean you have to hang out and be best of friends if you aren't into the same things. The daughter is perfectly entitled to be friends with whoever she wants to.

There have been lots of good suggestions there, I would think it might be a good idea to have a small family party at some time other than when the sleepover is, I would explain to brother and sis in law that the cousin doesn't seem to be in with this set and it would be very awkward at an intimate sleepover to have a child that is likely to feel left out, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it either.

Daisy M

This is a really difficult situation to be in and it needs to be handled carefully for your neices sake more so than anyone elses. You say she still appears to count your daughter as her best friend but your daughter doesnt share that opinion, imagine how she will feel not been invited to her best friends party, I would imagine that would be quiet hurtful for anyone let alone a 10yr old girl. Would your daughter not feel any empathy for her cousin? Tbh she is coming across as selfish, I am kindof shocked that she cant consider her cousins feelings, it would be different if the cousin was not in the same class and would not know anything about the party, but she will know, your daughter knows this and doesnt care not nice at all. Life is about compromises and the sooner she learns this the better for her. Sorry to sound harsh but I have a girl similar age and when it comes to parties there is one girl she doesnt like much, she finds her babyish but she automatically invites her as she knows it would be mean to leave her out. Try and find a compromise as the kids will have forgotten all about the party in a few months but it could still be there festering between you and your brothers family.

Wantobe

I have two daughters and my eldest tried something similar last year about a neighbours child ( literally next door) she didn't want to invite. I cut her off immediately as I told her it was not an option. I told her that it would hurt the other child's feelings and that she was coming, end of story. In my opinion it would be even more important to invite your niece. If I were you, I'd put my foot down, brook no objections, invite her and make sure your daughter knows that she has to behave well towards her at the party.

Kurley

I'd go along with daughter's wishes, it's her party after all. Parents shouldn't fall out with each other if their children don't get on. If your brother gets annoyed that really is his problem and not yours. Inviting your niece may lead to some bullying, what's to stop your daughter and her friends ganging up on your niece? (your daughter may be a lovely child and never pick on another, it's just there is a chance of it happening)

BostonB

Wantobe wrote: »

I have two daughters and my eldest tried something similar last year about a neighbours child ( literally next door) she didn't want to invite. I cut her off immediately as I told her it was not an option. I told her that it would hurt the other child's feelings and that she was coming, end of story. In my opinion it would be even more important to invite your niece. If I were you, I'd put my foot down, brook no objections, invite her and make sure your daughter knows that she has to behave well towards her at the party.

I can't see forcing the cousin to be friends with her friends is going to work.

the_syco

tinkerbell wrote: »

Your daughter is 10 - she's old enough to decide who she wants at her party and who she doesn't want. It's only a small party of 5 people, so inviting someone to a party of 5 that she doesn't want will make a big difference. It wouldn't be as noticeable if it was a bigger birthday party.

100% agreed.

BostonB wrote: »

I can't see forcing the cousin to be friends with her friends is going to work.

Aye. I can actually see it going horribly wrongly.

=-=

I'd check with the daughter why she's not mates with the niece. Something may have happened that makes her no longer a mate, and your SiL using any emotional blackmail really does make the SiL sound like someone to avoid.

Wantobe

You can't force someone to be friends, but you can make sure your daughter behaves with respect and kindness to her classmates/neighbours/relatives and does not deliberately exclude another child in a way that will hurt their feelings and hurt the feelings of your own brother and his wife etc. It's a no-brainer for me.

Daisy M

Wantobe wrote: »

You can't force someone to be friends, but you can make sure your daughter behaves with respect and kindness to her classmates/neighbours/relatives and does not deliberately exclude another child in a way that will hurt their feelings and hurt the feelings of your own brother and his wife etc. It's a no-brainer for me.

I would agree 100%. If everybody treated each other in such a manner life would be a lot easier, I think the attitude of" its her party and she should please herself" is a sad indication of the way peoples attitudes are becoming more and more selfish.

BostonB

I think you are trying to create a imaginary friendship for the cousin that doesn't exist. That can't be right.

LegacyUser

is mise astra wrote: »

I would agree 100%. If everybody treated each other in such a manner life would be a lot easier, I think the attitude of" its her party and she should please herself" is a sad indication of the way peoples attitudes are becoming more and more selfish.

Firstly, she is not a selfish child at all. Nowhere did I say she excludes her cousin from things - nor do I - in fact, we have included her in many family days over the past year, despite the fact that her and my daughter don't get along anymore.

I don't think it's a sad indication of attitudes becoming more and more selfish - I think it's a young girl growing up and figuring out that she can make her own choices about certain things - one them being the kids she'd like at her birthday.

I have decided to do a teaparty in the house for her birthday - we won't mention the sleepover at all.